Ex asked me out to dinner.

[Phoe]

and I went.

 

Not quite sure how to approach the situation.

 

 

We only were in a relationship for a few weeks before an unexpected wrench was thrown into the mix, he freaked out and dumped me. It wasn't a "bad" breakup so much as he said some unexpected and hurtful words before taking off into oblivion.

 

 

NC for several months. Mutual friends were confused. Every now and then I'd get a "So have you and X talked at all lately?" Nope. Friends said they thought he really liked me and that he must've been scared. Naturally I didn't want to go into details about what happened. Save both of our dignity at least..

 

 

Tried not to really dwell on the WHY anyway, at least not for too long, because if I wrack my brain trying to figure out why a guy doesn't want me, I'm just gonna feel down. He always had strange reasonings for why he chose to be with me. "Was tired of being single" "My friends were bugging me to date someone" "I figure it's time" - was never a single word about ME. About him choosing me because he liked me. No. I always got the impression that I was just a reasonable available girl who fit the bill, so "voila!" - girlfriend.

 

 

We had a small, quick dinner tonight. This is the first time he ever actually took me to dinner. Our first date was Taco Bell, and I paid lol. After that there were no dates.

 

 

He said he freaked out when he dumped me. Didn't really know how to handle himself, was stressed about family issues, stressed about work, stressed about a multitude of other things, and that being stressed about me was the breaking point. Never mind that I was stressed too. Never mind that I went through much more than he did in that moment. And I never freaked out on him. I stayed calm, I was patient and trusted him.

 

 

He told me he thought about me in comparison to the girls he dated before. How they had so much trivial bullsh** going on in their lives and how I always seemed so above any of that. And that he would've been smart to keep me around, that he's never met a woman who knows and does the things that I do.

 

 

He says he doesn't want to be given up on.

 

 

Not really sure what to do or say from here. He said he'd like to take me to dinner again next week. I'm stunned because it seems like he's stepping up and showing interest, but I wonder if it's genuine. I always had to wonder with him. Always having some backwards reason for why I was his girlfriend, not kissing me for months while "dating", and yet...

 

 

He's not a "bad" choice. He always treated me nicely during our time together. Is a good communicator (albeit awkward... but always direct). There was never anything toxic or abusive, just a mistaken freakout on his part.

 

 

I mostly feel like I should take this opportunity while I can. If his intentions are good....

[coffeebean201]

people get stressed out sometimes.

 

is he attracted to you?

[Phoe]

people get stressed out sometimes.

 

is he attracted to you?

 

I assume he's attracted to me, but I can't guarantee anything. He never complained. He used to tell me he liked it when I wore jeans, so there were definitely moments when he found me attractive.

[Misfortune]

Take it slow and make the best of it. He's dated others and hasn't found anyone greener than you so, it's probably worth a shot. He could've changed after experiencing other things. Think of it as a new relationship, put your best forward but keep in mind that things don't always go how we want.

[veggirl]

He sounds like a bad choice to me. He dated you basically "just because", didn't kiss you (???) and bailed as soon as life wasn't going how he wanted it to. I'd be wary. What happens next time he gets stressed out? Is he now interested in YOU not just a gf? Doesn't want to be given up on? He hasn't done anything to show he's worth that kind of effort...

[BC1980]

I would be wary and keep this guy at arm's length for a few months while his true intentions become clear. Everyone makes mistakes, but don't jump right back in.

 

You haven't described him in the most flattering terms though. What do you like about him? Are you attracted to him? Does he have any qualities that you would look for in a long term relationship?

[beyond]

So, he didn't seem that into you anyway from what you say - just asked you out because he didn't want to be single!!!!

 

Then doesn't seem very affectionate or generous with you.

 

Finally after dumping you, he eventually contacts you and says he freaked out because he had stress at work/home/ with you! (Nice!) We all get stresses from work etc. What is going to happen the next time he feels stressed? And shouldn't he view you as a 'good' thing to happen to him, not an 'added stress'?

 

Despite all this, you are wondering if you should give it another go.......

 

Why would you settle for so little Phoe?

