Aging narcissistic mentally ill mother is broke

[GG3]

What do you do with a parent who doesn't have dementia but is undiagnosed mentally ill and going broke?

 

All my life my mother got handouts from people. I did grow up poor, but her salary was higher than a minimum wage worker in small town where costs are VERY low. She got child support and my grandfather gave her money every month. My dinner was always mac n' cheese or a grilled cheese sandwich every night while my mom always had a new camaro every 3 years. She has always played the "I'm poor and it isn't fair so it's okay to take your money" game. Her sister has given her money over the years as well and continues to do so. She has a lot of depression issues and cries a LOT. A lot of times it seems to be out of wanting attention but I'm sure on another level she really is depressed. She will sit at home on a saturday night crying and saying no one loves her, but when I lived with her, she never spent time with me and was always out at a bar or running around. My entire childhood was spent sitting at home alone.

 

There are tons of details to this and I could write forever but would rather cut to the chase. I've never figured out where the money goes other than buying cars she can't afford and gas to drive it around so people envy her...and lotto tickets.

 

A year ago she retired so that she could draw out 70k to pay credit cards. A year prior to this she kept saying that she was broke and didn't have money for food. I'm guessing the entire total on the credit card debt could be 100k. When I moved out 16 years ago, she filed bankruptcy on about 100k of credit card debt. So here are again.

 

Drawing the 70k out of her retirement has dropped her monthly retirement income to a number that is not enough to pay all her bills. Her house payment is 500 a month. Of course she had to have a new car again that she bought just last year. She still has credit card bills, how many I do not know.

 

She calls me, her sister and her brother crying all the time saying she doesn't want to go back to work. "I've worked for 30-some years...it isn't fair." At the moment, her back is really to the wall. Any little disaster that happens, she has no money to pay for it. She barely has money for food and says her last credit card is filled. I don't know how many lotto tickets she buys, but is a lot because she feels that is her ticket out. She buys so many scratchoffs that she regularly wins 1000 bucks.

 

We've all told her she has no choice. She has to go back to work. She is almost yelling and ranting "no I"m not going to sell my house." "No I'm not giving up that car!" She is like a child yelling and insisting she will keep everything and not work.

 

What do we do in this situation? I can't give her a monthly allowance for the rest of her life, nor can her brother or sister. When she finally hits bottom, as in the house goes into a foreclosure or the car is repossessed, what do we do? Has anyone ever dealt with this kind of thing before?

[GG3]

It's all true. Not even the half of it. She was extremely abusive to me when I lived with her so her moving in with me is not an option. Plus I am already still single at 34. That would make me a spinster forever I'm sure.

[HokeyReligions]

Sadly I've seen some younger women and men here and IR

L who I can see being exactly like this when they get older. The whole "its not fair" entitlement attitude. Being parent or reaching a certain age does not guaranty maturity or better decision making skills.

 

The only thing I would do is get with the rest of the family and work outa 'plan of action' for your mother. That might include contact information for senior aide, help with resumes, employment resources and how to do a budget. Maybe estate planning and a financial advisor. Stick together and do not offer financial support.

 

She's never going to change and its going to be painfull and hard on her. She will cry and complsin. Maybe part of the info can be counseling for her.

 

We are dealing with something similar with my husbands 82 y/o widowed mother who was also abusive and always had others take care of her and give her everything. Add to it that her moneygrubbing step daughter in law insists that she is entitled to all of MILs assets because her children lived.....

 

Its tough to deal with and you have the added burden of abuse and grief over never having had a healthy relationship to deal with. I do wish you well. If you have an EAP at your job give them a call. They should be able to help you find some resources in your area that can help your mom. I just did that with my EAP and they were very helpful.

[LuckyLady13]

GG3, I so relate to what you're saying here. Wow! I think we have the same mother. I know you're looking for advice as to how to deal with this situation and I'm sorry to say I personally never found a good solution. My mother was also abusive to an extreme and had the exact sense of entitlement issue, constantly going into debt from overspending on useless stuff, had to drive a new vehicle so she didn't cry and take tantrums.

 

Because of the abuse, I cut ties. Permanently! I have no idea who she's crying to these days but I'm just glad it isn't me anymore.

 

Yep, your mom is very immature and spoiled like a little brat. You can't do much about the fact that other people keep supporting her too much, giving into her crying routines and enabling her behavior.

