SpiralOut Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 I just got hurt very badly by a guy. I thought he was the one. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/421253-did-guy-just-play-mind-games-me I think this happened because I was in a vulnerable state of mind. I have been very lonely. I've been craving someone to like me for me, not just what I look like. This guy seemed to appreciate my mind, my personality, who I am as a person. He also had good qualities, that caused me to like him back. It is rare for me to like someone who likes me. I was like a starving person being fed a meal. I believe this wouldn't have happened had I not been starving. I could have seen the red flags. I could have protected myself. But instead I got hurt. I worry something like this may happen again. If I have what I need, I won't be so desperate to get it. But where else can I get what I need? I've been joining groups, trying to make friends, increase my confidence, do hobbies. I've tried dating others and couldn't find what I wanted. I don't know what else to do. I am lonely and vulnerable and I can't seem to change that. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 You saw the guy twice and built up a fantasy of how it was going to be. Next time remain a bit detached and more watchful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 That's true I did that. How embarrassing. I will be more wary next time. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 We can all be vulnerable in so many ways, but I think it most effects us when it culminates in needing simple validation. Im not that great at verbally expressing the way I feel, so .... For ME, I became less vulnerable when I began to be able to validate myself. It started there. I AM good enough. I AM smart enough. I have plenty to offer, I deserve to have what I need. Actually, I still struggle with the deserve part ...but I'm very solid on the others. It sounds easy, but it's more than just words, you have to believe it confidently. I like myself, I guess that's it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) You met a guy from out of town, had some fun, and then got hurt when he didn't want to continue the connection long distance with you. This hurt your feelings, and you wrote that you wanted to tell him that his behavior was wrong via text messages (per your linked post in another thread here). It's not really productive to berate a guy for not liking you back. I don't know how old you are, but not everyone you meet is going to feel the same. Once you accept that fact, then dating won't be such a stressful experience for you. I also think FitGirl is correct: you need to slow down with guys you meet and are attracted to. It's easy to get swept up in the moment esp. when there's strong chemistry. But that doesn't mean the feeling is always going to be mutual. You can't blame the guy if he doesn't return your feelings. All you can do is try again. That's the dating game; it's a process of elimination until you find a guy who returns your feelings and leaves no doubt in your mind that you found the right guy. I also want to say that 2sure is correct: you need to validate yourself first because no one, and I mean no one will ever give you the validation that you think you need. The more self-validated and self-confident that you are with your beliefs, values, and decisions in life, the less emotionally vulnerable you'll be in social and dating situations. Edited September 2, 2013 by writergal Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 We can all be vulnerable in so many ways, but I think it most effects us when it culminates in needing simple validation. Im not that great at verbally expressing the way I feel, so .... For ME, I became less vulnerable when I began to be able to validate myself. It started there. I AM good enough. I AM smart enough. I have plenty to offer, I deserve to have what I need. Actually, I still struggle with the deserve part ...but I'm very solid on the others. It sounds easy, but it's more than just words, you have to believe it confidently. I like myself, I guess that's it. How were you able to validate yourself? It feels like I've been trying to and getting nowhere. Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 I am lonely and vulnerable and I can't seem to change that. Any suggestions? My suggestion: put your faith in God. With an understanding of God's love and power, you'll see how much strength you really, TRULY possess. Plus, you're never alone when you realize God is always there, watching over and protecting you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 My suggestion: put your faith in God. With an understanding of God's love and power, you'll see how much strength you really, TRULY possess. Plus, you're never alone when you realize God is always there, watching over and protecting you. A few years ago I wouldn't have believed you. Lately though, I am starting to see the truth of this. I feel better when I pray. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) Just to clarify, I am looking for advice on how to be less vulnerable. I included the link to the other thread as I thought it may help to answer this thread. I am not looking to be criticized for things I said in that other thread. Edited September 2, 2013 by SpiralOut Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 A few years ago I wouldn't have believed you. Lately though, I am starting to see the truth of this. I feel better when I pray. I completely agree...praying has this incredible power to heal, calm, inspire, etc. Sometimes all we need to do is take some time on our busy days to listen to and connect with God. It really helps put everything into perspective. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 Just to clarify, I am looking for advice on how to be less vulnerable. I included the link to the other thread as I thought it may help to answer this thread. I am not looking to be criticized for things I said in that other thread. No one can validate your feelings about anything...esp. when it comes to being less vulnerable. Asking for advice on how to be less vulnerable is like asking someone to make your decisions for you. The only way you can be less vulnerable is by being less vulnerable. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 How do I stop being vulnerable? If it is really your intent to 'stop being vulnerable' then you should give up socializing on any level, for there is exactly no point to socializing without willing vulnerability. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 If it is really your intent to 'stop being vulnerable' then you should give up socializing on any level, for there is exactly no point to socializing without willing vulnerability. You know what, I agree with you on this. Link to post Share on other sites
mea_M Posted September 14, 2013 Share Posted September 14, 2013 Spiral, Honestly if you wish to be less vulnerable you need to dig deep. Get to know your innerself better. Its hard work but it can be done. I use to equate vulnerable to being like a doormat. And I was the queen of doormats:laugh: I hear and feel the place you are. You can change it though. My best to you. Mea:) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
patrol Posted September 14, 2013 Share Posted September 14, 2013 I don't think there's anything worthwhile in life that doesn't involve being a little vulnerable and putting yourself out there. That being said, seems like you have some deeper issues with self-esteem that might need to be worked on. The only people that feel love and belonging are the people who think they deserve it. Keep that in mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hppr Posted September 15, 2013 Share Posted September 15, 2013 You need things to occupy your time with. Pining away thinking that 'true love' with some dude will solve all your problems is a waste of that time. Job, education, hobbies. Something intellectually stimulating. That is what helps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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