All men are dogs, right?

[Betterthanthis13]

Perhaps the reason that you are still going back and forth with the OM in your mind, is that your body is still producing love chemicals for him. It takes awhile before your body burns them all off. If you did not use protection, the chances are that they will be all that much more stronger, and every time you think of him, you body jolts your brain with more.

 

.That is why no contact is so very important, should you meet in person you would be right back to page one with your withdrawal symptoms

 

I did not know about love chemicals when I was having trysts with my MW. I was caught of guard how quickly they began to develop an emotional attachment with me.

 

From a convoluted thinking BS perspective: if the WS was somehow all of a sudden magically indifferent towards the AP, that would be fantastic. WS shouldn't need this "no contact" stuff. No contact is for people who are withdrawing from something. My WS isn't withdrawing. My WS just finally came to their senses. Right? I'm different. We are different.

 

Obviously reality does not work that way.

 

More possible terrible BS thinking.Ok- how about if WS is at least angry at the AP? Or angry at the entire opposite sex? Is there anything I can concoct in my mind, and convey to WS, that will make my fantasy that things are normal turn into reality? Like, right now.

 

The answer is no. The only way to solve problems is to work through them. The only way to move past pain is to face it.

 

I am guilty of all these bad BS thoughts and many, many, umm MANY more. It's been said a few times on here that it takes a very special type of person to successfully R- I agree. It must take the patience of a saint (both WS and BS) to get through it for 2-5 years.

 

I can't help with how to accomplish any R- but I can spot convoluted BS thinking when I see it because it takes one to know one.

 

Even IF xbf was the most remorseful, patient dude on the planet and it was in fact true that he had only slept with "one girl one time"... I am not capable of R. It's not in me. Took me well over a year and a horrifying trickly truth Dday # 2 to come to that conclusion. I've had my head buried in the sand for well over a year trying to make a relationship work with a guy based on this type of convoluted thinking. I am like an expert at how to screw up an R from a BS point of view. Not giving xbf a pass or saying it was my fault- but there are two people in a relationship and you only can control one of them.

 

 

Ok that was a lot of words. My point is that I think your H is messing things up here in your R attempt with his "all men are dogs" thing, and he is playing with fire by interacting socially or professionally with AP. 2.50 made a good point about no contact and why it is important for WS. Seems like a BS in R would need to face that unpleasant fact and be supportive of it.

[compulsivedancer]

Perhaps the reason that you are still going back and forth with the OM in your mind, is that your body is still producing love chemicals for him. It takes awhile before your body burns them all off. If you did not use protection, the chances are that they will be all that much more stronger, and every time you think of him, you body jolts your brain with more.

 

That is why no contact is so very important, should you meet in person you would be right back to page one with your withdrawal symptoms

 

I did not know about love chemicals when I was having trysts with my MW. I was caught of guard how quickly they began to develop an emotional attachment with me.

 

It's been 7 months, longer than the actual length of the affair. Shouldn't they be all gone by now?

[carhill]

It's been 7 months, longer than the actual length of the affair. Shouldn't they be all gone by now?

If you had/have any 'unfinished business', and your psychology triggers on that emotionally, it's possible to hang on to substantive memories and feelings for an affair for a long time. Each of us is different in how we process things and how we attach/detach emotionally from other people.

 

Topically, I think we all have a bit of 'dog' in us, men and women both. Each of us acts on that aspect of our personality individually. With some, it 'comes out' more than with others. YMMV.

[compulsivedancer]

If you had/have any 'unfinished business', and your psychology triggers on that emotionally, it's possible to hang on to substantive memories and feelings for an affair for a long time. Each of us is different in how we process things and how we attach/detach emotionally from other people.

 

Topically, I think we all have a bit of 'dog' in us, men and women both. Each of us acts on that aspect of our personality individually. With some, it 'comes out' more than with others. YMMV.

 

So much unfinished business. Please God, just let it end.

 

I agree about the dog part. Sometimes monkey sex is fun and exactly what the doctor ordered. I like the animal side of nature. I'd just like to think that it's a small percentage of life and not half of a guy's (or girl's) existence.

