he is driving me crazy

[frustrated buttercup]

OK I am frustrated, tired of waiting for this guy I have been seeing for a couple of months to take some action on his words. He had told me about a month ago that he needed to step back and "evaluate his feelings" due to some things going on in his life. He has explained more of this to me since then and it is a combination of several things. He told me flat out that he doesn't know if he wants to be with anyone right now. He told me about another girl he was seeing prior to me that wants him back too. Since he just graduated he is in "Career Mode". He may have to move away for a job. He also says that he IS interested in me and that he cares about my feelings. He says it is best if we don't have sex anymore since it may complicate things emotionally for us. He says he would try to resist me... he still comes on to me though. He agreed with me when I said i wanted to spend more time with him, but I haven't seen the time yet. That was a week ago. We were supposed to have a date last weekend, but it didn't happen. How do you explain mixed signals? When we are together, I am the only girl he is focused on, 100% into me. I am completely confident when we are together that it will work out. Would a guy keep me in his life if he had no intentions of more? He really is a good guy, but honestly I am not getting all of what I want out of this. I feel that maybe I should be a little patient and it will all work out but then I feel so frustrated that I just want to yell at him and end it. If I did that, I would feel guilty that I am responsible for ending something that could've been great. I don't want to be alone either. Help me...

[frustrated buttercup]

Tony, I read your response to "How Long To Wait" and it really made sense to me. I suppose I should just let it all out. I just don't want to feel that pit at the bottom of my stomach, that guilt, that hurt, that rejection. Maybe a question for you would be, what is the best way to approach someone who isn't too sure? Of course, I want this to all be in my favor. Maybe I should just back off.. I don't know. I hate worrying about this.

OK I am frustrated, tired of waiting for this guy I have been seeing for a couple of months to take some action on his words. He had told me about a month ago that he needed to step back and "evaluate his feelings" due to some things going on in his life. He has explained more of this to me since then and it is a combination of several things. He told me flat out that he doesn't know if he wants to be with anyone right now. He told me about another girl he was seeing prior to me that wants him back too. Since he just graduated he is in "Career Mode". He may have to move away for a job. He also says that he IS interested in me and that he cares about my feelings. He says it is best if we don't have sex anymore since it may complicate things emotionally for us. He says he would try to resist me... he still comes on to me though. He agreed with me when I said i wanted to spend more time with him, but I haven't seen the time yet. That was a week ago. We were supposed to have a date last weekend, but it didn't happen. How do you explain mixed signals? When we are together, I am the only girl he is focused on, 100% into me. I am completely confident when we are together that it will work out. Would a guy keep me in his life if he had no intentions of more? He really is a good guy, but honestly I am not getting all of what I want out of this. I feel that maybe I should be a little patient and it will all work out but then I feel so frustrated that I just want to yell at him and end it. If I did that, I would feel guilty that I am responsible for ending something that could've been great. I don't want to be alone either. Help me...

[Michelle]

You know, I was in a two year relationship, and I will tell you that a lot of similar things happened. In fact he told me that he didn't know if he would ever get married again, etc....

 

I chose to keep hanging with him, and for a while our relationship picked up steam. In fact everyone around us told us how different things seemed and how he seemed to have changed...

 

So, long story short, we went on a trip, and when we got back, he freaked out. He did a complete 180, he said that sex was complicating things, etc. So within two months from that we were broken up. This after our relationship actually seemed SERIOUS.

 

So, I will tell you what I read on this board. A wise woman on here wrote that, we should actually LISTEN to guys when they are saying that they dont' have what it takes to commit.... they want to step back, etc..... We choose to think that just because the relationship is good when we are with them, that if we are patient, things will change...

 

Well, here's the deal. He likes you. He likes spending time with you. But he is not ready or willing to make the commitment even to simply DATING you. So step back. Consider this a waste of time. You will be soooooooo surprised at how quickly you will get over him. This board helped me a lot.

 

Men will not take the relationship forward until they feel settled and the need to take it there. He clearly is absolutely, 100% not in that camp.

 

You are setting yourself up to be hurt and not seeing this clearly at all.

