Got dumped out of the blue, do I stand a chance to get her back? [update]

[Simon Phoenix]

Asked a girl out for coffee today. Got completely ignored. Not even a, no thanks but asking......Going out for a smoke.

 

Not hurt or offended but, straight ignoring. women come on step up your game. if you say chivalry is dead you gotta cut this straight ignoring crap. its what my ex did too.

 

Probably a bit early to be asking girls for coffee. You're still a bit raw from everything with your ex, which is understandable. I'd say going out to hang out with some of the guys in your unit or on your base for some bro time is what you need right now. You'll be OK, it will just take time.

[Armyguy123]

Probably a bit early to be asking girls for coffee. You're still a bit raw from everything with your ex, which is understandable. I'd say going out to hang out with some of the guys in your unit or on your base for some bro time is what you need right now. You'll be OK, it will just take time.

 

My unit is near her house in south east virginia I go down there once a month for training, I don't leave the base in fear of seeing her. Other than that I live outside DC in northern VA and work in An important building in DC and i knoe i wont see her there.

 

It was me just friendly asking this girl out to coffee I don't even want to date I'm just lonely as hell. Not gonna let it bother me. I prob came off as creepy anyway and now I'm embarassed haha. Oh well at least ill be over this one in like a day.

[Armyguy123]

As an officer you don't hang out with guys in your unit. ITs considered fratinization and its frowned upon and you can also get in trouble for it. Its tp maintain professionalism and maintain thr seperation between officers and enlisted.

 

I find myself thinking about her less, but god d*mn I still miss her a lot. I'm sure she misses me too but it doesn't mean she still wants to be with me. So I have to stay strong with no contact to get over her.

 

And also I bet people are not as frank about this as I am. But I haven't been with a woman since the one mistake I made with a girl 3 months ago and the one time i saw my ex post breakup. Mannnn I want to be with a woman but I kust don't have the character to just hook up outside of a meaningful relationship.

 

Summary: little angry, little lonely, little sad, sexually frustrated.

[organizedchaos]

As an officer you don't hang out with guys in your unit. ITs considered fratinization and its frowned upon and you can also get in trouble for it. Its tp maintain professionalism and maintain thr seperation between officers and enlisted.

 

I find myself thinking about her less, but god d*mn I still miss her a lot. I'm sure she misses me too but it doesn't mean she still wants to be with me. So I have to stay strong with no contact to get over her.

 

And also I bet people are not as frank about this as I am. But I haven't been with a woman since the one mistake I made with a girl 3 months ago and the one time i saw my ex post breakup. Mannnn I want to be with a woman but I kust don't have the character to just hook up outside of a meaningful relationship.

 

Summary: little angry, little lonely, little sad, sexually frustrated.

 

And you're positive the girl you asked out for coffee was unable to pick up on any of that?

[Simon Phoenix]

As an officer you don't hang out with guys in your unit. ITs considered fratinization and its frowned upon and you can also get in trouble for it. Its tp maintain professionalism and maintain thr seperation between officers and enlisted.

 

I find myself thinking about her less, but god d*mn I still miss her a lot. I'm sure she misses me too but it doesn't mean she still wants to be with me. So I have to stay strong with no contact to get over her.

 

And also I bet people are not as frank about this as I am. But I haven't been with a woman since the one mistake I made with a girl 3 months ago and the one time i saw my ex post breakup. Mannnn I want to be with a woman but I kust don't have the character to just hook up outside of a meaningful relationship.

 

Summary: little angry, little lonely, little sad, sexually frustrated.

 

Hang out with other officers then, or just hang out with whatever friends you have outside the military (I'm sure there has to be a few). Do you like sports? Maybe go to a gamewatch of your favorite team and meet some people there. Or maybe join an intramural team or whatever (if you are allowed). You have to be active in finding things to occupy your time. And yes, the woman you asked out for coffee probably picked up on everything (or some of the things) you mentioned in your summary.

[mutualove]

As an officer you don't hang out with guys in your unit. ITs considered fratinization and its frowned upon and you can also get in trouble for it. Its tp maintain professionalism and maintain thr seperation between officers and enlisted.

 

I find myself thinking about her less, but god d*mn I still miss her a lot. I'm sure she misses me too but it doesn't mean she still wants to be with me. So I have to stay strong with no contact to get over her.

 

And also I bet people are not as frank about this as I am. But I haven't been with a woman since the one mistake I made with a girl 3 months ago and the one time i saw my ex post breakup. Mannnn I want to be with a woman but I kust don't have the character to just hook up outside of a meaningful relationship.

 

Summary: little angry, little lonely, little sad, sexually frustrated.

 

Yeah where are they when YOU need THEM? haha I know how that feels I'm kind of in the same boat and like you I just can't bring myself to a random hook up outside of a relationship but I find it to be a good thing because it's for ME so there you have it you happy now??

But it's the lonely part that eats you alive it's just damn good to have somebody who's there for you and gets you.I've been there for fairly a lot of people but when it got my turn...

[Armyguy123]

I litterally don't care that she basically declined I prob not in a comfortable place to do that yet anyway and would probably politely change my mind if she agreed.

