(long) question about the state of my marriage

[simonaxa]

hi all,

 

hoping for a little advice as feeling lost at the moment with my marriage. is this normal for a loving relationship ? ....

 

on average we (me and my wife of 8 years, i'm 30 she's 25) have sex 3 or 4 times a month, i ALWAYS start things off and 100% of the time we do have sex it involved me saying things like "oh go on", "please" etc (in what's turned out over time to feel like begging for it from her, which i resent a lot) before she says "oh go on then" like she's doing me some massive favour. 90% of the time i try and start something she says no and gets in a mood even though i dont get nasty or anything about it to justify this.

 

one reason for this she says, is that she is tired which i can fully understand as she looks after our 2 young children, but i work very hard (we have no money issues but i do work hard still) and although i'm sometimes very tired and stressed out with work, i still love my wife and want to "connect" with her physically and mentally and show my love for her with loving sex. i put most of it down to being tired until recently i've noticed that she normally goes to bed before me and then she's "too tired" but she can and does stay up late if she goes to her friends house or wants to watch a late 3 hour show on sky showing all the music hits of the 80's. recently, she plays computer games for a minimum of an hour at night but normally between 1 and 2 hours, then goes to bed "to tired" for anything. maybe i'm being over sensitive but with things like that, i feel she'd rather watch tv shows and play computer games more than touch me.

 

i've asked her about it and she doesn't like to talk about sex and says she's tired and a new thing is that it hurts for many days after we have sex. i feel that if this is true, and she wants to have sex with me, why doesn't she find out or at least try to speak to a doctor about it and see if it can be sorted. if it were anything else that was wrong, e.g., she had a nose bleed and went rushing to the doctors and got blood tests, i asked her if she mentioned about it hurting after sex and to be honest i didn't believe that she even mentioned it, but she said she did and the doctor apparently said "that it's common and there's nothing they can do" and now the subjects closed on that with us <sigh>.

 

this has been going on like this for 2-3 years, certainly after the birth of our first child, however when i think back, sex was always when she wanted when the relationship was new and i can only think of a handful of times over 8 years when she has initiated sex with me. to make things even more complex though her dad died a few months back. i've not said how i really feel to her about this in detail, one because of the timing with her dad dying and two, i really dont think she'll listen or take anything i say in so there's no use. however, she is or at least should be aware of 10% of how i'm feeling. recently she has gone on a diet and got into working out and has lost a great deal of weight and she looks even more fantastic than normal, but things haven't improved sex wise.

 

this whole thing makes me feel like a pervert, begging my wife to sleep with me and if i had to try and chase her this much when i met her, i would have given up, but i love her very much and apart from no sex, touching or loving acts (including non sexual) we have a great life with 2 amazing little children. i dont want to have an affair and i certainly hope i never do, but i really feel that a big part of what makes me happy in life has been taken away from me by my wife and she does not care in the slightest. if i'm honest, i think i provide her with a nice lifestyle, i never moan or get in moods, i look after her, and although i really think this isn't the case, i do feel like the best thing she gets from me is my money and security. what frightens me most is the fact that i think she's "settled" in her marriage, i.e., she doesn't find me attractive any more but has settled for me because of the other things like security / money / no hassle etc that i provide. i've ask her about this (in a nice way) and she insists that she loves me and finds me attractive and she does want to have sex with me, but then weeks and months later nothing has changed.

 

sorry for such a long letter but i really dont know what to do. am i to blame for this as i'm too "soft" with her and have always done everything the way she wants it to be so this is why she does what she wants, or should i take some kind of action ? i did try to go 30 days without trying to start anything with her, i got to day 24 (she never seemed to notice that i haven't even wanted it) when i gave in and tried and she got in a mood again. maybe i'm a pervert and it's normal after 8 years to only have sex 3/4 times per month, i don't know. hopefully someone can offer some advice here.

 

thanks for reading all this,

 

simon

[Ladyjane14]

I've posted on this problem more than once!

 

That's because my marriage of over 20 years was almost ruined because of the exact same thing. I can only tell you that the reason that my husband and I were able to save it was I realized the following:

 

....sex means something different to him. I can swim but that don't make me a fish!I can't understand what it is to be a man, because I'm a woman. My rejection of him sexually, made him feel unloved. Unlovable. I can cook his meals, wash his socks, and put in a twice monthly appearance in the bedroom, but he won't feel LOVED unless he's sexually DESIRED.

 

And:

 

The trouble with alot of sexual problems, as you probably know, is the way men and women differ in what their truest needs are. Most women need emotional closeness to feel sexual toward their partners. Most men need sex to feel an emotional bond. I'm sure you've heard that many times before. The problem seems unsolvable because it's a circle that doesn't seem to have a beginning or end. That is, until somebody realizes that they have to GIVE IN, and voila, there is the

beginning.

 

In my case it was me who changed my thinking to more closely resemble his. Not an easy task, I had to try to learn something about the way men think, and more importantly, to accept that despite all my effort, I'd never have it exactly right.

 

And:

 

What I had failed to consider of course, were HIS feelings. Men are soooooooo much different in this than women, like they're not even speaking the same language as we are. This sexual rejection hurts them so keenly, I think, because their very self-image is somehow connected to thier sexual prowess. It's part of who they are at an elemental level, and inseparable from their internal identity.

 

When you reject him sexually, you reject him totally, because it's an integral part of WHO HE IS. His hurt and pain come out as anger, and the more he acts out the more rejection he suffers. Viscious cycle. And as it goes on, his self-esteem takes a brutal beating and so does his sexual performance as he worries that maybe she doesn't want him because he's not good enough to please her. Add performance anxiety, and up the ante. The communication problems get worse, and so it goes.

 

Now, that's alot of info for a woman to wrap her mind around! Oh, and I apologize for quoting myself, but it saves me alot of typing!

 

The important part about all that is that she just doesn't see the problem in the same light that you do. Once she can make these mental connections then she will be able to see that her inattention is really HURTING you. She probably doesn't UNDERSTAND that, even though you've very likely told her so.

 

So, you're not a perv. You just need to find a way to get your message through to her in terms that she can understand.

 

Check out Flavius' thread on the Male Sex Drive and Female Sexual Ambivalence. There's alot of good insight in that discussion.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49416/15-1