Author ThumbingMyWay Posted December 13, 2004 Author Share Posted December 13, 2004 OWL, I wish you and everyone else here that is in similar situ's the best of luck. All I can say is...LOVE...let it in, let it flow, let it take you. Love and faith in God.....that is what is driving me now....and it feels good...it makes my situ a little easier to handle. If I only knew then, what I know now about love and faith. Theres no telling what or where I could be....but man, I sure am glad I am figuring all this stuff out.....I got the rest of my life to live the TRUTH...and I am so excited to see where it takes me..... my life will be bright regradless of what ever happens in it.....cause I am finally AWARE of life itself....and i have faith and God to guide me....and in the end....the love of God is what matters. Everything you do in life, everything you have, all the money you earn, all the experinces you partake in....NONE of that goes with you when you die.... but God, in his most gracious way, gave us an eternal gift, and that is LOVE. And the only thing you take with you when you leave this world..IS LOVE....and I got it in me.....and I am truely blessed to feel this inner love and I am thankful that I get to keep it when my spirit leaves this world. Link to post Share on other sites
kamcando Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 It's been 5 months for me and I'm not sure that it will ever be over. My husband really screwed up not just our marriage but my children's lives as well. He not only had an affair with someone at his office, but (SUPPOSEDLY) got her pregnant as well. I found out when it was almost 2 months old. Ever since then we've been trying to get a DNA done and she kept fighting it until we finally had to go to a lawyer. She says she won't do it because it's an insult to her...haha! Considering what she's done I think that would be the least of my worries. She says she doesn't want child support, just for my husband to acknowledge this child. So you can see that it will pretty much be impossible for us to move on until there is some closure. All the books I've read all say the same thing----The person must break off complete contact with the third party. How is that going to happen for us when she's still in the picture for the next 18 years and many child support checks to come? I just want to find out for certain so I can decide if I want to stay or leave. Anyway, can I suggest a book that helped me a lot in getting over some of the pain? Dr. James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. It was the first recovery book that actually made me feel like someone understood my pain and betrayal. It sided with the ones who get the most hurt in affairs and feel so helpless. It tells you how to help yourself and your marriage. I like best that it doesn't give you that 'these things happen and no one is really to blame' attitude, or the 'you should get over it and move on' speeches. I closed one book up right away for the these-things-happen anecdote! You hang in there, Thumbingmyway. It does get brighter and get your self-respect back. Hanging in there myself and God bless Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted December 14, 2004 Author Share Posted December 14, 2004 kam... I feel for you too.....that has to a very tuff situation to be in. I could not imagine the stress of that. I hope that you and your husband can find peace thru this phase of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 Can I ask why you put a time limit on this situation? Maybe I missed it somewhere or I've forgotten. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted December 14, 2004 Author Share Posted December 14, 2004 Originally posted by whichwayisup Can I ask why you put a time limit on this situation? Maybe I missed it somewhere or I've forgotten. Thanks. ya know....I was just thinking about that last night. I thought to myself....why 1 year?. I mean we have been together for 17 years (married 10 of those). And we both agree that I did not do my part in meeting her emotional needs for about the last 3 years...if not more. So I thought....if we have been together for that long...why would I want to set a limit on our recovery?....I really dont know why. I think what was driving me was....that I know I am changing, and that I WILL meet all of her needs from this day forward....I am going to do MY part in rebuilding this marriage. So I said to myself....I will stay on this path for a year....and if my wife does not reciprocate or accept the changes I am making and does not let me back in....meaning...if a year goes by and she just is not back into being totlaly commited....OR if she continous with her selfish attitude and does not put forth effort to make this work.....then I said after that timeframe...I would have to re-evaluate the situation. Meaning...why would I want to remain here....if she doesn't reciprocate the change?....It would tell me that maybe she dont want to?...and who is benefiting from that?...neither of us would be. SO....would I just end it on exactly one year?....NO.....but if after one year her feelings dont change....then all I am saying is that WE would need to take a hard look at our future and if we truely could make it work. does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 TMW- You know I respect you man, so please take what I'm gonna say in that light... From my perspective, if you DON'T lay down a line, she'll never have a reason to make her changes. She'll just keep assuming that you'll always