Got dumped out of the blue, do I stand a chance to get her back? [update]

[rainforest4172]

I agree with others in that you should send her a direct message like:

"I understand you like to text others early, but don't message me." OR

you could continue to ignore her.

 

I do not want to see you get hurt by her or her games. She is lost and alone, and doesn't know what she wants, or who she is. She using you as a pawn when she gets down and needs some uplifting.

 

You have tried. You were her friend, but honestly, you've got friends....she's just going to keep you down. Rise above and find a girl that's worth your time. Your young, and be well. Do good work.

[Armyguy123]

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm almost at the point of not giving up, but rather putting this on permanent hiatus. I feel like my thoughts of her and idealizing her is getting ridiculous. I deserve much better. She may be 1.5 years older than me, but she has a lot of growing up to do. I wish these other girls texting me could somehow attract my interest. Being a single armt officer and a pilot is very appealing to a lot of fine looking ladies. But I am not ready for any commitments at all with a new woman.

[Armyguy123]

Hey ArmyGuy shoot me an E-mail. I have two relationship storys that are very similar to yours. I have kinda been through all of this a few times man. [email protected] shoot me an E-mail I think it would be good for us to talk.

 

 

How do I know you are not a scammer or something.

[mikefiore]

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm almost at the point of not giving up, but rather putting this on permanent hiatus. I feel like my thoughts of her and idealizing her is getting ridiculous. I deserve much better. She may be 1.5 years older than me, but she has a lot of growing up to do. I wish these other girls texting me could somehow attract my interest. Being a single armt officer and a pilot is very appealing to a lot of fine looking ladies. But I am not ready for any commitments at all with a new woman.

I'm reading through all your posts. All I can say is you are a tougher person than you give credit for.

 

However, having faced a vaguely similar situation slightly over 5 years ago, i am rather skeptical (sorry buddy!) when you said "I wish these other girls texting me could somehow attract my interest." Now, to be fair, it's hard for any girl to get your interest when you are still thinking (even subcounsciously) about your ex!

 

"But I am not ready for any commitments at all with a new woman." Yes, you are probably right. But buddy, I sure hope its not because you are constantly comparing girls that come your way with your ex. Sometimes when one door closes, another door opens.

 

Bottomline is : You got be sure what you REALLY want to do. Otherwise you will be throwing chance away by at every turn (whether its the chance to set your ex straight and win her for good OR the chance to get to know the girls that have been trying to get your attention and give them a chance to know you!)

 

WHatever it is, I do hope things work out for you. I really do.

[Never Again]

Ok, I read you post and you are a good writer!

Here is what I think: I'm in my forties now and divorced. I was once like this girl you describe; I dumped people out of the blue. When I look back to why I did this, it stems from insecurity and feeling afraid of the world. It was also because I did not know myself, and was looking for qualities in the perfect person; No one was ever good enough. I then went on to marry a guy that was super "macho" and told me he'd fight people for me...that was not good either. It was not until I found who I was in this world that I got clear answers; Now, I am so happy alone.

 

You do not sound lost. You sound as you are a good guy with a good head on his shoulders. You sound reasonable, logical and of sound mind. It sounds like you thought you had a really good friend and lover, and that you liked the way both of those roles were played out to you. You sound like you had a "plan" for you too in your head.

 

She didn't have a plan at all. I know this well. She was just thinking about how she felt each minute, and I can guarantee that she is going to seriously regret her decision. THe sad thing is that she won't regret it until you are way down the road, probably married to someone else. She also sounds superficial; you liked how much fun you had together, but that's all the deeper she is: She doesn't have more to offer you than that.

 

Your military comparison is profound; Think about how hard you have to be in your profession, and then think of this girl. They don't compare. You deserve someone who is much more in tune with themselves, and deeper than this. You also deserve someone who can look at you not just for who you are romantically, but also who you are as a friend.

 

She had that chance, and blew it; not because she wanted to...but because she only knew how to perceive you in one way. This is not love. Love is full of life and vice versa. Love means not only flowers and happy times, but also tears, and dealing with stress and anxiety; I don't think this is the right person for such a good guy like you.

 

Choose wisely and it'll all work out

 

This is probably the most helpful post here.

 

I say this from having read the whole thread, and from the situation I went through 4 months ago. Funny thing was, she openly admitted not knowing herself or what she wanted from life...and that fact that she thought I DID scared her. When things stopped being FUN! and EXCITING! all the time, she felt that "in love" feeling fade (which is meant to come and go) and bailed without trying to get it back. She just didn't understand how "serious" relationships work, and you sound like you're in a similar situation.

