Need a guys opinion here...

[MelanieQ]

Ok, this is for you guys to help me understand something. I'm 42 and my guy is 46. When we first were together we had a fairly decent sex life. My guy told me he was madly in love with me and would never cheat or want anyone else. But, I discovered right after we got serious that he still uses really nasty porno magazines to jack off to. While taking a shower at his house I discovered these in his bathroom hidden under his towels.

 

These are hard core porn - not Playboy or Penthouse. I kidded him about them and he said "I don't need those anymore - I have you" and he claimed he threw them in the trash. He said he used them during the months he was single and always felt bad after he masturbated to them and said he's so happy to be in a loving relationship having real sex.

 

So - a month later I discover the same magazines on top of his bed headboard. I wonder if he keeps these out for me to conveniently find? I actually felt hurt that he lied to me and said he no longer needed them and had thrown them away but yet he kept them.

 

Honestly - it turns me off to him sexually picturing him jacking off to those magazines. I don't know why but it turns me off an makes me not want him. I'm pretty open sexually so it's not like he's not getting what he wants from me.

 

I asked him if it would be ok if I had magazines of men with hardons that I used to masturbate to and he said "NO WAY". So - he wouldn't want me doing what he's doing but he thinks all guys do this so I shouldn't feel jealous or think he's cheating.

 

I'm not anti-porn at all. I even said asked him if he'd jack off with those magazines while I watched and he just looked at me in horror. Of course I just asked him that after he said alot of couples enjoy porn together - well he didn't seem to want to do that together.

 

I honestly feel that while he expects me to be faithful and not lust after other men (in photos or real life) - he does whatever he wants regardless of my feelings. I do feel this is cheating in a way because he's lusting after women and fantasizing and getting off to that when he could be having sex with me.

 

I can tell when he masturbates too much because he's not as rock hard as when he saves himself for me and he takes a long time to come. So this is interfering in our relationship and sex life - I picture him jacking off all the time and it lets all the air out of my sails - I'm not turned on by him and just get disgusted.

 

Why be in a relationship if you're enjoying jacking off to magazines more than having real sex? Is he hooked on the graphic images? I think it can be addicting if you can't get off to normal sex with a real woman and you gotta hide and look at that stuff to get off.

 

It's killing my passion for him - I'd rather have a man who's horny for me - not his porn. I don't think in this case he's using it just for an occassional release - I think he does it alot and has done it alot his whole life.

 

I don't want to tell him not to look at those magazines because then he'll really want to do it that much more. Do all of you guys do this? Even in great relationships?

[Grinning Maniac]

While I agree that it isn't good that he lied to you about throwing them away, it's possible that he "tossed them" because he was embarrassed about you finding them. BUt I'm just guessing here.

 

You're entitled to feeling the way you do, but a lot of women aren't clear on why we masturbate. Do a search on masturbation threads here. You'll find a ton.

 

I'll give you some advice from a personal perspective. I'm 19 years old and in my second year of college. My girlfriend lives right down the street in another residence hall. A ten minute walk at most. We have a good relationship and also have sex on a regular basis. However, I still keep a folder full of porn on my laptop. Why? Convienience. Sometimes it's just easier.

 

If I'm busy doing school work, I can just pull up a movie and get myself off in a couple of minutes. Then I can get some work done, with very little of my time taken away.

 

On the other hand, if my only outlet of sexual release was her, then it'd be a whole different story. I'd have to call her up, wait for her "get ready" and walk down here, get a little foreplay going on, put on a condom, and then concern myself with making sure she's getting off as well. Then I'd probably have to talk with her a little afterwards because I'd feel like a bit of a prick just kicking her out right after we're done. I mean, she's my girlfriend, not a hooker.

 

All of that takes a lot more time. Like I said, sometimes it's just easier, especially if you have other things going on.

 

If it honestly is making a difference in your sex life as far as frequency and quality of sex, then it's within reason to ask him to cut down on his "private time" some. But he's almost certainly going to still masturbate every now and then. I hate to say it, but it's just something you're going to have live with. Try to change your perspective on it. I really doubt he's beating off because he isnt attracted to you, so try not thinking of it in that way. I know I'd be shocked if my girlfriend told me that she thought of my masturbating as "cheating" on her. It's honestly just a time saver for me, no emotional value at all to it. To me, it no different than popping a Stoffer's frozen lasagna in the microwave instead of trying to cook something from scratch (like I know how to cook. Ha!). I still think about getting in her pants constantly even though I beat off sometimes. The two things are not even in the same universe as far as I'm concerned.

 

Talk to him and ask him why he does it and you'll likely get the same response. Try to be mindful of your approach though. If you go about it in the wrong way, he'll likely get defensive. Just be calm and ask logical questions instead of getting really emotional about it and things will be fine.

 

My $0.02

[MelanieQ]

Grinning, I get what you're saying and I can see how sometimes it's just an easier way to get off without all the hassle. For some reason though - picturing him jacking off while having a magazine between his legs has turned me off towards him sexually.

 

I guess the fact that we're both in our 40's now and I would rather prefer being with a man who is an adult - not still acting like a 20-something horny bachelor has alot to do with it.