be there...period. Maybe not rational, but that is how many people are. If I had not told my wife that "if she got on that plane, she could NEVER come back", I still honestly feel she would have flown off to find out if what she had with her OM was real or not in person. She would have gotten there, the feelings would have flown, and they would have been intimate physically as well as emotionally. But...having a hard line drawn meant that she HAD to make her choice, and she couldn't waffle on it...there was no waiting, there was no chance for her to drag it out. She made the choice, and stayed. If you don't have a concrete "deadline" or something so that she can CLEARLY see you mean it that she's got to make her choice AT THIS TIME...she never will. And she CAN'T begin working on rebuilding your marriage until she DECIDES to rebuild your marriage. My wife struggled with that too... It won't and can't just happen on its own...she'll have to work at it too, and she can't work at it until she decides to work at it... 'Nuff said. Good luck to you brother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted December 14, 2004 Author Share Posted December 14, 2004 Originally posted by Owl TMW- You know I respect you man, so please take what I'm gonna say in that light... From my perspective, if you DON'T lay down a line, she'll never have a reason to make her changes. She'll just keep assuming that you'll always be there...period. Maybe not rational, but that is how many people are. If I had not told my wife that "if she got on that plane, she could NEVER come back", I still honestly feel she would have flown off to find out if what she had with her OM was real or not in person. She would have gotten there, the feelings would have flown, and they would have been intimate physically as well as emotionally. But...having a hard line drawn meant that she HAD to make her choice, and she couldn't waffle on it...there was no waiting, there was no chance for her to drag it out. She made the choice, and stayed. If you don't have a concrete "deadline" or something so that she can CLEARLY see you mean it that she's got to make her choice AT THIS TIME...she never will. And she CAN'T begin working on rebuilding your marriage until she DECIDES to rebuild your marriage. My wife struggled with that too... It won't and can't just happen on its own...she'll have to work at it too, and she can't work at it until she decides to work at it... 'Nuff said. Good luck to you brother. DUDE....exactly. And to telll you the truth. During our lay it all out there talk this past Saturday night. She admitted that she knew this talk would come sooner or later....and she admitted that she has not been giving 100% yet. She was just going with the motions so to speak. BUT when I said to her...."I will not stay here if YOU dont put forth effort"..."I already decided that I will give this 1 year and if I dont feel you are changing also, then i will leave...as hard as it would be for me to do that, I will" SHE SAID...."Honey...I needed to hear that....thats what I needed....I need to make a choice". And just today she said to me...."when you go see MC tonite....you tell her what you told me...and you tell her that I CHOOSE my husband and my family". SHE needed to here this OWL....and I am glad I said it. After 5 months, I know she was still undecided on our marriage...I could feel it and she made no quams about it when I confronted her. What I said FINALLY made her think for once that SHE could lose everything...that I am not some weak man that will stay and be hurt anymore....and she NEEDED to hear it FROM ME. I will not go thru this hurt again....and I made it clear that she needs to choose what path she wants to take. And she finally made a decision...and she CHOSE me and family..... SO...after this weekend...I feel that OUR true recovery is starting NOW.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 14, 2004 Share Posted December 14, 2004 SO....would I just end it on exactly one year?....NO.....but if after one year her feelings dont change....then all I am saying is that WE would need to take a hard look at our future and if we truely could make it work. does that make sense? Yes it does. I agree with Owl too. I guess in a year if things have not progressed enough- meaning those hurt feelings and trust issues are not fixed as well as you would like it be, then it is time to sit down and discuss the next step, whether it be marriage councilling, separation or who knows, things could be even better than you expected. Keep the faith and love eachother everyday. Thanks for answering my question and I do hope things get better. WWIU Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted December 17, 2004 Author Share Posted December 17, 2004 Just when we've made some progress on our marriage relationship....Life just wont seem to leave us alone. My wife got results back from her annual mammogram. They found an adnormality in her right breast. They told her that these things sometimes happen wiht the equipment, and that she should not worry, cause it is prolly nothing. But they want to do another one and look at different views and also do a ultrasound. They think it may just be a glinch in the equipment, and that this is common to happen....albeit not very common. I guess this has happened to some friends of hers...in fact this has happened 4 times to one of them. And they came back for a second look to determine it was nothing each time. What is scaring her and I is that her mother had breast cancer. So we have decided to get thru the weekend wiht the notion that there is nothing worng. Wait till they do another test next week Tuesday...and then deal with wahtever the outcome is. All I can do is ask and pray for her well being....and for God to lead us. He is testing us...he has been for a long time....and we both realize it. NOW is the time we must follow and let love guide us. She needs me now more than ever and I will be here for her no matter what happens. Love is the bind that will get us through. