AutumnMoon Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 I've seen it's a common theme. The push and pull MM or MW do.. I've heard it described as manipulative behaviour.. Is it really on purpose? The daily contact and aggressive chase that fades into confusing silence or "nothing's wrong" only to come back full force just when you think it's over.. What is that?? He's told me its how he keeps his feelings in check but others insist to me it's his way of keeping me thinking about him which I do! .. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
hermione08 Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 It is a way to keep the A under their control. They call the shots, they decide when to cool it and when to stoke it, basically they are the puppeteers. It's about power and control, it's not about love. Which is why an A is always toxic. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
zum1 Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 This is rubber band theory, works in any intense relationship. You can have it under your control by pulling out when they have pulled on you and when the tension is just right push back in. Then keep it under your control, or as they say take shots. I am a psychology student and understand this form of manipulative behaviour very well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 1, 2013 Author Share Posted September 1, 2013 This is rubber band theory, works in any intense relationship. You can have it under your control by pulling out when they have pulled on you and when the tension is just right push back in. Then keep it under your control, or as they say take shots. I am a psychology student and understand this form of manipulative behaviour very well. Do you think it's on purpose then? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 1, 2013 Author Share Posted September 1, 2013 It is a way to keep the A under their control. They call the shots, they decide when to cool it and when to stoke it, basically they are the puppeteers. It's about power and control, it's not about love. Which is why an A is always toxic. He says it's about keeping his emotions in check and has said that more than once. However he claims to not realize when he's pulling away but it's blindingly obvious.. I don't even understand how someone could say they don't notice when you go from hot and heavy every day to talking a couple times a week nervously and then back hot and heavy in an almost monthly pattern for a year. I sound insane. I'm much more lighthearted when I bring it up to him but I do bring it up and he steps up his game but the pattern still persists and I've started doing it back I've noticed so I'm trying to cut it out.. I'm not into games.. I just want to know what's happening. I don't like confusion, and when he goes silent I over think and get confused about his feelings and that pisses me off.. I sound like a love struck teenager.. And that's so unlike me. Link to post Share on other sites
psm04 Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 I can't speak for my xOMM, but when I did that, it had nothing to do with manipulating him. It was more so to keep myself sane, and to control my feelings. I noticed that I'd do it when there was a situation that would cause jealousy/insecurity (him going on vacation for example). So I'd back off in order to put my emotions under control. When he says that he doesn't realize that he's pulling away, I think that's a lie. It's a very intentional act, although it might not be to cause the other person any harm. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 I've seen it's a common theme. The push and pull MM or MW do.. I've heard it described as manipulative behaviour.. Is it really on purpose? The daily contact and aggressive chase that fades into confusing silence or "nothing's wrong" only to come back full force just when you think it's over.. What is that?? He's told me its how he keeps his feelings in check but others insist to me it's his way of keeping me thinking about him which I do! .. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Read up on men (and women) who blow hot and cold. It's not on purpose in the sense that they sit planning to do this, but it is a marker of the unavailable relationship where one person has the upperhand. Note, you're the one worried about his feelings and how he feels about you and questioning everything, you're not the driver, the one blowing hot and cold, pushing and pulling is. Dynamics like this are inherently imbalanced and lead to distress for one person more than the other, even if it is not "on purpose" in the very literal sense. Healthy relationships do not have that dynamic where one person blows hot and cold, plays the come here, go away game or pushes and pulls, but most unhealthy relationships do. These relationships tend to be very addictive in the sense that, like abusive relationships, they actually do a number on you because the highs are incredibly high and the lows incredibly low, then when the push-puller returns after a low (disappearing, pulling away, acting aloof etc.), they do a great job of wooing and saying how sorry they are and they just needed to think or insert other excuse, then the person on the receiving end gobbles it up and quickly forgives this person and accepts it as something innocuous or worse, something romantic: they love me so much, it is overwhelming, they had to disappear to process this great love just so they can have the high again and hope it will stay high. Until the next low/disappearance/pulling away happens, then they feel low again...rinse and repeat. I'm in recovery from dating men like this smh . I know it all too well now. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 Also if you are feeling low and then they return, the mere fact they are back will start to induce a high, even if the other person is not being particularly romantic. It is like getting a quick fix of a drug you have been craving. Even a little bit will keep you going... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 1, 2013 Author Share Posted September 1, 2013 Also if you are feeling low and then they return, the mere fact they are back will start to induce a high, even if the other person is not being particularly romantic. It is like getting a quick fix of a drug you have been craving. Even a little bit will keep you going... This is literally dead on. And he knows I function in this manner and so does he, so sometimes I wonder if her push and pull is because he gets off on the highs and lows too. We very much treat each other like a drug as can't get enough of but it's been a crazy hot and cold pattern .. Never going completely cold, always a friendship, but the physical side has been intense and crazy, I love a lot about it or I wouldn't continue I guess. But not sure I can take it long term. Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 This is literally dead on. And he knows I function in this manner and so does he, so sometimes I wonder if her push and pull is because he gets off on the highs and lows too. We very much treat each other like a drug as can't get enough of but it's been a crazy hot and cold pattern .. Never going completely cold, always a friendship, but the physical side has been intense and crazy, I love a lot about it or I wouldn't continue I guess. But not sure I can take it long term. I think long term it would be too much emotionally... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 (edited) Healthy relationships do not have that dynamic where one person blows hot and cold, plays the come here, go away game or pushes and pulls, but most unhealthy relationships do. These relationships tend to be very addictive in the sense that, like abusive relationships, they actually do a number on you because the highs are incredibly high and the lows incredibly low, then when the push-puller returns after a low (disappearing, pulling away, acting aloof etc.), they do a great job of wooing and saying how sorry they are and they just needed to think or insert other excuse, then the person on the receiving end gobbles it up and quickly forgives this person and accepts it as something innocuous or worse, something romantic: they love me so much, it is overwhelming, they had to disappear to process this great love just so they can have the high again and hope it will stay high. Until the next low/disappearance/pulling away happens, then they feel low again...rinse and repeat. I'm in recovery from dating men like this smh . I know it all too well now. Oh my goodness, this describes my ex-A partner perfectly. He would be warm, loving and attentive for a few months, then pull away with an excuse, act aloof, come back, rinse repeat. EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME that I would start to trust him and believe him like he asked, a little later, he would do it again. It got to the point that when things were going well, I'd hold my breath because I knew what was coming. The last time he did it, I was done. He tried to remain friendly but I didn't play this time. It has been one month and by the way he is treating me now, I see how much I really meant to him. Nothing, I'm forgettable. Edited September 1, 2013 by Daisy2013 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zum1 Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 Do you think it's on purpose then? For emotionally unstable and confused, its natural but some do it on purpose to keep your thoughts engaged to them. The more you obsess the better you will satisfy their egos in every way. If you don't appreciate any of this behaviour in your relationship then don't protest by talking about it but just turn very cold and go NC for double the time when they pull, so if he is not talking to you for 3 days you don't talk to him for 6. If he is taking 2 weeks you go missing from face of earth for a month and all he should hear is cricket chirping in silent night. When asked just say you were busy or travelling but never ever complain. A few iterations and this will either disappear from your relationship or relationship itself will disappear for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 Sometimes the push pull is intentional. It is written about in "players handbooks" as a tactic to build attraction. Its also a common tool in the Cluster B personality disorder manipulation tool box. Other people are not intentionally trying to manipulate, but just don't care or have the insight to see how their behavior affects others. There are so many people out there that come from dysfunctional families. A busy, uncaring, or alcoholic parent is a common push pull perpetrator. Since our parents are our models, it is not surprising that many people unconsciously repeat unhealthy coping mechanisms. If we are not taught to be considerate, empathetic, introspective or responsible- some of us never develop those parts of our character. So there is a good portion of the population that are too poorly equipped to have a healthy relationship. These people do not set out to hurt others, but those in relationships with them often become collateral damage. Whether it is intentional or not- the effect on you is the same. You are hurt by it. Whether he is a manipulative player or a confused guy with an effed up childhood- it doesn't change the fact that his behavior is causing you emotional pain. Someone that loves you should not treat you this way- and you should not tolerate it. You deserve better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 1, 2013 Author Share Posted September 1, 2013 Sometimes the push pull is intentional. It is written about in "players handbooks" as a tactic to build attraction. Its also a common tool in the Cluster B personality disorder manipulation tool box. Other people are not intentionally trying to manipulate, but just don't care or have the insight to see how their behavior affects others. There are so many people out there that come from dysfunctional families. A busy, uncaring, or alcoholic parent is a common push pull perpetrator. Since our parents are our models, it is not surprising that many people unconsciously repeat unhealthy coping mechanisms. If we are not taught to be considerate, empathetic, introspective or responsible- some of us never develop those parts of our character. So there is a good portion of the population that are too poorly equipped to have a healthy relationship. These people do not set out to hurt others, but those in relationships with them often become collateral damage. Whether it is intentional or not- the effect on you is the same. You are hurt by it. Whether he is a manipulative player or a confused guy with an effed up childhood- it doesn't change the fact that his behavior is causing you emotional pain. Someone that loves you should not treat you this way- and you should not tolerate it. You deserve better. I feel like you described his childhood, he grew up with very dysfunctional alcoholic parents and loves them dearly but they are still messed up. He's also a player.. Always has been but me and him do have a very open friendship Im ok with his past .. Totally ok with it as long as he's not purposely playing games with me He's a good guy.. But this pattern is driving me pretty crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
KentuckyGent Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 My ex-MW was/is a pro at this. 2 mos. NC, she pops up out of the blue letting me know she is separated and then bam she's gone again. Yet it's like a drug craving. I don't know who I am anymore Link to post Share on other sites
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