Need help or advice ASAP... from men or women..

[Blindedbylove]

I am seeing someone who lives just a few hours away. We have only been talking for a month and perhaps a couple weeks. He just came to visit again this weekend. We got caught up in the moment and had sex. He has mentioned before that he is now looking for the 'right one' and he feels there is alot of potential. Accidentally speaking my mind when perhaps I should not have, I spoke the words, under my breath, that I could see myself having his children. I never meant for him to hear this, but also, most women must have these crazy thoughts and dreams. Anyhow, he had emailed me when he got back home stating that this scared him a little and we need to talk. I don't know what he plans on saying or doing. I don't want to lose him, because I just have a really good feeling about him.

I guess I am wondering if what I said is going to ruin things. He mentioned it is NOT okay to say these things so early in the relationship. What do I say or do?

Advice from men would be nice as well.

[bluechocolate]

He is absolutely right. That's enough to send any reasonable person a million miles in the other direction.

 

Accidentally speaking my mind when perhaps I should not have, I spoke the words, under my breath, that I could see myself having his children. I never meant for him to hear this, but also, most women must have these crazy thoughts and dreams.

 

Tell him that. Try to assure him that you completely understand that there's a lot more "getting to know you" to go on before you can realistically expect to be in that position - you were simply daydreaming aloud.

 

And try very hard not to do that again.

[sami]

Just relax and simply tell him that you want to take time too in order to see for yourself and then decide on such serious issues. You also need to tell him that you quite understand his position that it is still too early for anyone of you to say anything like what you had said. Assure him what you had said was out of the heat of the moment. This guy is feeling you out through uncommitted early moments of male-female intimacy w/o any serious family ties from his part. Enjoy the highway ride but pay the toll.

[Blindedbylove]

Thanks blue chocolate and sami. Can I ask one question to both of you..as men, if you were to hear those words come from someone you are just beginning to see...what would your reaction be? And if possible, can any of you tell me what you would hear from 'her' that would make you understand and continue the relationship? I'm really scared, because for the first time in my life, I feel good about this person.

Thank you in advance.

[bluechocolate]

if you were to hear those words come from someone you are just beginning to see...what would your reaction be?

 

Honestly - I would be very concerned. I've been involved with someone for years now, but I had a rule that in the first 2 to 3 months it wasn't exclusive & there was no "us" as yet. So by month three I'm only going to decide if I'm ready to stop dating other people for the sake of starting "something", but there is still a big question mark on that "something". You've been talking for a month & perhaps a couple of weeks & let slip that you're hearing wedding bells & having babies. You see where I'm going here?

 

what you would hear from 'her' that would make you understand and continue the relationship?

 

I honestly don't know. It would have to be words & actions. If someone was "needy" & "clingy" & started saying stuff like that I would walk away. It's a sign of emotional immaturity to get attached so fast to someone who is still, in many ways, a complete stranger to you.

 

Be honest with him. As I said before, try to assure him that you completely understand that there's a lot more "getting to know you" to go on before you can realistically expect to be in that position & at this stage it is still quite possible that you'll never get there - you were simply daydreaming aloud & would take it back if you could. Tell him you hope that it doesn't scare him away but you understand why it might - & then step back for a bit & see how long it takes him to get back to you.

 

I hope things work out for you both.

[Boogie]

I'm sort of in the same position with someone with whom I've been talking for a few months, ie she and I have talked about the future and things we would like to do down the road...but we both know these are hopes and ideals and goals, not part of a script.

 

As indicated in the other posts, you should let him know you would like to get to know him better and you weren't/aren't expecting him to propose, but that you simply like a lot about him and could see moving forward in the future. Putting a timeline or constraints on a relationship that has just started is a mistake, but setting goals and knowing where you'd like to be in a few years (with him, married, kids, etc.) isn't unreasonable, except if it's plotted out on a calendar.

 

Basically, if I was with someone "newish" and they said to me what you said to him, I'd be flattered but also a bit cautious. Let him know you're not expecting the whole package tomorrow, but that you do like him and want to get to know him better and could see this being something great. If he really was spooked, and these things (marriage, a life together and kids) are scaring him, then keep in mind that either it's way too quick to mention any of this (a possibility) or that he's not interested in the same things you are. Unless you are calling him a half-dozen times a day and he's not in the same frame of mind, if he bolts b/c of what you slipped and said, then he did you a favor. But because of the newness of the relationship, it wouldn't shock me if he wanted to just set some boundaries so you both don't go too far too fast.