A second chance is possible...

[hopeExists]

Hey Everyone,

 

I think this is my first post to this site, but for a while, I would come to this site and read all the different posts regarding break ups and second chances. Mine is a happy one because I did receive my second chance yesterday. I can only post my own experience, but I cannot guarantee the same will happen for you. I post this not because I wanted to, but because I thought it may help others see another perspective from someone who might be in the same position. I only wish you the best, and hopefully you'll find happiness again, with or without your SO.

 

Background: I had been with my girlfriend for close to 6 years. I'm 25 now, she's 23. We both loved each other. Of course you have the occasional fight here and there. I admit I had a lot of flaws in the relationship, the biggest getting mad sometimes over the littlest things. I never knew how much she was bothered by things because she kept it all inside. If I asked if things were ok, I was always lead on to believe everything was going great. She said this because she thought she could just brush it off, that it was just a little doubt. But bottle up little things more and more...and soon you have a big problem. But I was in the dark, and that is why my breakup was all the more a shocker, and most hurtful to me. Out of nowhere in July, she tells me she really needs time and space away from me...not a break...actual time and space for her to figure out things. Also heard the...it's not you it's me line. So we were breaking up.

 

O man, that had to be the hardest thing to hear, and furthermore, the hardest thing I ever had to go through. Saying the hardest thing was an understatement. I mean, this is the person I really believed I could spend the rest of my life with. We sometimes talked about marriage...names for our kids. You know...all those things you do when you are in love. She was not only my gf, but my best friend. The one person who knew me the best, the person who has shared in my biggest accomplishments...was leaving me. She was my everything for the last 6 years, my true happiness. What was I to do?

 

Actions: Ok, name anything you could do to get someone back, I did it. I cried, begged, pleaded for just one more chance. Flowers, balloons, gifts...etc. Everything...I tried to do it. Tried to make her remember how happy she used to be with me, all our wonderful memories. Everything I did, why wasn't it working? You know, you can only cry so much, but after a while you come to realize nothing you're doing is going to change that person's mind. So this lasted for about a month.

 

I finally came to realize something. Love. I know I loved her more than anything in this world. You have to really know what Love is to do what I did and be at peace with yourself. To Love someone does not mean you love them for what they can give you, but to love them unconditionally regardless what they can give to you. I knew in my heart I loved this girl so much that all I wanted was for her to be happy. I told her that as long as she was happy with her decision (1 month since we broke up), that I would take a step back and let her do her own thing. I made it perfectly clear that anytime she needed something from me, I would always be there for her. But instead of me crowding her space, I would finally limit my contact with her so she could really think what she wanted.

 

That was definately very hard to do, but you have to believe that you are doing one last thing for that person you love. You are giving her what she wants because you love her, and her happiness means everything to you. And if you're religious pray. I honestly and truthfully prayed every day...not only that we would end up together, but for her happiness even if it meant not being with me.

 

Coping: Ok, many people on here have a lot of good advice. But I'll tell you what worked for me. First, I limited contact with my ex. Many people say no contact works, but for some reason I chose limited contact. Limited contact for me meant occaisional chatting online, rarely talking on the phone, and not seeing each other in person. You just have to go with your gut instinct on what's best for your situation. Talk to your SO and see what's acceptable. For us, we were at least trying to be friends so some contact was ok. BUT, make it a point to talk nothing about the relationship. Keep things neutral all the way, and if you can't, it's time to end the conversation.

 

Another big thing you need to do is occupy as much time of yours as you can. Do not think of just losing that person. (Yes, it is very very very difficult...but it's necessary to do in the healing process) What I did was start exercising a lot...just doing a lot of jogging. I got my body in shape...not that I was out of shape, but just losing the love handles from 6 years of not working out. It really helped me feel healthier, and it seems to relieve a lot of stress. By exercising, you do yourself a great service by getting healthier, looking better, and just occupying that precious time of yours.

 

Also, hang out with true friends. True friends will talk to you and help you through your hard time, and give you encouragement and support. For me, I didn't have as much time to hang out with my friends because I would always spend most of my time with my gf. So it's nice to be with your friends and just hanging out.

