It's more than wedding jitters.

[adriannasletters]

All I could ask is where did all the love go?

 

We have been together for more than six years and it was not a walk in the park. It was one hell of an agonizing, painstaking, heartbreaking moment of life. Stupid? Not that much, it's just that, we have good time too, life isn't always pretty, right?

 

Finally, the most awaited time has come to a point! Marriage. Am I really ready to marry a verbally abusive man. If you knew him, you won't understand how can a seemingly good looking person could have bottled so much anger and hate. Good thing as of the moment is he has never tried to hit me or physically abuse me. The wounds that he caused me are far more painful than a few bruises. I was never the same, I am damaged and broken. I don't even know what holds me together at this point. If I reevaluate the pros & cons of being with him, the disadvantages will definitely prevail!

 

So do we really feel the same way for each other? Is it really love or just something more generics just having someone?

 

It's our wedding prep time and as much as I am so excited with all the planning, my fiancé seems to lack interest. He's not invested, not that committed. Planning this wedding is just physical tiring and emotional draining. I cried all the time. Maybe I realized that he just wanted to get it over with.

So I thought maybe we are not yet ready for something that requires a lot of everything. Understanding, responsibility, compassion and unconditional love.I told him but he never understood where I was coming from. But what will I do if the wounds of his abuse takes so long to heal. He called me several insulting names already, insulted me like there's no tomorrow, called me stupid and unable. When will he ever let me go? He keeps on breaking me until I'm so beaten down I am always left with no choice. He's always ad, irritated and blames me for everything. When I say something which is totally out of his ideals and preferences he gets really upset. I tried understanding him, but he never tried to understand me. No effort at all. It's always his way or more verbal abuse. I am always sads, tired and I feel so unconfident. He makes me feel that I am really that stupid.

 

The question here is, why won't he let me go?

[bloominnora]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think it's possible that it's only a matter of time before the abuse turns physical. The fact that you are married to him may make him feel more entitled to hit you. I would stop the marriage plans, and plan your exit strategy. He may drop you like a hot brick if you stop the wedding, so effectively killing two birds with one stone.

 

I told my abusive ex that I'd had a one night stand, it was two months after he'd dumped me but he was still contacting me and turning at my house and we were having sex. To put an end to that I told him this lie, and it worked really effectively. I'd tried other tactics in the past, but he always made it out that I was completely nuts and my own mind wasn't to be trusted.

 

Anyway keep us posted how you get on,

[anne1707]

The question here is, why won't he let me go?

 

No. The real question is why won't you let him go.

 

You deserve more than this. His abuse of you will continue and probably get worse. Please don't put up with this any longer.

[Omei]

I AGREE!!!! Why wont you let him go? Speaking as a person that's been both physically and verbally abused verbal abuse in some way shreds almost everything about you esp when you hear it from the ones you love most its pure bullying to the max and imo more painful since its an attack on our being, it can even drive us to the edge of suicide. Other posters are right verbal usually leads to physical.

 

Stop being afraid and leave, you're the only one holding yourself back.

[amy10]

Please don't marry him. you deserve so much better, If you marry him you could just be setting yourself up for a life time of hurt and misery. you said "Am I really ready to marry a verbally abusive man". No one is because it is not the right thing to do. Yes you will have to start dating all over again and work up to this stage again with someone new. But wouldn't it be better if it was with someone that loved you and treated you well and respected you, and encouraged you in everything you do?

 

On the other hand you could stop the wedding for now and try to talk to him and expllain that you feel he breakes you down and upsets you. Try to sort out theese problems if you really do want to stay with him but honestly if he seems like he wants it over with i don't think he deserves you. you even said you don't know what holds you together at this point. so why do you want to marry him!?

 

I don't know if your fiancé is like this but I'd like to tell you this.

My mum married my dad who in many ways sounds like your fianc'e he has never hit my mum or anything like that but after 20 years of marrage they don't even like or love eachother. I have never even seen them hold hands, hug never mind kiss eachother. and all this time my mum has been missrible from the second she realised what kind of man she had married. I know that at one point they must of done most of theese things because i'm here but I know that my mum is hurt much wose that a physical hurt and she has become so un confident in herself and has started to loose her friends because she has lost her strengh mentally. Now my dad can not be blamed for all of this as my mum had the change not to marry him like you do now.

 

This has hurt me in turn growing up in a relationship of hate. So don't marry this man because eventually you will be brocken down more than you are now. besides marrage is supose to be a happy time you arn't ment to feel like this he isn't the man you want to marry nor th man you deserve.

 

leave whilst you can would be my advice.

[amaysngrace]

Just because he says bad things to you doesn't make them true. The dudes got issues that he won't address and in time it will be your potential children who feel the way that you do now. Do you really want that for them?

 

It is better to lose a lover than to love a loser.

 

Get out now before the hole gets any deeper.

[turnera]

The question here is, why won't he let me go?

The question SHOULD be, why are you even considering marrying a man you already know is abusive?

 

There IS better out there, hon. You just have to believe you are WORTH it.

[venusishername]

It is better to lose a lover than to love a loser.

 

This reminds me of a magnet I bought a few years ago: "It's better to have loved and lost... than to live with the psycho the rest of your life." It really changed my life, actually.

 

You are acknowledging here that his behavior is violating your boundaries. Of course this is easier said than done, but you now have a golden opportunity to get out of this marriage before it even begins. My best advice to you is to re-read the above quirky sayings until you believe it.