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted December 18, 2004 Share Posted December 18, 2004 Thumb, My heart goes out to you both. I am hoping that it is a glitch in the equipment. I know that when they really think something is going on, they don't hang about. That said, stress on top of more stress is a bad thing! let us know what happens but try not to worry too much. Big hug, Syl Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted December 21, 2004 Author Share Posted December 21, 2004 Just got back from Doc appt. had the second mammo and then an ultrasound. NOTHING is wrong.... just tissue in right breast has become mroe dense than the baseline mammo from 2000. I guess with time and or diff meds over time...this can happen as women age. Thanks for askng Syliva..... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 I'm glad to hear the good news and I'm sure you both are very relieved!! Try and work on the now and get back the love and happiness you both deserve. Life is short and sometimes an unexpected turn of events, even a scare can bring you both so much closer! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted December 21, 2004 Author Share Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by whichwayisup Life is short and sometimes an unexpected turn of events, even a scare can bring you both so much closer! sista...you dont know how true that is.... she even said today before the appt......"its things like this that make me realize I need you....that I have everything i need right here in you"..... that made me feel sooooo good. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 Awwwe, that is great!! I'm really happy that you both seem to be on the same page on this one!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted December 28, 2004 Author Share Posted December 28, 2004 We have our second couples meeting tonight. First one was 1 month into the now 5 month recovery. Things have been going quite well. I have seen a change in her....and we both see the light at the end of the tunnel. Xmas weekend was great and we are looking forward to NYE with her side of the family. Tonights meeting should be a warm welcome to our next stage of this situ. I feel we have both made a huge turn in the last few weeks.....I have not had any downslope emo rides at all for the last few weeks....and it feels great. Still are a few things I am concerned about....but for now, we will manage through those..a.nd hopefully with time, they too will fade. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted December 29, 2004 Author Share Posted December 29, 2004 Had a wonderful meeting last night and then a nice dinner with my wife. I truely believe we reached a new phase of our marriage. My wife has admitted that she has not tryed her hardest the last few months....and that when I told her if she didnt give 100%...that I would consider leaving. I think that realy made her think and she admitted she has finally lifted from the "fog" she was in the last few years....and that she is going to try 100% to make me and herself happy with what we have and not individual wants. We even talked about some maritail boundries and our decision making processes when it comes to things that affect our marriage relationship. I told her one of the things that effects me is when she goes out with a certain friend. The same friend she was with when "it" happened...the same friend who left her husband and is now single and seeing a few different men....young men. This group of friends are mostly single and young women who when they go out...its usually to dance/pick up bars. I told my wife that when she is in these situations, it bothers me. Becasue the setting is not conducive to our new goal of a totally committed relationship. This friend of hers would never call to go to a movie or a cup of coffee......the only time is to go to a bar....and I told wife, i just aint down with it. AND she finally agreed that this situ with this friend is something she will change because she knows it effects me. She will now try to include ME when she goes out with this group...so at least she is starting to see how her actions effect me emotional, she is a little less selfish in that regard....so we are working together in this. As for other boundries....I think what we want to establish, are certain DO's and DONT's. Things that we may want as individuals, BUT have extreme emotional effects on our sposes. We are going to try and pin-point these things and set up an agreeable boundry we must follow when acting on these situations. WE ARE FINALLY MOVING ON....and it feels great! To all the others in the same situ...like Owl, Sweets, Soon2bsngl, Joyce and others..... PLEASE stay focused on your marriage relationship....there IS an end to the pain..... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 Glad to read that things are moving along with you both... And she is doing OK healthwise too. Link to post Share on other sites
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