 

It sounds like you were screwed by timing. She's just not mature enough right now, and she may never be. Maybe some day she'll regret it and come around, and if she does...it'll be your call if you want to take her back.

 

For right now...it'd never work no matter how hard you tried. She doesn't know herself or what she wants enough. All you can do is move on and let her know you're doing so. Tell her you accept the breakup is for the best but that you both need space, and disconnect.

 

When you're healed, and only then, you can check in with her if you feel comfortable doing that.

[Anethen]

Funny thing was, she openly admitted not knowing herself or what she wanted from life...and that fact that she thought I DID scared her. When things stopped being FUN! and EXCITING! all the time, she felt that "in love" feeling fade (which is meant to come and go) and bailed without trying to get it back. She just didn't understand how "serious" relationships work, and you sound like you're in a similar situation.

 

I think this sounds exactly like my ex. He bailed after having a "something is missing feeling" for just three days. It hurts to think that he didn't want to fight through that feeling. But, accepting things and moving on is the only thing that one can do.

 

To the OP, I would just stop all contact with her. She is confused. If you guys do get back together, she will probably start having the same feelings and leave you heartbroken yet again. I would tell her that you guys need to go strict NC for a while. That's the only way.

[Armyguy123]

Today the realization that things are prob not going to change hit me like a freight train. I'm feeling pretty down.

[Armyguy123]

Ex is obviously thinking about me. She texted me hoe are you and I have been ignoring contact for a while. Should I be short and indifferent or just ignore completly, its not like me I think it'd be rude. Then again she broke my heart which is pretty rude.

[hurts2death]

no man. go nc...its you that feel like that...the dumpers have a complete opposte way of thinking...

 

no contact......

 

just my opinion...

[BC1980]

Ex is obviously thinking about me. She texted me hoe are you and I have been ignoring contact for a while. Should I be short and indifferent or just ignore completly, its not like me I think it'd be rude. Then again she broke my heart which is pretty rude.

 

It's not rude. It's the need to properly grieve the relationship without interference from your ex. Any semi decent person would realize that you both need space to deal with the loss.

 

Apparently, you will have to do what I did, which is to request NC from her. She won't do it on her own. Our exes seem to be made from the same mold.

[Armyguy123]

WOW! Ex just started texting me thinking I'm going to be in town for the weekend. I never told her my drill was cancelled, due to the federal shutdown. She was flirting with me and saying she wanted to have "fun" aka have sex. I told her no, not because I don't want to but because I have respect for myself. It really hurt when she said that, and seems like she wants to use me as your sex toy, until she finds a new guy to be emotional for. Isn't this what guys are supposed try to do?

 

NEXT STOP! the anger phase...... ME: ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME! OMG! I'm so mad at her right now. Shes lonely and horny. It doesnt mean she can f*ck with my emotions to get a quick lay. JESUS....going to shower then bed. sorry people.

[Never Again]

In my opinion, your opinions are:

 

- "break" NC with a simple, "hey, I need some space for awhile" kind of message to get the point across. I usually prefer this approach because I feel like I'm being mature and direct (I don't like being thought of as moody/sulky or unable to deal with my own sh*t)

 

- keep full NC and block her number

 

- tell her that "fun" is a VIP privilege. Not the best idea, honestly

 

- have "fun", and when you're finished...leave and say "eh, we're done."

 

I don't recommend that last option for obvious reasons.

[organizedchaos]

This is probably the most helpful post here.

 

I say this from having read the whole thread, and from the situation I went through 4 months ago. Funny thing was, she openly admitted not knowing herself or what she wanted from life...and that fact that she thought I DID scared her. When things stopped being FUN! and EXCITING! all the time, she felt that "in love" feeling fade (which is meant to come and go) and bailed without trying to get it back. She just didn't understand how "serious" relationships work, and you sound like you're in a similar situation.

 

It sounds like you were screwed by timing. She's just not mature enough right now, and she may never be. Maybe some day she'll regret it and come around, and if she does...it'll be your call if you want to take her back.

 

For right now...it'd never work no matter how hard you tried. She doesn't know herself or what she wants enough. All you can do is move on and let her know you're doing so. Tell her you accept the breakup is for the best but that you both need space, and disconnect.

 

When you're healed, and only then, you can check in with her if you feel comfortable doing that.

 

You just described my relationship and bu as well. And she's 33 and still doesn't know herself or what she wants! How can someone at that age still need time to figure themselves out??? We were together for almost 3 years too.

