So stupid....I've reached a new low

[Crazy_Love]

By reading everyone else's posts here, I should have known better. I often wonder how someone reasonably intelligent can do the things I've done. I can't seem to think at all around this man and about this relationship.

 

I went NC with my MM of two years about a month ago. He, however, kept contacting me. Since we were best friends he kept telling me that we could keep the friendship only but that he couldn't live without me. I missed him terribly and thought I could do friends only. Nope.

 

I can't believe how I treat myself or allow him to treat me. Yesterday, he asked me to take him shopping for his wife's birthday today. I stood next to him, giving him advice on which flowers she would like, what books he should pick, even the card and the chocolate....and I realized this is sick. Firstly, because he's never given me anything on my special days and secondly, because me, his lover, is choosing gifts for his wife! I almost became physically ill.

 

I dropped him home and without telling him have gone NC again. I can't live like this. He hasn't noticed yet because they are celebrating her day. Logically, I know I'm doing the right thing but why doesn't it feel right? -Why, after two years, am I still obsessed with this man? Why can't I think clearly when it comes to him? I have a perfectly wonderful, single man chasing me right now and all I can think about is my MM. I don't want this.

 

Help!

[bentleychic]

I hope someone that has gotten out of it can give you advice. I cannot. Just sympathy. Lots and lots of sympathy.

 

What he asked of you today was completely disrespectful, not only to you, but to her. I'm sure her excitement over her birthday and gifts would totally be diminished if she knew that his OW had helped him plan all of the details. That's crummy.

[HopingAgain]

You are not stupid, just blinded by love. I will agree though that it doesn't get any lower than this in an affair. Either he's totally oblivious to your feelings or just doesn't care. I'm not sure which possibility is worse. Go NC again and stay in NC permanently.

[whatatangledweb]

That was very cruel of him. How could he not know how it would make you feel or how his wife would feel if she knew? You deserve so much better than this as does she.

[ageofaquarius]

Ahhh, been there, done that.....stood by as he picked out a dress for his wife...I never thought I could "get out" but I did, almost two years ago and it still pains me to think of how I let myself be so humiliated. Please, look in the mirror and tell yourself over and over again, "I deserve better!"

[ChristopherRobin]

I really never fully understand the logic of these situations. You are with a man who is cheating on his wife and would even stoop as low as to have the mistress help pick out her Birthday gifts?

 

If I were in your shoes right now, I would imagine myself as the wife. Such disrespect he shows towards her, and that is someone he chose to spend the rest of his life with and made promises to. Do you honestly think you are going to be any different than his wife?

 

I would also like to point out that the man you are in love with has no backbone if he can't end his marriage before doing these things. Lack of character, lack of self-control, lack of empathy, lack of respect, and finally lack of a backbone. Doesn't seem like a very attractive person to me.

[Crazy_Love]

I really never fully understand the logic of these situations. You are with a man who is cheating on his wife and would even stoop as low as to have the mistress help pick out her Birthday gifts?

 

If I were in your shoes right now, I would imagine myself as the wife. Such disrespect he shows towards her, and that is someone he chose to spend the rest of his life with and made promises to. Do you honestly think you are going to be any different than his wife?

 

I would also like to point out that the man you are in love with has no backbone if he can't end his marriage before doing these things. Lack of character, lack of self-control, lack of empathy, lack of respect, and finally lack of a backbone. Doesn't seem like a very attractive person to me.

 

Agreed completely. It's what I can't understand either. It defies logic. I should not love such a person, yet I do. It doesn't make sense. And no, he wouldn't leave his wife for me and even if he did, I'd never trust him. But yet, I love him. And I hate it.

[Crazy_Love]

I'm going to keep reading everything you are writing to me. It's making me angry at him and I need that to stay strong. Thank you, please keep it coming

[ageofaquarius]

I thought I loved him too, I really did! But if you think about what love truly means--this isn't love. How can we love someone we don't respect? People talk about the affair "fog" and I really believe it. Now, looking back, I realize I was like a dog pacing the floor and looking for crumbs he would throw me and oh how I would eat them up! Consider looking inside yourself--not him--but you. What keeps you attached to a man who has little or no respect for you or for his wife?

[Crazy_Love]

I thought I loved him too, I really did! But if you think about what love truly means--this isn't love. How can we love someone we don't respect? People talk about the affair "fog" and I really believe it. Now, looking back, I realize I was like a dog pacing the floor and looking for crumbs he would throw me and oh how I would eat them up! Consider looking inside yourself--not him--but you. What keeps you attached to a man who has little or no respect for you or for his wife?

