My bf keeps us living in the past and its ruining us

[memogirl]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for a long time, 2 and a half years and we are each others 1st loves. There was this period where we had a bad break up and didn't talk for awhile.

 

Anyway, now that we are back together we are always fighting about the past and I am more stressed now than happy. I keep asking why do you continue to bring up guys from my past (even if it's as little as a kiss) and he states that the past is the future and all this other crap. Then he goes on to say that if I really loved him as much as I do, why did I have to go out and date all these guys to find that out? He says that why was I willing to ruin us when I was out gettin drunk when I was 21?

 

I am sick of living in the past and fighting about it. He says that he wants us to find out the reasons why it ended in the first place so it doesn't happen again. Well personally I think all this talk is ruining us because now we fight everyday...on the phone because it's long distance right now..I love him but I can't take it. Even my friends keep asking why he's doing this? Is there a reason out there because no matter how many times i tell him that I don't wanna talk about it he doesn't get the point and he even gets angry? WHY?? I just wanna move forward with him and think about good times to come rather than having me talk about why I do this and that and how he can't trust me at times....please help.

[Starnette83]

ok in the past did u two break up cuz u wanted to see what else was out there?

 

what u did obviously hurt him alot and he needs to talk about it, the more u say "lets forget the past. lets not talk about this"..just keeps him being insecure and feeling that u might do that again,and leaves him doubting in ure relationship...

 

what u need to do, is talk about it....

tell him how u realized that he was the best, and missed him, and apologize for hurting him or being curious...just make him feel secure of your love, cuz obviously hes not...its normal for him to question...and u should for once listen and not just shun it off as tho it never happen..

and hes right the past is important, i know u guys are tyogether nwo and thigns can be great, but the past is haunting him and he needs some closure with it....

 

For example my bf broke up with me cuz he was curious to be with other chicks, we are now back..but even now i have a hard time trusting him, theres many times i go back to the past cuz i feel like if he did those things back then he can do them again now..so its kinda scary!!!

When my bf ignores me and doesnt wanna talk of the past it just makes me feel that he doesnt wanna discuss it cuz he doesnt wanna accept that he screwed up and that most likely he do it again...

 

when he does listen and proves and tells me it wont happen again and hes with me cuz he loves me, it really makes things much better for us...

 

 

Its just hard...and u gotta communicate or else the fighting will persist...

 

goodluck!

[ixlives]

My girlfriend used to tell me the same thing. When we first started out she had no problem telling me what she used to do with other guys from her past, serious relationships or just dating, for example, if she was interested in a guy she had no problem giving him a blowjob to so him. Well, our sex life was amazing at first, but then it stopped, I mean totally stopped. I was in love with her and she said the same but, I would bring up the past on how she could so easily do this for a guy she was just interested in but our intimacy was gone. My point is he needs to except it, if you can show him the same and even more, that should show him how you truly feel about him, if you don't show him the same or more I could understand his problem with your past

[Cecelius]

Young men need to learn not to care what their g/f have done in the past (unless it's too extravagent) and young women need to not get into details (it works in reverse). It's a sign of immaturity for people to get into these things, and it is disrespectful ("Look at what I did that you weren't around for, do you want to see some pictures?").

 

My g/f used to talk about things she'd done and was pretty bold about volunteering information.

 

So I told her a story about hooking up with two good friends of mine one night after some vodka shots.

 

Haven't heard a story out of her since.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

I have to agree with the posts so far...You need to talk it out. I, like others, have been through a situation where my bf and I broke up, he slept with somebody else (I didn't), and we ended up getting back together. It was very painful for me to think about him with somebody else, but the only thing that made it worse was when he tried to avoid talking about it. I needed to hear that it was a mistake and that I was the only one that mattered. Believe your boyfriend when he says that he wants to know what broke you up in the first place, because there are not many people who want to keep reliving painful pasts because they get "joy" out of it. He may legitimately want to know what went wrong before so he can know what signs to look for in the future. Be honest without being too detailed (you don't need to give him any specifics that will fuel his fire), but just keep reassuring him that he's the one you want.

 

You can't let it get to a point where you're 3 years down the road, still talking about it (because that's a sign it will never be resolved), but you can do your best to make him feel better now (through reassuring him of your love), and hopefully he will feel good enough about your relationship that this will all be a thing of the past.

 

Good luck!

[uwchica]

I don't think that people should dwell on their bf/gf's past because what is the point of wasting time talking about the past, when you have a future to look forward to?

 

My ex has a gf who is obsessed with hating me and she won't let him talk to me whatsoever. I am the biggest issue in their relationship and we only dated a few months. I think that if the obsession with the ex gets to THIS point, it's about time to realize that there the person who is obsessed has some serious insecurity issues. THe only way to resolve that is for the person themselves to get a grip and have some more confidence. The past is there for a reason, you respect that the person had it, and then you move on. We all have some past loves and you just have to accept it. If it has become such an obstacle in the relationship that you spend more time arguing about it than having fun together, that's some kind of sign of where the relationship is going.

 

I could just be biased though being an outsider looking into the situation of my ex and his current gf.

[Cecelius]

How old are the two of you? Who did the breaking up? And why? And what were the real reasons behind the break up?