Got dumped out of the blue, do I stand a chance to get her back? [update]

[OCFlorida]

I really felt compelled to reply to your thread for multiple reasons. The main reason being the fact I experienced a very similar (out of the blue) breakup a week ago. I treated my girlfriend impeccably and did absolutely everything for her, but similar to you, she pushed me away. I wrote up a thread recently in regards to what she said to me and what it made me realize, feel free to check it out.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/438911-your-own-happiness

 

Now here's the other reason I was compelled to reply (not deviating from your original post). After our break-up, and still now, the emotions hit me in waves, so I've been doing my best to keep busy. Back when I was 15, I had begun flight training and unfortunately had gotten up in high school and finished my flight training 1 cross country and checkride short of my PPL (currently 150 hours). I graduated from the 5th high school in the country in terms of academics and was set on attending the USAF academy and becoming a fighter pilot. Unfortunately, due to unforseen circumstances, I was unable to join (family issues). I decided to join a regular university in Florida. Since the breakup (if you read the thread above it'll make sense), I've decided to re-evaluate my happiness. I created my own businesses online and am doing well through those, and I've never believed in school. To make a long story short, I'm once again back on track to pursue my dream and I've recently re-enrolled myself to continue flying to get my commercial license/business degree on the side in order to eventually create a jet brokering company.

 

What I'm trying to say in a flying metaphor is this, no matter how tough it may be, and believe me this is from a pilot to pilot standpoint, just because you have a rough landing doesn't mean you'll never have another good one. Even if it takes a while for you to realize that your landing wasn't very good and you could have done better, you'll always bounce back up and have plenty more landings. Even if some relationships change your life (mine sure did), sometimes things happen just so you can realize that you need to re-evaluate certain other aspects of your life.

 

 

Feel free to contact me if you ever feel the need to talk as I think we're on the same page as far as relationships, and flying

 

 

 

O.

[Armyguy123]

Thanks for the support I don't think this new found news has fully set in yet and there is going to be a lot of pain to follow. I was making so much progress and she erased it all during these last two weeks.

 

She lead me on, says she feels terrible for doing so and knows its all her fault. That's why I think she ran away too. When the time came for her to show me she was serious I think she had no idea what she wanted to do and had no plan and it freaked her out.

 

I'm afraid of developing trust issues now with people bc of how many times she abused it. EVery time I thought I could trust her at every turn she abused it. I wish I never fell for this one and stayed strong. She tried soooo hard to get me back these last two weeks. Saying she was up for the challenge and willing to show me she wants this to work. I bought into it so bad after days of hesitating.

 

I'm so sick of being unhappy, sad, depressed, and lonely. I don't need this added stress in my life right now.

 

I don't even think I could take her back if she ever changes her mind. Shes done damage far beyond repair. She broke it now she has to live with the guilt of hurting me, I know for a fact she feels awful.

 

I feel physically ill and want nothing more than to feel like my old self. For these last two weeks I was legitimately in a better mode. SCREW HER FOR DOING THIS TO ME!

[OCFlorida]

Thanks for the support I don't think this new found news has fully set in yet and there is going to be a lot of pain to follow. I was making so much progress and she erased it all during these last two weeks.

 

She lead me on, says she feels terrible for doing so and knows its all her fault. That's why I think she ran away too. When the time came for her to show me she was serious I think she had no idea what she wanted to do and had no plan and it freaked her out.

 

I'm afraid of developing trust issues now with people bc of how many times she abused it. EVery time I thought I could trust her at every turn she abused it. I wish I never fell for this one and stayed strong. She tried soooo hard to get me back these last two weeks. Saying she was up for the challenge and willing to show me she wants this to work. I bought into it so bad after days of hesitating.

 

I'm so sick of being unhappy, sad, depressed, and lonely. I don't need this added stress in my life right now.

 

I don't even think I could take her back if she ever changes her mind. Shes done damage far beyond repair. She broke it now she has to live with the guilt of hurting me, I know for a fact she feels awful.