[carhill]

Some people have 'dog' on the mind all the time; some with 'triggers'; some only rarely. For myself, it happened mostly when the big brain wasn't in gear, so rarely. It took conscious effort to bring it to the forefront and crowd out all the other thinking going on. That's one unique personality, probably outlier. In a sense, that style, along with unfinished business, was likely what kept memories of my long prior EA 'on my mind'. It didn't get processed out properly. IMO, going through MC with my exW really helped with the processing part, as well as with understanding the 'dog' part and how it works for myself better. Clarity and acceptance worked for me. Unknown how things will go for you. I only saw the path clearly after walking it.

[road]

From a convoluted thinking BS perspective: if the WS was somehow all of a sudden magically indifferent towards the AP, that would be fantastic. WS shouldn't need this "no contact" stuff. No contact is for people who are withdrawing from something.

 

 

NC is not just for withdrawing from the AP alone. The NC is needed because the WS is addicted to the AP. Their brain will always remember the good feelings and high the brain felt from their AP.

 

This is the most important reason for continued NC because the affair is to likely to start up again.

[2.50 a gallon]

The human brain is a wonderful thing, but there is oh so much that will always be a mystery.

 

I am retired, and am fortunate in that I can still remember my first Christmas at age 7 months, I can remember learning to walk a few months later. But there are times that I can't remember what I ate yesterday.

 

You are correct, with the passage of time, we forget, but each of us is different, and each of us has our own way and timeline of forgetting and letting the past go.

 

For me I got myself busy moving on in life. By getting back into my hobbies and adding tropical fish, and gourmet cooking, I found that these activities, got my mind off of her, first in minutes, and later hours days, weeks and years.

 

As for my Ex, all this happened over 30 years ago. And to this day, I still have nightmares that include her several time a year. It is the same almost every time, there she is, we are in love, followed by crash and burn. And to wake up at the bottom of the roller coaster.

 

It is like we have these bits of memory just floating around in our brain, and long after triggers no longer affect us, they will still come to the surface.

[compulsivedancer]

Before you go through any more of this nonsensical rationalization of why you want to cheat

 

I'm not sure where you get the idea that I WANT to cheat. I don't want to cheat. In fact I wish I could UN-cheat. I wish I could take away all of the pain and hurt that I've caused my husband, and I wish we could go back to the easy, loving relationship we had before. That said, I wish we could do that, but keep the lessons that we learned in all of this, the most important of this being me finally realizing my boundary issues and figuring out what it actually means to be fully committed to someone.

 

I spent yesterday freaking out because there was a moderate possibility that I was going to run into OM today. It didn't happen, but it did make me trigger very hard for most of yesterday (H was also having a hard time yesterday).

 

My struggle since DDay, as far as OM is concerned, centers around trying to get past all the emotions and questions and the wishes for closure without ever contacting him. I was pretty sure I had turned the bend, but yesterday brought it all slamming back to me.

[2.50 a gallon]

SMH

 

I don't recall bragging, just explaining to cd the ways of the OM. You are married, you might use my insight and learn how to protect your wife. I am no longer on the prowl, but I can assure you that others are. Other whose biggest turn on is the woman's wedding rings.

 

Thank you for giving me the title of a "big stud", actually I am a short skinny guy, and never thought of myself that way.

 

Quite simply, I was just a fun loving guy, who women seemed to like to play with and truthfully, I did not need to chase them down, as many of them came knocking on my door, wanting their turn. And, call it bragging if you like, but I must have done something right, as even though they knew there was no love involved, they kept coming back for more.

 

As for myself, I have been totally a one woman man for coming up on two decades. Happily in love for over almost 2 decades. I suspect that your marriage has lasted half that long. I also suspect that with your know it all and judgemental attitude, there is a POSOM out there, who can use your attitude to his advantage, and easily use your love of your life as his conquest.

 

As for my occasional nightmares about my Ex, I don't see the connection. I also have them for a job that I worked at for over a dozen years, a job that payed well, but that I hated.

 

Also, there is also, the occasional pleasant dreams, of other young ladies that I shared my bed with. Being several years retired and soon to reach my 70's, they are more than welcomed.

 

As for my having had raw sex with many women, don't knock it until you've tried it.