[Phoe]

I suppose I just feel like, because we only had 6-8 weeks together, it feels there was never even a first chance for anything to start between us.

 

Things were good during the brief time we were together. Not AMAZING, I never felt sparks or any kind of fiery passion, but he was nice to me and we got along well. He'd never behaved disrespectfully, and I found him quite trustworthy. I can't reasonably ask for much else!

 

 

My trepidation in wondering whether there was real, genuine interest was mostly due to the awkward way he was with me. I was his first girlfriend. He dated 2 other girls but quickly found he was not at all interested and ended things. I'm the only one he actually felt interest towards, and even though he SAID some weird and awkward things, his actions were almost always genuine. Him not kissing me until we were actually established bugged me at first, but I knew that being physical wasn't something he wanted to jump into, he wanted us to get to know each other. He always said that, was always straight forward with his communication.

 

 

His communication seems to me, to be a very good thing. I can't crucify the guy for saying awkward things, he just doesn't know better. When he said comments about wanting a girlfriend and being tired of his friends bugging him, he said he meant it in a good way towards me, that despite dating other girls and having other girls interested and him being very picky, that he decided I was a good choice. In his mind it was all very rational as to why I was a solid choice. Which I suppose is a good thing, truly, it was just disappointing the way he phrased it.

 

 

I don't exactly have a plethora of options, why turn away a perfectly decent guy just because he made a mistake? We never even had a chance to begin with. I certainly would not jump into anything, nor would he. We both were clear on being rational and calm in starting a relationship (until rationality went out the door when the situation hit us that caused his freakout) - But I have made no decisions.

 

 

The way he handled our situation is definitely quite alarming, but it's not necessarily an indicator that he'll behave that way again

[beyond]

I suppose I just feel like, because we only had 6-8 weeks together, it feels there was never even a first chance for anything to start between us.

 

Things were good during the brief time we were together. Not AMAZING, I never felt sparks or any kind of fiery passion, but he was nice to me and we got along well. He'd never behaved disrespectfully, and I found him quite trustworthy. I can't reasonably ask for much else!

 

 

My trepidation in wondering whether there was real, genuine interest was mostly due to the awkward way he was with me. I was his first girlfriend. He dated 2 other girls but quickly found he was not at all interested and ended things. I'm the only one he actually felt interest towards, and even though he SAID some weird and awkward things, his actions were almost always genuine. Him not kissing me until we were actually established bugged me at first, but I knew that being physical wasn't something he wanted to jump into, he wanted us to get to know each other. He always said that, was always straight forward with his communication.

 

 

His communication seems to me, to be a very good thing. I can't crucify the guy for saying awkward things, he just doesn't know better. When he said comments about wanting a girlfriend and being tired of his friends bugging him, he said he meant it in a good way towards me, that despite dating other girls and having other girls interested and him being very picky, that he decided I was a good choice. In his mind it was all very rational as to why I was a solid choice. Which I suppose is a good thing, truly, it was just disappointing the way he phrased it.

 

 

I don't exactly have a plethora of options, why turn away a perfectly decent guy just because he made a mistake? We never even had a chance to begin with. I certainly would not jump into anything, nor would he. We both were clear on being rational and calm in starting a relationship (until rationality went out the door when the situation hit us that caused his freakout) - But I have made no decisions.

 

 

The way he handled our situation is definitely quite alarming, but it's not necessarily an indicator that he'll behave that way again

 

You seem to be talking yourself into it, when he doesn't seem that great a potential boyfriend. There are no sparks or passion felt by you in the months that you have known him, but he is 'nice' to you. Sounds like more of a friendship.

 

Phoe, I was confused about you mentioning a 'wrench' thrown into the mix and a 'situation' hitting you both that caused him to freak out. Is this the guy you mentioned before that gave you a STI?

[Phoe]

You seem to be talking yourself into it, when he doesn't seem that great a potential boyfriend. There are no sparks or passion felt by you in the months that you have known him, but he is 'nice' to you. Sounds like more of a friendship.