 

I feel physically ill and want nothing more than to feel like my old self. For these last two weeks I was legitimately in a better mode. SCREW HER FOR DOING THIS TO ME!

 

It's honestly scary how similar you sound to me and how I'm dealing with this and the emotions you're feeling. No matter how hard it is to admit and listen to, but everyone who knew us told me that she truly messed up big time because I was ready to give her the world, and they don't understand why she'd ever do that. Sometimes you have to accept the fact they're too immature for a relationship and you have to grow past it. Wise words from all my friends are, do you really want a girl back if she's this indecisive? I'm not asking you for a short answer, because honestly I'd probably say yes just because of the spur of the moment. But take a long time to think about it and truly let it sink in, and then reconsider your choice.

 

 

O.

[Armyguy123]

Im having a hard time literally wanting to do anything but nothing.

 

I HATE IT! I WANT TO GET OFF MY ASS AND MOVE ON!

 

I WANT TO BEAT THIS! IT HAS BEEN TORMENTING ME FOR FAR TOO LONG! ITS ALMOST BEEN 3 MONTHS THIS NEEDS TO END!

 

going to try to seek therapy and possible introduction of anti anxieties. I need to fight back.

 

Deleted her number, new pictures she sent, blocked her number and on FB. I need to move on. I have no choice in the matter.

 

The sad thing is that she is the kind of person who could try coming back again and again.

 

This is a little cheesey but this is my goal and place I want to be.

[BC1980]

Im having a hard time literally wanting to do anything but nothing.

 

I HATE IT! I WANT TO GET OFF MY ASS AND MOVE ON!

 

I WANT TO BEAT THIS! IT HAS BEEN TORMENTING ME FOR FAR TOO LONG! ITS ALMOST BEEN 3 MONTHS THIS NEEDS TO END!

 

going to try to seek therapy and possible introduction of anti anxieties. I need to fight back.

 

Deleted her number, new pictures she sent, blocked her number and on FB. I need to move on. I have no choice in the matter.

 

The sad thing is that she is the kind of person who could try coming back again and again.

 

This is a little cheesey but this is my goal and place I want to be.

 

I wish it would just go away for me too. I'm at nearly 7 months, and I still get sad more than I'd like. It's so much better, but I keep wondering when I will get back to the happy, positive person I was. I feel like I lost that person, and it angers me. I actually have come to the conclusion that the old me won't be back, but I can become a better me.

 

I was talking to a friend that I recently reconnected with. She had a break-up that was eerily similar to mine, and she was saying that while she would not wish that on anyone, it has made her so much more thankful for what she does have. It has given her a different depth of experience to draw from.

 

Try to find the silver lining. It's there somewhere.

[Fufu]

Finished reading the pages, I do feel for you.

 

To me, it was obvious she was just playing your feelings. Find a woman a real one who does not hesitate in relationship and doesn't play this kind of stupid mind games with you.

 

If she ever contacts you again, you should know what to do anymore. Doesn't matter even she is super attractive, because her character is totally questionable.

[Armyguy123]

It was probably too soon to even consider reconciling anyways as both of us have not fully healed as her previous issues resurfaced. She definitely needs to work on them herself, and not just say she is but actually do it. By the time I think shes mature enough for a relationship with me again. I feel I would have long moved on and she would have probably met someone else while I was at flgiht school.......LIFE!

 

Just hated being mislead by her promises to change than when it came time to put her money where her mouth was she bailed.

 

I think shes a commitment phobe with many underlying issues that she doesn't even realize she has.

[Armyguy123]

Have an appointment with a Psychiatrist to try to get some anti-anxieties and later this week with a therapist to try to talk out my problems.

 

This new development in my outgoing struggle to get over her has made me regress quite far and now I break down regularly. I just can't come to grips of her coming back and leaving so fast, I'm left heartbroken again.