[road]

I'm not sure where you get the idea that I WANT to cheat. I don't want to cheat. In fact I wish I could UN-cheat. I wish I could take away all of the pain and hurt that I've caused my husband, and I wish we could go back to the easy, loving relationship we had before. That said, I wish we could do that, but keep the lessons that we learned in all of this, the most important of this being me finally realizing my boundary issues and figuring out what it actually means to be fully committed to someone.

 

I spent yesterday freaking out because there was a moderate possibility that I was going to run into OM today. It didn't happen, but it did make me trigger very hard for most of yesterday (H was also having a hard time yesterday).

 

My struggle since DDay, as far as OM is concerned, centers around trying to get past all the emotions and questions and the wishes for closure without ever contacting him. I was pretty sure I had turned the bend, but yesterday brought it all slamming back to me.

 

 

Why were you worried that NC may be broken yesterday?

[GG2W]

SMH

 

Think of me as the Ghost of the Future.

 

You should heed and listen to the advice of Mr. 2.50. He has been an LS contributor for over 4 years, and you a mere 4 days. As an obvious know it all, as he put it, your marriage is in jeopardy. Maybe not today, or next week, or next month, but it is coming.

 

I will be up front I am a POSOM. I thrive on getting off sexually with married women. Some men like big boobs, bubble butts, or blondes, my thing is wedding rings. That is my high.

 

My biggest high is getting them to give me their Husbands money for letting them give me a simple BJ. And you can be sure I take one of them home or to the hotel we are staying in after every performance. And as he has mentioned in other threads, they go nuts, and gladly perform sexual acts that they refuse their husbands.

 

I am a male erotic dancer, good looking, work out, have the six pack, and have what turns on most women.

 

In the Separation and Divorce section, in almost every case where the husband starts a thread, he posts how he was blindsided to find out his wife wanted out and often how she has already found some one new.

 

You won't be able to claim being blindsided, when you get around to posting there when happens to you.

 

Think of 2.50 as a friend, who is looking out for your future.

[harrybrown]

Have you ever stopped thinking about yourself and about the hurt your husband received from you? Think about your husband having the affair and you dealing with the rejection, the horror, the disrespect! And it is not something in the water in Missouri. Some of us have not cheated on our spouses ever and in the marriage over 35 years.

 

I do know of many honorable people, but I do know some that have cheated. Someone that I know had several affairs at the same time. What made his AP so upset is that he lied to her. Would you believe that someone would cheat on his wife with his married AP would lie about loving her and having four other AP at the same time? He loved them all and only them. She was so upset that she exposed him to all the other players. So now he has moved on to other partners. However, STDs were part of his gifts to his friends. I am sure that your OM was so honorable to cheat with a married lady that he would never lie to you.

 

Find a way to have your husband share with your postings here so he has the full truth. I am sure you do not lie to him anymore.

[waterwoman]

My dog worships the ground I walk on.

 

Well he looks as if he does. Come to think of it he acts like that with most people but most of all with me.... I take him for long walks and runs.

 

And he has had his b*llocks chopped off. Hey, maybe that's a solution?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

CD,

 

You have received a lot of good advice on this thread. From both men and women.

 

Underneath your original question, of are all men dogs...is really...Do you think my AP cared about me? Was I just a conquest or lay?

 

You have had several threads with similar types of comments, and you are right after 7 months it seems that you should be further along.

 

Why do YOU suppose that is?

 

What could the OM say to you that would give you "closure" that could give you the freedom to let it go and move on?

 

I have told you in other reads that I felt you are like a dry drink playing with a glass of bourbon. Maybe not technically in the affair, but as close to it as possible. Almost as if giving it up would be painful.

 

You clearly still hold fond feelings for your AP, you still speak about him in favorable ways. This means to me that you are not TRYING to sever those threads.

 

So, you think it's something else...why do you think you are having trouble moving on?

 

IIWII

[crederer]

Well it sounds like your husband isn't particularly thrilled about your OM, yet you only care in so far as how it effects you. Yah, sounds like men are dogs, for sure.

[Woggle]

Well it sounds like your husband isn't particularly thrilled about your OM, yet you only care in so far as how it effects you. Yah, sounds like men are dogs, for sure.

