can't get OM out of my mind

[Joyce]

Most of you probably know my history. I had an affair on my H. It lasted a little over a year and it was with a neighbor and friend of my H. I told my H about it a couple of months ago. We are working things out.

 

I feel so lucky to have someone as special as my H in my life. I admire him so much. He is so successful. He is so mature. He raised two kids by himself before he met me and he has learned the hard way how to be strong during difficult times. I am lucky that he still wants a life with me and that he still loves me.

My life would be so pointless if I did not have him or the kids in my life.

 

Now my problem is that even though I have a life that I appreciate I still think about the OM. He was such a big part of my life for so long. I used to send him email's all day at work. I would call him first thing in the morning. I spent any free time I had with him or talking to him. He knew I had a low self esteem he used to make me feel good about myself. Things ended on a very bad note with him. He started lying and well needless to say I got what I deserved. He moved on very quickly to someone else. I don't know what I expected out of having an affair.

 

Now I can not get this OM out of my head. I go to bed thinking about him... I wake up thinking about him. It is driving me insane. I know it doesn't help to live next door. I see him all the time. I see his gf all the time. I no longer want anything to do with him. I feel a lot of anger towards him. So why can't I find closure?

 

I know a lot of people speak about affairs as if they are addictions.. well I don't know if I feel this way because I feel addicted. I don't want him anymore. I don't know if I feel this way because I am jealous that he moved on. Or if it's because he promised me the world but only ended up hurting me. I feel used. Isn't that insane. I had the affair but yet I feel used! AAHH is all of this normal? If it is normal how do you get past it? Does it just take time?

 

I know moving would be the first thing I need to do. We are working on that. We look at houses every weekend. It will take some time to find one that we like and sale ours.

 

Sorry for the long post.. Thank you for reading this. It's been a very long and difficult last couple of months. Any advice is deeply appreciated.

[Owl]

Originally posted by Joyce

Now I can not get this OM out of my head. I go to bed thinking about him... I wake up thinking about him. It is driving me insane. I know it doesn't help to live next door. I see him all the time. I see his gf all the time. I no longer want anything to do with him. I feel a lot of anger towards him. So why can't I find closure?

 

I know a lot of people speak about affairs as if they are addictions.. well I don't know if I feel this way because I feel addicted. I don't want him anymore. I don't know if I feel this way because I am jealous that he moved on. Or if it's because he promised me the world but only ended up hurting me. I feel used. Isn't that insane. I had the affair but yet I feel used! AAHH is all of this normal? If it is normal how do you get past it? Does it just take time?

 

I know moving would be the first thing I need to do. We are working on that. We look at houses every weekend. It will take some time to find one that we like and sale ours.

 

Sorry for the long post.. Thank you for reading this. It's been a very long and difficult last couple of months. Any advice is deeply appreciated.

 

 

So, if you don't want to have back what you did, and you're not thinking about him the same way you did before, WHAT are you thinking about him at the times you mentioned? When you go to bed, what specifically are you thinking about the OM? If its something negative about him ("can't believe that jerk did this to me"), then I probably wouldn't worry as much. If its anything like "I miss talking with him", then I'd really have some concerns. I'd think about whatever it is that he used to provide that you still want/need...and talk with your husband to ensure that HE provides that need for you.

 

My first guess is that since it IS an addiction, the problem is that he's still "available" for you to go back to. You may not want to, but you still feel deep down inside that it's possible...and you remember how good it was when you two were together. It's like a recovering alcoholic living next door to a bar...see the parallel?

 

So, I really can't see anyway for your situation to get better while you're still living "next door to the bar". Moving needs to be a huge priority in your lives...in your husband's shoes, I'd even consider renting as opposed to buying, or in settling for something less than perfect, knowing that it's not permanent to get out of that situation as quickly as possible. Even I have to admire your husband...if my wife's OM were that close, I would have been in handcuffs a long time ago.

[Joyce]

Owl,

 

When I think about him it's not missing talking to him. It's anger and jealousy. I go over in my mind the things he said to me. He made so many promises that I foolishly believed. I did everything he asked of me. Even though it made my life hell. Sometimes I picture him with this other girl that he is with and I get jealous. I don't know why I get jealous.. I guess because he left me to be with her. Then I get angry at myself for thinking all of this. I have a husband that I want to be with. I should not be thinking or worrying about anyone else.

 

Things are getting better. My husband and I have a much better relationship. He is my best friend again. He would be so angry if he knew that I still get so angry and jealous over this OM. Who wouldn't be?

 

I know my husband is strong for living next door to him. I can't even imagine how he feels. I know we need to move. We are working on it. I have two large dogs so even finding a place to rent has been a little hard. Plus we can't decide where to move. We almost moved out of state. We want to get as far away as we possibly can.

[Owl]

Joyce-

 

The only thing I can think of to suggest for you is something that I've tried to do for myself to get over my wife's emotional affair... A lot of times when I start thinking about what happened then, or how I feel about what happened, I try to "slip" my thoughts into something more pleasant. For example, if I think about "how unhappy my wife was, and so she started IMing the OM...", I try to immediately amend the thought to include "but look at how happy she is with US now". Something our counselor suggested that has had some limited success with me. I'm not sure how my wife dealt with thoughts of her OM. Its something she doesn't like to discuss, so we don't talk about it much.

 

Good luck friend...and hang in there. I really feel that you and your husband love each other enough to make it through this...just hold on until you reach the point where he's not there to constantly remind you of what went on everyday when you see him.

[Joyce]

Thank you Owl. I really appreciate all the advice you have given. I am glad you made it through your D day. You are such a strong person. Your wife is a very lucky gal.