 

Another very important thing, you need to meet new people. Meet new people with the intention of just making a friend, unless you are really ready to start a new relationship. It's not fair for the new person if they really are into you, and you're not. If you really want your SO back...no rebounds! That is not a good idea. But make new friends like I did, and it really really helps get your mind thinking new things other than just your ex.

 

My Second Chance: Back to my story. So I started working on myself, realizing my problems in the relationship. At least now, I can honetly look at my faults in the realationship and learn from them. At the very least, I don't make these same mistakes going into a new relationship. I also started meeting new people and hanging out with them...and before you know it...life isn't so terrible anymore. You realize that you are a good person and it may well be possible to meet someone new you can connect with. So it has been 3 months now and I meet someone new I really enjoy spending time with. We're just friends and I don't do anything to jeopardize that, but it is nice having this new friend. So maybe 2 weeks later my ex finds out and seems to take notice I'm doing okay. She's happy for me. So say another 2 weeks go by...and then for the first time in a long time...I ask my ex if she wanted to go hang out. Wow, she wanted to! TOTALLY innocent...just to hang out as friends. We do...and then that night we start talking and we realize that we do still like each other. She says her wake up call was realizing she might have lost me...and she didn't want to. She says she is ready and is willing to give us another chance. I too. So a couple days later...and I'm getting the second chance I really thought I wouldn't get. (4 months have passed since breaking up) We plan on taking things slow...but it's a start and we're together again. A very nice start. =)

 

!!!: One thing that is very important if you plan on taking a second chance. I understand she left me. I also understand that she can do that again. But you have to make a decision if a second chance is worth getting burned again. You have to decide if you can forgive and forget...understanding you have to start with a clean slate. If you start with all your emotions lingering from the breakup, thinking of the breakup will consume you and make you paranoid, and I just don't think you are ready for that second chance. Make sure you are ready first...real ready to accept a second chance. That's what I had to really think about. I am at peace with myself to accept being hurt again...but at the same time I get back the possibility of feeling real happy again and to see if things work out...if she'll be my ONE.

 

Again, this is a situation unique to me. I hope you have good fortunes with your SO to work things out. Goodluck to you and again, I hope you'll find happiness again...no wait...I know you'll find happiness again.

[jcs0521]

That's really great to hear, good luck

 

Given me a bit of hope

[PhotoGuy]

That is great, great news. It sounds like you are very clear headed about this, and I wish you the best of luck.

 

To quell your fears about her leaving again, look at it this way. You took the chance on love when you first met and pursued her, you two clicked and hit it off, and had a wonderful relationship. Now you are working on getting back together. Slow is the best way to go, because you are kind of starting over again. But you are open to that, it sounds like you aren't holding any bitter feelings which is awesome. It doesn't sound as though you want to be back with her because you are scared, and it doesn't sound like she came back because she was scared. That is true love, weathering time apart like that can be the best thing to happen to a relationship, as long as there are no grudges held.

 

I am kind of in the same boat, girl of 7.5 years freaked and needed time and space and got confused. I am also doing limited contact and when we talk it's as nuetral terriotry as it can be, shes always the one crying and talking about the relationship, and I just listen. My solace is that I know that I was as wonderful as I could be, and that she hit a "what if this isn't right" point in her life.

 

Sure she might date other people, sure she might hook up with other people. But it is for the best right now. It is just funny how life works.

 

anecdote ahead>>>>>

I met this couple at the bar the other night, they had dated exclusively for 3 years, he messed up they broke up. After 6 years apart they got back together, because neither one of them could shake the idea that they were connected on some leve. They have been back together for the past year and words cannot describe to any of you how happy they looked together. It was an inspiration to see that.

 

I know that we are all in different circumstances here, some of us have been cheated on, some of us have been abused, some of us have been played for chumps. My only advice that I have to offer anyone considering reconciliation is this. If your SO truly betrayed your trust, smashed your heart into pieces and you can look at them after dealing with it and say "I still love him/her and I don't care what happened" then you need to do what feels right.