 

It's funny how somebody who is cheating is asking if all men are dogs.

[jnel921]

Everyone is accountable for their own actions, whether it be a man or a woman...does it make a man a dog or a woman a bitch in heat...no. It is a bad choice. Instead of handling the issues as they arise our WS turn to other people or habits.

 

Not everyone is raised, or has been exposed to this kind of behavior. I believe it is sometimes learnt. I believe when two people are in a relationships and problems arise it may be easier for some to ignore the issue and discuss with someone and liking that attention and care. They mistake this for true love.

 

Of course the OP wants sex. The WS is vulnerable and needs this attention so they jump in.

 

Is this right? Of course not. If everyone can find a way to communicate better and handle the issues as they happen perhaps many of us wouldn't find ourselves here.

 

I have been hurt not once but twice in both my marriages. Do I believe all men are this way? No, because in my lifetime and relationships with other men I never experienced this. We broke up for different reasons.

 

I am raising a man. My advice to him is not to marry young. To screw as many woman necessary to get it out of his system. When he finds that one woman that he wants to share his life, goals and dreams with that she should be the one and only as she will sacrifice herself one day to bear his children and help him to raise their family. This person will deserve all of his love and respect. I told him if he ever felt he could not commit to forever then he shouldn't marry.

 

He knows what his dad did to me. He feels bad that he sees his dad twice a month and that his dad is not in the best situation. I want him to learn from that example. He doesn't know that my current H cheated. He knows that we had a big blowout and decided to stay together. My son loves his stepfather and when he saw me so angry at him he used to tell me mom he loves us and wants to be with us why are you so angry. If he knew the truth I am sure he would be devastated. But I didn't tell my kids as they were not going to influence any decision I made.

 

Going through this is tough. But we have to keep some kind of faith that things will get better and if we ever have other relationships that this will not happen again.

[compulsivedancer]

Why were you worried that NC may be broken yesterday?

 

H had a work event that was a public event. He's been planning and preparing and looking forward to it for weeks. I was planning to be there to cheer him on, take pictures, etc. Friday I looked at the schedule and noticed that OM would be there earlier in the day. I didn't know if he would stick around.

 

H and I were both in a bit of a state Sat. For me, it brought everything rushing back. I didn't expect at all that it would; I really thought that I had moved on. I guess maybe I've moved past it, but it's all still there underneath. H kinda said the same thing about himself. He was pissed that it was all still there clear as day and just as painful.

 

Oddly, Sunday when I looked at the time and realized that OM was done with his part of the event, it all evaporated. Even though I still didn't know for sure I wouldn't see him.

[2.50 a gallon]

cd

 

How are you doing?

[road]

H had a work event that was a public event. He's been planning and preparing and looking forward to it for weeks. I was planning to be there to cheer him on, take pictures, etc. Friday I looked at the schedule and noticed that OM would be there earlier in the day. I didn't know if he would stick around.

 

H and I were both in a bit of a state Sat. For me, it brought everything rushing back. I didn't expect at all that it would; I really thought that I had moved on. I guess maybe I've moved past it, but it's all still there underneath. H kinda said the same thing about himself. He was pissed that it was all still there clear as day and just as painful.

 

Oddly, Sunday when I looked at the time and realized that OM was done with his part of the event, it all evaporated. Even though I still didn't know for sure I wouldn't see him.

 

 

Proof of why it is best to move far away from the OM after dday.

[Coolit]

Proof of why it is best to move far away from the OM after dday.

 

I disagree. It isn't always best. Obviously best is not cheating. But if you do cheat sometimes staying put it best. Our life is here. And wr are strong enough to handle encounters. So why should my husband and children pull up routes and move? Sure, there is the discomfort of seeing them for a time but it does get better I am sure. (not go away but not be as huge). But, it is no way useful to prevent cheating again. If someone is not truly repentive and hasn't learned anything... They will find a way to cheat whether with the same person via long distance or a new AP.

 

So, if the Betrayed Spouse can handle it and the wayward is in true repentance... Then no one can say it is better for them to run.

