Got dumped out of the blue, do I stand a chance to get her back? [update]

[Armyguy123]

Hey everyone this is my first post on this site, I have been reading some of the posts to try to get a better picture and regain perspective.

 

Ok so here's my story and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

So I dated this girl for my Junior and Senior year of college. We did everything together and she repeatedly told me how much she loved me and how I was the perfect guy. We both just graduated and live about 3 hrs away so its not a bad drive. We spent this entire summer seeing each other and doing fun things. She went to Europe early in the summer with her family and sent me postcards how much she missed being able to talk to me and couldn't wait to see me. She drove 3 hrs the first day she got back to come visit me. I was thrilled to see her.

 

I am an officer in the Army Reserves and it has been my dream to become a helicopter pilot. I fought and fought to earn a slot and earlier this month finally landed a slot. I called her and told her how excited I was and she was super exciting for me too. 3 days later a gift basket filled with my favorite beers arrived at my door, I was more than surprised. The cool thing about the unit I was assigned to was that it was only 20 min from her home and if need be I would be way closer to see her, which she liked.

 

The next week went by and I visited her for her birthday. I took her to the movies and she loved it. Then we went out for a few drinks and I bought her a shot with the flavor of her favorite candy when she went to the bathroom. She was so surprised she took a pic and posted it on facebook, I was happy for her. The next day we went with her family and spent the day at the beach. She loved letting me hold her in the ocean and posted on her facebook again. "At the beach with my favorite person".

 

The next day I have to get back home and take care of stuff and she starts saying that she may seem really distant in the coming days because she is starting her job as a brand new high school teacher and is nervous. I said don't worry about it you'll do great I wont take offense to it. So I leave and she begins to not call as much, nor text pretty much at all. So I call her and I ask what's up? She breaks down and says (my name) you really just need to give me some space, I'm having doubts about our future and I need to figure it out. I immediately went into panic mode and kept asking her whats going on, you were so happy on your birthday, I don't understand.

 

She didn't call or text in the next 2 days and the next time she called me. She said we needed to talk. We talked for awhile and she told me the problems were a lot deeper than the small minuscule ones she kept beating me up about. She told me she didn't feel like I was "The One" she wanted to marry anymore and wanted to be single to focus on her new job.

 

I was so blindsided that it sent me into an anxiety attack and I fell to the floor crying. Keep in mind I'm a soldier I've had people scream the meanest things to my face, but this just tore straight through my heart. All my friends were so surprised and have rushed to my aid and no one saw it coming. I am still struggling to come to grasp with how someone can send you a postcard saying how much they missed and loved you, loving the time spent on their birthday, and in one week to never wanting to see you ever again.

 

I have a feeling she is deeply confused about starting her new job and does not handle stress as well as me. I managed a relationship, military, fraternity, and academics while in school. I am clinging to the idea that she will eventually call me and say about what a mistake she made, and it is not healthy. She was my best friend and lover. Her parents and sisters loved me and always told me how good I was to her, and how much better I was than her ex. Her mom even said she'd be ok with me marrying her daughter.

 

Please offer me advice. I haven't spoke to her in over a week and the last thing she said to me is that she still loves and cares about me, that she just doesn't have intimate feelings for me anymore. She said that I need to focus on myself and she needs to focus on being the best at her new job, and that I was the best boyfriend she has ever had. I am slowly going crazy because I was already feeling depressed about finishing college and moving into the real world and not being able to be with my college friends.

 

I'm trying my best at NC but I'm pretty much only using it to hope she ends up missing me and thinking she made a mistake. But so far she hasn't said anything and I'm afraid of I'll never be able to see her again and things ended so abruptly.

 

Thanks

[Armyguy123]

Additional info. The day I got back from her house for her birthday I ordered flowers to be delivered to her on the first day of her new work so they'd be there when she got back. She texted me that she loved the flowers and then called me later that night to dump me. I was so devastated, and still am right now.

