Dh wants his old job back, where the OW works!

[StillHurtin]

Dh had filed a lawsuit against his old company for firing him (long story). Both our family and friends said their reasoning for firing him wasn't a legit reason so we hired a lawyer who said he feels he was wrongfully terminated so dh filed a lawsuit to either get his old job at the same salary, or all his lost salary since he was fired. To make a long story short the lawsuit didn't go as dh planned. He isn't getting his old job back nor his back salary pay. He told me I was probably happy that he didn't get his old job back. I asked him if he really wanted it back that bad and he said yes. He said it's more pay. Well, it would be more pay but not by the time he drove almost 90 miles to get to fricken work!! Anyhow, what pissed me off is that he is willing to go back to work for this place where the OW he had the A w/ works!!! I know I shouldn't be upset, b/c it wont happen now, but to think he wants to go back to his old job and have to work w/ the OW again really pisses me off.

[bluechocolate]

Anyhow, what pissed me off is that he is willing to go back to work for this place where the OW he had the A w/ works!!! I know I shouldn't be upset..........

 

It would have been a major set back for the two of you. If you weren't ready to give him that level of trust then there is no way he should have even considered it.

[StillHurtin]

I agree. I guess it's not so much trusting him, it's her. She is the biggest flirt and even though dh told her b4 he got fired not to flirt w/ her she always managed to put herself in situations where she had to be around him, or she was IM'ing him. I don't trust either one of them but I don't trust her more. If he would of taken the job back I would of honestly told him the marriage was over. I couldn't live day to day knowing he was working in the same place she was. Plus when there was company get togethers she would be there.

[Owl]

Has anyone ever wondered why it is our wandering spouses seem to WANT to put themselves back into a situation where they could get into the same trouble they were in before?? I've had a similar discussion repeatedly with my wife. She mentioned at our last counseling session that if she recieved an email from her OM, she would immediately tell me, and leave it up to me as to whether or not they could continue contact from there. AS IF I'D EVEN THINK ABOUT IT?!?!?! She feels that she would have no issues with keeping him as just a friend, and that there wouldn't be any temptation whatsoever to let it cross the line again!!!!

 

I wonder if she has any idea how that makes me doubt a lot of things? If she could be with him with no temptation, well that's good that she's not tempted, but means that what she nearly destroyed our marriage for before really wasn't much of anything!!! And if she can't, then why be stupid enough to risk what we've done all these months???

 

I can understand how you would feel about this whole thing Stillhurting... Makes you wonder why our significant others don't seem to understand, doesn't it?

[StillHurtin]

And if the situations were reversed would they want us to be friends w/ a person if we had an A? NO! They just can't understand what we are going through. I think if you have an A and try to work on your marriage the OP should be completely out of your lives. No working w/ them, NC, nothing. I am thankful that I had the courage, the support, and the help to move out of the town where the OW lives b/c there is no way I could of stayed in the same town where she lives. I don't think things would of been so great if we still lived in the same town. I am not positive but I am sure the OW would still be trying to contact him. And him not working w/ her anymore has been a big burden lifted off my shoulders.

If a person can't let go of having a friendship w/ the OP then a marriage can not and will not work.

[bluechocolate]

If a person can't let go of having a friendship w/ the OP then a marriage cannot and will not work.

 

I would absolutely agree with that. To my mind it comes down to priorities. If the number one priority is to re-build your marriage then this is not a heavy sacrifice to make. If you can't make it then your marriage is not a priority & will come to an end. Read this post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=51637 .

[Owl]

Originally posted by bluechocolate

To my mind it comes down to priorities. If the number one priority is to re-build your marriage then this is not a heavy sacrifice to make. If you can't make it then your marriage is not a priority & will come to an end. Read this post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=51637 .

 

 

 

Ya know Blue...reminds me of what happened those first few weeks after I discovered my wife's affair, but before we truly began to reconcile. She didn't feel like she'd stayed of her own choice...she felt as though her staying had been forced on her by both the OM and myself. She was in withdrawl, and hurting, and pretty damn hurtful at times to. She DIDN'T have any real remorse about what she done during that time. Our first few trips to a marriage counselor during those weeks were horrible, to say the least. My wife felt that our counselor (a woman) clearly sided with me. And one of the first things that the counselor told my wife was that there wasn't anything we could do to rebuild/reconcile our marriage until my wife made the decision to do so. My wife wanted to spend that time working on herself...getting herself ready to leave really. She wanted to do those things first, and felt that doing that would somehow make our marriage rebuild itself if it was meant to be. The counselor told her then that UNTIL she made the CHOICE to rebuild it, it would just lie there in pieces. Both of us had to work TOGETHER to do it, and that it couldn't just rebuild itself.

