anne1707 Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I only suggested telling the kids about it in order for blame, should there be any thrown about, be placed on the proper shoulders............. Do not do this. Unless you also accept that there is blame on your shoulders too. After all, you let your children believe their parents were happily married for the last 22 years when all you planned to do was leave. They may then feel responsible for the two of you staying together so long. Just as your wife has lied, you have too. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Why can't BOTH of you learn better forms of communicating? Link to post Share on other sites
melissag Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 This sounds tough, but are you being honest with yourself here? Is her decades old affair & pregnancy (and even older marriage ultimatum) the real reason you want to leave, or is it because you are just bored with her, but you are using the old stuff as a way to make yourself feel less guilty for leaving her? You say you have nothing in common - can't you find something in common? Take up a new activity with her. At least try *something*. It just sounds like if you leave, you may well be disappointed and regret it. If you knew that you would never again find love, would you still leave? Is your wife so horrible to be with, or is she just not as good as someone in your imagination? Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 The biggest mistake you made was marrying her when she gave you the ultimatum. When you get forced in to doing something, you very seldom give it your very best. I honestly think that if you don't love her, your not only hurting yourself but her too. Her affair would have been the deal breaker if it was me and I know that others on this forum wouldn't agree with me on that. If your children see that there is tension, they are old enough for you to tell them the truth. Yeah it will hurt them but who wants to come home for a visit when the house is full of tension. But before you tell them, you should tell your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Children choose what they know. So you've modeled a M that is boring, mundane, full of anger and void of passion (from your own words). Expect them to choose the same for their M. It's sad that you didn't DO more years ago to heal your anger at your W. It's sad that you didn't address the issues between you two and grow together a UNION that would be full of life, passion and respect. You made that decision to sweep her cheating under the rug but remain anger and bitter towards her. She did wrong, yes. But avoiding the elephant in the room has it's consequences - and you are living with not being up front and honest with her through the years. To me - seems like a lot of F-ing years wasted on a M that died a long time ago. Now your kids have this as a representation to what M should look like. You've short changed your kids the opportunity to lead by example of what a healthy M can look like. Throwing out your disdain for what your wife did years ago certainly won't help them feel better about you exiting the M and family as they've known it. Any words about how you feel about your W and the M should be between you and your wife ONLY. There is no way for you to walk away without looking selfish. And there's no way to relieve her pain for her. She's a big girl - she will figure it out. After you divorce the best gift you can give your W is to leave her the hell alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author licenseplate Posted October 4, 2013 Author Share Posted October 4, 2013 Thanks to all that replied, it has given me lots to think about and consider, it was truly worthwhile posting here. Thank You. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 Thanks to all that replied, it has given me lots to think about and consider, it was truly worthwhile posting here. Thank You. What is your plan? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 Thanks to all that replied, it has given me lots to think about and consider, it was truly worthwhile posting here. Thank You. What do you plan to change to make it better? Link to post Share on other sites
Author licenseplate Posted November 27, 2013 Author Share Posted November 27, 2013 What is your plan? Haven't been here for a while. My plan? I desparately want out. I have dreams of starting 2014 off on my own, but I am still struggling with the logisitics of it, the finaces of it and most importantly the words to say. My plan...unfortunately there is no plan. I do not hate her, I just don't love her. and I am still too scared to take that step........ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted November 27, 2013 Share Posted November 27, 2013 Have you spent time specifically identifying what you're scared of? It's worth the time doing so, and it's especially worthwhile to recognize that regardless of whatever worst-case scenarios your imagination can craft, you can handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author licenseplate Posted November 28, 2013 Author Share Posted November 28, 2013 Have you spent time specifically identifying what you're scared of? It's worth the time doing so, and it's especially worthwhile to recognize that regardless of whatever worst-case scenarios your imagination can craft, you can handle it. Of course finances is at the top of my list. Also we live in an extremely small town and our offices are almost within site of each other. her grndma just died and left her some $ and we had planned on paying some bills, so now i dont want to look even worse by bailing after paying off debt with her inheritance. ill lose my health insurance, but truth be told she could end up paying me, and although i would need the money & her benefits, i dont want them, i dont want to hurt her any worse than it would anyway, i just want out...... Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Of course finances is at the top of my list. Also we live in an extremely small town and our offices are almost within site of each other. her grndma just died and left her some $ and we had planned on paying some bills, so now i dont want to look even worse by bailing after paying off debt with her inheritance. ill lose my health insurance, but truth be told she could end up paying me, and although i would need the money & her benefits, i dont want them, i dont want to hurt her any worse than it would anyway, i just want out...... Your situation is not an easy one, my friend. But you seem to be at the end of the road here. If you feel you have given your best and it hasn't proven enough, guess it's time to go a different direction. Better to live the remainder of your life uncertain of the future, but happy than live in "comfortable agony" for the rest of your life. May 2014 bring you the Peace you need. Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 No other specific woman, just constantly seeing and interacting with others i envision being more compatible with. One tiny sentence buried under three pages. This spells GIGS to me. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Seven years into our marriage, she had an affair with my best friend at the time, got pregnant, had an abortion, all without me knowing a thing. The guilt finally ate her up and she confessed, our son was about 3 or 4 at the time, and my daughter around 2. The reason for her affair, was that I was not paying enough attention to her etc., which was probably true. I was a relatively new poliuce officer and and all I tought about was my job. I couldn't stand the thought of my kids going through a divorce so I did my best to forgive andf forget and tried to move on. There was you out right there. You should have filed, divorced and been on your way. Why you didn't is beyond me. There was no reason for you to continue. A lot of kids come from a broken home and thrive. It all depends on the parents. If they can act like adults, go their separate ways and be civil around the kids, then children can survive a broken home. I have two kids and they survived. Your only making this worse not only by lying to your wife but yourself. It's not going to get any better so why don't you come clean, end the marriage and you both can get on with your life. And one other thing. If she brings up your slip ups, you don't have to say a word to her. Just look at her in that kind of a look and she'll get the message. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 I hate it when people say "you've wasted your life." Clearly, something was good and comfortable during those years, and you've already mentioned how you would feel alone without her. Always remember, you both gave up your youths to be together and to produce and raise beautiful children. That was not a wasted life. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
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