 

She randomly after the break up sent on facebook "WHYD YOU UNFRIEND ME ON FACEBOOK" which I know was impulsively sent to me, and shows she was trying to look at my facebook. It made me want to text back WHYD YOU DUMP ME B****! but I calmly told her that I wanted to remove the temptation of talking to her.

 

Was she using me all summer to have fun before starting her new job, and knew she was going to dump me? Her saying I still love and care about you and impulsively saying whyd you unfriend me is giving me a false sense of hope I'm clinging to hoping she'll come back

[Brown-Eyez]

 

...she said to me is that she still loves and cares about me, that she just doesn't have intimate feelings for me anymore....and that I was the best boyfriend she has ever had.

 

Thanks

 

sorry, but she is saying good bye to you

[unexpectedlyhere]

Too long, didn't read, but I would wholeheartedly recommend you check out: Breakup Recovery Guide

 

Especially "The immediate aftermath" and "Getting back together" in the full guide.

[bubbaganoosh]

I think that your seeing that the girl is really wishey washey and has some serious growing up to do. If she can't handle a relationship where there seemed to be little or no pressure, how is she going to handle a room full of spoiled unruly kids who will jangle every nerve in her body.

 

My advice. Pick up the pieces and move on. Your going to need full concentration if your going to be a chopper pilot. I wouldn't answer any text messages or phone calls from her because it will open up more wounds and if you let it get to you, your dream of flying choppers will go down in flames. Best of luck to you.

[Armyguy123]

Im trying im just super pissed that my Army base is 15 min from her home, and will think of her every time I have to go and will be tempted to try to meet up with her.

 

I know she'll start missing me eventually what do I do then to?

[Brown-Eyez]

Im trying im just super pissed that my Army base is 15 min from her home, and will think of her every time I have to go and will be tempted to try to meet up with her.

 

I know she'll start missing me eventually what do I do then to?

 

you have to stay strong because otherwise you will be thrown into a big washing machine of emotions and just get tossed around again & again..

 

find another way to your base that does not include driving by her place, your best chance to heal from this is to keep removing all traces of her presence from your life (if you have the will to do it)

 

from what I've learned if they want you back they will let you know, in the meantime you have to think of them as if they have died.

[Armyguy123]

I'm just still so confused how you can go from one extreme to another in her case from loving to wanting nothing to do with me. I know for a fact she 100% cares she made it a point to tell me there are no other men she cares about and that she doesnt even want to look for someone.

 

I just think shes gonna throw herself at the next man that shows any remote interest in her and then realize what a mistake she made and come crying back to me.

 

I am an attractive and in shape man with a bright future and I want to share it with her. I know I can probably sleep with a woman if I really wanted to. I just want to sleep with her and feel her touch again. I slept with a girl last week, who was infatuated at me being a helicopter pilot and in the army. I felt so terrible afterwards and only thought about being with her in bed.

[Brown-Eyez]

I'm just still so confused how you can go from one extreme to another in her case from loving to wanting nothing to do with me. I know for a fact she 100% cares she made it a point to tell me there are no other men she cares about and that she doesnt even want to look for someone.

 

I just think shes gonna throw herself at the next man that shows any remote interest in her and then realize what a mistake she made and come crying back to me.

 

I am an attractive and in shape man with a bright future and I want to share it with her. I know I can probably sleep with a woman if I really wanted to. I just want to sleep with her and feel her touch again. I slept with a girl last week, who was infatuated at me being a helicopter pilot and in the army. I felt so terrible afterwards and only thought about being with her in bed.

 

yeah you got it bad..

 

and you're right she might come crying back, what will you do?

[Brown-Eyez]

I agree it's the strangest thing ever, someone you KNOW cares about you ALOT and yet breaks up with you?!

 

The only answer, love is not enough to keep 2 people together.

[Armyguy123]

Thats whats eating me up. I know no one will care and put up with the s*** i did with her. I am clinging to the hope that she will someday realize what a mistake she made.

 

Its hard because I am a solider and I need to be emotionally stable to handle that kind of stress. Because one day I may be shipped off to war and experience much worse pain.