[Fufu]

Have an appointment with a Psychiatrist to try to get some anti-anxieties and later this week with a therapist to try to talk out my problems.

 

This new development in my outgoing struggle to get over her has made me regress quite far and now I break down regularly. I just can't come to grips of her coming back and leaving so fast, I'm left heartbroken again.

 

You will recover, believe this. And I really think it's good you are finding ways to help yourself.

[Armyguy123]

Well out of no where a good looking Sorority girl who also graduated I knew while I went to school asked me out for drinks and then 45 minutes later a very in shape and attractive volleyball player asked me out for the following weekend. Definite confidence and ego boost I needed to get through the rest of the day.

 

I know my pain will remain in the back of my mind and it will get hard again before it gets easier but atleast this is a small victory I can look to, to get through the day.

[Armyguy123]

Well at the end of the day I had an extreme fit of rage where I almost broke something. I forced myself into the shower and took some of my anti anxiety medication.

 

I feel better now, I guess I'm just now feeling the true effects of her recent betrayal of my trust. Good thing is is that I have zero interest in talking to her right now. I have my monthly Army training this weekend and our date was planned that night. I wouldn't even doubt if she tries to go back on her word of not wanting to see me in order to see me. But I'm not counting on it. I'm in hardcore 100% No Contact now for what she did. Blocked her number and facebook. She'll have to go way out of her way to earn my trust back and to even get a hold of me. Something I know she'll never do. This way I'm forced to go NC for good and start getting over her.

 

It seems like every step of progress I take she shows up to send me right back. I need to remove her, even if it hurts, bc honestly she is just hurting me more.

[Armyguy123]

The pain and numbness is coming back again. Bracing myself to not lose it tomorrow during our planned date to start reconciling before she bailed. I know no one down at my Army Base so I am going to be very lonely and anxious.

 

I guess like they say, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

Just got home from a long day of work and a long commute out of city heading to the gym to relieve some stress.

 

I hope my ex is being overtaken by guilt for what she just did to me. I hope it haunts her for a long time.

[Simon Phoenix]

The pain and numbness is coming back again. Bracing myself to not lose it tomorrow during our planned date to start reconciling before she bailed. I know no one down at my Army Base so I am going to be very lonely and anxious.

 

I guess like they say, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

Just got home from a long day of work and a long commute out of city heading to the gym to relieve some stress.

 

I hope my ex is being overtaken by guilt for what she just did to me. I hope it haunts her for a long time.

 

Maybe she will be, maybe she won't. That doesn't matter now. What matters is you moving forward for you, you getting yourself back. Focusing on her in any way is just detrimental.

[alex007]

yo army guy I have gone through pretty much what you have gone through and am about a year and 3 months out of it and had some other relationships... If you wanna talk or what not It would be cool, its therapeutic... e-mail me bro... [email protected]

[Armyguy123]

I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm having a hard time feeling anything. I'm still upset at the situation and miss her. But I don't know if I miss the companionship more than I miss her.

 

After a lot of analyzing and further analyzing. I think I've came up with what an accurate account of what reasons she said vs what the real reasons were.

 

What she says:

- Felt like she could walk all over me and had the power.

 

- Shes not good at relationships and always ruins them.

 

- I'm too good for her and deserve someone better.

 

- Ending it now rather than hurt me again.

 

- Afraid of distance when I leave for Army training.

 

Real reason IMO:

- Commitment phobe, anything that involves complicated feelings pushes her away and scares her to where she doesn't know how to handle it.

 

- Has an unrealistic expectation of what she wants in a partner and cannot even meet them herself. Wants Mr. Perfect/Flawless not Mr. Pretty Damn close to Perfect bc no one is.

 

- Unresolved personal issues that she selfishly chooses to ignore rather than to work on.

 

- Insecure about self only wants to feel wanted and not to reciprocate the feeling.

 

- Emotional maturity of an 18 year old in a 24 year old's body. While I have the emotional maturity of a 26 year old in a 22 year old's body due to the military.

