Men buying your SO a drink in a bar

[Babolat]

I have another post going about male friends always buying for their female friends. A spin off of that thread was a man buying a drink for your SO in a bar/club; is that OK.

 

My ex and I had this conversation over text yesterday. She was explaining why she feels it's ok for her male friends to buy drinks for her, and then volunteered her view on a man she does not know buying her a drink in a bar. She said if he's a gentlemen and buys her a drink from "across the bar" if you will, she nods thank you, he acknowledges, he does not come over to talk to her, that's ok. She said if he is obviously the assertive male whore type, that's different.

 

She said what really matters to her is how she represents "us", meaning the relationship, to other men, not the fact that a man is buying her drinks.

 

This post is not about her. it's about me processing, trying to figure out if I am being insecure or judgmental, with the intent to have a better understanding of how woman view this for a future relationship.

 

My opinion: If a man offers to buy a woman a drink and she makes it clear she is "unavailable", he still offers, and she accepts, that is wrong and is sending the wrong message to the man. I think a confident, classy, sophisticated, high self esteem woman should have no problem saying "No thanks, I appreciate the offer though" and make it very clear she is not interested in him buying her drinks. If the woman is looking for free drinks, wrong woman in my opinion. If the woman needs the attention, wrong woman in my opinion. If the woman does not understand the message she is sending to the man by accepting the drink, wrong woman in my opinion.

 

I can understand if I am out with a group of buddies and some woman buy us shots...and that's a maybe. I would feel the peer group pressure from my single buddies and do the shot. I would thank them though and NOT allow them to buy more; nor would I engage in a conversation with them. My single male buddies are free to behave and act how they want to though.

 

It's not about being insecure or jealous, or controlling. My woman can go out to clubs/bars, party with her friends, but there are boundaries for me, and this is one of them. Men do not buy women they do not know drinks "just because".

 

I am too old fashioned? is this being insecure feeling this way?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Friends or friends of friends buying me drinks = fine.

 

Strange men buying me drinks = not fine.

 

Pretty simple. To accept the latter is to lead someone on. What same dude spends his own cash on a drink for a total stranger without expecting or hoping for more?

[Babolat]

One reply? Nobody has an opinion on this? or you are all hungover?

[Divasu]

I am too old fashioned? is this being insecure feeling this way?

 

Yes, it is insecurity on your part. But, it's also about people who are in a committed relationship, adhering to reasonable boundaries and being respectful towards their partner.

 

Women are going to face a man hitting on her from time to time, regardless of atmosphere. How she handles herself and responds to it, is not something you can control.

 

You have every right to say what you prefer not to happen in those settings, but at the end of the day, she is going to behave as she sees fit. If you dislike it, you communicate your concerns and hopefully she understands where you are coming from and curbs it. So long as you don't come at her with accusations or are overly authoritative, you should be able to reach a level of mutual understanding IF your relationship is one that involves healthy compromise and respect for one another.

[Babolat]

Yes, it is insecurity on your part. But, it's also about people who are in a committed relationship, adhering to reasonable boundaries and being respectful towards their partner.

 

Women are going to face a man hitting on her from time to time, regardless of atmosphere. How she handles herself and responds to it, is not something you can control.

 

You have every right to say what you prefer not to happen in those settings, but at the end of the day, she is going to behave as she sees fit. If you dislike it, you communicate your concerns and hopefully she understands where you are coming from and curbs it. So long as you don't come at her with accusations or are overly authoritative, you should be able to reach a level of mutual understanding IF your relationship is one that involves healthy compromise and respect for one another.

 

This is exactly how I feel, healthy respect and compromise, though I don't feel insecure. Until my ex gf, I never even thought about this before. And in her case, I never said a word nor was I overly authoritative, it's not my style, other than I did not like her hanging out with men as often as she did in sexually charged environments.

 

I don't think a woman, in a committed relationship, should accept a drink, really an "offer" from a man, at any time. To me it's the man saying "I am attracted to you and would kike to get to know you <insert reason why>", an by accepting the woman is saying "OK". I's unwanted attention if she says No Thanks.

 

I have no issues with my partner getting hit on, I have no issues with her liking and getting attention, we all do. To me, and maybe it's my association with what goes on in bars, accepting an offer from a unknown man in a bar, engaging in a conversation with him, delivers a message.

Edited September 2, 2013 by Babolat

[Divasu]

This is exactly how I feel, healthy respect and compromise, though I don't feel insecure. Until my ex gf, I never even thought about this before. And in her case, I never said a word nor was I overly authoritative, it's not my style, other than I did not like her hanging out with men as often as she did in sexually charged environments.

