Reached my Parole date?

[licenseplate]

I married my wife in 1991, a year after meeting her. Beautiful, religious christian girl, daughter of the police captain where I worked. We lived together for a while for a while and began the marriage talk. We had fun, had things in common, good sex etc. I really didn't want to get married, but like a baby, and not wanting to hurt her feelings, I agreed. There was no proposal- she gave me an ultimatum, and I caved. I have paid the price ever since..whenever wed get a wedding invitation Id hear about how I never really proposed; TV shows with weddings etc. She to this day says "I had to force you to marry me".

 

Seven years into our marriage, she had an affair with my best friend at the time, got pregnant, had an abortion, all without me knowing a thing. The guilt finally ate her up and she confessed, our son was about 3 or 4 at the time, and my daughter around 2. The reason for her affair, was that I was not paying enough attention to her etc., which was probably true. I was a relatively new poliuce officer and and all I tought about was my job. I couldn't stand the thought of my kids going through a divorce so I did my best to forgive andf forget and tried to move on.

 

In addition to a multitude of self esteem and "daddy & mommy issues "Issues" my wife had/has panic & anxiety disorder. I began telling myself after the affair, I would wait until the kids were grown and out of the hosue, and then I cold finally "escape".

 

Today 22 years later, my daughter left home for college, leaving my wife and I empty nesters. With the kids gone, we have literally NOTHING in common she hates the TV shows I like, the music, taste in cars, annoyingly picky eater ( I am a foodie and love to tase and try new things- she spits everything out in disgust).

 

For the past 5 years or so sex is a once a month type of thing and when do it, it is boring and routine. Although she still is attractive, she has gained a lot of weight and does no seem to care. She talks about eating right and fitness, buys every book and magazine on fitness, and proceeds to make a batch of brownies. She is financially irresponsible, which causes daily arguments and 1 prior bankruptcy.

 

I, on the other hand, and a fitness and outdoors fanatic because I have the tendency to gain weight if I don't keep it in check.

 

I REALLY want to end it, but and afraid of how the kids will take it, how to do it etc. I don't hate her, really I don't. She takes great care of me, bringing me coffee in bed in the morning, working overtime, cleaning house and lots of other good things, its just that all the small things and past have got me spinning.

 

I am trying to "re-kindle" or "Kindle" but becuase we have nothing in common, it is painfully difficult.

 

I could go on, but I'd like some opinions or feedback first.... please!!

 

Thanks

[Misfortune]

I don't think there are any excuses for affairs; that's just me. People who have affair are weak and afraid to face the consequences of their actions without a safety net, IMO. "He/she never....me so I cheated."<--- -_- if you don't like it, work on fixing it or leave without disrespecting your mate.

 

You haven't been trying to fix anything during those 22 years? I would leave, she didn't care about your feelings when she cheated, it was all about her. Kids are gone, they can handle themselves and they'll survive the divorce. You have do what makes you happy. Better to leave than be dishonest.

[licenseplate]

Not to be a debbie downer, but are you sure that your other kids are actually yours?

positive. no concerns about that.

[licenseplate]

You haven't been trying to fix anything during those 22 years? I would leave, she didn't care about your feelings when she cheated, it was all about her. Kids are gone, they can handle themselves and they'll survive the divorce. You have do what makes you happy. Better to leave than be dishonest.

 

We have been to every marriage counselor in two counties over the years. So many issues....her anxiety and panic is the driving force behind much conflict. i ammreally just having an increasingly hard time dealing with all the incompatinility now with out the "glue" (kids) around anymore...

[Tulsy]

...

Seven years into our marriage, she had an affair with my best friend at the time, got pregnant, had an abortion, all without me knowing a thing. The guilt finally ate her up and she confessed, our son was about 3 or 4 at the time, and my daughter around 2. The reason for her affair, was that I was not paying enough attention to her etc.,

 

.... I began telling myself after the affair, I would wait until the kids were grown and out of the hosue, and then I cold finally "escape".

 

Today 22 years later, ...we have literally NOTHING in common

 

I REALLY want to end it, but and afraid of how the kids will take it,.....

 

She had torrid affair and blamed it on you. Guessing you rug-swept it, and wasted 22 years of your life, and you are STILL afraid to deal with it like you should have years ago.

 

Problems don't go away. You still need to deal with the 22yr old elephant in the room.

[licenseplate]

She had torrid affair and blamed it on you. Guessing you rug-swept it, and wasted 22 years of your life, and you are STILL afraid to deal with it like you should have years ago.

 

Problems don't go away. You still need to deal with the 22yr old elephant in the room.

 

god damn you............your right. If i can find the balls, what do I say, how do I say it? The kids, although technically grown, will assume its my fault. they know mom to be a kind loving angel (which she is).

