How do you forgive and let go?

[I-want-to-be-happy]

Hi everyone,

I wondering if someone could give me some advice?

I will tart by shading a little light on my situation.

I am wondering how to forgive and to be not so needy.

My husband and I have been together since I was 16 I am 25 now

so nearly 10 years we had one child and one on the way when we got married

any how the hurt started on our weeding night , after we got married he went off with his friend and showed up to the reception late granted it was just a small one with family and some close friends. any how after that he left the reception with his friend and I did not see him that night until midnight and he showed up with this guy (who was the ministers son) and did not leave until 1am we went to a hotel did our thing and for the rest of the night he stayed on the couch until it was check out time. Than he left for Korea 2 days after we were married (he is in the army) when he would call me from there all we would do is fight. this is how our marriage has been To me it feels like he can never put me first. He thinks I am just being selfish and needy.We live in Germany now and it seems like myself and the kids are just in his way of a happy life he could have without us. He never wants to have I have to presue him and try before he gets interested , and than its like it is only about him.

He never wants to do anything for me but when it comes to a friend he jumps right up and is there for them 100 % . He hardly wants to talk unless he is telling me to do something or asking if I have done it , he thinks him being in the house watching tv or sleeping on the couch is speeding quality time together. In all fairness he has been trying alittle and he told me that me yelling and always wanting something is part of the reason he is the way he is

So my question is How do I Let it all go all the times he has hurt me and was never there for me so we can have a second chance with out the past being haunting us like some evil recurring night mare?

[sami]

If he believes you and the kids are on his way to happiness then you need to sit down and talk. What happiness means to him?

[Ladyjane14]

Military service can instill a certain sense of comaraderie in people, and it looks like your husband was predisposed to that anyway. It doesn't help that y'all have PCS'd overseas and you probably don't have many people to rely on for friendship and support.

 

It's no wonder that you are feeling left out and underprioritized in his life.

 

In answer to your question about letting the events of the past go, you have to CLEAN THE SLATE. What that means is that you and he together must decide to begin anew, and let every transgression of the past fall away. You must release your built-up resentments, and that means BOTH of you. Then you have to remind yourselves DAILY that you chose to forgive.

 

That's not going to be easy in your case, because the issues still appear to be on-going. He has to be willing to recognize his previous behavior as a problem in order to correct it, and it doesn't sound like he thinks he has one. (And you have to do the same in answer to any issue that he has with you.)

 

It sounds like your problems are mostly communication problems. I think that if you will both really listen to one another and then try to meet each other's needs, you'll likely work it all out before it gets worse. Try to repeat and rephrase when you are talking in order to maximize your understanding of the other person's issues. Don't be drawn off topic by issues from the past, and don't try to 'build Rome in a day'! Tackle one issue at a time.

 

Good luck, hon.

[I-want-to-be-happy]

Thank you gave some good advice.

I will try again but this time be a little more open minded to his side

I just feel like I am the only one who wants to work things out.

But once again thankyou

[Owl]

Hey I-want-to-be-happy...

 

Having read your post, I'm wondering if your husband really understands how desperate you feel in your marriage? It sounds like you've tried to tell him, but that the message doesn't seem to be getting across. Here's my recommendation. Either go to ACS (Army Community Services), and see if you can talk with a counselor to assist with marriage issues, or if you're not comfortable with that, then go to your battallion's chaplain, and set up a one on one session with him. You CAN do either of these without your husband's knowledge or permission. What should happen is that they'll counsel you (which it sounds like you could use a lot, even if just to have someone to talk with), and then discuss with you options, like bringing you and your husband together for counseling. They chaplain can provide you non-denominational counseling. If you're not comfortable with what he says/provides, he should be able to give you some other options for counseling and assistance from him. These could include counseling provided by the military hospital, or perhaps even a referral to someone out on the economy.

 

Good luck to you. I really think having someone who can help you with this more "face to face" will help too, but keep posting here to let us know how things go for you!!