 

I don't think a woman, in a committed relationship, should accept a drink, really an "offer" from a man, at any time. To me it's the man saying "I am attracted to you and would kike to get to know you <insert reason why>", an by accepting the woman is saying "OK". I's unwanted attention if she says No Thanks.

 

I have no issues with my partner getting hit on, I have no issues with her liking and getting attention, we all do. To me, and maybe it's my association with what goes on in bars, accepting an offer from a unknown man in a bar, engaging in a conversation with him, delivers a message.

 

It appears your ex exhibited a lot of behavior that made you feel uncomfortable. Let's not beat around the bush here...

 

Whether it was warranted or not, only you know for sure. But, when you start to notice a pattern in someone else's behavior, that raises red flag after flag, pay attention to it.

 

If someone's behavior is constantly toeing the line of EXCESSIVE and ongoing when it involves things like you mentioned (alcohol, frequenting bars often, members of the opposite sex) there's a problem.

[KungFuJoe]

I agree with Divasu.

 

Your ex accepting a drink isn't the problem. It's the fact that she would go out, get drunk, black out, and spend the night at some guy's house even though you were available.

 

I don't know ANY guy that would be ok with this.

[Babolat]

I agree with Divasu.

 

Your ex accepting a drink isn't the problem. It's the fact that she would go out, get drunk, black out, and spend the night at some guy's house even though you were available.

 

I don't know ANY guy that would be ok with this.

 

Agreed, though I don't want this post to be about her. I am actually curious to see how others view this.

[almond]

I have never accepted a drink off a stranger, as in my opinion, it would be disrespectful to my partner. If my boyfriend was there with me and a random offered to buy me a drink, I would surely decline. Why should it be different just because he's not there?

 

Allowing a random man to buy you alcohol does implies interest to some extent. Well, I think so anyway. Opinions will obviously differ on this, but if one party is uncomfortable, then I don't feel that it should be debated - I feel that it's a small and reasonable "sacrifice" to make.

[Babolat]

Well, she just texted me to say she is willing to compromise more and wants to talk this week.

 

I am very very very close to telling her no contact anymore for me; my needs are not being met and I simply do not agree with her lifestyle choices and her behaviors, regardless of if she has toned it down recently.

 

Good to hear I am not alone in my thinking though regarding men buying unavailable women drinks in a bar and the women accepting the drink.

[tman666]

I've never dated girls who were frequent enough bar-goers to have to worry about this.

 

But I would say that accepting drinks from strange men is a problem for several reasons. Even if your girl has absolutely no intentions of reciprocating, if she accepts the drink, it shows that she might be OK with using her gender as a bargaining chip, and that she's OK with using guys to get what she wants (a free drink). At the very least, it shows that she has trouble setting boundaries, which comes with its own set of issues.

 

In my mind, the mature, respectful way to handle this situation would be for the woman to simply decline the drink directly yet politely. This is the level of class I would expect out of someone I was dating.

[Silly_Girl]

I agree with tman and acrosstheuniverse

 

It's a No from me.

[Babolat]

2 follow up questions:

 

1) A woman is in a group setting with her gfs, some are single, same have bfs, some are married. Shots/drinks show up from a man, or a group of men. Do you drink it? Peer pressure to do so because your gfs do?

 

2) Man orders you a drink from across the bar, never walks over, never talks to you. Do you accept the drink? One of those where the bartendar says "this is on the gentleman over there"

[KungFuJoe]

Babolat,

 

There is too much grey area regarding this scenario. And you can't try and extrapolate anything solid by just knowing if a woman would or would not accept a drink.

 

I mean, what if she was out with 2 of her gf's...who are single and both of them met guys and were out on the dance floor and she was alone at the bar. Maybe she's getting bored and a nice guy comes up and offers to buy her a drink. She tells him no thanks, that's she's taken and he says that he just wants someone to talk to and extends the offer again.

 

Me, I would say no problem...accept the drink, say thanks, have a chat. Whatever. No harm in just socializing.

 

I also sense a bit of contradiction in you...in that you will pay for your female friends (with no romantic intentions) yet you are against a woman accepting a drink from a guy who just wants to be friends.

[carhill]

Men buying your SO a drink in a bar

 

This happened during my M when I was present and presumably when not present. My exW could handle herself with any man so I never considered it an issue. Sometimes I would end up talking racing or sports with the guy and buy him and/or his SO a drink. As another poster mentioned, it's socializing, at least in my age group.

