Bad Day, time to rant!

[Layzie1207]

Hi guys, i was just having a bad day and decided to rant a little bit. whats been going on lately is that my ex and i broke up amidst lots of ambiguity and i treated her badly for a long time and now we are on a break. i sent her an email saying that i would continue to love her and try and find myself. literally, 2 days after i sent the email i had a life changing revelation and epiphany. something happened that cause me to understand her feelings for a very long time and see myself in a way i never have before. i realized who i was and what i had been doing to her and i knew right then and there that i had changed for the rest of my life. i can say with complete honesty that i have a very hard time treating people badly anymore. it makes me feel very good to know that i am a good person and i have changed into a person who had the opportunity to look back on my mistakes and see how much i hated that person and make a life change to become someone i believe is amazing and happy within myself.

 

lately i have been doing much better. i have been going out and smiling and laughing for the first time in about 3 months. and last night was the first night i actually was able to hang out with my friends and smile and enjoy my time. it just seems i can only last with my happiness for a couple hours before reality hits again. ive been having a very hard time dealing with myself and how i treated the girl i love with all my heart. like i went to a restaurant the other day with my friends and i got there and was smiling and then when i was inside the place i remember we had gone there for our anniversary one year and she wanted to hold my hand the entire time. and i kept making stupid excuses about why i couldnt hold her hand and i remember seeing her heart break in her eyes because she loved me more than life itself. and while i was there with my friends i just felt liek an absolutely terrible person and was having a very hard time living with myself even though i know that i coudl never treat another human being like that. most people say "now that you realize that, you can apply that to other girls." that is true, but i dont love anyone else with all my heart. and to think that my ex is the only person that still thinks im the other person hurts me very badly.

 

because all my friends have seen how much ive changed in my heart. how i am just genuinely nice and caring and loving, and everyone knows it except my ex because i am on no contact with her. i am hoping to see her over christmas break and tell her everything ive realized and the life change i had and i hope that she can forgive me and we can become friends again, and over time maybe love can result. because i can honestly say that i am the person she has always wanted. she went to bed crying almost everyday for a year and a half hoping that i woudl change into the person i am today.

 

before i came to college i was the typical high school guy who just like had fun (dont drink or smoke and yes i am a virgin) but just enjoyed life thoroughly but didnt really ever take to my ex. i never just committed emotionally and was never like an actual boyfriend. i was just being young immature, and had a lot of fun. i have a really good heart and would never hurt anyone intentionally, but i was just naive and just was living basically. now i am completely different. i enjoy life but everything means so much more to me. peoples feelings mean very much to me and i have become much more mature in my outlook on life. i really honestly in my heart think that if my ex sees who i am and really believes i changed (which might take awhile) that she will love me again.

 

right now i am still in the process of trying to inspect every single word that my ex said during our breakup. im trying to decipher whether or not she wants me to get better so we can start over and maybe have a chance at something. or if she wants me to get better just so she can stop feeling guilty and move on with her life. its impossible to know and its wearing on me very badly. i know people say i should just forget about it because i cant control it. but i cant help think about it. i got very sad today because i havent experienced happiness in a long time. i mean i can now have shades of happiness for a couple hours, but i can honestly say that i havent been able to live one day just being complete and happy in myself. i am getting so tired of thinking what ifs and thinking if she will love me again or even if she is capable of it. i am not a bad guy by any means. i never hurt her and i wasnt exactly mean to her. i just was always "joking" and was never there for her emotionally. i am ready to commit to that type of relationship and i have never felt so good about myself ever. lol actually thinking about it i have never ever felt anything about myself so you can see how much ive matured and changed in the past 3 months.

