Boyfriend makes secret plans, is evasive

[CatGirlz]

My boyfriend of the past six months went to meet up with a running group in my town today and basically lied by omission about it. He lives 45 minutes away and I always tell him when I will be in his neighborhood so we can get together if possible.

 

I knew this event was occurring but he didn't tell me he was going. I texted him and asked what he was up to. He just mentioned working on the house and hoped we could get together later this weekend. I drove by a few hours later and his car was there, 2 miles from my house.

 

He has been secretive about this group in the past and I don't like it. I found out he actually had members if the group stay over his place one night (yes girls too). The Meetup page mentions pitching tents in his yard.

 

Then the week after that he went out of town with another woman which I figured out from Facebook and meetup. It was the day before my birthday and we had plans the next day. I texted him and said "if you are seeing another woman from this group I never want to see you again". He denied it.

 

I think this is all very suspicious but honestly I think he might just have a secretive personality. He said he likes to keep things compartmentalized. I have a hard time thinking he's a low life cheater. Honestly he isn't that suave. But I don't want to be a dumb ass either. Opinions?

Edited September 1, 2013 by CatGirlz
Typos

[Space Ritual]

My boyfriend of the past six months went to meet up with a running group in my town today and basically lied by omission about it. He lives 45 minutes away and I always tell him when I will be in his neighborhood so we can get together if possible.

 

I knew this event was occurring but he didn't tell me he was going. I texted him and asked what he was up to. He just mentioned working on the house and hoped we could get together later this weekend. I drove by a few hours later and his car was there, 2 miles from my house.

 

He has been secretive about this group in the past and I don't like it. I found out he actually had members if the group stay over his place one night (yes girls too). The Meetup page mentions pitching tents in his yard.

 

Then the week after that he went out of town with another woman which I figured out from Facebook and meetup. It was the day before my birthday and we had plans the next day. I texted him and said "if you are seeing another woman from this group I never want to see you again". He denied it.

 

I think this is all very suspicious but honestly I think he might just have a secretive personality. He said he likes to keep things compartmentalized. I have a hard time thinking he's a low life cheater. Honestly he isn't that suave. But I don't want to be a dumb ass either. Opinions?

 

I can't stress enough to people in situations like this that when someone shows you who they are, by all means believe them.

 

One instance like this is one thing, but by what you wrote I would not waste an ounce of energy on this guy.

[CatGirlz]

So then you think his is the "tip of the iceberg"?

 

I keep going back and forth. I'm not a runner so I can't participate in his group. So if he wants to do this thing without me... not a big deal.

 

But on the flip it's the opposite if open, honest communication.

[NomiMalone]

How hard is it to tell your girlfriend you are going running??

 

Firstly, sounds like he likes to keep things very "compartmentalised" indeed... and even if he's not up to no good, his lack of desire/ability to communicate in a normal, open way with you is a huge red flag for your relationship. For starters, the stress alone would eat you up inside - how many other incidents of this sort has he hidden from you by omission? Do you really want a simple, "what are you up to this weekend?" to turn into a cause for suspicion?

 

And going out of town with another woman alone is grounds for breaking up!!

 

So I'd say kick him to the curb.

[SoleMate]

Once it becomes clear he drives 45 minutes to where you live but makes a point of avoiding you and lying about it, that's pretty much all you need to know. The strong likelihood that he is chasing and/or has already successfully caught one or more women in the "running"group is just the sleazy icing on a very nasty and dishonest cake. Since you can't trust him, I would say there is little point in sticking around to learn any more.

 

Not that it matters particularly, but is there any chance that you're not even the supposed prime GF being cheated on, but actually the OGF in this situation? Usually even a hardcore cheater is a little more upfront than this with his #1 woman. Whatever.

[crederer]

Did you give him a hard time in the past about this group when he was honest about it?

 

Not saying that's a good reason to lie about it now, just seems really weird he'd lie about such a trivial thing.

[nescafe1982]

I concur with the other posters,. but I would only like to add one more thing:

 

Relationships aren't a court of law. You don't need to collect and amalgamate conclusive "proof" that he's cheating in order to show him the door. The fact of the matter is a) he's being really shady, b) he's lying to you, c) you told him to stop it and start acting right, and d) he ignored your request.

 

IMO overnight trips with another woman is bad enough (that alone is a deal-breaker for me), but the fact that he lied to you about it? That guy deserves a swift kick to the curb.

 

But something I frequently notice about women who post here wondering if their guy is being unfaithful is the impulse to collect a MASSIVE amount of evidence: almost like the way these guys make us feel is less significant than giving them the "benefit of the doubt."

 

My takeway, then: if he makes you feel insecure about the relationship, if he's not trustworthy, if he's dishonest... he's not available for a relationship. He may be in a relationship with you... but he's not available to you. That's bad. Don't put yourself through it, don't build your case for cheating (or not cheating), and don't dismiss how his actions make you feel. If the guy doesn't treat you well, and shows no signs of changing, its time to leave.