 

I have always thought bit of "blackmale" may work......tell her "Lets split up as friends and your secret is safe". .......

 

otherwisemthe break up talk with the kids will include how the used to have a sibling......any thoughts on this?

[NXS]

god damn you............your right. If i can find the balls, what do I say, how do I say it? The kids, although technically grown, will assume its my fault. they know mom to be a kind loving angel (which she is).

 

I have always thought bit of "blackmale" may work......tell her "Lets split up as friends and your secret is safe". .......

 

otherwisemthe break up talk with the kids will include how the used to have a sibling......any thoughts on this?

 

How is your relationship with your children?

[Misfortune]

Ummm....if 22 years wasn't enough time to rekindle then I don't think you ever will. I would call it a marriage and go about getting divorced.

 

Idk what's up with people and trying to spare the offender shame. You went about cheating on me, treating me wrong and it's my duty to keep your "good" reputation going? I'm not lying, I'm telling people the truth about my situation. If they ask why we aren't together I say: "She cheated, marriage apparently made her gay -_-, she wants nothing to do with me as if I wronged her and I feel used." I'm not lying or out to slander any1, just speaking the facts. No1 has a problem when it's good things being said. I have to take the good with the bad while you're hurting me, so why can't you take the good/bad when I choose to leave/you leave because of it? If my kids are old enough to understand, I'll tell them too.

[Keenly]

Sometimes divorce is better for kids than the example that you have given them of what a relationship is supposed to be like. .

 

Now your grown kids think one person should be utterly miserable in the marriage, and that's just standard operating procedure. Your kids can tell when you are not happy.

 

 

 

 

By the way, shame on your wife for guilting / pressuring you to marry her, and then having the lack of class to COMPLAIN about it.

 

 

She sounds like a bitch.

[73Fras]

I was also married in 1991 at 18 years old and have been separated for 13 months.

 

People grow apart and you have more than sacrificed for your kids. They are old enough to be told the truth - affair and all. Well maybe keep the abortion part out and just explained that you are not happy and it sounds like your wife is not happy. At this stage in your life, each day is no longer about the kids - it's about you two as a couple - if that concept doesn't make you smile, then the marriage is over and right thing to do is to divorced. It will hurt like hell because change isn't easy and for 22 years, life with each other has been a habit but you both deserve to be happy

 

Good luck

[Mr. Lucky]

Seven years into our marriage, she had an affair with my best friend at the time, got pregnant, had an abortion, all without me knowing a thing. The guilt finally ate her up and she confessed, our son was about 3 or 4 at the time, and my daughter around 2. The reason for her affair, was that I was not paying enough attention to her etc., which was probably true. I was a relatively new poliuce officer and and all I tought about was my job. I couldn't stand the thought of my kids going through a divorce so I did my best to forgive and forget and tried to move on.

Your wife's affair was many years ago and you made the tough decision then to forgive her and stay in the marriage. To now spill the beans years later would be classless, don't stoop to that level.

 

Sounds like you have plenty of reasons connected to your lives today to leave. If you feel you've exhausted every avenue, time to go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[licenseplate]

We got into "The discussion" in bed, last nite at 11:00PM.......We had a pretty heavy talk on Sunday that ended awkwardly, so she decided last nite to get into it. We agreed we got married for all the worng reasons, she acknowledged pressuring me into marriage, she was quick to point to out that I had cheated on her prior to getting married (one was a single incident- guilty; the other I had broken up with her and started dating the other girl very shortly after- she considers this a technicality and still says I cheat.) I bit my tongue and DID NOT bring up HER "Little incident" after we were married, her pregnanacy etc.(Really trying to stay on high road here) She cried, shook her head etc.; she said "This will kill the kids". She asked me point blank "Do you love me?" I stared at her, glanced at the photos of our kids on the dresser, thought of all the issues and difficulty of a divorce and answered "Yes, I love you".............I coulnd't even bring myself to say "But Im not in Love with you".. **** what a bitch I am........Why can't I pull this scab off???? I really want her to come to me, without tears and agree this is the right thing to do, and part as friends.

 

This would be so much easier if she were a drunk or abusive or a sociopath, anything ..... She is a good person we are just not compatible without our kids around as the glue.

 

I guess now I am being incredibly selfish.............I want a wife I can share things tht interest me, do things we both enjoy together etc., but at the same time I don't want to give up the comfortability, conveniences and companionship (albeit strained at times). Is that even possible- have any of you actually found someone after divorcing that was your "perfect match"? If so, does that too become unbearably annoying?

 

She is my last tie to the community I live in, if I leave her, I will have nothing other than my job and a few friends. My family and our kids all live a few hours away.

