KentuckyGent Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 Just sent this (last) text to ex-mw and predictably, no response. She never cared about me like she claimed. Anyway, it went like this: "(name) my heart cant take your popping in and out of my life after months of nothing. It's selfish. This last time when you went silent for 2 months I tried my hardest to move on. It was hard. So unless you want a potential relationship with me then you do not need to contact me and I will do the same. I know that things have happened (*her BS supposedly left her or she left him) in your life and hope things work out for the best. Your recent calls have resurfaced feelings in me that I know are not reciprocated." What can I expect now? Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 expect nothing it hurts less that way 2 Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 I'm not sure what the history is with your relationship. If she is one of those women who loves to have someone chasing after her, then she will likely say she is sorry and is confused in hopes of having you chase her. You did the right thing. I hope she honors your wishes if she doesn't want a life with you. I hope you find the strength to move on. You deserve much more than part-time love. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 I found that channeling my anger in the early days was useful. The anger slowly turned into indifference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyGent Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 I'm past any anger. I was slowl, with a few slip ups, getting to indifference and then she popped back up briefly, letting me know she is separated. Gave me a sense of hope, only to be dashed again. Link to post Share on other sites
psm04 Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 I'm past any anger. I was slowl, with a few slip ups, getting to indifference and then she popped back up briefly, letting me know she is separated. Gave me a sense of hope, only to be dashed again. The back and forth stuff doesn't help you heal, and shows even more that she doesn't care about what you are going through. I wouldn't give her any more of your time. She will probably come back with some excuse, hook you back in, and then go cold again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyGent Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) In my heart of hearts I believe you're right, but I'm thinking I'll never hear from her again. Which is both good and bad. I'm trying to get to the point where my brain realizes how her game playing makes me feel worse than actually not hearing from her at all. She even let me know they are separated (at least for the moment) and she still doesn't want me. She likely never did. Edited September 2, 2013 by KentuckyGent Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 KentuckyGent, she may go back and forth with every R in her life, including gfs, family, children, if any, etc. Chances are she is quite shallow. We all want depth in our Rs, whether we realize it or not. But, she may not know how to get there, having never delved below the surface in her Rs. And if she gets close to doing so she runs either because it's scary for her or because she doesn't realize there is more to the R than being on the surface. Surface people deplete what's there, get bored and don't know they can go deeper for more interesting experiences. One day if she experiences true heartache that she has to face she'll have an opportunity to grow. Until then she may be a pain to virtually everyone she gets close to getting close to. This is a "type" of person and has nothing to do with who you are. I have always told my children, "People do things because of who they are, not because of who you are. When someone mistreats you in a particular way, you can bet they do that to everyone they encounter, given the right circumstances. It's their problem and they take it with them wherever they go. Same is true for those who treat you well. You can bet they treat everyone else well, too" Be glad you're getting away from her. And, do stay away. Because she will be back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyGent Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 Because she will be back. Even though I laid out an ultimatum not to contact me unless she wanted to pursue something with me? I've been married before and did not feel near the sense of loss when I divorced as I do with this R even though there really hasn't been one to speak of since January. This is killing me. I wish I could just go to sleep, wake up and have forgotten all about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 This is killing me. I wish I could just go to sleep, wake up and have forgotten all about her. One day this very thing will happen! It just takes time. And, yes, I believe she'll be back. She probably expects to hear from you. But, if you don't contact her she'll fly back in one day to get a little validation from you. It may take awhile before she does this. Once she finds out you are still carrying a torch for her (if you are) she'll buzz right back out again! The thing that would keep her from leaving is if she wasn't quite sure if you were still interested in her or not. If you kept it lite, airy and fun, then she prob would stay until she began to sense your depth of feeling. Sounds to me as if she isn't comfortable with depth or true emotional intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyGent Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) Sounds to me as if she isn't comfortable with depth or true emotional intimacy. She isn't and I am. I crave it actually. The times she did contact me over the last couple of weeks I did keep it light and conversational. I think you're right, she's just seeking validation and/or was bored or lonely. This is a woman who actually told me once that if I hadn't gone out on a couple of dates (that she knew about) that we'd be together by now. Edited September 2, 2013 by KentuckyGent Link to post Share on other sites