 

If a woman is feeling indebted sexually/swayed emotionally by someone buying her drinks, then she is. A man has no control over that, rather only his boundaries. Personally, I didn't spend much time with it. YMMV.

[PlumPrincess]

I think you can try to be as objective as you can, analyse the sh*t out of your girlfriend and at the end come to the conclusion that your gut instinct was alright all along and she just isn't the right woman for you. You are two people with very different mindsets and you will never come to a satisfying reconciliation between these two worlds. You do believe at the depth of your personality that what your girlfriend is doing is wrong.

 

Just give it up.

[Babolat]

I think you can try to be as objective as you can, analyse the sh*t out of your girlfriend and at the end come to the conclusion that your gut instinct was alright all along and she just isn't the right woman for you. You are two people with very different mindsets and you will never come to a satisfying reconciliation between these two worlds. You do believe at the depth of your personality that what your girlfriend is doing is wrong.

 

Just give it up.

 

Agreed

 

She wants to talk tomorrow about more compromising she can do now. Unless I see and hear something miraculous, my plan is to tell her I can't do this anymore.

[aussietigerwolf]

Friends or friends of friends buying me drinks = fine.

 

Strange men buying me drinks = not fine.

 

Pretty simple. To accept the latter is to lead someone on. What same dude spends his own cash on a drink for a total stranger without expecting or hoping for more?

 

I agree (although totally moot in my case as i'm allergic to alcohol) I however would not be likely to be as polite to strange guys trying to buy me drinks.

[Babolat]

We talked for 2 hours last night, and it was a good talk.

 

The entire men buying drinks conversation was over text, and I took a lot of things out of context.

 

She made it very clear she never accepted a drink from a man while we were dating. She also made it very clear she has high integrity, more than most of her gfs, and she made it clear to any man who approached her, in a bar or elsewhere, she was in a relationship and was not interested, when we were dating.

 

The 3 times while we we dating where she did accept a drink, were times where she was out with a bunch of girls, a birthday girls night out, a man. or group of men would buy the group of girls a round of drinks, and she did accept the drink. There was no talking, not sociailizing with the men. As she put it, it was men buying a round for the party, that was it. And she saw nothing wrong with that. She worked as a bartender for 15 years and states this is very common. A group of girls are out celebrating, a man. or group of men will buy them around of drinks, and it's all in good fun. If the men expressed other interests she made it very clear she was not interested that way.

 

I could see/feel her anger and frustration that I put her in the bucket of woman who do accept drinks, who do talk to men and who do not have boundaries when they are in a relationship. Knowing I thought this way about her really upset her.

 

We talked about some of the things that concerned me while we were dating. Mainly, the 2-3 times she stayed in a hotel room with her male best friend while he was in town. She got upset and said she was not in the room alone with him, there was always another friend, in 2 cases one of there common female best friends. She said she wanted to spend more time with them, see them, catch up, and stay out. It made sense to take a cab, and go back to the room. She sees no difference between that and going back to someones house to crash for the night.

 

She was good at saying she understood how I felt, how some of thi smade me feel uncomfortable. She said over and over that she is not that kind of woman, that she carrys herslef well and she made it clear she was with me.

 

I asked if her male best friend, who she sees as a brother, ever showed sexual interest in her. She said yes, when they first met, and she made it clear she was not interested and that would never happen. He has never hit on her or brought it up since. Since then she has been engaged in a 7 yearsrelationship, and then dated me. I met him while we dated and could instantly see he is a male whore, and she agrees, though I could tell she truly cared for him and saw him as a friend.

 

She said she gets scared thinking about us dating again as she felt defensive when with me; defensive with her drinking. She has cut way back on her drinking, and as she put it she is back to where she was, more normal, prior to when we met. I told her the same, i am scared to date again not knowing if she truly has cut back, and I do not know what normal drinking is for her. She said when we broke up she took a hard look at herself and realized she did not want to drink as much as she had been, she did not want to be that person, and changed for her.

 

We both agreed the past 5 months has been wonderful, when we did see each other. She said that's who she is now.

 

I have been talking about going no contact, and last night she agreed to it.

 

I am sad, I truly love and care for this woman, yet I know some things are just not right. She feels the same. Each time we talk I feel better, I gain a better understanding of who she is and how she thinks, and so does she. Who knows what the future holds.

[Betterthanthis13]

There are absolutely perfectly acceptable scenarios where *people* buy each other drinks at bars when out socializing. Men, women, a guy dressed up in an elephant suit... It's part of socializing in a bar.

 

That is completely different than a woman who has no problem accepting drinks from strange men as a rule, and/ or expects men to always pick up their drink tab because thats what men do, or that's what they are accustomed to.