 

- Lack of independence, unable to go through life without having hand held through it.

 

- Constantly questioning own impulses and desires and remains unsure.

 

- Afraid that there is someone better out there or missing out.

 

- Not knowing the difference between real intimacy and sexual attraction.

 

- And worst; Narcissistic, selfish, and unable to feel true empathy, acts on own truly selfishly motivated desires, unable to value others views and/or opinions. <-- Everything was always this. Most unattractive trait.

 

The reason she even tried to come back over the last 3 weeks was "I" want to see if things have changed. "I" want to see if "I" can love you again. "I" am trying to fix things, but it is hard for "ME". "I" can't do this anymore. It was almost never a WE.

 

 

 

Realizing all this is a positive step I believe on the road to recovery.

 

I am an officer in the US Army and future helicopter pilot, I currently work in the highest legislative office in the United States where I interact with high level officials and politicians that are regularly seen on the news. I have a lot going for me and I need to cling to that for hope and proof that I was never at fault and can't let this bring me down. It sucks and it sucks some more. I lost my lover, my best friend, and confidant of the last two years, but I'm a soldier and I need to keep moving.

 

I like history a lot and I've been comparing this to WW2. She struck me and started this with the break up albeit "Pearl Harbor", and now its time for me to muster up the courage and go on the offensive and end up winning the war, granted the war won't be won overnight and will take many more days of STRICT NC with good and bad days.

 

She broke the relationship and tried to fix it and when I told her she needed to put in most of the effort to show me should could, she proved she didn't have the ability or willingness to do so.

[Armyguy123]

One week NC. At my the town near my army base praying I don't see her. I'm thinking that I need to let this relationship just die. I still think this girl is still gonna figure out she made a mistake and beg for me back again after more and more no contact amd by then ill be healed its mt goal.

 

My plan:

1. No contact

2. Be happy on my own without her

3. Get over her

4. Replace her

[Armyguy123]

Well I made it back in one piece from my Army training without contacting her once or having the desire to. It was by far the toughest thing I've gone through so far being so close to her, having the expectations of seeing her that night and getting back together crushed, and the stress of being a new army officer at the same time.

 

Made it through a very long weekend and got to do some pretty cool things in Army helicopters that I felt was very therapeutic.

 

I didn't realize people can visibly see my pain. My Captain pulled me aside at the end of the training and asked me whats up and whats going on and that he could see that my mind was elsewhere. I told him I was exhausted and tired and, he said come on man whats really going on. I admitted to him that the area around my base all it does is reopen memories of the last 2 and half years with my ex and its more than tough, especially when I was supposed to start dating her again this weekend. I still wish my base was located elsewhere, bc it will forever hold that association with her. I refused to go out to dinner with some of my fellow officers "saying I was really tired" because of fear of running into her, because it was a place we used to go to, and she still goes sometimes with friends. Seeing her would cause my emotions to go crazy and I didn't want that to happen while in front of my superior officers and peers.

 

At a restaurant I stopped on my way home and a police officer sat down next to me (I was in uniform) and asked how I was doing and said he see that I was pretty stressed out and refused to let me pay for my meal. I tried to refuse it but he paid for it. Then I got back in my Jeep and started driving and broke down crying, because it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me in a while and I felt guilty that I don't deserve this treatment just bc I had a uniform on. The guys that are over in Afghanistan or came back deserve that, NOT ME, those guys come back with so much more stress and problems than what I'm going through, and SOME DON'T COME BACK. I felt so guilty.

 

Summary: in pain but still pushing forward with No Contact, and trying to place things into perspective.

[TylerDurdenn]

Well I made it back in one piece from my Army training without contacting her once or having the desire to. It was by far the toughest thing I've gone through so far being so close to her, having the expectations of seeing her that night and getting back together crushed, and the stress of being a new army officer at the same time.

 

Made it through a very long weekend and got to do some pretty cool things in Army helicopters that I felt was very therapeutic.