 

I think if I can offer any advice at all, it's that you at least have to distance yourself from the emotional aspect of this and be as objective about it as you possibly can. It sounds like the enabling will continue from other people so your mother isn't going to grow up. How you deal with the situation will make all the difference in the world! You can't control her but you can control you and make all of your own decisions as to how you're going to deal with this yourself in your own heart and mind. You are in complete control of you.

[Onward_Upward]

 

Yep, your mom is very immature and spoiled like a little brat. .

 

Got it in one

 

From what the OP has written, the sad irony is that even if this woman won a million dollars in the Lotto, she'd likely blow the lot inside 2 years... and then be back where she started.

 

What a burden she must be on the people around her... I feel sorry for them. Well... I feel sympathy for the ones around her who do NOT enable and support her behavior, but who have no choice but to be near her...

 

As you already know, she will not change; not at this late stage in life, anyway... And certainly not as long as the suckers around her keep giving into her demands.

 

As others have suggested I would certainly not be giving her any money. And by that, I mean NOT ONE RED CENT. No matter how much she feigns sadness, cries poor, or sobs and yells like a spoilt brat...

 

If she truly becomes desperate, then she will have to stand on her own two feet for once, and actually sell some of her assets (Of which I'm sure she has many; including hidden monies which she tells no one else about).

 

For her sake, and YOUR sanity, you must stick with this... Because she is heading for a lonely hell on earth unless something changes. You need to be firm with her... and if she cuts you off (unlikely), then that will be her problem. Help her to live in the real world now...

 

Stop enabling her negative, leech-like behavior; because you know that - in the end - it will very likely be you that is called upon to look after her, when her world finally crashes completely.

Edited August 31, 2013 by Onward_Upward

[GG3]

Yes if my mother won the lottery I have no doubt she would blow it. And she still wouldn't be a happy person.

 

Her sister has been the biggest enabler her whole life and is in such denial as to who she really is. I tell her again and again all the things she has done over the years and every time you tell her, it's like she is hearing it for the first time. She just doesn't want to believe it and tends to believe the things my mother tells her and sees her as a victim. My aunt's husband can see clearly what is going on and tries to coach her to stop enabling her but it doesn't work. She was always told growing up "don't upset your sister" so she continues to baby her. Her sister called me crying last weekend because my mom called her crying because she is broke. Her sister said, "Why didn't you get a job sooner when you knew you were running out of money? Why did you wait and just assume you can get the money from me? I want to retire too someday, why are you doing this to me?"

 

I have no doubt that my mother would let my sister work forever and give her money if she were willing to do so. (Her sister is 3 years older and still not retired.)

 

The situation now keeps me up at night because her sister over the years has always blamed ME for my mother's unhappiness and problems because I'm not fixing things like she wants me to. If I were a "good daughter" I would be fixing everything and give my mom money. She has gotten healthier over the years and realizes that it's my MOM who is the problem and not me but she still seems to revert to blaming me sometimes. I know deep down my aunt is a little disappointed that I'm not stepping up and giving her an allowance but I just can't afford to do it! She's 64 and what if she lives to be 90? I just don't have the extra cash and am trying to make a savings and pay bills of my own.

[Radu]

From your description of your aunt, she was programmed to be quite the enabler, but i see she can easily be the abuser ... if she wants to.

 

Why are you still talking to these ppl ?

[GG3]

From your description of your aunt, she was programmed to be quite the enabler, but i see she can easily be the abuser ... if she wants to.

 

Why are you still talking to these ppl ?

 

Because they are family members.

[CC12]

Because they are family members.

 

This kind of thinking is likely the reason your aunt and other family members always end up financially supporting your mother.

 

"It's family" is not really a good enough reason, but I understand where you're coming from. If you're not ready to cut them out of your life, I think you do need to distance yourself and detach emotionally from both your mother and your aunt and anyone else who tries to turn their own problems into your problems.

 

The most I would do for your mom is to try to convince her to get therapy, and to help her set a budget and help her file for any assistance programs she's eligible for. The YWCA has Financial Literacy programs that could help with all of that, I'm sure there are a few other organizations that could help.

 

Are you in the US? Does she currently receive any government benefits? Food stamps, at least? Wait, don't tell me - She's too proud for that, right? Well, she's going to have to suck it up and make sacrifices, and if she's not willing to, then she's not deserving of your help at this time.

