To have or not to have children...

[ForeverAuntie]

I am having serious issues when it comes to the decision of having children. I wanted to have children when I was younger but now that I'm in my 30's I've had alot of time to think about it and I'm starting to change my mind.

 

I really don't like the way the world is changing; the technology, disease, violence, environment. I don't like what humans are doing to the planet (me included) and I can't imagine what the world will be like in 20-30 years. So many animals will be extinct and the population will have exploded. I don't feel the need to bring another human onto this planet to breath unclean air and possibly have no future.

 

On the other hand.... will I regret not having that feeling of unconditional love and the bond that a mother has with her child. I want to feel a growing child inside and to have that enjoyment of birth but don't want the responsibility of bringing it into this horrible world.

 

I feel very irresponsible and immature about the whole subject but wondered if anyone had some advice for me. Too many people tell me that if they had to do it over again they wouldn't have kids. I also feel guilty for not giving my parents grandchildren... but thats another topic!

 

I know only I can make the decision but I need guidance.

[chikachika]

i think it's perfectly fine to not have children.

 

from what you say though it seems like you kind of want one.

 

have you considered adoption?

[quankanne]

will I regret not having that feeling of unconditional love and the bond that a mother has with her child

 

the love you have to offer isn't lost just because you end up not having kids. There are a whole lotta people out there who don't have love, and benefit when they receive it, just like you benefit when you give it.

 

I've been married for more than 12 years and STILL haven't gotten knocked up. however, I realize there are a lot of little kids out there (family, children of close friends) I can love equally as well as I can my own. A lot of the time, knowing that I have the capacity to love/offer love is much greater than my worry over being childless. I figure that God will direct me where I need to go, and introduce me to those kids who need what I can give.

 

are you married, or in a committed relationship? Is the issue a pressing one (i.e., your guy wants to start a family), or just something you've thought about? You may change your mind later and decide that you're going to throw your worries about this to the wind, and bring a baby into this world because you hope/believe that your child will make the kind of difference needed!

[tiki]

Don't fret it. No one says you have to have kids. And don't worry about missing out - you'll never know what you're missing out on if you never have them, right?!

 

Devote your time to your neices, nephews, church nursery, things like that. Hell. that's birth control enough for me!

 

Don't feel bad! You have valid concerns as to why you shouldn't bring a child into this world. I'm sure people will respect that.

[Elmo]

I admire you for being so thoughtful about this HUGE decision.

 

Alot of women just think it is "expected" then have kids and regret it. Of course, alot don't regret it. Problem is you can't take this kind of decision back.

 

Are you married? If you are, how does you husband feel about it? It takes two to make this decision, and yes, I think it is very beneficial for a child to be born into a marriage. It is just more stable.

 

If you aren't married....gosh, why on earth would you want to take this on alone?

 

Good luck to you, whatever you decide. It is a really, really big decision. Babies are very cute...by 8 they start becoming little individuals with some not so cute attributes. It is easy loving a little baby....gets harder as they mature.

 

Plus, there is no guarantee that they are going to give you unconditional love. It's kind of a crap-shoot. You have to be prepared.

 

Your mom had her kids. She made her decision. Don't let her influence yours.

[Pocky]

I'm not having children and although there are times when a part of me feels a slight tinge of sadness when I see the beauty of a child, I know that I made the right decision. Being a good parent is one of the hardest things to do and I know that I would not willingly want to have that responsibility.

[brashgal]

Parenting is challenging for those who know without a doubt they want children. And man, it goes on forever, even when the kids are grown you still worry and get involved. You can experience unconditional love with dogs and cats, still fulfilling, less of a commitment. And as the children age to adulthood, I think the unconditional love becomes more conditional.

 

Don't rush into anything.

 

_________________________

love from a single mother of two

[blind_otter]

I think it's a good thing to think about these things, but it does sound like you want children. I dunno, I was ambivalent about children, and my pregnancy was not planned.

 

When I think about it more, though, I feel excited to have the opportunity to teach someone to be a better person than I am. Who knows, maybe this kid will become a scientist who specializes in research on alternative energy sources, or someone who changes the world...since I believe that parenting is the critical ingredient in making a good person I guess I feel like you can contribute to the betterment of the world by making a good person to inhabit it.

 

I remember talking to my sister. She is hilarious, to me at least, she was saying that it's a shame that it's mostly intelligent, educated people who are deciding to limit the number of children they have, or not have children at all.

[bluechocolate]

ForeverAuntie

 

Being the forever auntie (or uncle) can be great fun. You can spoil them, do neat kiddie stuff & sing silly songs, feed them lots of junk & then hand them back to their parents at the end of the day. (suckers! )

 

I also feel guilty for not giving my parents grandchildren...

 

So no siblings that can make them grandparents?

[ForeverAuntie]

Thanks so very much for the advice everyone. I do have alot of love to give and have two wonderfully playful cats who greet me at the door every homecoming, along with friends children and step nieces/nephews to love.

 

My brother has a great gal who has teenagers and those kids are very nice and well behaved. They will never have children of their own so my brother loves them do death. My parents treat them like grandchildren but the only unfortunate thing is that the kids don't call them grandpa/grandma. My parents would never expect that but I can tell that they wish they could be acknowledged as someones nan/pop. Whenever they stop by my house I always comment that the grandparents are here to the cats (yes I know I'm crazy lol) and they laugh.

 

As for being married, I have a steady boyfriend who doesn't want kids. Everyone in my life thinks that I'm basing my decision solely on him but thats not the case. I'm sure if I was with someone who desparately wanted kids we would have many a late night discussions about it. So many people have said.. oh, you have to have at least one... why? Those are the people who have all the patience in the world and are more responsible than me. I am a free spirit who likes to go places whenever I feel like it. Selfish I am! But thats my perogative right?!? I don't have a dog because its too much responsibility lol.

 

I will have this internal battle all my life.... I just hope to make a decision before I'm 60!! I heard in the news of a 59 yr old woman who had twins! There's still time for a decision yet!!