 

the one thing that makes me feel like absolutely dying is when people say "youve already had your chance." ive never felt so low when i hear people say that. i just feel like nothing and its not even worth any of this because i feel liek ive betrayed myself. also when i think of my ex intimate with other people i cant think of anything more painful. i know that is a typical cliche but i am one of those people who is bonded extremely closely with someone who i have been with physically and she is the only person i have ever been with. i am so excited to tell my ex how i feel because i know this is what she has wanted me to see during our entire relationship. she knew that if i ever had that revelation about how i was making her feel that i would change because i am a good person in my heart. sometimes i think that she did all this on purpose not so much for her, but she knew that this was for me as well. its just very very veyr vyeryvyeryvyeyry hard to be so hard on myself and look at that person i was and see how much i despise it, and then turn around and wonder that as the smoke clears, she is seeing the same person i do. some people say that she might start missing me during our break and i can assure them that she is not missing me because we started no contact after i was absolutely crazy and nuts and beggind and making her life miserable for 2 months and because what exactly is there to miss. i still dont even know how she loved me so much because looking back i dont see anything to love.

 

one of the weirdest things about all of this is that i really think the way i feel about her now is the way she felt about me for so long. liek i sit at my computer and listen to dave matthews - two step and i start crying and just melt thinking about here and i just have this strange feeling that that is the exact way she used to feel about me. that she sat at her computer in the wee hours listening to that exact song feeling the same exact way about me. and as happy as that makes me about how i feel about her, that i cant imagine how much i hurt her by acting like i did because i cant even imagine feeling the way i do and have the person i love treat me like that. phewwwww thats rough

 

for the first time in my life i feel like a "catch" not because i am smart or because i have good looks or because i am athletic. i honestly feel like someone who is wanted for who i am. my ex loved me for who i was but i didnt even love myself and i ended up hurting her very badly because of that. i am so sorry for how i treated her and would give anything to have another chance to treat her right. i do believe in my heart that she still loves me somewhere in there, i just chased that love away by treating her badly and not giving her space when she wanted it. one important thing about all this is how i realized why the way i was. i had such low self confidence in myself that i couldnt give her the break she wanted because i feared that she would begin to see that i was a bad person. and when her best friend told her he loved her and then when i called him on the phone he told me that he wanted my ex to make a choice between us two i honestly did not feel confident in her choice. i can say with certainty now though that i know i love her more than he ever will and i know for a fact that i am the best person for her but the chance is if she will ever give me the chance to be that person. i have no doubts for her happiness if she lets me back in i just have doubts if she ever will let me back in.

 

i just feel so tortured in my heart as you can see because i know how good of a person i have become and i truly am happy in my heart knowing that. but not being sure hwo she sees me and how she even feels about me. she might be missing me and hoping to hear from me, or she could be totally over me and just see me as a bag of bones that she feels guilty about making me unhappy. im sorry for this rant, i just got a little sad today and im at college with a roomate and zero privacy and miles away from home and the person i love and the closest person in my life might hate me is very difficult to live with. im so happy that i finally foudn a peace within myself and realized what my ex had always hoped i would. i can say i am a good person and that i could never treat another person in my life badly because i vowed to myself that i never would treat anyone and make myself feel as bad as i did the night i realized how bad of a person i had been. i just pray every night that everything will work out and my ex can see this change ive made and forgive me in her heart and if we become friends again i can just be myself and not fake who i am anymore and she can give me another chance and love me again.

 

i know i am a hopeless romantic and i am very scared because i am leaving myself wide open for heartbreak, but i am so tired of being unhappy. i just want to be able to live again in peace with my life and enjoy living again. i wish my ex could read this and see how i feel and i didnt have to wait to tell her, but i feel like if i try to do anything, then it might be the wrong thing and i might regret it for the rest of my life. i am sometimes tempted to write her a letter to try to tell her what ive realized and how ive changed, but im scared that she might not believe me because this change happened in about a month. but if she knew how much emotion was going through my head each and every day i think that this big of a change might not be that surprising lol. or she might take it in the wrong way and i dont want to regret anything i do anymore and have to dwell on it. in the end i just want to be happy in my life and be loved by the girl i really do love with all my heart and treat her right like i never did.