[Tony T]

You've been dating this guy for two months and you are putting pressure on him in the relationship. For some guys that's way too soon. You haven't put all the details here but many guys just wouldn't be attracted to a situation where the girl wants to get "serious" that fast, especially since he has already gotten all the benefits that getting "serious" would give him.

 

The guy's not confused, he just not challenged. He wants what's not in his reach. And you want him because he's not in your reach.

 

I think this guy is jerking you around regardless. When a guy starts talking to you about his ex wanting him back...and starts talking about himself not being sure...that's time to consider the relationship.

 

However, you have made really good progress in just two months. It is not unreasonable to wait six months or more for more of a "committment." If the two of you are only seeing each other exclusively, that sounds like a committment to me. In that case, what this sounds like is a break up.

 

I think you have played your cards wrong here. Next time, don't press a guy for a committment for at the very least four months...and then don't be pushy about it.

[Deejette]

You don't have to wait for him, he has already told you what's up, but it is too hard for you to accept. So you think he is jerking you around, when really he has told you plainly how he feels. He has even spoken of cutting out the sex.

 

You say, "He agreed with me when I said i wanted to spend more time with him, but I haven't seen the time yet." The idea to spend more time together did not come from him, it came from you, and like the cowardly guys who say, "I'll call you," after a date with no intention of doing so, he was placating you for the time being.

OK I am frustrated, tired of waiting for this guy I have been seeing for a couple of months to take some action on his words. He had told me about a month ago that he needed to step back and "evaluate his feelings" due to some things going on in his life. He has explained more of this to me since then and it is a combination of several things. He told me flat out that he doesn't know if he wants to be with anyone right now. He told me about another girl he was seeing prior to me that wants him back too. Since he just graduated he is in "Career Mode". He may have to move away for a job. He also says that he IS interested in me and that he cares about my feelings. He says it is best if we don't have sex anymore since it may complicate things emotionally for us. He says he would try to resist me... he still comes on to me though. He agreed with me when I said i wanted to spend more time with him, but I haven't seen the time yet. That was a week ago. We were supposed to have a date last weekend, but it didn't happen. How do you explain mixed signals? When we are together, I am the only girl he is focused on, 100% into me. I am completely confident when we are together that it will work out. Would a guy keep me in his life if he had no intentions of more? He really is a good guy, but honestly I am not getting all of what I want out of this. I feel that maybe I should be a little patient and it will all work out but then I feel so frustrated that I just want to yell at him and end it. If I did that, I would feel guilty that I am responsible for ending something that could've been great. I don't want to be alone either. Help me...

[rational buttercup]

Well, I slept on it and also read your responses. THANK you all for helping. You're right. I know deep down what I have to do. This isn't easy at all. What I am going to post next is a copy of the note that I will either give to him or what I will say to him. Whatever comes first. I just have to get this off my chest a.s.a.p.

 

Read this: Tell me what you think. Any advice would be appreciated. I'm doing this Today.

 

Hello, Just a quick note to let you know what's up with us. Don't worry, it will be relief for both of us. OK. So, when we first started talking, you said that hopefullly, I would fall head over heels for you. So, I did! But you have made it extrememly clear that you don't want that now. Verbally, you have really sugar-coated this for me and I do appreciate it, but I can still see very clearly that right now we are not meeting eachothers needs. This hurts and is tearing me up. So I am going to have to separate myself from you. Now listen! You are such an awesome guy, very special, prime qualities. I care about you. Please know that if you need me, call me. Good news, bad news, anything. Right now, you need this time, I understand. In the future, who knows. Should you be up to the challenge, please call me for a date. a week, a month, two months. Ok? Do what you have to do.

 

Until then, Love M.