 

Good luck out there!

[CatGirlz]

Thanks for all your responses. You made some very good points.

 

He came down last night and I let it all out. I thought it had been a hard conversation but that we made progress. But then this morning I got the "let's just be friends" text message.

 

So it's over and I guess that is for the best.

[nescafe1982]

Text message? He broke it off via text message? That is so incredibly weak... this person isn't a man.

 

I'm so sorry, OP, but I think you also realize you deserve so much better than this. Take your time to heal and don't even look back on this one... he's clearly nothing but a game-player.

[Space Ritual]

Thanks for all your responses. You made some very good points.

 

He came down last night and I let it all out. I thought it had been a hard conversation but that we made progress. But then this morning I got the "let's just be friends" text message.

 

So it's over and I guess that is for the best.

 

It is for the best, and he sent that text because he knew he was sunk. Please do yourself a favor after you have a little time to process it all and make him insignificant by deleting him from as much of your life as possible.

[CatGirlz]

He told me has was unsure what exactly our relationship was. Needless to say I disagree. I remember discussing exclusivity early on but apparently it was not clear to him.

 

I can't say that I am totally without some fault here. I was afraid to communicate some of these things I found out about because I was snooping online. So I let everything spew.

 

But still I think he should have been more upfront with me. He told me he has problems communicating and even being more than friends with women. I believe this because he is 43 and has never even lived with a woman.

 

We had a great connection in many ways. I wish I could have handled things differently going back a few weeks but then again he could have too.

[SoleMate]

Regardless of how expertly you communicated a few weeks ago, you could not possibly have changed a lying cheater into an honest faithful person, nor supplied relationship skills to a man who hasn't managed to develop them on his own in the past 43 years. So there's really nothing you could have done to improve this relationship (other than figure out to end it sooner, perhaps).

 

You can retain your fond memories of the good parts, but you might want to write down the bad parts just as a document (for your own exclusive use of course) you can refer to if you ever find yourself wavering on NC. I do recommend NC because given his issues, he won't be any better at being a "friend" than he was at being a boyfriend.

[tillybobs]

Hey hun,

 

Whilst I would not feel threatened by the him meeting with a running club, as its important that you both do your own thing and maintain your identity, however secretly meeting some random girl who he's befriended and clearly been interactive with on facebook...would make even the totally secure stop and wonder. all I would say is go with want you honestly feel inside. you know your guy and your relationship, how you met, how long you've been together and the dynamics of what clicks between you. Sadly I never listen to my own advise...however my rule of thumb is why would someone choose not to mention, if they have nothing to hide.

 

Sadly experience has always proven my theory to be right.

 

Good luck huni, its the hardest to even contemplate someone you care for would/could be deceptive, look at your whole relationship to see if either of you have changed in any significant way. have there been any similar previous situation that you just never noticed... Deep down you'll know, but that doesn't make it any easier to actually act upon it when its someone you love.

 

xx

 

My boyfriend of the past six months went to meet up with a running group in my town today and basically lied by omission about it. He lives 45 minutes away and I always tell him when I will be in his neighborhood so we can get together if possible.

 

I knew this event was occurring but he didn't tell me he was going. I texted him and asked what he was up to. He just mentioned working on the house and hoped we could get together later this weekend. I drove by a few hours later and his car was there, 2 miles from my house.

 

He has been secretive about this group in the past and I don't like it. I found out he actually had members if the group stay over his place one night (yes girls too). The Meetup page mentions pitching tents in his yard.

 

Then the week after that he went out of town with another woman which I figured out from Facebook and meetup. It was the day before my birthday and we had plans the next day. I texted him and said "if you are seeing another woman from this group I never want to see you again". He denied it.

 

I think this is all very suspicious but honestly I think he might just have a secretive personality. He said he likes to keep things compartmentalized. I have a hard time thinking he's a low life cheater. Honestly he isn't that suave. But I don't want to be a dumb ass either. Opinions?

[remorse]

Hey lovely,

 

I once had this problem with an ex-boyfriend, and I thought there was another woman- but as it turns out, he had a marijuana addiction he was hiding.

 

I think he is definetly hiding something- but make sure you consider other possibilities too?

xx

[CatGirlz]

It's funny... I was so afraid of losing him that I didn't speak up. So it all came out at once and he couldn't handle that and I lost him. But ironically I don't feel nearly as bad about it as I thought I would.

 

We've been texting and I told him to have fun at his weekend run. Then he told me where they were for the next two weeks if I wanted to "try it".

 

I wouldn't have cared about a simple running club but this one calls itself "a drinking club with a running problem" and seems more social than activity oriented. I think they get pretty wild which is why the secrecy bothered me. Especially the overnight trip with another woman.