 

thank you for reading this if you did, and im not a stupid guy by all means. i know that in order for me to not get setup for heartbreak and maybe crash and burn again i need to hear some flat out facts that SHE MIGHT NEVER LOVE ME AGAIN or YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR CHANCE or ITS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN and trust me i do hear my share of those and they hurt very very very badly, but since i do know that, if you decide to reply please make something that might be able to brighten my day, thank you.

[Layzie1207]

one other thing is im scared of is how much time i should give her. i know she wanted her space and i can totally respect that though, but i feel like the more time i give her before i talk to her the more she will separate herself from me and just not give two craps about me in a month or two. im scared that shes at college and just going to start indentifying herself as just someone as alone and not even care about me anymore and i know love doesnt just go away like that, neither does an amazing friendship, but i am so scared of just being another person...........................................

 

writing this has helped me a lot and will at least get me through today, thank you for any of your concerns and replies, it really means a lot to me

[Sukotto]

I don't believe in the whole no contact thing, I think its a huge waste of time and will drive two people apart more than it will bring them together, unless your trying to get over someone and in that case its acceptable. You dont seem to want to get over this girl so why continue no contact?

 

If you really have changed then maybe you should try to reach out and see what happens, yes it might smack you back in the face but what would be worse. Never having tried and always asking yourself "What If I'd done X" or taking the risk that you might get rejected.

 

I'm a firm believer that if two people want to get back together then they have to start work on the friendship that got them together in the first place, this might mean just hanging out somewhere or doing little things just to spend time with them. If you can show her that you've changed without putting any pressure on her then she might come back on her own.

 

I wouldn't tell her how you've changed as if she's not wanting a relationship then you'll most likely scare her off and I have to say that I'm glad I have my ex-girlfriend as a friend at the moment as it always leaves the door open for us getting back together, if its next week, next month or next year.

[UnicornGirl]

I think Sukotto has very good advice. Also, continue to act like things are perfectly cool between you two.

 

For instance, I just called my ex and asked if I might catch a ride home with him for Thanksgiving break. I was cheerful and friendly and offered to split gas money. His plans aren't finalized yet, but he's going to call me sometime this week and let me know if he's going to be driving home. Knowing him, he'll probably fly home or not go home on purpose just so he can assert his masculinity.

 

But hey. I'm acting perfectly ok with the status quo, like it's no big deal to go on a road trip with him. And that's a good strategy.

 

Also I would not analyze every word of what she said -- she may not have meant it all.

[Layzie1207]

yea, i definitely want to be her best friend because i love her, but i also want to be her friend because i know she doesnt want to go out with me. i cant even fathom why she stayed with me for so long when i was a bad person. i want to try and be her best friend and love her with all my heart and i hope she cna try and love me again and see that i have changed and forgive me and give me another chance.

 

that also scares me because i know she said a lot of things during our breakup and i cant help but feel lied to if some of the things she said dont come true.

 

the thing is, i know i will be ok without her. but man i love her and i know that i could be the person she always wanted me to be and i just want that chance because always wondering what if is very hard to live with after i had treated her so badly. just hope she can give me that chance if we are best friends and talk everyday. it just seems as though shed be my best friend just for sympathy. but i dont think i could ever just be her best friend while shes out loving someone else because that may be too hard for me.

[Layzie1207]

i was thinking about it, and i dont think there is any bigger a mistake than not taking the risk to love. if it backfires it may suck royally but i think its worse if you never do it and always wonder.

 

i just hope my ex, her name is kelly by the way, i hope she can see who ive become and just risk loving me. i pray that she can go for it and it may backfire and it may be hard and it may suck for awhile but i hope she can realize that the worst thing is not going for it at all. because if she does tell me flat out that she may never love me again, getting over her may require me to never talk to her again. i just hope she basically just goes for it and risks getting hurt but at the same time risks having the best, most loving relationship two people can have. and i know im ready and i can provide that if she would let me.