 

Three weeks later ( I remember the nite it happened well), she made that choice. She realized that our marriage was worth working on and for, and she made the choice to start doing it. We've been doing that ever since. A part of that choice was the choice to give up the OM for good. She heard that, she knew that in her head, but struggled with it in her heart for weeks/months afterward. I guess a large part of the worry that all of us here have is that our spouses are still somehow struggling with that choice in their hearts. We know that the other person got to them once, and nearly replaced us once...how could we ever risk that again?

 

Our spouses (at least mine) don't seem to be able to understand that. I don't want her to feel how I felt, or how I feel now, but I wish that she could understand how I feel? Make any sense?

[StillHurtin]

Just proves that not leaving the OP alone and removing totally from your life can continue to destroy a marriage.

 

I can't speak for my H about him leaving the OW and leaving her alone was what he really wanted to do. From the IM he showed me telling her that their relationship needed to be totally professional I could see that he wanted it that way. She kept wanting to talk about personal things. She asked him if she could talk to him about her son b/c "you know how much I like to brag about him" and she asked him if she could talk to him about a song she likes. He told her no, that was personal and if he wanted to work on his marriage w/ me then their conversations were to be about work only. She ignored him and wrote "Did I tell you I have a date w/ a real nice guy this Saturday night." And he wrote back "Didn't I tell you, no personal things?" It seemed she kept pushing it but finally stopped and a few months later got him fired from work (long story). I was of course upset he got fired b/c of financial reasons b/c he could no longer pay his child support (we were seperated) but at least he was no longer working w/ her. Her getting him fired was the best thing that she could of done. Even though H had a much better job at the time and he lost that, it was worth it. After she got him fired he couldn't stand her. He thought of pretty immature things to do to her, or her car. He would call her all sorts of nasty names (not to her face). He said some really bad things about her. I told him that anything he did to her property or her wasn't worth spending time in jail. I have wanted to sit down and write her a letter for getting him fired but I didn't want to give her any satisfaction from it (if her twisted mind found any satisfaction). The last I knew about her getting him fired was she was crying in the office the next day. I don't know if she was crying b/c she got him fired and she knew he would end up hating her or what. I don't care. All I know is that I am glad she did it.

[jmargel]

Owl, you nailed it pretty good. Unless the other spouse is willing to cut all contact from this other person, then you are not their first priority. And not putting you as the first priority inhibits any progress towards rebuilding the marriage.

 

Look at my link in my signature, I talk about dealing with issues and topics. This OM/OW right now is just a topic. There is an underlying reason to why your spouses have pursued outside interest. Not saying it's your fault, what I am saying is you can try to keep them from this other person, but unless you resolve the issues you are going to live in fear all of the time wondering if they are still in contact with them, or perhaps another person. This destroys the underlying trust in a marriage, which will destroy the marriage itself.

 

Counseling can be frustrating because at times it may seem like you aren't getting anywhere. However if you keep chipping away at that wall, it will come down and you will be finally able to find and conquer the issues behind all of this.

[StillHurtin]

Thanks for your reply. I have read your link and I agree w/ most of it but I still don't feel that what the W or the H do is an excuse for their spouse to have an A. I will admit, my marriage in the past was a bad one, verbal, and physical abuse. I thought so many times about leaving. The abuse usually took place when H was drunk or hungover. So, I gave him the ulitmatium, stop drinking and get professional help or me and the kids were leaving. He quit drinking and things did improve. About 6 months later filed for a divorce, we seperated and he started the A w/ the OW. I can't help to feel that he resented me for making him quit drinking and that is why he chose to leave me and be w/ the OW. A few months later he realized the grass wasn't greener on the other side and begged me to come back. Now, I know he didn't resent me for making him quit drinking b/c he has been sober over 2 years and has no desire to drink again. I don't care what a W or a H act like, it gives their spouse NO RIGHT to have an A. If it is that bad in their marriage get a divorce and then find someone else. I can't even begin to post all that I went through b4 I made H quit drinking b/c it lasted for so many years (no, he never beat me, just slapped and it didn't happen often but once is too much). Anyhow, I didn't go have an A w/ another man b/c I was treated so badly. I know I could have but I valued my marriage vows and deep down I could not do that to my H b/c I knew how much it would hurt and not to mention it is wrong, and a sin. I just don't think anyone has a value excuse to have an A. It is wrong no matter what your spouse does.