Suspicious email...should I believe him?

[DoubtsyMcGee]

I have a little dilemma and I'm looking for anyone to shed some light on it.

 

A little background: My bf and I have been together for 3 years. The first year that we dated, he was not over his ex-girlfriend. He would tell me stories about them and what they did and I got the feeling that I was being compared to her. (He denied that he still had feelings for her back then, but I knew it.) We ended up breaking up (he ended it out of nowhere) and then a few months later got back together. (He had gone to her apartment, that she was living in with her new boyfriend, during our time apart.) I told him before we even considered getting back together, I had to be sure he was over his ex. He admitted that he wasn't over her before, but that he realized what he had with me and was past her. She has come up several times, but it has never been enough of an issue to break us up.

 

Anyway, I walked in the room when he was checking his email the other day. I have never really cared about having his password or anything because I trust him. It was from a website that searches for people. The subject of the email was "Was [ex-girlfriend] found?" I was furious. He said he didn't know what that was about and he might have filled something in during that first year when he wasn't over her, but he SWORE that he didn't do anything to search for her this time. (He said, "Why would I do that? She's been living in the same place for 3 years.")

 

I grudgingly decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and drop the discussion of it, but I went to the website and did a search on myself. I didn't get any emails like the one he got...until yesterday. I got the exact one that said, "Was [my name] found?" It took them 2 weeks to send me that email.

 

Was he lying to me? Did he really look her up in the 2 weeks before I saw that email? Do websites like that check up on people 2 years later? Or should I believe him and just drop it?

 

My heart says to believe him, but my email tells me otherwise...

 

Any help would be great! Thanks!

[The_Analyzer]

Does the website have a date and time it was accessed? Or maybe if where he went is still in the history of the computer should tell you when it was done.

 

 

Just my 2 cents.

[chikachika]

sweetie,

 

if he's lying to you about it, that's not cool. but you can work through this pretty easily.

 

first thing...you have to tell him that if he messes up, you want him to tell you the truth about it. you will be more angry and it will be more harmful if he lies to you. you have to make sure that he understands this.

 

secondly, searching for information about an ex online or googling them or whatever is not that big of a deal. i know it seems like it, but he made it into a big deal by lying to you (which i'm pretty certain he did). once i came home and my boyfriend was doing something online using my laptop and he closed it real fast (suspicious, boys...figure that out) so i checked the history and found that he was googling his exgirlfriend. at first i was pretty mad and jealous. but then i realized it's just googling, not f***ing. he just wondered what she was up to and googled her.

 

the sketchy thing is that he lied to you. i think you should deal with why he did that and take his concerns seriously. he probably was worried that you'd be very angry. and you were. would you have overreacted if he had told you the truth? i know i would have. just try to think about it rationally. seriously, it's not that big of a deal.

 

just because he's searching up information about her, don't jump to conclusions. I think you should try to talk to him openly and honestly about it, without getting mad, and just ask him to be truthful with you. You deserve it!

 

good luck, and follow your instinct.

[tiki]

I'm sure he paid for his services. In depth searches aren't exactly free. Either check his account or ask him about it.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by tiki

I'm sure he paid for his services. In depth searches aren't exactly free. Either check his account or ask him about it.

 

 

Do what Tiki said. If he's paying for something, then you know he wants it badly. Thats a lot different from a google search.

[chikachika]

well yes paying is much different.

 

 

but from her message it seems like it's not like that...she did the same search on herself she said. i'm just assuming she didn't pay for it.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by chikachika

well yes paying is much different.

 

 

but from her message it seems like it's not like that...she did the same search on herself she said. i'm just assuming she didn't pay for it.

 

 

I totally see where you're coming from and I think its great advice, but that she should find out if it was paid for because thats a whole different ball game! That didn't even cross my mind until Tiki said it.

[tiki]

I guess if she got the same email from the site without paying though....you know. Anyway, something doesn't seem right. DoubtsyMcGee, did this place ask you for money to do a search?

[DoubtsyMcGee]

First off, thank you for all the advice so far. I'm not ready to break up with him or anything, but I was unsure if I was being too suspicious. I appreciate all of the insight!

 

Yes, the site did ask for money to access the search results. I did not pay for it.

 

I agree that googling exes isn't a huge concern (because I've done it too), but it was the fact that this place DID ask for money and that I figured this girl was finally out of our lives for good. If he did it (which would suck, but wouldn't be the end of the world), the worst part is that he lied about it. I asked him to be totally honest if he did do it, and he swore that he had no recollection of even visiting that site, so "it must have been from years ago when he was still not over her". That's why I'm confused...he swears he didn't do it anytime recently, but it only took me 2 weeks to get that exact same email.

 

Once again, thanks for all the help!

[lise220]

You know, guys will do things that just make absolutely no sense for at least the 1st 4 decades of their life. As a woman, it's our job to sort of keep this world together

 

Now, I won't lie. My fingers sometimes force me to look up old flames (bond fires, really) and I honestly don't have the slightest bit of sweet feeling for them (and no, I'm not in denial). My husband and I have gone through similar scenarios and when I ask him "Why" he's says that infamous "I don't know". At 1st, that really ticked me off. How do you NOT know? What are you, 4?!! But then one day as I'm looking up an old football boe, I say to myself "Self? Why?" and I reply "I don't know". It's when we take that info and put it to use, if you know what I mean.

 

It sounds like this girl may have just really done a number on him. Either a first love, or the 1st to not put up with his crap (not that he's a trouble maker). What you want to make sure of is that you're not the rebound chic. You know, the one who looks like you could be the ex's twin sister. This sort of relationship may last for years, but never really goes places or isn't totally satisfying. Certainly not to scare you or talk down on you, but it's true. If this is an on going problem, and he is aware that it makes you uncomfortable, then some part of "Uncomfortable" didn't quite make it all the way through is ears. How would he feel if you wandered off to a special place in your head with a sigh and he says "whatcha thinkin bout?" and you say "oh, no one. just my old boyfriend... this one time, he took me to this one place an we..."

 

My ex used to call me often, even after I was married... let's just say my number got changed and not by me... And let's just say that I've only heard him mention an ex or 2 maybe once or twice a loonngg time ago and never again. You have to make it known that this is not acceptable. You can't control what he thinks but he can control what he expresses. It's just not fair to you.