[manticore]

SMH

 

Quite simply, I was just a fun loving guy, who women seemed to like to play with and truthfully, I did not need to chase them down, as many of them came knocking on my door, wanting their turn. And, call it bragging if you like, but I must have done something right, as even though they knew there was no love involved, they kept coming back for more.

 

 

Hi 2.5 gallon i am corious about some of the expereinces you have shared i hope you can answer my questions.

 

i have read many of your post and the the cases you mentioned as the coworkers wifes, the porker player wife, and the neighbor wife looks like you just take the opportunitty when they offered, and besides those i read about the ones you chased for revenge on the OM coworkers.

 

but i guess you also chased MW who have nothing to do wth the OM cooworkers my questions will be the as follow:

 

the cases of the women you chased including the OM coworkers wives how many rejected or accepted you in % (not the ones who looked for you).?

 

were you confronted for H after the affairs? if so did you feel remorse or just though it had nothing to do with you?

 

from the total of MW you had affairs with (including the ones who chased you) in % how many just wanted sex and how many were looking for more (here i am talking just at the begennig of the affair i understand that some of the just wanting sex later had emotiomal attachment and maybe wanated more but those are for the next question).?

 

from the ones who just wanted sex (PA) how many of those later in the affair wanted also more (EA or relationship)?

 

from the total of MW you had affairs with how many of them ended the affair for themselves

 

did you had a certain parameters to chose the MW you chased (i mean emeotional parameters, the looked lonely, unsatisfied, complain of the husband all the time) or just chased any one who attracted you.?

 

by the way what happened with the OM coworkers when you let them know you had affairs with their women.

 

thank you for your time

[compulsivedancer]

Hi 2.5 gallon i am corious about some of the expereinces you have shared i hope you can answer my questions.

 

i have read many of your post and the the cases you mentioned as the coworkers wifes, the porker player wife, and the neighbor wife looks like you just take the opportunitty when they offered, and besides those i read about the ones you chased for revenge on the OM coworkers.

 

but i guess you also chased MW who have nothing to do wth the OM cooworkers my questions will be the as follow:

 

the cases of the women you chased including the OM coworkers wives how many rejected or accepted you in % (not the ones who looked for you).?

 

were you confronted for H after the affairs? if so did you feel remorse or just though it had nothing to do with you?

 

from the total of MW you had affairs with (including the ones who chased you) in % how many just wanted sex and how many were looking for more (here i am talking just at the begennig of the affair i understand that some of the just wanting sex later had emotiomal attachment and maybe wanated more but those are for the next question).?

 

from the ones who just wanted sex (PA) how many of those later in the affair wanted also more (EA or relationship)?

 

from the total of MW you had affairs with how many of them ended the affair for themselves

 

did you had a certain parameters to chose the MW you chased (i mean emeotional parameters, the looked lonely, unsatisfied, complain of the husband all the time) or just chased any one who attracted you.?

 

by the way what happened with the OM coworkers when you let them know you had affairs with their women.

 

thank you for your time

 

I am also curious about this. I think it's on-topic enough for this thread, unless you'd rather do a new one. I'm also wondering how many we're ONSs vs affairs.

[compulsivedancer]

Thats exactly what it is in my opinion. No offense to your husband, because I was in his shoes and know the pain and confusion infidelity can bring about, but OM didn't make you do anything you didn't want to do. Oh, I have no illusions that he did. I guess I just wanted to believe that he liked me as a person, not just as a sex object. After, I definitely used OM for sex, but I wouldn't've been interested if I didn't like him as a person.

 

It doesn't matter what OM's intentions where. You were a willing participant and I'm sure he doesn't want to believe that you were. This could be your husband's way of dealing with it though.

 

I know it's all moot now anyway. I wish H would stop insisting I "consider" it. I'd rather just write off the whole thing, take an IDK and it doesn't matter approach, but he really wants me to accept and believe that OM wanted me in one way only and pursued that, despite our 2-yr friendship prior to the A. I would like to think that those 2 years were actual friendship with a work component.

[compulsivedancer]

cd

 

How are you doing?

 

A lot better. I was just freaking out because of the possibility of seeing him. Most of the time OM is just part of the background white noise. Not that I don't ever think if him, but that the thoughts kinda pop up and mostly get dismissed, like thinking about a friend I haven't seen for a while.