OK I am frustrated, tired of waiting for this guy I have been seeing for a couple of months to take some action on his words. He had told me about a month ago that he needed to step back and "evaluate his feelings" due to some things going on in his life. He has explained more of this to me since then and it is a combination of several things. He told me flat out that he doesn't know if he wants to be with anyone right now. He told me about another girl he was seeing prior to me that wants him back too. Since he just graduated he is in "Career Mode". He may have to move away for a job. He also says that he IS interested in me and that he cares about my feelings. He says it is best if we don't have sex anymore since it may complicate things emotionally for us. He says he would try to resist me... he still comes on to me though. He agreed with me when I said i wanted to spend more time with him, but I haven't seen the time yet. That was a week ago. We were supposed to have a date last weekend, but it didn't happen. How do you explain mixed signals? When we are together, I am the only girl he is focused on, 100% into me. I am completely confident when we are together that it will work out. Would a guy keep me in his life if he had no intentions of more? He really is a good guy, but honestly I am not getting all of what I want out of this. I feel that maybe I should be a little patient and it will all work out but then I feel so frustrated that I just want to yell at him and end it. If I did that, I would feel guilty that I am responsible for ending something that could've been great. I don't want to be alone either. Help me...

[Deejette]

This is a great letter but I think you should not send it to him. It is good for you to get it off your chest, but why is it so important for him to know that you are letting him "Do what he's gotta do?" Or how much suffering this whole thing is causing you?

 

He also has your number and knows how to get hold of you if he needs to, so you don't need to extend the invitation for him to call you.

 

This may be hard for you, because we are all compelled to have our say. But my advice is to purge yourself of these feelings through writing about them and then tear up the letter.

Well, I slept on it and also read your responses. THANK you all for helping. You're right. I know deep down what I have to do. This isn't easy at all. What I am going to post next is a copy of the note that I will either give to him or what I will say to him. Whatever comes first. I just have to get this off my chest a.s.a.p. Read this: Tell me what you think. Any advice would be appreciated. I'm doing this Today. Hello, Just a quick note to let you know what's up with us. Don't worry, it will be relief for both of us. OK. So, when we first started talking, you said that hopefullly, I would fall head over heels for you. So, I did! But you have made it extrememly clear that you don't want that now. Verbally, you have really sugar-coated this for me and I do appreciate it, but I can still see very clearly that right now we are not meeting eachothers needs. This hurts and is tearing me up. So I am going to have to separate myself from you. Now listen! You are such an awesome guy, very special, prime qualities. I care about you. Please know that if you need me, call me. Good news, bad news, anything. Right now, you need this time, I understand. In the future, who knows. Should you be up to the challenge, please call me for a date. a week, a month, two months. Ok? Do what you have to do. Until then, Love M.

[rational buttercup]

Deejette, HI! You do have some valid points. I have already called him to let him know I have something good to tell him. I, personally need closure. I suppose I can leave out the you can call me part etc. but I have to do the rest. Thanks...

OK I am frustrated, tired of waiting for this guy I have been seeing for a couple of months to take some action on his words. He had told me about a month ago that he needed to step back and "evaluate his feelings" due to some things going on in his life. He has explained more of this to me since then and it is a combination of several things. He told me flat out that he doesn't know if he wants to be with anyone right now. He told me about another girl he was seeing prior to me that wants him back too. Since he just graduated he is in "Career Mode". He may have to move away for a job. He also says that he IS interested in me and that he cares about my feelings. He says it is best if we don't have sex anymore since it may complicate things emotionally for us. He says he would try to resist me... he still comes on to me though. He agreed with me when I said i wanted to spend more time with him, but I haven't seen the time yet. That was a week ago. We were supposed to have a date last weekend, but it didn't happen. How do you explain mixed signals? When we are together, I am the only girl he is focused on, 100% into me. I am completely confident when we are together that it will work out. Would a guy keep me in his life if he had no intentions of more? He really is a good guy, but honestly I am not getting all of what I want out of this. I feel that maybe I should be a little patient and it will all work out but then I feel so frustrated that I just want to yell at him and end it. If I did that, I would feel guilty that I am responsible for ending something that could've been great. I don't want to be alone either. Help me...

[Deejette]

Good, SmartButtercup! I think you have reached a good compromise. Gaining closure is important too and I understand completely! However, I must advise you not to grill him too much for reasons why, because whatever he says you will want to mentally contradict and it will haunt your thoughts. It is best to proceed with the course of action that you know will give you the most peace of mind.

Deejette, HI! You do have some valid points. I have already called him to let him know I have something good to tell him. I, personally need closure. I suppose I can leave out the you can call me part etc. but I have to do the rest. Thanks...