 

And to top things off, I know that a soon as we split up and she gets over it, she WILL make the changes she refuses to adress now, suddenly become the person I want(ed). Its what she did 23 years ago when I broke up with her and dated the other girl before coming back to her and getting married

 

We are headed to a counselor today for a previously set meeting regarding her anxiety and panic disorder, but this will likely be the new topic of discussion.

[cozycottagelg]

She cried, shook her head etc.; she said "This will kill the kids". She asked me point blank "Do you love me?" I stared at her, glanced at the photos of our kids on the dresser, thought of all the issues and difficulty of a divorce and answered "Yes, I love you".............I coulnd't even bring myself to say "But Im not in Love with you".. **** what a bitch I am........Why can't I pull this scab off???? I really want her to come to me, without tears and agree this is the right thing to do, and part as friends.

 

This would be so much easier if she were a drunk or abusive or a sociopath, anything ..... She is a good person we are just not compatible without our kids around as the glue.

 

I guess now I am being incredibly selfish.............

 

This is me. I try to talk and he doesn't want to hear it. I get 99% of the way there, and then the tears or anger starts and I back down... I need to just make the move but I can't. I'm frozen...

 

My kids are still little... but I know how you are feeling... it SUCKS!

[yessy21]

Im still trying to get over the fact that you waited 22 years and STILL haven't left.

 

Trust me ... you've wasted your life already... stop wasting time.

 

Find someone that excites you. someone who opens that passion inside of you.

 

you should have done what everyone else does... divorce ... custodial agreement. so on so forth.

 

u still have time! hurry!

[JJLA]

You have not wasted 22 years of your life. Being trapped in a Siberian gulag for 22 years would be, but a bad marriage is not that. It sucks, but if nothing else, you have the kids that were the product of that marriage and that is not a waste.

 

You are also not being incredibly selfish. Everyone should be happy in their marriages, and obviously you are not. Staying would be martyring yourself to marital inertia.

[MsOptimist]

My suggestion to you would be to do to individual counseling - both to see how you can work on your own issues (conflict avoidance?) and also to help walk you through how to handle the changes.

 

Through your words I feel like the resentment in you has built up for a long time. Divorce is painful and it hurts - don't expect your wife to come to you in full agreement without tears. She is entitled to her emotions. Divorce is an ugly beast, but it can be best in the end for both people and the kids.

 

If you divorce and she ends up changing in ways that you wanted her to change, then that's the risk you take. Change has to come from within and not for anyone else. Divorce WILL change you both.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess now I am being incredibly selfish............

Your not being selfish but you are being unrealistic if you expect this to happen:

I really want her to come to me, without tears and agree this is the right thing to do, and part as friends.

Nothing good comes without effort...

 

Mr. Lucky

[licenseplate]

How is your relationship with your children?

 

it is great. aside from my internal struggle, our family is perfect. our kids are perfect, responsible, smart etc.. our daughter senses this tension, and she makes sure we both know that it will destroy her if we split up. My son, im sure sees it as well, but he does not say anything. He is a kind and sensitive young man, and i know he will be devastated as well.

 

we are in an argument as i write this. she is on a walk, crying, because she feels my lack of love and emotional connection. she is right too, i am disconnected, because we share nothing in common besides the kids.

 

she just got done begging me to "tell her the truth"....tell her i dont love her anymore ....i ****ing can't do it!!!!!

 

why? im acting like a jerk, hoping she will, thats why.....she knows theres a problem just like i do, but she swears she still loves me.......

 

the only way this could happen is if we split as friends and explained it to them that way. my wife, i fear, will not go easily as,she is extremely insecure and has low self esteem. until it gets to that point, im afraid i am stuck, for the kids, still......

 

i had thought it would be easy once they both moved out, bit it is not so.

 

Son of bitch.

[licenseplate]

I was mid sentence trying to post this follow up " She wants to take a day trip to the jewlers in the bay area to get a new setting for her wedding ring, and I am not excited about the trip, nor was I enthusiastic about selecting a new setting with her"

 

When she walked in right behind me on this website!

 

Ive never closed a browser so fast in my life!!!! My hear is still pounding

[2sunny]

Is there another gal on your mind besides your wife? Be honest.

 

You must also have low self esteem since you stayed with her after her treating you with such disrespect.

 

Whether you stay or leave - the relationship details do not need to be discussed at all with your kids - that's would just hurt everyone involved even more.

 

If you didn't like your wife's behavior back then - it was up to you to discuss it then! Why didn't the issues get resolved all those years ago?

 

Why did you hold onto anger and resentment toward your wife? How could you possibly figure on feeling the love toward her when you've let anger and resentment fester without fixing it?

 

What have you been thinking ALL these years instead of facing this crappy situation?

 

WHY NOW ? Why would you have the need to leave now as opposed to years ago when she didn't repair the damage she CAUSED then?