[flight E]

From what u said am quite sure she will come back but only if you man up. Don't ever talk to her. Full blown no contact. And from what I see as much as you want her. When she comes back you probably won't take her. Some people may disagree but I believe a lot of women want rough treatment. Most girls that are treated well always treat the guy badly. I said people will disagree lol. But they always come back because it's hard to find someone that treats you well in every way. It's happened to me more than once and they always come back but only iff you respect yourself by leaving them alone

[Armyguy123]

I don't recognize the girl that I've been talking to anymore. She has changed and does not act like herself. I dont think ill ever see that girl again unless she goes out of her way. Probably for the best for me. I wish this didn't have to happen,....said everyone on this site. Tough break ups suck. This is turning into thr hardest thing I've done and I've been In the army for 4 1/2 years. I'm sure she's gonna try to hook up with me again tomorrow but this time I'm resisting.

[Armyguy123]

Tried to get me to hang out with her again. I actually refused her and stood up for myself. I said it brings back too many memories and emotions hanging out. In addition refused sex and said I have too much respect for myself to allow it to happen, and that I think it would force her to respect me as well which is more attractive. Using someone for sex is one of the ultimate forms of no respect for someone. Ignored her and went out on the town with my best bud. Still ignoring her and got a text saying "I feel like you hate me?" I want to say i hate what you've become but I do not hate you.

 

Im gonna just have to keep ignoring and pushing forward with NC.

 

I feel like people get overwhelmed with the new found freedoms and responsibilities post-college graduation and regress back to a "Freshman" mentality of just wanting to have fun and no commitments. I have been observing friends and friends of friends and it seems to be true. I feel like people are generally very immature, and I don't like it at all. I hate hook up culture, and would much rather have a fulfilling relationship with someone.

 

I feel that this is true for my ex as well. She got overwhelmed, scared, and rather than work on it bailed, taking the easy route and delay taking on major commitments post college.

 

Culminating in GIGS/Immaturity. Guess I'm the right guy at the wrong time.

[Never Again]

Guess I'm the right guy at the wrong time.

 

I felt similar about my situation. Welcome to the fold.

 

Funny thing about time, that wibbly-wobbly ball of stuff. It might heal all, but every hour wounds (and the last one kills). It separates great couples and puts sh*tty couples together to begin with.

 

All you can do is move forward. I'm sorry you had to go though such a horrible thing.

[Armyguy123]

I need some words of encouragement for NC. I'm still pretty affected by the loss. I wrote a pretty neutral letter I'm thinking about sending. Its really sweet and talks about my successes. I'm sure shell love it and like it, But end up saying something like "I really liked your letter, but I'm sorry I don't want a relationship right now. I still care about you and want to hang out with but I just can't be in a relationship." I'm almost 90% sure that'll happen. I'm ignoring her and her last text says do you hate me? Why does she even care. Is it guilt or legitimately caringm she still wants to have sex and is attracted me. I'm sooo confused.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I need some words of encouragement for NC. I'm still pretty affected by the loss. I wrote a pretty neutral letter I'm thinking about sending. Its really sweet and talks about my successes. I'm sure shell love it and like it, But end up saying something like "I really liked your letter, but I'm sorry I don't want a relationship right now. I still care about you and want to hang out with but I just can't be in a relationship." I'm almost 90% sure that'll happen. I'm ignoring her and her last text says do you hate me? Why does she even care. Is it guilt or legitimately caringm she still wants to have sex and is attracted me. I'm sooo confused.

 

Follow that feeling of not sending it.Sending letters are the WORST thing to do after a BU.

 

You are right she is releiving guilt.

 

You have a level head (more or less) about this. Keep moving forward.

[Never Again]

I need some words of encouragement for NC. I'm still pretty affected by the loss. I wrote a pretty neutral letter I'm thinking about sending. Its really sweet and talks about my successes. I'm sure shell love it and like it, But end up saying something like "I really liked your letter, but I'm sorry I don't want a relationship right now. I still care about you and want to hang out with but I just can't be in a relationship." I'm almost 90% sure that'll happen. I'm ignoring her and her last text says do you hate me? Why does she even care. Is it guilt or legitimately caringm she still wants to have sex and is attracted me. I'm sooo confused.

 

She wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

My ex was guilty of the similar things - but was respectful enough to admit it and not act on it. She had sex with me two days before the break up, even wanted to continue afterwards. It's the weird case of someone who was still attracted to you but thinks that there is something different, more exciting or more compatible for them out there. It's a classic case of someone not knowing themselves and not knowing what they want.