 

You would think a girl would be content in a relationship with a devoted man who could easily get with other girls, but doesn't look at any other woman, doesn't notice either, only focuses on the one he loves and constantly lets her know she is loved in many unique and romantic ways.

 

The fact that I know I did nothing wrong either is one of the biggest problems I'm facing, but I keep replaying things in my head like WHAT IF I gave her space when she wanted it prior to the breakup. But I really think the space she needed was to get ready to dump me and was too afraid to do it then.

 

This is the hardest thing I've experience in a long time and I've been in the army for 4 years.

 

Right now I'm just hoping another girl comes into my life unexpectedly and helps me pick up the pieces because alone I am slowly going crazy.

[Armyguy123]

I got to take a break now I just realized I was on here for 3 hours when I should be focusing on other more important things. Man dumpees are always the biggest losers in breakups, I hate how the dumper has literally all the power.

[Sparkle304]

 

Right now I'm just hoping another girl comes into my life unexpectedly and helps me pick up the pieces because alone I am slowly going crazy.

 

Oh please, please I hope this doesn't happen! No woman can help you pick up the pieces........that is all up to you.

[Armyguy123]

Bump.

 

I think she is getting what is referred to on here is grass is greener syndrome and freaked out at the possibility of a larger commitment and ran away. It just sucks she ran away from something that was perfectly fine.

[llleonidus]

That's women for you dude! My ex told me she loved me for the first time and dumped me the next day!

 

I was devastated, didn't think I would ever get through it, that was 2 weeks ago now I'm in completely different place, and the reason I got here was by doing no contact, so just stick with it and give her time to miss you sounds like she still loves you but might just be concerned that things are changing for you both!

 

 

She will come back, they always do eventually might not be for a while though!

 

 

Remember you chase something and it will run..

[Armyguy123]

It just confuses the hell out of me. Bc now my mind says move on but my heart says to fight for her bc of how good our relationship was.

[spiderowl]

I'm really sorry to hear what happened and no wonder it's confusing.

 

In my experience, if someone is going to break up with you, they do often tell you all the nice things about you first (to try to soften the blow). However, it doesn't sound like this is what she was doing.

 

Something did occur to me. In any relationship, if the guys starts to become too intense, it does cause me to panic and back off. I am talking about a relationship where I'm not sure of him in the first place though, in which case I would not have been saying the enthusiastic things your girlfriend was, so this may not apply. But anyway, romantic gestures are lovely, but if a guy sent me flowers at work, I would see that as being either: wildly romantic; or invading my privacy and causing embarrassment, depending on how I viewed myself in my workplace. If I was having doubts about a guy, either because I felt we weren't compatible or because he was getting too intense too soon, such a gesture would really affect me the wrong way. It's a very clear signal that you want to be in her life completely, not just as a passing interest. It's a signal to her and to her co-workers. It's a bit like marking your territory. At that point, she decided she is not your territory.

 

At some point she asked for space, I think it would have been a good idea to give her that, to back off at that point. Having said all this, she has said goodbye now. She may change her mind - it's not impossible - but you can't go on as if she will. I suspect that if she does, it will only happen if you give her the space to miss you. Even then, I would imagine she would need some feedback that suggests you would not be as intense as before, so that she can freely choose to be with you rather than feel surrounded.

 

In summary, you have not done anything wrong but your pace and hers were different and if she did come back, you would need to ensure your paces matched.

[Mcscooter]

Just got to move on man. NC to the fullest. It's her lost. In most cases you have to be heartless. When my ex of 3 years broke up with me while I was in the Marines. I just went out to enjoy myself. Cut complete contact. Sure I had false hope, but us dumpees secretly do. Focus on yourself. No ones going to do you better except yourself. Hey I know it sucks, but come on you got better things in life. It takes time.

[Armyguy123]

^^ thanks for the support she did ask for space but I think she had already made up her mind. I sent the flowers to her home and her sister is the one who gave me the idea to send something to begin with. I coordinated with her. Do you really think if I just stopped talking to her when she wanted space shed still be with me I doubt it. I limited myself to like one or two texts a day saying I hope you are doing ok feel free to call me at any point but there is no pressure. She knew what she was going to do and it took her during those days to finally decide.