[licenseplate]

Is there another gal on your mind besides your wife? Be honest.

 

You must also have low self esteem since you stayed with her after her treating you with such disrespect.

 

Whether you stay or leave - the relationship details do not need to be discussed at all with your kids - that's would just hurt everyone involved even more.

 

If you didn't like your wife's behavior back then - it was up to you to discuss it then! Why didn't the issues get resolved all those years ago?

 

Why did you hold onto anger and resentment toward your wife? How could you possibly figure on feeling the love toward her when you've let anger and resentment fester without fixing it?

 

What have you been thinking ALL these years instead of facing this crappy situation?

 

WHY NOW ? Why would you have the need to leave now as opposed to years ago when she didn't repair the damage she CAUSED then?

 

No other specific woman, just constantly seeing and interacting with others i envision being more compatible with.

 

why now and not sooner? I never wanted my kids to be froma "broken home"; i did not wantbto be a failure at marriage, didnt want to be a statistic...i thought i would stick it out until the kids were grown, and it would be easier for them to understand.

 

 

i just feel like im going through the motions until i can muster the courage to end it. i just cant stand the thought of my kids crying and heartbroken, no matter how old they are..

[2sunny]

Can you answer my other questions you avoided answering?

 

Why are you avoiding facing your anger and resentment issues?

 

Have you done any soul searching through this?

 

Why would you hurt your kids by telling them your wife's deficiencies in the M? That's just mean.

[licenseplate]

Can you answer my other questions you avoided answering?

 

Why are you avoiding facing your anger and resentment issues?

 

Im not. We went through all kinds of MC following the "incident", that did not help (Me anyway) I have always been angry and resentful, I just locked it down and waited until the kids were grown. The "incident" just became a topic that was avoided. We live in a small town and I get to see "him" and his wife all the time. Not to mention we recently had to move into a rental house after losingg our home following my job loss. We moved two houses down from the house we lived in when she was sleeping with the guy......a daily reminder.

Have you done any soul searching through this?

 

Absolutlely. That is what drew me to thisboard. My soul says "time to go, you are finally free", the rest of me is avoiding causing the hurt and then dealing with and going trough it.

 

Why would you hurt your kids by telling them your wife's deficiencies in the M? That's just mean.

 

Here is why..........I'm a pretty "edgy" & outgoing guy; my kids know this. My wife is the complete opposite- soft spoken, christian girl, would never harm a fly type. My sister loves to tell this story about me from a family camping trip in our RV------where I jump out of the master BR door wearing a red thong and begin my bestpole dancing/twerk routine (there had been a bit of dinking.....sue me) In the background lying in bed, whith the subtle white auroa of the RV lights surrounding her head much like a halo, covered with a white comforter and a white night shirt is my wife, reading the BIBLE.

 

If I pull the trigger on this.........I WILL forever be the bad guy/one to blame for "mom and dad" splitting up. PERIOD. My fun loving crazy nature will automatically lead to the assumption I cheated and casued the break up; it just will, because no one would EVER beleive she did what she did; including me; I cannot explain the shock and heartbreak when she told me she was pregnant and had gotten an abortion behind my back. Are F'ing kidding me???? Did you just read the above paragraph about the halo and bible???

 

For the record- I have been 100% faithful during our marriage, never kissed another, let alone slept with anyone but her.

 

I only suggested telling the kids about it in order for blame, should there be any thrown about, be placed on the proper shoulders.............

[2sunny]

Since you aren't willing to address the relationship head on and change it - it is on your shoulders.

 

You carry the anger - that's up to you to process and change it. If/since you don't - it's on you if you end the M.

 

Your kids have no business knowing what comes between you two.

 

Shifting blame to her for the anger you carry isn't right. You want to leave? Own it - that is only on you.

 

 

By the way - when you divorce - the anger goes with you - unless you face it and work through it to the other side.

 

Your motives are mean spirited. Yes, divorce - you are showing loving behavior in the M.

 

But stop trying to cause MORE hurt and pain to many by the act of divorcing!

 

And since you view your M as jail time - just divorce with as little pain and hurt caused to others.

Edited September 30, 2013 by 2sunny

[Mr. Lucky]

I only suggested telling the kids about it in order for blame, should there be any thrown about, be placed on the proper shoulders.............

And those shoulders would be on your kids. You relationship with your wife - or lack thereof - is your burden to bear. That you would shift any part of it by involving them in something that isn't any of their business is wrong. Hope you can see that.

 

I divorced my ex-wife with enough real-time details of her infidelty at hand to curl any listener's hair. And yet I've not spoken a discouraging word about her to our son in the ensuing 25 years. She's his Mom and for him to grow up healthy and well-adjusted he needed to see her only that way. The rest in on me...

 

Mr. Lucky