 

Never explain to her why you will only do so much or will only give her $XX. You don't need to justify yourself. Do not say, "Well, I can only give you $XX because I want to put money into savings." Your mother does not understand the concept of savings and will not accept your answer. So simply say, "Here's what I'm offering..." If she argues or asks why, tell her that you won't discuss your finances and that she can take what you're offering or leave it. Don't let her guilt you.

 

And don't let her sister guilt you, either. That's a strange little thing she does, unloading her own feelings of guilt onto you so you might deal with the problem and she won't have to face it. She's probably not doing it intentionally or maliciously, but it's still a pretty crummy thing she's doing. Clearly your aunt has some problems, too, and it's not your job to fix them.

 

So I think you have to set some really firm boundaries and grow a backbone made of steel in order to protect yourself from this. It's going to be hard, but your own well being is the most important thing. You're all adults, and you all have to look out for yourselves.

[GG3]

In October my mother was given a job. It was the exact same work she had done before which is a miracle in a small town. Making 10 dollars an hour, 30 hours a week. She quit after two days. It was a payroll job and she said she didn't like how they were doing the payroll. I got angry and told her that it seemed like she just doesn't want to work. Her sister took her side and said I was "picking on her" and that I don't "understand the ramifications" of the job. (I'm an engineer but now I'm a moron that doesn't understand.)

 

Funny though, during this time her sister started giving her a monthly allowance of some sort and has been stressed to the max. For a long time no one spoke to me about this matter and her sister doesn't speak to me on the phone anymore at all. Then Friday I get an email from her sister saying she wants to call me this weekend, we need to talk and have I thought about what my mom should do if she doesn't get a job? She said, "I thought about buying a bigger house and letting her move in with me and pay her bills off but I live in Colorado and she hates it here." Her sister has already suggested "we" help her move to Florida where I live and I've have continually pointed out, "relocating her doesn't increase her monthly income." If you spend all this money to move her, she still doesn't have enough monthly income. What if she doesn't get a job? What then?

 

I sent some emails with suggestions such as ONCE AGAIN getting rid of the one year old new mustang...her sister fires back the payment is only 300 and that won't help much. I said, "She needs to get a job." Her sister says, "Well she says no one will hire because she is old." I said, "You see older people working at walmart all the time. Places will hire them." Her sister doesn't write back. I sent an email with information for a service my company offers to my family members that will help her try to find financial services for retired persons such as food stamps or grants, whatever is out there. I suggested "maybe we could find a financial planner." Her sister says, "That might have helped a few years ago but not now." It sounds like the only thing her sister wants to hear is "Let mom move in with me or I'll give her a monthly allowance." We are talking 800-1000 a month. Not a few hundred dollars! After these emails, my aunt has not written me back. I spent most of yesterday worrying that I'm going to get a phone call from her crying or bullying me.

 

What kills me is that the whole "problem" would be fixed if my mother would just GET A JOB. Her sister thinks the solution is everyone else should twist into a pretzel and give up their lives, goals, and money to fix my mother's situation.

 

I guess there is no solution for me other than to keep saying no. I'm just stressed knowing that I'm going to get bullied and I worry that they are both building resentment towards me if I do anything for myself. I was hoping to take a trip for my birthday in March but I know how my aunt is. She will decide I am selfish for doing that instead of giving my mother the money I would spend on a trip.

[Survivor12]

Interesting that you still feel obligated to respond to the family demands and tolerate the abuse even though your aunt has chosen not to even "speak to you on the phone anymore at all".

 

There is no reason to continue to say no over and over. Your mother is lazy, has an undeserved sense of entitlement and her sister has enabled her far too long. You have offered realistic & reasonable solutions that have been refused. It is not your legal or moral obligation to support your mother under these circumstances. In fact, you would be doing her a favor to let her--and your aunt--know that your assistance is not an option. Period. End of story. Sound cruel? Not at all. Until she faces the reality of having to stand on her own two feet to survive, she will remain dependent.

 

For your own good, take a big step away from the mess and focus on enjoying the life that you have EARNED. Let them know that you will no longer be available to discuss your mother's problems at least until she has taken steps to help herself. If your aunt chooses to continue enabling, fine, but you don't need or want to hear about it.

 

Setting obundaries with family isn't easy, and mother-daughter relationships are particularly sensitive. Perhaps it would be helpful for you to discuss this with a counselor who can guide you and give you insight and tools to alleviate feelings of guilt and frustration.

 

Be strong & don't be hard on yourself.