 

I didn't realize people can visibly see my pain. My Captain pulled me aside at the end of the training and asked me whats up and whats going on and that he could see that my mind was elsewhere. I told him I was exhausted and tired and, he said come on man whats really going on. I admitted to him that the area around my base all it does is reopen memories of the last 2 and half years with my ex and its more than tough, especially when I was supposed to start dating her again this weekend. I still wish my base was located elsewhere, bc it will forever hold that association with her. I refused to go out to dinner with some of my fellow officers "saying I was really tired" because of fear of running into her, because it was a place we used to go to, and she still goes sometimes with friends. Seeing her would cause my emotions to go crazy and I didn't want that to happen while in front of my superior officers and peers.

 

At a restaurant I stopped on my way home and a police officer sat down next to me (I was in uniform) and asked how I was doing and said he see that I was pretty stressed out and refused to let me pay for my meal. I tried to refuse it but he paid for it. Then I got back in my Jeep and started driving and broke down crying, because it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me in a while and I felt guilty that I don't deserve this treatment just bc I had a uniform on. The guys that are over in Afghanistan or came back deserve that, NOT ME, those guys come back with so much more stress and problems than what I'm going through, and SOME DON'T COME BACK. I felt so guilty.

 

Summary: in pain but still pushing forward with No Contact, and trying to place things into perspective.

 

You are a good man, I hope this pain ends soon for you.

[xUnknown]

I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm having a hard time feeling anything. I'm still upset at the situation and miss her. But I don't know if I miss the companionship more than I miss her.

 

After a lot of analyzing and further analyzing. I think I've came up with what an accurate account of what reasons she said vs what the real reasons were.

 

What she says:

- Felt like she could walk all over me and had the power.

 

- Shes not good at relationships and always ruins them.

 

- I'm too good for her and deserve someone better.

 

- Ending it now rather than hurt me again.

 

- Afraid of distance when I leave for Army training.

 

Real reason IMO:

- Commitment phobe, anything that involves complicated feelings pushes her away and scares her to where she doesn't know how to handle it.

 

- Has an unrealistic expectation of what she wants in a partner and cannot even meet them herself. Wants Mr. Perfect/Flawless not Mr. Pretty Damn close to Perfect bc no one is.

 

- Unresolved personal issues that she selfishly chooses to ignore rather than to work on.

 

- Insecure about self only wants to feel wanted and not to reciprocate the feeling.

 

- Emotional maturity of an 18 year old in a 24 year old's body. While I have the emotional maturity of a 26 year old in a 22 year old's body due to the military.

 

- Lack of independence, unable to go through life without having hand held through it.

 

- Constantly questioning own impulses and desires and remains unsure.

 

- Afraid that there is someone better out there or missing out.

 

- Not knowing the difference between real intimacy and sexual attraction.

 

- And worst; Narcissistic, selfish, and unable to feel true empathy, acts on own truly selfishly motivated desires, unable to value others views and/or opinions. <-- Everything was always this. Most unattractive trait.

 

The reason she even tried to come back over the last 3 weeks was "I" want to see if things have changed. "I" want to see if "I" can love you again. "I" am trying to fix things, but it is hard for "ME". "I" can't do this anymore. It was almost never a WE.

 

 

 

Realizing all this is a positive step I believe on the road to recovery.

 

I am an officer in the US Army and future helicopter pilot, I currently work in the highest legislative office in the United States where I interact with high level officials and politicians that are regularly seen on the news. I have a lot going for me and I need to cling to that for hope and proof that I was never at fault and can't let this bring me down. It sucks and it sucks some more. I lost my lover, my best friend, and confidant of the last two years, but I'm a soldier and I need to keep moving.

 

I like history a lot and I've been comparing this to WW2. She struck me and started this with the break up albeit "Pearl Harbor", and now its time for me to muster up the courage and go on the offensive and end up winning the war, granted the war won't be won overnight and will take many more days of STRICT NC with good and bad days.

