Why don't women respect an established relationship?

[Caryopteris]

I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, and it's great. We've both been married before and have all the kids we are going to have (1 - and she's his, and she lives with her mom). I live with him, and we even survived quite nicely while he was home on disability, recovering from knee surgery. I nursed him and took care of his every need, and we got along even seeing each other so much of the time (although I do work 40+ hours a week). Now he's back at work and the women are hitting on him harder than ever. I don't think I'm the overly jealous type at all. If women show off and prance a little in their outfits and turn heads, I don't have a problem with it. Even if they seem to be doing it for my boyfriend particularly. That's just having a little fun and not a problem. But sometimes they get a little too forward right in front of me, like they think they can just walk out of there with him while I watch! I am at least as pretty as these women, although everybody has their various look and strong points, but I know what my boyfriend is particularly attracted to, and I have those assets. But it's disrespectful when they see him touching me but they are still trying to meet his eyes and see if they can make a connection! RUDE!

 

But what's even more disturbing is that women aggressively pursue him at work. Like they ask questions about whether he is dating anyone, and when he says yes, then they want to know if he wants to fool around! It's not just one - it sounds like it's more than half of them. He's a fireman, so there are beds everywhere anyway. Oh, and at parties if I'm not there they will just climb on his lap.

 

I've dated a lot and I NEVER had to chase men aggressively like that. And no other men I've known have had this happen to them. They wish it would, but they have a terrible time meeting women. They may be just as good looking.

 

Analyzing what they find attractive, on the minus side for many women is that he is 5'7", and most women CLAIM a man has to be 6' tall to be attractive, which I have never understood. On the plus side, he has a nice head of hair and nice face. He started out with a runner's body, but started working out with weights just because I said I appreciate nice arms. He has a deep voice and he is a talker, so he's not quiet and spooky or mysterious or unnoticed. He has a certain accent that women seem to take notice of - Jersey.

 

But with all the lonely single guys out there, why do women of all ages get so aggressive with my guy, even after he says he has a live-in girlfriend? Yes he looks at their assets. He's a guy and looking is okay. The girls can look back - that's fine. But why be sooo aggressive? You are supposed to show interest and then back off and see if he comes around wanting to talk more, not try to back him into a corner like some sort of black widow. When did this happen that so many men seem frightened to make a move but women have no boundaries at all?

Edited September 1, 2013 by Caryopteris
More detail.

[SensitiveTJ]

My first reaction after reading: there must be something he is doing which you don't know about which is encouraging this kind of situation. Obviously you know him better than anyone else, but that's my first instinct.

[Woggle]

Having a woman makes a man way more attractive to some women. When I tended bar I actually had some costumers who wore fake wedding rings to get women. As long as he never takes them up on any offers I wouldn't worry too much about it.

 

There are many single guys but they want the taken ones for some reason. It's like getting a job. It is easier to get a woman when you already have a woman.

[crederer]

Keep calm a scmherk a berl.

 

I think this is something that you've amplified in your mind to be a bigger deal than it is. If he's getting hit on, how do you know?

 

I don't know the situation well but I just get a feeling he's not messing around. You don't need to trust these other women you just need to trust him.

[queenrage]

I may be wrong here, but I think every girl has put a move on a taken man... For the sake that he's taken, and that's the thrill. But he has to be doing something for these women to keep at it and think he's into it. I know I would never throw myself at a man who was so obviously not about it... And how do you know there are multiple women and what exactly they're doing?

[imfine]

He may not be encouraging it, but he must not be discouraging it either. He sounds attractive and he wears a uniform, so of course women are going to hit on him. Does he put a stop to it? Or does he soak up the ego boost? If he's touching you and they still do it, there is his opportunity to shoot them down. He could call them out, even embarass them. Not to be a jerk but to show them he loves and respects you. If he can run into a burning building, he can stand up for you.

[BeholdtheMan]

Now he's back at work and the women are hitting on him harder than ever.

 

they get a little too forward right in front of me, like they think they can just walk out of there with him while I watch!

 

But what's even more disturbing is that women aggressively pursue him at work. Like they ask questions about whether he is dating anyone, and when he says yes, then they want to know if he wants to fool around! It's not just one - it sounds like it's more than half of them.

 

But with all the lonely single guys out there, why do women of all ages get so aggressive with my guy, even after he says he has a live-in girlfriend?

Please provide your boyfriend's email...I have some questions to ask him

[It's Just Me]

A short man in a fireman's uniform beats six footers with $100K a year job, all day long.

[fanine]

How do you know what they are saying to him when you are not there, and how do you know how they act at parties when you are not there?

Is this all information he is telling you?

[carhill]

It is easier to get a woman when you already have a woman.

 

I also noticed this while married. It was like they were falling out of the sky like golfball sized hail. I've never been a big flirt, ever, though I did have platonic female friends when single, and these women, mostly married, were pretty darned aggressive, more so than when I was single.

 

OP, perhaps scarcity theory has some play. Your boyfriend is spoken for, hence scarce. He's also pre-screened and pre-approved by a member of your gender, that being you. Evidently, there's something about this which compels certain women to become inappropriately aggressive in pursuing him.