[sjm]

All I could ask is where did all the love go?

 

We have been together for more than six years and it was not a walk in the park. It was one hell of an agonizing, painstaking, heartbreaking moment of life. Stupid? Not that much, it's just that, we have good time too, life isn't always pretty, right?

 

Finally, the most awaited time has come to a point! Marriage. Am I really ready to marry a verbally abusive man. If you knew him, you won't understand how can a seemingly good looking person could have bottled so much anger and hate. Good thing as of the moment is he has never tried to hit me or physically abuse me. The wounds that he caused me are far more painful than a few bruises. I was never the same, I am damaged and broken. I don't even know what holds me together at this point. If I reevaluate the pros & cons of being with him, the disadvantages will definitely prevail!

 

So do we really feel the same way for each other? Is it really love or just something more generics just having someone?

 

It's our wedding prep time and as much as I am so excited with all the planning, my fiancé seems to lack interest. He's not invested, not that committed. Planning this wedding is just physical tiring and emotional draining. I cried all the time. Maybe I realized that he just wanted to get it over with.

So I thought maybe we are not yet ready for something that requires a lot of everything. Understanding, responsibility, compassion and unconditional love.I told him but he never understood where I was coming from. But what will I do if the wounds of his abuse takes so long to heal. He called me several insulting names already, insulted me like there's no tomorrow, called me stupid and unable. When will he ever let me go? He keeps on breaking me until I'm so beaten down I am always left with no choice. He's always ad, irritated and blames me for everything. When I say something which is totally out of his ideals and preferences he gets really upset. I tried understanding him, but he never tried to understand me. No effort at all. It's always his way or more verbal abuse. I am always sads, tired and I feel so unconfident. He makes me feel that I am really that stupid.

 

The question here is, why won't he let me go?

 

HOLY COW this exactly how my situation was. Even thinking about the pain and trouble and difficulty I went through trying to plan the wedding with him makes me weep, I was completely distraught. No matter how many times I tried to talk to him it would result in a fight and him calling me some really horrible names.

 

I tried to leave twice, he didnt let me go. So I stayed trying to fix things.

 

He started to ignore me, then he left on his own accord and completely shut me out.

 

Safe to say I am broken.

[d0nnivain]

Don't marry him! Breaking up now is so much easier & cheaper that going through with the wedding & having to get a divorce.

 

 

I was an emotional wreck during wedding planning. Weddings are so expensive. There is always family drama & tension. It seems like the whole world "should's" you about everything from your dress, to the vows, to the centerpieces. I have always considered myself a strong person but I was in tears at least once per week. My then FI now Dh held me, comforted me. 7 made me feel better even when he was rolling his eyes thinking WTF is wrong now? as he did so.

 

 

That experience taught me two things. One: DH is a great guy & the one I was supposed to marry. Two: my EX who I thought was my soulmate & I never would have survived the wedding planning process without killing each other. It was how I got the long sought after closure many people want after a break up. (I had been logically over the EX before dating DH but this just sealed the deal)

 

 

If the crucible of the wedding planning process is pulling you & your guy farther apart, take that as a HUGE sign & go with it. Don't marry him.

[Lemonitaz]

You can't change him- he is what he is.

Would he consider therapy? If the answer is NO, then please reflect on the fact that you can EXPECT this continued behavior... why should he change if you have accepted it?

 

 

Please also reflect on how watching and living in this abuse would affect any potential children.

We can't control or change anyone else's behavior- only our own. If you don't like what is happening in the relationship, you have to change your own behavior to remove yourself from the situation.

Good luck!

[imtooconfused]

adriannasletters, I am sorry but I am going to pile on here. The one thing I learned from experience is that the one thing you most dislike about your partner will never change, and in fact will likely get worse, no mater how hard you try and change your partner. You might see yellow flags in your partner's behavior, but everyone on this thread is telling you that those are red flags. Those are red flags that should be warning you to leave the relationship now, rather than consider taking the next step of marriage. You may only have a memory for the good, loving times, but the bad, angry memories that you are repressing will eventually become the majority of your relationship.

 

Furthermore, for yourself, please seek some kind of counseling to understand why you hold on to dysfunctional relationship even though you know long-term outcome will be bad. Please don't take this to mean that I in any way blame you, but figuring out your blind spots with respect to this relationship will help you avoid making the same mistake in the future.

[Mcle]

You know that abusers generally worsen after marriage right? Once they know they really have you it's on for them. What you do not want to accept is that abusers like how they feel after they abuse you. You are a wreck and wondering why he does not see it. The problem is, he does see it but he enjoys it. Bringing you down, ruining your important moments makes him feel better. Why would he let you go, he is getting something out of this.

[TrappedWanderer]

adriannasletters-any update? Did you decide to call off the wedding?

 

I was in a similar situation to yours-packed up my things and moved to another country for him. We'd known each other for so long. There were some issues, but aren't there always? So, at least, I thought. I very quickly found myself in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship with my brand new husband-I couldn't believe it. Truly, I felt like I'd been hit by a tornado. I really do wish things had come to light before we'd gone through with the wedding-vows I meant, but he obviously didn't...and didn't deserve me to have meant them to him. I got out when things kept escalating, and I'm now trying to deal with it all. Ultimately I know I made the right decision to leave while I could and before things continued to escalate, but it's been a rough road.

 

I hope you had the courage to call things for what they were. And if you didn't...well, rely on the people that DO love you...let them in and let them help.

 

Do let us know how you're doing.