 

Loneliness. He fills my days. I had 15 years of isolation with my husband, and I don't want to go back to that. And I know what you will say, I need to be comfortable and happy with myself first, and I'm not sure I know how to do those things. I think counseling might be in order.

[trailrunner1975]

Remember all these bad feelings- they help you to move on faster,imo. As we approached what would be the final benchmark I had set internally, my ex AP would send pics of her time together with her H. I never reacted as she was probably trying to get a reaction from me. I guess she was trying to toy with me as she made her unannounced exit. Of course,, I was headed for the exit at a faster pace and all that junk made NC so simple when my benchmark arrived. She did me a huge favor, really.

[ageofaquarius]

I'm sorry you had that isolation with your H, I did too at times and it's a horrible feeling...But....these aren't your only two choices! (AP or lousy M) right? Counseling is a great idea. I had several false starts with NC, but when I finally blocked him from my cell phone and knew that he couldn't reach me, I did start to feel a sense of relief bc I was no longer on the roller coaster! He came roaring back when he heard through former colleagues that I had divorced and was in a relationship and I almost fell again!!! So I started to tell everyone I knew about my A (not his name) but I found that the more I told the story out loud and the more I related instances of crumb dropping, the more I could be an outsider looking in and could start saying WTF is my problem??? What, I am only allowed to text between 9am-4pm and never on weekends? I once gave him a book for his birthday and he returned it several days later saying, "well I can't keep it bc she will ask where I got it from" etc. It's just an unhealthy situation all around.....Be good to yourself

[Speakingofwhich]

Crazy Love, I'm not sure this is true but I kind of believe it. That everyone has a threshold of self esteem they won't let another person go below. Possibly they are set when you are a little kid and according to the way you were treated growing up. I don't know.

 

Just the fact that a person has an A, to me, says something about that person's self esteem. I'm saying this as an ex OW and I did have some very poor treatment as a kid. However, although I did have an A, I didn't let him treat me poorly within the A. This may be due to the fact that my parents really stood up for themselves and for us kids if anyone tried to mess with us. I think them modeling that behavior has helped me innately have a low tolerance for poor treatment.

 

How can you overcome tolerance for poor treatment? By both emotionally and intellectually realizing your worth. One thing that has helped me in my self esteem is reading the Bible. Because it's all about the value of humans. The entire book is based on that premise and uses all kinds of illustrations to drive the point home. When you read it you're convinced that you're worth a lot and should be treated like a queen!

[Speakingofwhich]

Just the fact that a person has an A, to me, says something about that person's self esteem. I'm saying this as an ex OW and I did have some very poor treatment as a kid. However, although I did have an A, I didn't let him treat me poorly within the A.

!

 

I need to qualify that last statement. It wasn't that I didn't let him treat me poorly as he always treated me very well.

[psm04]

I'm sorry that you had to go through that ordeal. But, sometimes I think we need something really extreme like that to truly see what's going on. With me and xOMM, the final straw came when we were discussing plans to meet up, and he started talking about how the day we were planning might be when they were going to celebrate their anniversary! I mean, we were planning our rendezvous around their freaking anniversary! That's when I realized how low this whole situation was, and I realized that he was still being the loving husband at home. I also have a loving husband at home who is completely loyal to me, and he didn't deserve any of what was happening.

 

The reason I brought up my story was that that horrible conversation with him helped me to finally end it for good, and helped me not want any part of the affair. I hope your experience does the same for you. You deserve better, and he seems to have NO consideration for your feelings or your pain. Let his wife be his best friend, and if she can't be that for him, let him figure out how to deal with it. Don't let yourself be used for his needs.

[Crazy_Love]

The lack of empathy of some of these OMs is something out of this world. How dare he treat younthis way?

 

But, more importantly. Why did you volunteer?????

 

Sorry I wasn't clearer. He asked me to go shopping with him, it was only after we got there that it was revealed it was for his wife. If I had been a more courageous person, I would have just left him there.

[2sure]

I did this. I was not extremely emotionally attached to MM and he was a notoriously bad gift giver. He loved his wife enough to want her to have nice gifts, but he was just bad at it. He asked me to help him shop, because ...I like to. In the midst of it, after having no guilt about our relationship at all....I couldn't do it. I put myself in her shoes , and realized I would rather have a bad stupid gift from my husband than a great gift picked out by someone else, especially his OW. I stopped helping him and went home.

 

He didn't get it though. He just wanted help picking out something she would like, he didn't understand why I wouldn't.

 

Says even more today than it did at the time.