 

What do do? Talk to your partner. If this is an issue for you, it's a relationship issue and you and he work it together. He will never be able to control the other women, but he has absolute control over himself. Suggest some ideas, see what he thinks, and try them out. One which comes to mind is 'looking' less. He has a plethora of 'assets' to view, that being yours. See what happens. Consider it a social experiment, not a permanent behavior change. Same with other ideas. Good luck.

[stillafool]

5'7 is no problem when you have a goodlooking face, hair and body. I agree that women don't seem to respect other women when it comes to relationships. I think alot of them are desperate for a man and when they see a good one they don't really care who he belongs to, they are going for him. If only they would realize it's so much better when the man does the chasing.

[Woggle]

LOL. I'll never get a woman's attraction to firemen. They are some of the ugliest and rudest douche bags on the planet. I should know - I was married to one and was involved in the firehouse (and all the drama and constant cheating that went on) for 12 years. I avoid these a*ssholes like the plague.

 

Make no mistake, Caryopteris. He may be acting like an innocent, little choir boy around YOU, but when you're not around, he's probably acting like the cheating fool most of them are. Funny how women are in his lap when you're NOT around, isn't it?

 

Blame the women all you want. There's a reason most of them think he's available to some extent, and that reason would be because he ACTS that way when you're not around.

 

This is not always true. I would never dream of cheating but some women see that wedding ring and are determined to get me to do so. I once had a woman on a business trip who was married herself that would not take no for an answer. Finally when she realized I just wasn't going to do it. She got mad at me for denying her.

[The Way I Am]

This is not always true. I would never dream of cheating but some women see that wedding ring and are determined to get me to do so. I once had a woman on a business trip who was married herself that would not take no for an answer. Finally when she realized I just wasn't going to do it. She got mad at me for denying her.

 

The OP isn't married. Also, there's a difference between one woman behaving that way and several. When there are several people inappropriately flirting with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you have to consider the common denominator.

 

If women constantly aren't respecting this relationship, it's most likely because the boyfriend isn't respecting it. At best, he's not discouraging their behavior.

[Woggle]

The OP isn't married. Also, there's a difference between one woman behaving that way and several. When there are several people inappropriately flirting with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you have to consider the common denominator.

 

If women constantly aren't respecting this relationship, it's most likely because the boyfriend isn't respecting it. At best, he's not discouraging their behavior.

 

You have not experienced life as a taken man vs a single man. The more I tell women that it is not going to happen the more they try to get me to cheat. I have even seen men wear fake wedding rings in clubs in order to get more action. Some women seem to actually be able to smell the girlfriend or wife on a man.

[The Way I Am]

Disagree strongly with the blameshifters

 

 

If this has nothing to do with the guy, then why does every taken man not have women swarming them? I've never had this problem with a boyfriend, and the men I date are usually 6'+ with above average looks.

 

Sorry to say, but there is nothing you can do about it until one crosses the definite line

 

She can find a boyfriend who doesn't hang out with women who act like that or a boyfriend who sets boundaries to discourage their behavior. If women keep sitting in OP's boyfriend's lap, they won't repeat it if they find themselves unceremoniously dumped on the ground or met with a stern "seriously, get off my lap" after not getting off when asked. If on the other hand, the guy half-assedly says "I have a girlfriend" and allows them to stay because he doesn't want them to be mad, he's not really discouraging the behavior.

[BreakOnThrough]

It is REALLY easy to set boundaries when you are married. Simply looking at the ground when things become uncomfortable is more than enough of a signal to deter any bad behavior. Your boyfriend is playing into the attention, probably for an ego boost. It will spell trouble later down the line. Men will fall into the trap eventually if they continue to flirt with danger and not shut it down respectfully.

[carhill]

OP, another potential 'why', although not relevant to your boyfriend, but more in general.

 

What I've noticed about attractive women who don't have healthy boundaries of propriety is that, as there is always another stranger to come along and validate them, respecting an established relationship is, or can be, generally irrelevant to them. It's something to do until the next better thing comes along. Men reinforce this by accepting such boundaries and behaviors and by pursuing such attractive women mainly for their attractiveness, not the qualities which make for a healthy partner. Essentially, we teach them what works. Those who chose the path of least resistance take this in, and there ya go.

 

I mention this because I've seen such women in action in my decades on the planet, and it's pretty amazing to watch. I'll admit they are very good at what they do. Got sucked in a few times too. My responsibility for that.

[KathyM]

You have not experienced life as a taken man vs a single man. The more I tell women that it is not going to happen the more they try to get me to cheat.

Very true, unfortunately. My husband has experienced this several times, as has my sister's current husband, her ex husband when they were married, and my older sister's boyfriend. These guys did not show interest in these other women or flirt with them, but these women will still pursue, and when these men try to set boundaries or show no interest or blatantly rebuff them, that does not deter these women. I know a woman who showed no interest whatsoever in this one guy, but as soon as he was in a relationship with my sister, this woman was all over him, trying to "steel him away" from her. As soon as my sister would go to the ladies room when she was out with her boyfriend, this woman would take that opportunity to move in and flirt with the guy and badmouth my sister. She had no interest in him UNTIL he was in a relationship with my sister. Some women are extremely competitive, and they get their self esteem from being able to steel the man away from his wife or girlfriend. I've seen it with my own eyes, and I've heard it from many women who attest to this as happening to their husband or boyfriend, and from men in committed relationships who have experienced this with women.

Edited September 9, 2013 by KathyM