[Armyguy123]

Also I broke my NC today and hoped she did well at work after labor day when she has students to teach. I got false hope from her response and she said shell call me tomorrow. Wtf do I do? I haven't heard her voice since she dumped me and I'm a soldier and I need to keep it together but I'm afraid I'm gonna lose my cool and start trying to get her back.

[Armyguy123]

Also I have my doubts bc I am going away for 16 months for helicopter school she won't want to stay with me if she is really committed to me thats why she said maybe in a year or two things might change. Its just so sad. I'm an officer and a gentleman. I respect woman and any other would kill to have the treatment I gave her. I did nothing wrong. Her doing this makes me think she didn't value all the nice things i have done for her and will only remember when she sleeps with some guy she is attracted to her and he hurts her. Then and only then is when shell truly realize what she lost.

[Mcscooter]

Should of remain NC at all cause. If she wanted to talk or something she would of contacted you. 16 months is pretty long. Longer than a deployment. Like you said girls would kill for a guy like you. I mean look, she just threw you out of her life like that. Seems like she didn't want it. Can't love someone, who doesn't love you back. Your just blinded by love right now. Take advantage of NC, recovery will take time. Make sure you remove any social media that associates with her. You can keep the pictures because "pictures stay the same, even though the people change". You got bigger things to focus on like your job. Here's a story of my life. When my ex left me. I had trouble focusing on my job. Operating with my fire team. Giving vague or indecisive orders. Performing poorly because I was thinking about her. Took a couple days to make me realize. My Marines were more important than her. Since than i focused on myself and my team I cut her off. I'll think about her from time to time, but it's not the same. I got better **** to do. Than to worry about a girl that left me.

[Armyguy123]

She called and I answered the phone it was kind of awkward cause I haven't spoken to her in 2 weeks. I kept it brief bc I was afraid to get hurt again and told her I was busy and would catch up later. I could tell she was almost relieved I didn't want to talk and said ok and we said good bye. Now I'm in a weird place. Breaking up in your 20s seems to be very hard bc you can be so compatible but each person is trying to forge their own path and If they don't intersect its very sad people choose to leave something they enjoy.

[Mcscooter]

You get the point and i'm sure you understand. Now you just have to live up to it. I'm going to be honest, but your not going to forget about her. You will adapt to moving on. Give it a couple months, you'll start to notice the difference from day one of the breakup. Keep your head up high speed lol.

[Armyguy123]

So I got a call and it was a number I did not recognize. Answered it and it was the ex. I never recognize numbers anymore bc I just instantly save them into my smart phone. Anyways so I ended up talking to her about things and we catch up. Things were ok for about 25 minutes and I realize I don't want to get off the phone but I know I should.

 

Then we drift into talking about other things and she starts crying. Says that she misses me and I f***ing lose it at that point. I relapse so bad to the point that I think she may be having some sort of regret. I cling to this hope like the edge of a cliff. I realize what she is doing. She is using me for the support and comfort when she feels lonely and does not actually want me back. She never said any intention of that and said she stands by her decision. It sends so many mixed signals my mind is spinning. I don't want to be used by her when she feels sad and alone at night, because that's how I feel everyday.

 

She is the one who blindsided me and I want a real attempt to try to get back with me not this mixed signal where she says one thing but makes me feel she is hesitant to the break up and makes me cling to it like no tomorrow. Its like believing that Japanese are gonna come back friendly after attacking Pearl Harbor and apologize, my impulses are getting the best of me.

 

Sadly though I am still subconsciously chasing the mixed signals and breaking NC because I still hope that she will change her mind, because at my core that's what I want even if it isn't healthy for me. Just like a cocaine addict wants his cocaine.

 

Any tips on how to strengthen your resolve and not follow these mixed signals because now I am messed up because she says she misses me and cried, which says she wants to see me but still says we should stay broken up. This is just so f**king stupid, and maybe one day I'll get fed up with it but now I feel my resolve is too weak and I give in.