Help for My Wife's Lack of Sex Drive

[HappyInNJ]

My wife and I have been talking about the quality and frequency of our sex life.

We have a very solid marriage, and love eachother very much, but there has not been much going on in the sex department for quite some time.

 

We had a "disagreement" over the weekend, and I was surprised what came out of our talk. She said that she feels like she could go on the rest of her life without sex, and that she just does not have any desire. It was no reflection on me, or my desire to pleasure other, but simply an answer to why, if we love eachother so much and all other areas of our marriage are solid, that we are not making love with any frequency.

 

I would be a liar if I said I was not sad and disappointed, but I heard what she was saying.

 

We have been married 10 years, and my wife is 45. We have two wonderful daughters, we both work full time, and are always on the run evenings and weekends. I get home much later than her usually, and most times I come home she is already in bed, tired and exhausted, mentally and physically.

She says she just does not have the energy.

 

She appologized and said again, it's not me, but that she also heard of a "miracle" pill for women (like Viagara for Men) that she would be willing to try.

I also think she is starting to feel the initial onset of menopause.

 

I know this is a common problem with women (especially after childbirth), but I am not ready to hang it up sexually, and although it's not as important to her, I know she is not either.

 

Please let me hear from people with similar experiences, and if there is a pill for women ( I have heard of women taking Viagara), but I am checking if anyone knows of such a pill for women. Thanks for listening!

[johnnyl321]

I can relate to how you feel. I'm in a relationship and it seems like our "lovelife" has its' ups and downs. It's the same with my girlfriend, by the time I get home, she's already asleep and not in the mood. Basically, someone's gotta take charge and or initiative. You could try both of you taking a 3 day weekend and getting away from the house and kids, that always seems to jumpstart our "activities" and usually it'll go strong at least for a few more months.

Personally, I think it's all the work and time involved with careers, homecare, child rearing, you know how it is. I do wish you the best of luck.

[HappyInNJ]

I can't believe this posting only generated one response?

[tattoomytoe]

well is she on any meds with sexual side effects?

[Nocturnalkitee]

It's amazing how some people feel that they are the only one in this type of situation. I have a lot of friends( in their late thirties) that feel the same as your wife. My best friend even said that she could go the rest of her life without sex. Me personally I find that hard to believe, but some people just feel that way.

 

Why not try what johnnyl321 suggested. A change of environment probably will do wonders for you both. Sometimes in a long term relationship people fall into a boring routine. It has nothing to do with being in love with each other. You just get tired of the some thing over, and over.

[HappyInNJ]

Thanks very much Nocturnalkitee and tattomytoe.

 

She is on a med, and I never thought of that (about side effects).

I took a med also and it had a very (shall we say) anti-male effect.

That is a good idea. She happens to be going to the Doctor next week for a check up. I will ask to to talk to the Doctor. (Thanks!)

 

Also (Nocturnalkitee), I can't believe that your best friend said she could go the rest of her life without sex. That is EXACTLY what my wife said.

I think the day to day is wearing everyone down.

 

I know I routinely work 70+ hours a week, and when I come home, I have to be a husband to my wife, and a Father to my children. Then, when the kids go to bed, I am mentally and physically exhausted. She feels the same way.

 

I think that women get the short end of that stick in that so many have careers, and then they have to come home, cook, clean, take the kids to soccer practice, etc, etc..Society expect the woman to do all the traditional roles and then fit in a full time career....

(by the way I am a husband who chips in with the chores...It's a team effort)

 

We did alot of talking, and our marriage will survive with no problem, because we have a deep and loving bond. Does it make me sad? Yes. Am I going to sit around and mope about it? No. We do other things on occassion.

 

And Johnny321; is absolutely correct. Yes, we do need more time away together.

And when we do get time, we really re-connect, however it is very difficult to go away on a whim, and it takes time planning and money, all of which always seem to be in short supply.

 

But thank you all for the feedback!

 

P.S. I guess there is no such pill for women like they have Viagara for men??

[SoleMate]

Please take a comprehensive approach, as detailed in The Sex Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis.

 

There are many possible causes, and many solutions.

[billswife]

I am sorry that I don't have any answers for you, but I wanted to let you know that I am in the same boat. My husband has a much lower sex drive than I do. We still do it, but maybe twice a month....I want more like 3x a week.

 

The daily grind is a killer, but he also is feeling unhealthy lately, and that adds to his lack of interest. He wanted more sex when he didn' t weigh 220 lbs.

[Matilda]

I have problems with my own sex drive, and there have been times in my marriage, when I really didn't care whether my husband and I had sex or not. I have been married 10 years, and I am 42. Things have been better for the most part in the past year. Things that helped:

 

1. Getting treatment for my depression. You have to be careful with depression meds though, some cause libido to drop. Also, going to therapy, for short time, helped a lot.

 

2. Really realizing that how important sex is to my husband. And realizing that I needed to take responsibility for increasing my sexual desire, and just not accept that it wasn't there.