 

If you can't get over what your SO did, then the problem will never go away and will always plague you.

 

The world is big and beautiful and there are plenty of people out there that will see the wonderful people that we all are. We are all destined to find true love, not once, not twice, but as many times as we need to find ourselves.

[Layzie1207]

i hate to steal the thunder about the niceness of this post because i am really happy for everyone. but i treated my ex badly in our relationship and now she broke up with me and i think shes growing far apart from me. since there is nothing to miss about who i was i dont see myself being able to get her back. i wish i could just let go, but its not like there is anything good to come back to and its hard because i dont know how to show her ive changed.

[MissingHerBad]

Same problem here, except for the fact that I have made remarkable changes. Still what can I do, she barely thinks about me. Weird how they can love us so much and then all of a sudden dissapear. I would do anything to make it work again, I know I could make it work but I will never get the chance I dont think.

[Layzie1207]

i am starting to get emotionally and physically tired of all of this stress and pressure, i just cant take it anymore. so the next time my ex is online im having my friend who thougth terribly of me, she was one of the people who wanted my ex to break up with me. ive been talking to her for several days and told her everything and my feelings and shes convinced ive changed and that i love kelly and that i should get another chance. shes going to talk to my ex for me and just see if another chance is possible at all. if its possible i will decide what to do, but if she says no forever i think im going to try to arrange seeing my ex and just say i love you goodbye probably forever. im veyr excited because i just want to be happy again and all this is starting to wear on me very badly. i havent had a good meal or good sleep in about 3 months and i just want it to be decided either way. because i had committed to giving her space and then talking to her to see whats up, but i talked to her mom the other night and her mom said that she was almost positive that she would never love me again, and that shes basically over me and living her life again happy. so i just want to see it decided either way then get my answer and move on either way. i just cant keep living like this and im very ready and anxious to see how it goes.

[Weird]

the problem is you keep dwelling on what happened and it is just making things worse in your head which in turn makes other stuff (like sleeping/eating) more difficult which in turn makes you think more and more about what happened which makes you sleep less and less and well the cycle continues....

 

I wish I coudl take the state/mindset I am in now and share it to all the peeps who are in your position and are all messed up feeling depressed and stuff. I was there once and it sucks hard. Now I feel fine and look back and shake my head at how much I let myself feel like crap for nothing.

[PhotoGuy]

Weird is right about this......

 

Look lazie, you have to look at it like this, you cannot base your life of happiness on another person. You have to be OK with yourself, you have to love yourself, and you have to change things about you for you, not in hopes to get the other person back. I know it is hard, I am only a month out of this relationship, and everyday is hard, but you cannot dwell on the past, you cannot undo what has been done. You have to accept that the possibility does exist that you and your SO may never get back together again. I know that is not what you want to hear, but this is the truth.

 

If you have made changes in yourself for you, because YOU saw the error in your ways, then you are on the right track. YOu say that you deserve a second chance, why do you think you deserve that?

 

A love interest can only fill the void during the honeymoon phase, if your problems still exist after that, than you have just cheated yourself.

 

I can promise you this though, that regardless of what happens Everything will work out for the best. I swear it with everything that I hold true. Even if she does see that you have changed for the better, and still cannot be with you, than she doesn't deserve to get to know you again.

[Layzie1207]

i am in that sort of phase where i have become happy with myself. i had a life changing experiene that caused me to see who i was and make a change that i would go through all of this again to experience. the things i struggle with now are getting my ex to see that and that is very hard, and realizing how bad of a person i had been to her and how badly i hurt the person i love has been very hard on me. its very hard to go out to a restaurant that we used to go to and these memories of how mean i was to her just come flooding back to me and i want nothing more than to show her who i am, but i dont think im ever going to get that possibility.

 

i think i deserve a second chance because all this happened because of her and i realized the error of my ways and i think that if she ever loved me like she said she did than she can forgive me and give me another chance to make her happy.

[head/heels]

out for you 2...i will pray for you tonite!