 

I went out for cigars bc I knew ex wouldnt be there with another LT.

 

I have tons of friends, from fraternity, army, and reg friend, probably about 10 times as my ex.

 

Im just lonely from that lack of intimate close connection and communication I had with my ex.

 

I'm just in a spot of bleeegghhh and I'm makinf progress, but I miss her a lot I'm I'm going to keep up my NC since her cancelling our date amd planned reconciliation. I have no choice. I don't think this relationship can be saved bc of the damage she's done to it and me.

 

That realization is what has me down.

[Armyguy123]

funny thing. Girl said she was busy for last two days and said she would love to go out with me.

 

Its a good confidence boost and I will definitely keep things slowwwwww..

[Armyguy123]

Was doing great and keeping busy yesterday. Recently today I really started missing my ex. I haven't had any contact in 3 weeks, And still do not have any desire to. I just miss my old girl and what i used to have. I used to be so happy, Im just coming to grasp with the reality that it will never be the same and its hurting really bad.

 

Just got to keep moving. I find the more tired and less sleep I get exasberate my symptoms. I got about 4 hours of sleep.

[hurts2death]

fight you an armyguy right? so easy then gor you. ...

 

i am getting better as well. be prepared for relapses but be ready do not give in. keep going. you a man in army .

[Armyguy123]

I have three girls trying to talk to me, and all I can think about is my ex.

 

She taught me how to love unconditionally, but I want to be loved unconditionally. I don't think I'd be on this site if I didn't lose a girl I loved so much.....but I'm still doing ok.

[Armyguy123]

Relapsing really bad......the start of the weekends where i have nothing planned suck. I'm sick of feeling this way...I'm getting more angry at her lately...a feeling of anger basically "are you fricking kidding me, everything I did and we did doesn't even matter to you...you really think you're gonna find better?, you really just want to never see or talk to the most important person to you for the last two and a half years"

 

I don't want to be mad, angry, sad, anymore...its too draining and dumb. My head says dude move on amd my heart is being stupid and still clinging to memories and feelings of her, i can barely even picture what she looks like or sounds like in person. Guess I just need more time.

 

Time for more anti anxiety drugs.

 

Damn this all to hell.

[radiodarcy]

Relapsing really bad......the start of the weekends where i have nothing planned suck. I'm sick of feeling this way...I'm getting more angry at her lately...a feeling of anger basically "are you fricking kidding me, everything I did and we did doesn't even matter to you...you really think you're gonna find better?, you really just want to never see or talk to the most important person to you for the last two and a half years"

 

I don't want to be mad, angry, sad, anymore...its too draining and dumb. My head says dude move on amd my heart is being stupid and still clinging to memories and feelings of her, i can barely even picture what she looks like or sounds like in person. Guess I just need more time.

 

Time for more anti anxiety drugs.

 

Damn this all to hell.

 

I can relate to the frustration of facing the weekends during this time. I had time off yesterday and today - - time I had set aside in the hopes that it would be with him. Instead I spent it getting two cavities filled and my eyes dilated and the optometrist :/

 

But getting out of the apartment for a few hours definitely helped. I get that your not ready to date (and it does't sound like you have any problems in that departments).

 

But maybe you could at least try to segment your time so your not thinking about her as much? LIke take some time to just get out, take a run, go on an errand, anything. And then when you get home, take that time to feel the pain and loss.

 

That way you're not completely overwhelmed by despair and you are - - in a sense controlling the break up instead of allowing it to control you.

[Armyguy123]

Weekends are the only times I'm not busy and I have to book them or they're the worst. As a soldier I can take all that tough physical stuff no sweat, this is just a deeper emotional wound that is just not healing. The added streaa of the military exaggerates my anxiousness and I'm sorry none of you get it unless you are or have been in the military. A significant other or spouse is your biggest source of strength in the military and now thatbita gone i have to dig even deeper to get through thebtough sh*t espeacially with the stress that comes with being a new officer where none of my men respect me but only respect my rank.

[Armyguy123]

Mate, are you getting any counselling?

 

yes. it is helping, I'm also on anti-anxiety medication which I don't necessarily enjoy because I am a very lively and sociable person. Type-A extrovert.

 

I posted earlier during an episode of anxiety on my phone, Im doing better now and looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow after a long week.

 

Appreciating the small things more.

 

Just caught up on some Netflix and earlier tonight and got surprise tickets to a NHL game i went to earlier, and sat 2 rows in front of Wayne Gretzky in his press box. Definitely helps but my struggles will probably continue.

 

I find I struggle at 3 points mainly

 

1. Mornings, where I don't sleep well or dream of her

2. Start of weekends without plans

3. When I feel the need to share exciting news and instantly think to share it with her.

 

Other than that I am able to function quite normally and the thoughts are not 100% on her all the time anymore and the anxiety attacks are more spaced apart.

 

The thing that is killing me the most on the inside is the lack of control in the situation since it wasn't my choice, but I know I can't force someone to love me and I think there is too much pain and damage at this point for anything to work and I need to fully grieve and get over this for the betterment of myself and my career as an officer.