 

i feel like what happened to me is the best thing that ever happened to me, but also the worst thing that ever happened to me. of course if kelly gave me another chance and we had an amazing relationship, it would definitely be the best thing that ever happened to me lol.

 

another thing is, i know she is happy again at college. that she doesnt have to deal with me or my problems and is able to live and be happy. and i truly am happy for her, but at the same time i wish she could know that if she went out with me again and risked loving me, that i would not impede her happiness at all with her friends or at college. i would just be the person she is in love with and be her boyfriend while she could continue making new friends and going out with guys, but just not be with them romantically. i just dont want her to think that by giving me another chance that i would suffocate her life, i am prepared to have a real relationship between 2 whole people, a relationship filled with trust and love, not one of those relationships you see where the two people see each other every weekend and cry when the other goes out. the suckiest thing about all this is that i know her life could be perfect if she gave me another just, i just know it could, but i hope she takes that risk because i can promise to anything that i would be the best person for her and the person she had always wanted me to be.

 

haha i know i keep ranting, but im just trying to get everything off my chest because if i dont vent i start to get very low and sad thinking that my ex is just growing apart from me more and more everyday.

[Layzie1207]

one thing about our relationship, is that we've never ever had a break. we never had a break to reflect on ourselves and try to be better people and then try again at the relationship. that is partly my fault because i would never give her a break, but i did give her a break at the beginning of our breakup but her best friend kind of ruined that by saying what he did literally 2 hours after we started our break. (break being separated but still going out). i kind of hope that my ex can see this as a sort of break, even though we are totally broken up. i hope she can see that i spent this time reflecting on myself and working on myself in order to be able to sustain a relationship with her, because a break is something that we've never had. i wish she coudl eventually look at this as a type of break for us. but i know that she is totally over me because i acted so crazy and treated her so badly. i just dont see why i might not be able to get another chance and win her heart back if i really have changed into the person shes always wanted me to be.

 

God i hope she can give me another chance. no one knows what its like to live with myself knowing how i treated her and how badly i feel about that and how i want to make up for it. but if making up for it means letting her go to be happy. i think im prepared to do that because i do love her that much.

 

i dont expect my ex to just start going out with me when i see her and tell her all this. i hope that she can realize i really have changed and i hope that she can try to create a friendship with me with the expectation of an amazing love coming out of it. im just scared that shes totally shunned that possibility forever.

[Layzie1207]

man i wish kelly could read this and then just give me a second chance from her heart, and then the next time i see her she could give me a big kiss! hey a guy can dream

[Sukotto]

Well you need to start making contact with her, pointing her to this thread would probably overwhelm her and well you claim you've changed but how can she this? Actions speak louder than words, so you need to at least get her talking to you and that can progress to meeting up to do something as friends and then once your at that point she'll probably see the changes you've made and might consider a relationship. But getting to that point could take weeks or even months.

 

I'm just meeting up with my ex tonight for the first time, 4 weeks since we last saw each other but we've been talking every other day and sending messages etc. She ended it with me because someone else started hitting on her and it made her question the relationship. Now i'm not going to force her to do anything, I just want to hang out tonight and maybe we'll do it again next weekend and so forth.

 

In planning for a hopeful reconcilliation of our relationship I looked up how much a human sized cardboard box would be so if she does consider it then I can be her christmas present $100 for this custom box lol.

[Layzie1207]

well first i wish i could know if shes totally over me or if she just broke up with me. because if she will definitely never ever feel for me again id like to know so i dont have any expectations. but at the same time i think its only fair to be open. i just hurt her so badly and pushed her so far away i feel as if shes already growing very far apart from me.

 

its just hard because some people very close to her have said, i really dont think she will ever love you again and i just am not sure what to think about that.