 

Phoe, I was confused about you mentioning a 'wrench' thrown into the mix and a 'situation' hitting you both that caused him to freak out. Is this the guy you mentioned before that gave you a STI?

 

 

 

Well we had been NC since April so it just seemed like there was never even an opportunity to start for us.

 

 

And yes, that was the wrench that got thrown in. He freaked out about it, at first didn't want to believe it, then wanted to blame it on me, then was embarrassed to come to terms that it was indeed him. Said the situation was more than he wanted to deal with

 

 

He contacted me today wanting to see me but it was so last minute and I was at work, I declined.

[beyond]

Well we had been NC since April so it just seemed like there was never even an opportunity to start for us.

 

 

And yes, that was the wrench that got thrown in. He freaked out about it, at first didn't want to believe it, then wanted to blame it on me, then was embarrassed to come to terms that it was indeed him. Said the situation was more than he wanted to deal with

 

 

He contacted me today wanting to see me but it was so last minute and I was at work, I declined.

 

 

Oh hun, this just gets worse by the minute.

 

It's not the fact that he has a STI, but how he didn't tell you before sleeping with you, and then trying to blame you before disappearing.

 

I don't understand how you can be civil to him, let alone be contemplating giving him another chance.

 

Yes, some of his words seem nice, but look at his ACTIONS.

[beyond]

I suppose I just feel like, because we only had 6-8 weeks together, it feels there was never even a first chance for anything to start between us.

 

Things were good during the brief time we were together. Not AMAZING, I never felt sparks or any kind of fiery passion, but he was nice to me and we got along well. He'd never behaved disrespectfully, and I found him quite trustworthy. I can't reasonably ask for much else!

 

 

My trepidation in wondering whether there was real, genuine interest was mostly due to the awkward way he was with me. I was his first girlfriend. He dated 2 other girls but quickly found he was not at all interested and ended things. I'm the only one he actually felt interest towards, and even though he SAID some weird and awkward things, his actions were almost always genuine. Him not kissing me until we were actually established bugged me at first, but I knew that being physical wasn't something he wanted to jump into, he wanted us to get to know each other. He always said that, was always straight forward with his communication.

 

 

His communication seems to me, to be a very good thing. I can't crucify the guy for saying awkward things, he just doesn't know better. When he said comments about wanting a girlfriend and being tired of his friends bugging him, he said he meant it in a good way towards me, that despite dating other girls and having other girls interested and him being very picky, that he decided I was a good choice. In his mind it was all very rational as to why I was a solid choice. Which I suppose is a good thing, truly, it was just disappointing the way he phrased it.

 

 

I don't exactly have a plethora of options, why turn away a perfectly decent guy just because he made a mistake? We never even had a chance to begin with. I certainly would not jump into anything, nor would he. We both were clear on being rational and calm in starting a relationship (until rationality went out the door when the situation hit us that caused his freakout) - But I have made no decisions.

 

 

The way he handled our situation is definitely quite alarming, but it's not necessarily an indicator that he'll behave that way again

 

 

The bit in bold Phoe - can you see how that was anything BUT straightforward communicating?! If he was straightforward he would have told you about his STI before sleeping with you, both to show you his honesty and to show he cares about your well being. Then when you are suffering from getting the STI from him, he actually tries to deny it and blame it on you.

 

But in the end, you will do what you will do. I'm certainly not one to judge - I've made huge mistakes!

Edited September 4, 2013 by beyond

[lylat333]

Excuse me, but this whole thread seems totally bizarre. I'm surprised more people aren't telling you to ditch this!

 

He always had strange reasonings for why he chose to be with me. "Was tired of being single" "My friends were bugging me to date someone" "I figure it's time" - was never a single word about ME. About him choosing me because he liked me. No. I always got the impression that I was just a reasonable available girl who fit the bill, so "voila!" - girlfriend.

 

What a charmer!

 

Never mind that I went through much more than he did in that moment. And I never freaked out on him. I stayed calm, I was patient and trusted him.

 

You got the short end of the stick at every turn.

 

He's not a "bad" choice.

And what a way to describe someone... mediocre at best?

 

He used to tell me he liked it when I wore jeans, so there were definitely moments when he found me attractive.