 

I take pride in the fact that I know I will be 10 times stronger after In get through this and look back to it as a valuable lesson to making me a stronger individual.

 

Have a good weekend everybody. I'm glad I get one this week last week I was in choppers all week (exhilarating but stressful)

[HorseLuck]

Glad you're making progress and are being mindful of what causes triggers. Anxiety is no laughing matter. I've dealt with that sh*t for years. Judging by your posts, you're a real source of encouragement and inspiration. Hang in there. *virtual hug*

Edited November 23, 2013 by HorseLuck

[Armyguy123]

Woke up today with the worst nightmare I've had yet.guess I was really tired and my subconscious was showing me the pain I'm going through.

[Armyguy123]

I think the holiday season is going to be tough. I have a lot of memories tied to Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, then shortly into January my Birthday......I think each one will not be as fun this year....

 

I truly feel for everyone going through this as well.

[hurts2death]

i have the exact same worry the holiday spirit will scratch our hearts for sure.

 

i try to think of it as sth new. and i have to make it better,

 

take care.

-John

[Armyguy123]

People are starting to say I am looking a lot better and that I don't bring it up as much. So I guess I am making improvements. I have a lot to talk about other than her; I am an Army Pilot and have a cool job in DC that connects me to a major part of the US Government, until I leave for flight school. I don't want to disclose what it is though however. Landing that job has definitely helped a lot in terms of building my self confidence.

 

I am actively talking to 5 girls. By no means do I want a relationship right now but it is a good confidence booster. Don't worry ladies I am an officer and a gentleman I will politely turn down girls if they are interested in a relationship, and not use them for sex. I have never done that and never will, have had many opportunities to do so. I feel that once I do that I will lose my integrity. I'm too nice, seems to be a problem sometimes haha.

 

I still think about my ex but I was able to go for about a whole 5 hours without thinking about it once which I think was a record. When I remembered I was like "WOW, I didn't think about her at all...." another small victory. I still miss her dearly and wish things didn't have to end but after what she did to me and the time apart now I don't think the relationship could be repaired unless she drove and showed up at my doorstep crying in the rain. I just can't trust her and have to accept the girl I knew and loved is gone.

 

As stated earlier my course of action is as follows;

1. Press forward with No Contact. It sucks but it and time my only ally in this fight.

2. Be happy on my own, regain confidence.

3. Slowly Get Over ex, fall out of love with her

4. Overcome Setbacks

5. Repeat 1-4, realizing that this is not going to be a short battle.

6. Replace her with an upgrade; looks, personality, goals, mutual respect.

 

I like to think of this forum as a journal and it is becoming therapeutic and helpful during tough times.

[Armyguy123]

Today was tough as I mentally realized the permenance of the change and all my hope is dead. Just got to keep going forward. Ive had no experience with any loss in my life so its been really hard for me to learn How to cope. Luckily in my life I haven't had any deaths in my family or any bad breakups and I feel guilty BC other people go through so much worse. I guess this is a hard life lesson for me. I think I'm in the anger stage BC I am not sad anymore just constantly angry and mad at things and at her, I've made it almost a month NC since she started things then just to cut me off.

 

Hope everyone is making progress. I like to post now to gauge my progress and keep a journal of it.

[Armyguy123]

Today I came home and screamed some expletives and punched a hole in my wall. All of the bad memories of her and bad things she did are flooding my mind and I just feel rage at everything.

[Armyguy123]

The more I continue NC the less I care about what my ex is up to or think about her. But I still have dreams/nightmares and briefs moments of weakness.

 

I've been talking to a girl pretty much non stop who I am attracted to and she is attracted to me.

 

We'll see how this goes. It's been 3 months so I think its appropriate to start looking for a new girl. Although I'm still not over my ex. The reality of the situation has sunk in and it doesn't look like she is coming back anytime soon, nor do I want her to.

 

I just want to be able give this girl my full attention and not be distracted by my ex.

[BC1980]

The finality of it hit me more than once too. It seems like you sometimes have a grasp of reality, but something will set you back. The holidays are times like that because you are forced to relive memories of past holidays, and you know it will be different forever. It's overwhelming at times, but take each day as it comes.

 

Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint I have found. I wish it were so simple, but it gets a lot better. I went through grief in its entirety, but I have recently found acceptance after 7 months. NC helped so much because it forced me to accept that it was over. I broke it once, and he hadn't changed at all. I don't advocate breaking NC, but that conversation actually pushed me through to the other side.

 

It's really peaceful once you find that acceptance, but I had some absolutely awful times until then. I'm so sorry you are hurting, but know that you are not alone.

[Armyguy123]

This girl seems to be some kind of reward for good karma. She is more like a girl I am attracted too than my ex. I think I just had intense feelings for my ex. This girl is really into me and it seems like things could work out, but I have to slow things down a lot unfortunately because I am leaving for flight school in March. thanks Army......

 

Still holding strong with NC and do not even care what my ex is doing... I'm too mad at her. Hopefully this trend continues to the point where I just don't feel anything for my ex.