 

She broke the relationship and tried to fix it and when I told her she needed to put in most of the effort to show me should could, she proved she didn't have the ability or willingness to do so.

 

Wow man...have you been dating my ex as well?? These are almost the exact same reason (except she didn't give the first two reasons you stated). In either case, your analysis is spot on with my ex.

 

Thanks for your service ArmyGuy. I always make it a habit to buy lunch etc. for a soldier. (I did that one time at a subway out of habit and then realized they were from columbia I think...it didn't occur to me that the flag was different and they were of different ethnicity...hahaha, all well).

 

I hope things start taking a turn for you. I'm in the same spot as you...it sucks man. I know. I read somewhere in a thread today which kind of stuck in my head. We're under the impression that they aren't willing to try, thus, makes us look bad -because they didn't want to. We think, what is it with us...what did we do wrong. We have to look at it from the other side of the coin. Their not wanting to try only makes THEM look bad. Everyone knows the type of guys we are. She isn't trying, so SHE is the one that looks like the fool. We just feel like the fool because we were the ones dumped. Its THEM in fact who look like failures. Who quits like that. Quitters do.

 

That is why I know I'll hear from my ex again. She cares a lot about what people think of her...when she realizes this, she'll want to get back onto my good graces. By that time - I'm gone.

[Armyguy123]

Accidentally stumbled onto a picture of me and her smiling and was one of my favorite memories of her. Just started tearing up again, knowing it represents the past and not the present, and that I will probably never speak to her again. The second I saw it I realized that I still love her.......god d*mnit

[xUnknown]

Accidentally stumbled onto a picture of me and her smiling and was one of my favorite memories of her. Just started tearing up again, knowing it represents the past and not the present, and that I will probably never speak to her again. The second I saw it I realized that I still love her.......god d*mnit

 

Its okay bro. I started doing the same thing...realizing that this is it for us. I too remembered stuff from the past. I just deleted our text thread that was on my phone. I was at the bottom of my list so it has been out of sight out of mind. But, I don't know how it felt...I can't put it into words. But I'm choking up now typing remembering all that we talked about in the past...how many "I love yous" were sent to eachother.

 

Feel free to PM me man. I'm here to chat. Believe me, I check LS more than I check my FB, so you'll get a pretty prompt reply.

 

I think I'm going to go and delete some pictures off facebook of us. Maybe not the ones in "my photos", but the ones I had of us that were my profile pics.

[BC1980]

Accidentally stumbled onto a picture of me and her smiling and was one of my favorite memories of her. Just started tearing up again, knowing it represents the past and not the present, and that I will probably never speak to her again. The second I saw it I realized that I still love her.......god d*mnit

 

Ugh. I boxed up the last of my ex's stuff to be returned. I came across a heart shaped rock. He used to collect these rocks for me on our hikes. I had a box full of them that I left at his house, but this one must have been at my house the entire time. F*cking awful really. It just made me think of all the lost hope.

 

I started crying but quickly stopped myself. I can't give anymore tears to this guy.

[BC1980]

Its okay bro. I started doing the same thing...realizing that this is it for us. I too remembered stuff from the past. I just deleted our text thread that was on my phone. I was at the bottom of my list so it has been out of sight out of mind. But, I don't know how it felt...I can't put it into words. But I'm choking up now typing remembering all that we talked about in the past...how many "I love yous" were sent to eachother.

 

I finally deleted my ex's number. It was a little anti-climactic for me honestly. Probably because I have his number memorized.

[Armyguy123]

Asked a girl out for coffee today. Got completely ignored. Not even a, no thanks but asking......Going out for a smoke.

 

Not hurt or offended but, straight ignoring. women come on step up your game. if you say chivalry is dead you gotta cut this straight ignoring crap. its what my ex did too.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Armyguy123

[Armyguy123]

F*ckkkkkkkkkk!

 

 

that is all. good night everyone.