 

3. Rediscovering my sexual side. I think that many women become mothers, and then life becomes all about the kids, home, school, and activities. It is hard to make time for yourself. You need to keep yourself emotionally healthy. Also, you need to realize that you are still an individual, not just a Mom, and you have a sexual side. I think it's important to try to go back to doing some of the things you did when you were younger that make you feel sexy. Like dressing sexier, maybe just sexy underwear, or reading an erotic book, or whatever. At first, it is almost an effort to do that, when you haven't been thinking that way for so long, but it begins to fee more natural after a while.

 

Husbands also play a role in a wife's sexual desire. There is some really good advice on <removed> about this. Here is a link to a question and answer on the site, that has some advice that should help you. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013b_qa.html

There are several more Q&A's on that site, on this topic so you might want to check those out as well.

 

As far as a Viagara like pill for women, I think that is still in the research phases. This recent article speaks to that. http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/mesa/articles/1110sr-aging08Z11.html

But, it would be definitely something to ask her doctor about, plus the doctor may want to check hormone levels and things like that.

 

This is a very common problem, I'm afraid. I think that's why you haven't gotten too many responses, because it has been talked about so much on this forum. You may want to do a search in the archives for other answers about this. I have also heard really good things about the book "The Sex Starved Marriage" that SoleMate recommended.

[dangel]

Originally posted by billswife

He wanted more sex when he didn' t weigh 220 lbs.

 

Not always the case though. My wife wants more sex now that she is quite overweight (240 pounds). She particularly likes to have sex after a big meal. Somehow her obesity has not diminished her libido.

[Owl]

It's a good thing that you thought about the meds having this kind of side affect. My wife and I recently went through a major issue in our marriage, where she began an emotional affair with an online friend...and when confronted about it packed up and moved to a motel until she could fly to be with him, although they had never met in person!

 

She didn't go...that's another story. But we did determine that a large part of what had led up to this situation was untreated depression. When we began reconciling and recovering our marriage, the sex was great at first. But then she began taking meds for depression, and its helped our marriage in a number of ways but one...you guessed it!

 

Its not quite as bad as in your case. She wants the closeness and enjoys it when we do make love...but doesn't have a need to "complete", nor does she really seek it out with me like she used to.

 

Its darn hard NOT to take that personally sometimes, even KNOWING that its the meds that are causing it. Especially when you pile that on top of trying to recover your marriage from what we went through.

[uberfrau]

Boo Hoo! Would you like a Kleenex?

 

Women aren't horny as often as men are. Get over it. Either jerk off, or go buy a hooker. Don't guilt her into taking some dangerous testosterone pill. She probably wouldn't like it anyway. They have side effects, like growing hair in unfeminine places.

 

Uh, she's 45-just remember, if YOU weren't in her life, she wouldn't have a 'problem' with her sex drive. It's only a problem because YOU make it a problem.

 

So your wife's on meds? She's screwed up anyway-don't make it worse by making this an issue.

[alphamale]

Dear HappyinNJ:

 

SO, wifey put an embargo on the nookie?

 

Ever try this approach? "Well honey you know I love you but sex is extremely impt to a man, and I am no different than any other man in this respect. If our marriage is going to be sex-less then I may have to go looking elsewhere for it"

 

Don't know, it's worth a try. Maybe it will wake her up.

 

One of the ideas behind marriage is to have a safe, regular sex partner who loves you.

[Karlise13]

What's your deal?

 

Jeez...hell of a way to show empathy.

 

Just to enlighten you, I AM A WOMAN and I have a huge sex drive. I could easily have sex once a day.

 

 

Anyway Happyin NJ, I sympathize.

 

From a woman's perspective,

the main thing that dampens my sex drive is routine. I hate to be bored and I hate same old same old.

 

Lately, my BF and I have talked about fantasies in more depth.

 

We've been together 4 years and our sex life is pretty good. But I think we need to throw a little spice into the mix.

 

Face it, if you're with one person the rest of your life some of that excitement can wear off. And exhaustion from the tedium of daily chores sure doesn't help.

 

Can you hire someone to help sit the kids, clean the house etc? If your wife has more time to spend on looking and feeling good, her libidio might improve.

 

Also, try doing new things. Join social clubs, try new hobbies, a fitness club, a couples weekend....ANYTHING different. It's rejuvenating!

 

Yeah, if my BF told me he didn't want sex anymore I'd be boo-hoo'ing for sure. Sex isn't just about getting your rocks off....it's a form of intimacy and some of us like it a hell of a lot!!!

[Owl]

LOL...hey Uberfrau...get tired of being bashed in the other forums, and decided to come her to be bashed too? If you wanna post advice, great. Otherwise, get a life, will ya?

 

Given your responses...I really just can't picture you as the "super wife/woman" that your name implies. Are you this acidic at home???

[loudog]

uberfrau typifies the attitude I see from many 40+ women.

 

Basically it’s their way or no way. Well with that attitude prevalent it’s not surprising the amount of older women that are left for younger women. It’s not just the fresh tight bodies the guys lust for… its the fresh young attitude lacking in so much cynicism and negative energy that is just overflowing from Uberfrau and others like her.

 

Jerk-off Get a hooker…why be married? Temporally maybe….long-term never

 

Life’s too short to stay in a miserable, loveless relationship I suggest some strong counseling and a chance for a weaning off of the meds. If nothing changes then make a change…while you still have an opportunity.

 

Good Luck