[Babolat]

There are absolutely perfectly acceptable scenarios where *people* buy each other drinks at bars when out socializing. Men, women, a guy dressed up in an elephant suit... It's part of socializing in a bar.

 

That is completely different than a woman who has no problem accepting drinks from strange men as a rule, and/ or expects men to always pick up their drink tab because thats what men do, or that's what they are accustomed to.

 

I thought about the reverse; if I was out with a group of buddies, maybe one of us was celebrating something, and a woman or group of woman bought us a round of drinks. I would accept that drink. Should they come over to talk, I would make it clear, if I saw they were looking for more than just talk, that I was unavailable.

 

That is the message she delivered to me in person last night; it's not the message I heard over text.

 

And she does not expect her male friends to pay. She clearly said when she made more money she would offer to pay, and did, many times. She told me I have never seen that because since I have known her she has been trying to get back on her feet financially; her male friends know that, so they pay, no questions asked. She said she is making mor emoney now and there will be a time very soon where she will be able to offer to pay again.

 

I invite my sister out all the time. She is strapped for funds, I know that, so I offer to pay, and she accepts. I do so as I enjoy her company and want her to come out. I would do the same for a close female friend.

 

Talking to her in person last night, finishing up our brief talk from last Friday, and getting clarity on a lot of texts this week, really helped me understand her better.

[Betterthanthis13]

Maybe she does have integrity when it comes to accepting drinks or meals from men, and she is simply situationally strapped for cash and will be very generous to the people who picked up the tab for her when she gets back on her feet. That is possible.

 

If she worked in a bar for a long time I'm sure she knows the difference between taking advantage of people for free drinks, and socializing. Which one is she doing? I don't know.

 

People who are doing the wrong thing will sometimes try to cover it up by explaining their poor behavior with what seems like reasonable excuses. So the important thing is to make your analysis based on the actions and not the words. Just because something can't be proved true doesnt mean it is false. So you are really the only one who can determine what you think about what she is all about- just try to keep your mind focused on what you have observed her actions have been over the time you have known her, and not the words she uses to explain her behavior.

[Babolat]

Maybe she does have integrity when it comes to accepting drinks or meals from men, and she is simply situationally strapped for cash and will be very generous to the people who picked up the tab for her when she gets back on her feet. That is possible.

 

If she worked in a bar for a long time I'm sure she knows the difference between taking advantage of people for free drinks, and socializing. Which one is she doing? I don't know.

 

People who are doing the wrong thing will sometimes try to cover it up by explaining their poor behavior with what seems like reasonable excuses. So the important thing is to make your analysis based on the actions and not the words. Just because something can't be proved true doesnt mean it is false. So you are really the only one who can determine what you think about what she is all about- just try to keep your mind focused on what you have observed her actions have been over the time you have known her, and not the words she uses to explain her behavior.

 

Agreed, 100%. Her actions in front of me (while dating and since) have been 100% high integrity, she is 100% with me and represents herself that way.

 

Regarding the "free" drink. She said "why not accept a free drink as long as you make it very clear you are accepting it socially, you are not available, you are not interested in the man that way should the man show that kind of intent". She said in her experience as a bartender she saw both sides, the man, or men, who would buy women drinks and never approach them or talk to them, they just did it because they wanted to. She referred to these types of men as "gentlemen". They saw a woman by herself, or saw a group of woman having fun and just wanted to send a drink their way. They never approached the woman.

 

And then the ones who did it with intent. She said while in a LTR she never accepted the latter and never will. She made it very clear she does not lead a man on for drinks and in many cases has turned down a drink, or even poured it on them if they were aggressive.

[Betterthanthis13]

I disagree with her "gentlemen" comment. Men buy drinks for strange women because they like looking at them and have a pretty girl pay them some attention, and 99.9% of the time hope that something more will develop. Otherwise, if they were just looking for an interesting bar conversation, they would be buying drinks for the guy sitting in the corner by himself or the overweight grandma sitting at a bar table knitting and having a glass of Pinot Grigio.

[Betterthanthis13]

She said "why not accept a free drink as long as you make it very clear you are accepting it socially, you are not available, you are not interested in the man that way should the man show that kind of intent"

 

If she was my friend and telling me she was frustrated her bf didnt understand that she had integrity and he was being a pain in the ass about her bar going activities--- My question to her would be: Why consistently put yourself in situations where you have to deal with this nonsense? Do you want to be single or be in a relationship? Why don't his feelings matter? What point are you trying to prove to this guy?