I know I am the bad guy

[eyore]

I have been faithfully married for 16 years to my loving wife. My wife is paralyzed from the waist down and has to be cared for, which I do not mind at all. I love her very much and our love is more spiritual that physical.

 

Throughout the years, though, I have grown to miss the things that I used to do, such as hiking, rock climbing, bike riding, motorcycling, etc.. things that I would never bring up with my wife, because she is not able to do those things.

 

Recently I started to miss the sexual part. I can have sex with my wife, but she can't feel much and I know that to her, it is for my benefit. She does not have orgasms, all she can feel out of it is that she knows that it is going on. I have done this for 16 years and now, it has gotten to the point that we have sex, maybe 1 or 2 times a year, because it is not something we enjoy together.

 

I am really missing the sensuality of love making and the enjoyment of hiking with a mate. I feel like, if this keeps up, then I may end of leaving her which is the last thing that I want to do. You have to understand that I am really, truly in love with my wife. But the sexual part of me want to feel something also. I have thought about looking for a "friend with benefits", just to explore that part that is missing in my marriage.

 

I don't know how to handle this. I also know that people would think of me as a bad husband for even thinking of this, but I am very depressed with my situation. I feel that I should either be faithful or leave. But I really do not want to leave her, I love her so much.

 

I crave the touch of a woman and to be able to caress and share with a woman. It is a part of humanity, and has not been part of my life for so long.

 

Am I a bad person? A bad husband?

[vla1120]

I have been faithfully married for 16 years to my loving wife. My wife is paralyzed from the waist down and has to be cared for, which I do not mind at all. I love her very much and our love is more spiritual that physical.

 

Throughout the years, though, I have grown to miss the things that I used to do, such as hiking, rock climbing, bike riding, motorcycling, etc.. things that I would never bring up with my wife, because she is not able to do those things.

 

Recently I started to miss the sexual part. I can have sex with my wife, but she can't feel much and I know that to her, it is for my benefit. She does not have orgasms, all she can feel out of it is that she knows that it is going on. I have done this for 16 years and now, it has gotten to the point that we have sex, maybe 1 or 2 times a year, because it is not something we enjoy together.

 

I am really missing the sensuality of love making and the enjoyment of hiking with a mate. I feel like, if this keeps up, then I may end of leaving her which is the last thing that I want to do. You have to understand that I am really, truly in love with my wife. But the sexual part of me want to feel something also. I have thought about looking for a "friend with benefits", just to explore that part that is missing in my marriage.

 

I don't know how to handle this. I also know that people would think of me as a bad husband for even thinking of this, but I am very depressed with my situation. I feel that I should either be faithful or leave. But I really do not want to leave her, I love her so much.

 

I crave the touch of a woman and to be able to caress and share with a woman. It is a part of humanity, and has not been part of my life for so long.

 

Am I a bad person? A bad husband?

 

 

NO WAY!! You are a dedicated, loving, devoted husband. I think every feeling you are having is completely normal!

 

If I were paralyzed from the waist down and my husband stayed to love and care for me, I'll tell you what I would do. After years, I would sit him down and let him know I appreciate his devotion, but also understand he has needs that are not being met. I would tell him I want to be able to depend on him moving forward, but that I also give him the green light to find female companionship. I might be weird, but I wouldn't consider it a betrayal for him to look somewhere else for something that I was UNABLE to provide. I really would want him to be able to live a rewarding, happy life. I would hope it would endear him to me even more and let him know that I have his best interest at heart the way he has my best interest at heart. I wouldn't want to know the details. I would just want him to be happy.

 

That being said - it would have to be a very special woman who would understand and respect your situation.

 

Have you spoken to your doctor or a professional about your thoughts? Just the stress and dedication alone that it takes to care for someone paralyzed from the waist down is more than most can handle. Maybe you can get some advice or insight from a professional.

 

Don't beat yourself up. You are heroic to me. But then, the straw that broke the camel's back in my marriage was my breast cancer and his inability to "cope" with the illness. Yeah. I was just having a barrel of laughs during treatment. Like I told you, you're very special for staying by her side so devotedly.

Edited September 2, 2013 by vla1120
Need to add a sentence.

[Heart of the Desert]

Have you spoken with your wife about how you feel about the situation? Just let her know how much you love her and will always respect her and be there for her, but you are very frustrated with the situation. She will not hold it against you for feeling frustrated. She is frustrated as well I am sure.

Many marriages in similar situations have actualy been saved by a mutual agreement that the able bodied partner ocasionaly meet with a FWB (whom they in no way have any other sort of realtionship with so as not to jeopordize the mariage).

You may want to consider this as an option but don't bring it up unless you sure that your marriage can handle at least a conversation about it. The risk of course being that she may resent you for asking, and if she declines you may resent her. I would never know how to go about proposing such an idea to the person who meant the most to me, but she may be understanding. By all means consider this, don't consider cheating.

You seem like very good man and your dedication and care is admirable.

Edited September 3, 2013 by Heart of the Desert

[Lani]

You have absolutely no reason to feel like the bad guy.

You're doing an amazing thing and I bet that not a day goes by that your wife doesn't thank her lucky stars that she's got you.

 

I'm not going to try and gloss over the sexual issue, but as most people have addressed that already I'm going to take a different angle..

I think you should get back into your hiking, rock climbing, etc again. Speak to your wife about it and tell her you're sorry she can't do it with you, but you really miss it.

I think spending this time with your friends, doing something physical, will let off some of the steam you're missing sexually (I know it's not the same!). I think it's important to speak to her about it though otherwise you're going to end up resenting her for something you neglected to get her opinion on.

 

To reiterate- you're not the bad guy. Give yourself some credit.

[Heart of the Desert]

You have absolutely no reason to feel like the bad guy.

You're doing an amazing thing and I bet that not a day goes by that your wife doesn't thank her lucky stars that she's got you.

 

I'm not going to try and gloss over the sexual issue, but as most people have addressed that already I'm going to take a different angle..

I think you should get back into your hiking, rock climbing, etc again. Speak to your wife about it and tell her you're sorry she can't do it with you, but you really miss it.

I think spending this time with your friends, doing something physical, will let off some of the steam you're missing sexually (I know it's not the same!). I think it's important to speak to her about it though otherwise you're going to end up resenting her for something you neglected to get her opinion on.

 

To reiterate- you're not the bad guy. Give yourself some credit.

 

This is so spot on.