 

Nothing you put in that letter will have any effect positively towards you. Her response, or lack thereof, will only set you back.

 

If it helps, share a short experience of mine:

 

I had a very stressful interaction with my ex just as I was getting to the point of letting go. It confused me and set me back, so I chose to write a letter where I told her that I had accepted everything that happened, apologized for any way that I may have hurt her, and told her that I would always think positively of her. It was more of a mature goodbye than anything else.

 

She immediately contacted me on receiving it, thanking me up and down. The next time I saw her she got a little too cuddly, and then thanked me again for the letter before we parted ways.

 

You know what the letter did for me? Nothing positive from what I can see. Nothing negative either I guess, but it was a lot of effort for no real reason or result. It made me feel better and gave me momentary closure, but was that really worth it?

[Armyguy123]

So today was a very bad day. Haven't had one in a while. I started crying, almost threw up. I'm losing sleep, getting irritable, losing interest in almost everything. I have no energy for literally anything. I am haunted by dreams of her, last night I was introduced to her "new boyfriend" in my dream (nightmare). Although that hasn't happened yet, thankfully, it was beyond terrible. I'm very scared I'm going to be dealing with this for a very long time. I'm afraid life is going to look very black and white for a while. No women should have this power over me.

 

I feel like I am dying, from the physical pain and torment I am going through. Sorry to be a little over dramatic with respect to those who are actually dying.

 

Losing the woman I loved unconditionally and still do is taking its toll on me. I'm tearing up again typing this.

[ponchsox]

So today was a very bad day. Haven't had one in a while. I started crying, almost threw up. I'm losing sleep, getting irritable, losing interest in almost everything. I have no energy for literally anything. I am haunted by dreams of her, last night I was introduced to her "new boyfriend" in my dream (nightmare). Although that hasn't happened yet, thankfully, it was beyond terrible. I'm very scared I'm going to be dealing with this for a very long time. I'm afraid life is going to look very black and white for a while. No women should have this power over me.

 

I feel like I am dying, from the physical pain and torment I am going through. Sorry to be a little over dramatic with respect to those who are actually dying.

 

Losing the woman I loved unconditionally and still do is taking its toll on me. I'm tearing up again typing this.

 

I feel your pain, man. I thought I was doing great for a week but had a horrible day today. I woke up this morning after dreaming about her that she was happy to see me and we were in love again. I have a hard time finding interest in work or anything. Working out is about the only thing that makes me feel worth a damn. I am a tough person but I've never felt pain like I did losing the woman I love.

[Never Again]

Losing the woman I loved unconditionally and still do is taking its toll on me. I'm tearing up again typing this.

 

We've all been there at some point.

 

Love is an addiction, quite literally. You're going through withdrawals.

 

It took me several months to improve, and I still haven't shaken it entirely.

 

You'll get there. The more you remain disconnected, the better you'll be.

[BC1980]

So today was a very bad day. Haven't had one in a while. I started crying, almost threw up. I'm losing sleep, getting irritable, losing interest in almost everything. I have no energy for literally anything. I am haunted by dreams of her, last night I was introduced to her "new boyfriend" in my dream (nightmare). Although that hasn't happened yet, thankfully, it was beyond terrible. I'm very scared I'm going to be dealing with this for a very long time. I'm afraid life is going to look very black and white for a while. No women should have this power over me.

 

I feel like I am dying, from the physical pain and torment I am going through. Sorry to be a little over dramatic with respect to those who are actually dying.

 

Losing the woman I loved unconditionally and still do is taking its toll on me. I'm tearing up again typing this.

 

I was doing so great for the past few months. Then, I just degenerated into a mess this past week. I was anxious, couldn't sleep, felt depressed. It was surreal and felt awful. We are going through grief. I really thought I could handle this like it was no big deal. But it really is a grief process. OP, it's okay if you need to seek counseling. It's not weak. It's being proactive, and I really think you need to talk to someone.

[Armyguy123]

Well I screwed up and talked to one of our mutual friends and asked if my ex ever talked about me. I'm sure shell tell my ex and ill get a nasty text or message about not talking to our friens about her. I hate acting out of desperation. Makes me look weak. I got even more upset bc I found out our friend dumped my friend who she was dating for a new guy. I have a hard time trusting women now and think that they are more cocerned about attention from men and feeling pretty. Once they suck it all out of ya they move on to the next one.....