 

Wow, he liked it when you wore jeans. I have never made sarcastic comments like this before on LS but this guy sounds like a total joke! I see a whole lot of negatives and nothing real positive. Sure, it's flattering he invited you out to dinner, but I think you should expect far, far better from someone.

[HappyLove]

Sounds to me like you're settling and he's only back because he knows you'll settle. You say you don't have a bunch of choices. Neither do I but you know what I do have? SELF RESPECT! I wouldn't even consider this jerk! You deserve much better! Don't be a glutton for punishment. You WILL find a man worth your time, don't allow people to treat you like this! 'People show you who they are the first time, believe them'- Maya Angelou

[Phoe]

Oh hun, this just gets worse by the minute.

 

It's not the fact that he has a STI, but how he didn't tell you before sleeping with you, and then trying to blame you before disappearing.

 

I don't understand how you can be civil to him, let alone be contemplating giving him another chance.

 

Yes, some of his words seem nice, but look at his ACTIONS.

 

 

 

He claims he never knew about the STI. I do believe it. It's very common for people to be totally asymptomatic, not to mention it wouldn't show up on a normal STD panel (which he had done) it would only show up on a very specific blood panel.

 

 

To me, his actions aren't bad. He's made some wrong decisions but he hasn't been completely horrid or anything.

 

 

I just feel like, considering that my dating life has always been dead, now considering the STI issue, my chances of finding anyone just got that much slimmer. I would be best off sticking with someone who can't be bothered by that than trying to date and getting thrown out over and over because of the STI.

[Simon Phoenix]

He claims he never knew about the STI. I do believe it. It's very common for people to be totally asymptomatic, not to mention it wouldn't show up on a normal STD panel (which he had done) it would only show up on a very specific blood panel.

 

 

To me, his actions aren't bad. He's made some wrong decisions but he hasn't been completely horrid or anything.

 

 

I just feel like, considering that my dating life has always been dead, now considering the STI issue, my chances of finding anyone just got that much slimmer. I would be best off sticking with someone who can't be bothered by that than trying to date and getting thrown out over and over because of the STI.

 

You are way too young to have that type of defeatist attitude.

[Els]

Phoe, straight up, this guy sounds awful!

 

Based on what I've heard, it sounds like after he dumped you, he got with other women, then realized that none of them are going to be as tolerant of his bull**** as you were (I mean, no dates in 8 weeks? Saying hurtful things and dumping you out of the blue? Blaming you for the STI he gave you?). So he went back to you.

 

You deserve SO much more than this, hon. I know dating has been hard for you, but you know what's the most surefire way to miss out on a relationship with the right person? ...Wasting time in a relationship with the wrong one, that's what.

 

Don't do it!

[BC1980]

I know dating has been hard for you, but you know what's the most surefire way to miss out on a relationship with the right person? ...Wasting time in a relationship with the wrong one, that's what.

 

This is good advice. I wish I had cut my losses with my current ex much sooner.

[Phoe]

Phoe, straight up, this guy sounds awful!

 

Based on what I've heard, it sounds like after he dumped you, he got with other women, then realized that none of them are going to be as tolerant of his bull**** as you were (I mean, no dates in 8 weeks? Saying hurtful things and dumping you out of the blue? Blaming you for the STI he gave you?). So he went back to you.

 

You deserve SO much more than this, hon. I know dating has been hard for you, but you know what's the most surefire way to miss out on a relationship with the right person? ...Wasting time in a relationship with the wrong one, that's what.

 

Don't do it!

 

I very much so doubt he dated other women in this time. When he spoke of comparing me to other women he dated, it was the women he dated before me. Not to mention he's shy. Dating isn't something he's experienced with.

 

 

While there probably is a bit of him knowing I'll be tolerant of things other women wouldn't be, he's also obviously being tolerant of certain things about me that others wouldn't be tolerant of. Namely the sti.

 

 

I mostly feel like no matter which option I choose it'll be a mistake. If I accept him it'll be a mistake. If I pass up the opportunity with a guy who will accept me, it's a mistake.