[ChristopherRobin]

I'm going to keep reading everything you are writing to me. It's making me angry at him and I need that to stay strong. Thank you, please keep it coming

 

Based on this, you just need to separate yourself completely. NC. Clearly you have logically realized he is not the man for you and wouldn't be a good fit, which means the rest is residual emotion. A couple weeks with no contact and you'll be feeling much better. I'm sure you remember crushes as a kid where some new crush was the one, and it felt so intense and real, but then next week a new boy-band came out and you had a whole new crush. Very similar psychologically speaking.

[SunsetRed]

Wish I were wise enough to offer advice. Counseling sounds like a great option. I could use some counseling myself.

[Goodbye]

Sorry I wasn't clearer. He asked me to go shopping with him, it was only after we got there that it was revealed it was for his wife. If I had been a more courageous person, I would have just left him there.

 

 

 

I'm confused. Are you in a "just friends" phase? Either way, heartless move on his part. On my last "vacation" with exMM he went shopping for a gift for his wife. That was one of many nails in the coffin. I'm sorry he did this to you. It is good that you've decided to cut it off...perhaps you should explain briefly in a note that you were wounded by his decision to have you participate in picking out things for his wife and you have moved on. It seems like things have been quite open ended in your R, so if you don't explain a little, I suspect he'll be pestering you to join him the next time he needs to pick out things for his wife.

[Crazy_Love]

I'm confused. Are you in a "just friends" phase? Either way, heartless move on his part. On my last "vacation" with exMM he went shopping for a gift for his wife. That was one of many nails in the coffin. I'm sorry he did this to you. It is good that you've decided to cut it off...perhaps you should explain briefly in a note that you were wounded by his decision to have you participate in picking out things for his wife and you have moved on. It seems like things have been quite open ended in your R, so if you don't explain a little, I suspect he'll be pestering you to join him the next time he needs to pick out things for his wife.

 

No, sadly we weren't just friends. He's a very smooth talker and I'm just too much in love. Yes, I've been mentally composing an email about it, will send one today

[EsmerKiss77]

I've always related these type of situations to being addicted to drugs. You know its not right or good for you yet you cant stop yourself from going back to him. It is sick and twisted in its own way, but the reality is you are addicted. You know deep down this isnt healthy for you, and you know you should move on. The only thing thats stopping you is you. Eventually you will realize that you have wasted your life on something that is not going to reciprocate, once this happens you'll free yourself from the rut, it hurts but you just have to stick to your guns and stay strong.

[Crazy_Love]

I've always related these type of situations to being addicted to drugs. You know its not right or good for you yet you cant stop yourself from going back to him. It is sick and twisted in its own way, but the reality is you are addicted. You know deep down this isnt healthy for you, and you know you should move on. The only thing thats stopping you is you. Eventually you will realize that you have wasted your life on something that is not going to reciprocate, once this happens you'll free yourself from the rut, it hurts but you just have to stick to your guns and stay strong.

 

You hit the nail on the head! I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol but I imagine this is exactly what that feels like. Cause when I'm with him, even though I'm in pain, it's a calm pain, but when I'm without, well, it's horrible. Thank you

[KentuckyGent]

I've always related these type of situations to being addicted to drugs. You know its not right or good for you yet you cant stop yourself from going back to him. It is sick and twisted in its own way, but the reality is you are addicted. You know deep down this isnt healthy for you, and you know you should move on. The only thing thats stopping you is you. Eventually you will realize that you have wasted your life on something that is not going to reciprocate, once this happens you'll free yourself from the rut, it hurts but you just have to stick to your guns and stay strong.

 

 

It is exactly like a drug addiction. I use to have little empathy for drug addicts. Why don't they just stop doing something that is obviously so bad for you? But after my stint as an OM it is no different. You crave a "high" so to speak and even a little hit of the "drug" is better than none at all. I've seen my ex-MW once in 7 months and I still crave the high.

[Crazy_Love]

Uh-huh. And loving him has gotten you to the point where you are helping me have a wonderful day with his wife. He will look amazing to his wife. She will think he is so special. It's not like he is going to say "And this one, my Mistress helped me pick out."

 

I must be callous. The "buuuut I love him" rationale grates me the most. I read it also on BS forums. BS' who are with serial cheaters, throwing themselves at these people who stomping all over the betrayed spouses self esteem and self worth. They willingly put themselves in these situations and justify it with a simple "but I love him". In this type of toxic situation one should learn to love themselves more.

 

I agree completely. When I started with him two years ago, their relationship was in shambles. I provided him with everything lacking, his mood and attitude improved greatly, eased the tension in their marriage and now it's wonderful and they live happily ever after. He says if I leave, it will fall apart. Tired of being the balm. She even admits that because of me things are good (she knows we are good friends)