I really can't handle things anymore

[rockmanmegaman]

I feel like I'm going to turn crazy one day. Throughout my life, I was bullied and ostracise by my peers, and it never gets better. I suffered from Social Anxiety and minor ticks, and I really really try to change... But I just couldn't...

 

When I'm in primary school, I was bullied by everyone. People called me poor, and say that I stink. My parents often called me weird because I often make weird noises as part of my minor ticks. My parents would say that I look gay while I was still in primary school, and because of this, my sibling start teasing me about it. Whenever, I brought a friend home to play, they always tease me about we're in a couple...

 

Then comes Middle school where I was ready for a new start. Things were going well until realized that I am gay... Therefore, whenever the guys talk about girls, I would often stay quiet, and then people start teasing and bullying me. This went on for 4 years before I change school.

 

At the time, my younger brother started going to the Gym and eventually got taller than me. He felt the need to rub it into my face that he's taller and that he's bulkier. My parents would often called me ugly, and my mom would actually ask her friend do I even look like her... My parent's friends would often just ignores me, and focus on my younger bro, saying how he's good looking, charismatic, etc, and often say that they couldn't believe me and him are siblings since I'm ugly. They actually say it in front of me, and my mom would agree with them. The saddest part is when my mom told me to get out of the photo shot, so she can take a clear picture of my brother.

 

When I made it to Uni, I thought things would finally change as I'm older now, but things is still the same. The people at uni would just pretend I don't exist. Whenever there's a group chat, and I tried to join in, they'll just look at me, and ignore me. I talk to my friends about this, but they all just brush it aside.

 

I don't really believe in fortune, but I went and get my palm read while I was on holiday. The fortune teller said I'll live a sad loner life...

 

I treat everyone as nice as I can, as I never want anyone to feel ignored and targeted like how I feel, but why are people treating me so mean? I never hurt anyone, I never tease anyone... They just get bored and walk away from me while I still try to talk, and start talking about my stutter behind my back. Why do they have to make joke about how they don't even notice that I was in the same classroom for the whole year.

 

The only thing I look foward in my life is my teaching career. I did prac, and the students really really like me. I feel really happy, and appreciated. I went and told my family about this, because I just want to tell soemone about it. All they do is mock me, and my siblings would just say I'm a pedophile. My bro have a hint that I'm closet gay, and he would often use it against me.

 

I just feel so stuck and alone... I have Social Anxiety, Asthma, selective mutism, and I'm also ugly and gay... I don't think my life can get any better... Not even my families offer the love I needed, and I'm literally crying right now.

Edited September 1, 2013 by rockmanmegaman

[FitChick]

Break off all contact with your family.

 

Find a gay forum online where people have been through what you have.

 

You will probably be a fabulous teacher because you have empathy towards others and will be in a position of power to stop any bullying in your classroom.

[RavenWolf]

Break off all contact with your family.

 

Find a gay forum online where people have been through what you have.

 

You will probably be a fabulous teacher because you have empathy towards others and will be in a position of power to stop any bullying in your classroom.

 

I absolutely agree!! Your family killed your self esteem and confidence when they should have been building you up! Congrats on getting through school in the face of adversity (your anxiety foremost!) That took a lot of heart, will and inner strength. I have horrible anxiety and can't stand going out in public alone so I commend you!!

 

I also suggest you find a counselor of some sort that you can speak to and start working on repairing some of your self esteem and confidence. I am working on that now myself.

 

I can't comment on your "ugly" comment. I feel that way about myself and it is a horrible way to feel. I have taken up fitness, especially running, to improve my health and hopefully my self esteem and confidence issues as well. Maybe you could do something similar?

 

And you know what? So what that you are gay! You are you...embrace it. I know you may want their approval and acceptance, but it sounds as if they are the definition of judgmental and may never accept how wrong they are for making their own child/sibling feel like they made/make you feel.

 

Hugs and I hope you can find joy in being a teacher and making a difference in the lives of our young people!!

[rbrock2323]

Don't listen to the "break the ties with your family" comment. You can "prove them wrong" by becoming the stellar person it sounds like you're becoming. You won't even have to rub it in, they'll know it and it will eat at them.

 

Just focus on you and making YOU happy. It sounds like you are around a lot of pricks. I would never leave someone standing there talking to themselves without excusing myself from the conversation. Remember those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

 

I rarely got bullied in school, when I did, it turned into a huge fight. But I was always pretty much alone, with few friends, and to this day, I can count on one hand how many "real" friends I have. Most people are just "acquaintances".

 

All of the things you've been told, taunted, etc was just pure immaturity, from kids AND adults. You're a man, be proud to have made it as far as you have ON YOUR OWN and THAT is what makes you unique and special well beyond the average everyday person who hasn't had to live with what you have. Through your experience you've gained character, something most people don't seem to have anymore, at least not in the individual sense. Good luck to you, if I ever find myself in a position of engaging conversation with you, I will listen gladly and be happy to learn.

Edited September 11, 2013 by rbrock2323

[mario_C]

Well, disowning your family may or may not be forever. At some point you'll want them to know how well you did in spite of them. Hell, because of them.

[spiderowl]

If what you say is true, then I really find it hard to understand how your family could have treated you the way they did. Mocking and denigrating, like you describe, is a form of abuse. It is no wonder you lack confidence at the moment, if that's how your own family treat you.

 

Because you are feeling down and unworthy, you are probably interpreting everything in a very negative way. Not holding a group's attention is not a terrible thing - people's attention drifts from minute to minute - and yet you are interpreting that as something wrong with you. What if the odd person does say something unkind? Who made them judge and jury? They are no better than you and the minute you realise they have no more qualifications than you have to judge another human being, you will discount what they say as pathetic.

 

You do need to seek some kind of therapy because your view of the outside world has become distorted, perhaps because of a few unusual characteristics, but mainly because of your family's reaction to you. If they had treated you as a beloved and worthwhile person, you would not be feeling so vulnerable. If you are at uni, they will have a counselling service. Please make use of this. They will not tell you what to do, but give you a chance to reflect and review how you view other people and how they view you. I think this would be the best start to seeing yourself in a new light.