 

 

I'm frustrated. And someone who I used to have very strong feelings for, who ended up rejecting me, contacted me out of the blue yesterday after not speaking since around Christmas. I wish he hadn't. My heart is in my throat.

 

 

I feel like mud right now.

[pteromom]

If I pass up the opportunity with a guy who will accept me, it's a mistake.

 

Really?

 

A guy who will accept you?

 

You deserve more than "a guy who will accept you".

 

Don't settle for someone you have no real attraction toward, or who doesn't seem to be that into you.

 

I don't know how your self-esteem is, but you are obviously attractive, smart, and nice. You deserve someone who is crazy about you.

 

It sounds to me like this guy just got lonely on his own, and called you because you are an option for him. Not good enough.

 

You should choose a partner - NOT just let someone choose you. And you should be attracted to him. It should make you smile to think about him. AND you have to make sure he fits your goals, values, humor, and all the other things that are important in a relationship.

 

I do not think you should go out with him again. Move on and find someone MORE than "acceptable".

[Phoe]

You deserve more than "a guy who will accept you".

 

You should choose a partner - NOT just let someone choose you. And you should be attracted to him. It should make you smile to think about him. AND you have to make sure he fits your goals, values, humor, and all the other things that are important in a relationship.

 

And of course, this all makes sense. It's stuff I really do know and understand and believe.

 

 

But putting that into practice seems.... impractical.

 

 

I know what I deserve, but I tend to think "F**K what I deserve because I'm not gonna get it" and I tell myself to take what I can because it's the best I'm gonna get. So far he really is the best option I've ever had. He's better than any guy in my past

 

 

I know he sounds horrible in this thread, but he really is a decent guy. People who know him say how he's the politest guy anyone's ever met, he's kind, respectful, raised right. People genuinely believe in him. And with good reason. He doesn't do things to garner any negative feelings towards him.

 

 

In fact, when he first started dating me, a handful of people felt kinda "meh" about me. Wondered if maybe I wasn't good enough for him. I had quite a few one on one meetings with friends of his, it was like I had to jump through flaming hoops to prove myself worthy. Eventually they accepted me, but boy there's nothing like knowing you're under scrutiny of not being good enough!

 

 

I suppose it put me in the mindset of feeling like I should feel lucky that he chose me. Or I ought to be grateful. Which I am... but perhaps I'm not grateful enough. Because I'm just too unsure

Edited September 5, 2013 by Phoe
x

[Phoe]

You deserve more than "a guy who will accept you".

 

And what it comes to what I deserve, who am I to judge what I do or don't deserve?

 

 

Do I deserve general decency? Absolutely.

 

 

But do I deserve the moon and the stars? Should I wait for a man who gives me these things, because I deserve it? I don't know. And I don't think I'm one to judge myself and decide whether I deserve those things.

 

 

If a man judges me and deems me worthy, and gives me those things, then I will believe I deserve it. But I won't automatically claim I deserve anything. Because what have I done? What makes me deserve anything special and spectacular? I am not special nor spectacular. I am average. I should expect average treatment. And it's all I really WANT... I am pleased with just normal and average.

[HappyLove]

"I know what I deserve, but I tend to think "F**K what I deserve because I'm not gonna get it" and I tell myself to take what I can because it's the best I'm gonna get."

 

The best way to know where you'll be 5 years from now is to listen to what your saying today.

[Phoe]

"I know what I deserve, but I tend to think "F**K what I deserve because I'm not gonna get it" and I tell myself to take what I can because it's the best I'm gonna get."

 

The best way to know where you'll be 5 years from now is to listen to what your saying today.

 

True...

 

 

in all likelihood I'll still be alone in 5 years, but I can deal with that.

 

 

I know I need to reject this guy, but I still feel so unhappy about it.

[StrongLass]

I know I need to reject this guy,

 

Good idea

 

but I still feel so unhappy about it.

 

Of course you do, nobody likes doing that kind of thing...but this is nothing compared to the unhappiness you'd be feeling down the line if you took up with him again.

 

Many people here have been there.

 

Do yourself a favor and listen to them.