wrinkledforhead Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 She isn't and I am. I crave it actually. The times she did contact me over the last couple of weeks I did keep it light and conversational. I think you're right, she's just seeking validation and/or was bored or lonely. This is a woman who actually told me once that if I hadn't gone out on a couple of dates (that she knew about) that we'd be together by now. I hate that.its so unfair. Don't they see the hypocrisy? Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 I hate that.its so unfair. Don't they see the hypocrisy? They don't. They convince themselves it's different. In their heads, it is. I don't know why/how, but they do. They some how justify it in their heads that what they do is different. THAT annoys the $@*! out of me and I call him on what I consider hypocrisy every time. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 She isn't and I am. I crave it actually.This makes you quite a catch! Lots of ladies who will love to connect with you! Find someone wonderful who will appreciate it and reciprocate! The times she did contact me over the last couple of weeks I did keep it light and conversational. I think you're right, she's just seeking validation and/or was bored or lonely. This is a woman who actually told me once that if I hadn't gone out on a couple of dates (that she knew about) that we'd be together by now. Uh, huh. Sure! All your fault! But is it possible instead that she's not emotionally developed enough to have a R, doesn't want to tell you, would rather string you along while you try to win her back thus giving her more validation but not bringing the two of you any closer together? This is just my take from the scant info I have. I could be wrong and if so, excuse me, please! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyGent Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 No I think you are right; she's always been this way. Total passive-aggressive. Didn't hear from her for 2 months and then POOF!!! she calls me out of the blue and finally gets around to telling me she left the marital home (or got booted out). I tried to offer my support but she wanted none of it and, in fact, acted as if I was an imposition when I initiated contact with her. I hate this Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 KYgent, I'm not sure if anyone asked this already. Did you ever play it off as if you met another girl? If so, how did that go? What is it that you love about her? It seems she doesn't give you the time of day. I hope you find a woman who is emotionally available to you and doesn't play games. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyGent Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 I don't know what it is I love. I really think deep down it is because she came along when I was at my lowest point (cancer/chemo). I'm too old and too alone and too broken to ever find love again. She just called and when I put it to her she admitted from here on out we'd never be more than friends. She still cant fathom how she hurt me---can only say she never meant to and it wasn't intentional and that she never should have gotten involved as it was a big mistake. Sure made me feel wonderful. I feel like I will never get over this. Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) KYgent, I know for me I was devastated when my xMM chose to stay with his wife, even after all of his words of our love and talks of an exciting future together. I felt lost because I saw him as my future. There was not a question in my mind of whether our future was together. It was only a matter of when. (So I thought) Anyway, I do talk to a therapist. It has helped me a lot. I realized that I saw xMM as my only option. I don't think this is true for you. You are a single man who can freely date or go out. You have so many options. If I were you, I would find something you like to do. For example, photography. I would take a photography class. I would do things on your own. You will see that you can find happiness from within. maybe even met women with similar interests. This woman has wounded your ego. She is a user in my opinion who loves knowing there is a man out there who would take her in a heartbeat. It has become a thing where you feel like you are not good enough for her to not choose you. I felt that way with xMM. I'm not as good as his wife. I got to a point where I realIzed why would I want someone who does not want me. Really, why would I? His loss. there are other options, no matter your age! especially with you being acancer survivor. Enjoy this life you are given! Try to learn from this and look at it as now you know what you do not want in a woman. Edited September 3, 2013 by happy stillmore Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyGent Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 Thank you HappyStillmore. It hurts so much to feel like I never really mattered to her. I suppose I have always wanted what I cant have. There literally isn't a minute I am not thinking of her. I feel like this was my one shot at true love. Like I stated, even my divorce didn't affect me in this way. I see a therapist and I come out feeling resolved to stop this obsessing and hurting but it creeps right back. This is gut wrenching Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 I won't lie and gloss it over. It hurts like sh$@ to be rejected. Please tell yourself it isn't because you are not good enough. It is because she is the wrong person. You just haven't met the right one yet. And guess what?! I don't believe it is just one person who is Ms. Right. There are many women who are compatible with you. I believe if you find happiness within yourself, you will exude happiness which is an attractive trait. Women LOVE men who make them laugh, who are in touch with their emotions and make them feel special. You need to take this life you are given and make the most of it. It isn't a matter of being too old. I'm guessing you aren't 90 years old. Even so, I'm sure there is love out there Positive people attract positive people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyGent Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 I won't lie and gloss it over. It hurts like sh$@ to be rejected. Please tell yourself it isn't because you are not good enough. That is exactly what I tell myself, and always have. She's BEAUTIFUL, smart and I always just all around clicked with her----she, I believe, "got" me. Never have I been so content as when we were together and never so discontent as when we were apart. I craved, and still do obviously, any little crumb I got from her. I'm not sure what that says about me. All I know is that I want her and will never have her again. Sleep is the only respite for this pain. Link to post Share on other sites
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