Men buying your SO a drink in a bar

[KungFuJoe]

Well, I actually asked my wife about this and she said, she would not accept a drink from a strange guy, no matter what the circumstance was or how friendly he seemed.

 

She said it would give the wrong impression.

 

She brought up something that I didn't even consider...that what if he tried to slip something into her drink.

[Babolat]

I disagree with her "gentlemen" comment. Men buy drinks for strange women because they like looking at them and have a pretty girl pay them some attention, and 99.9% of the time hope that something more will develop. Otherwise, if they were just looking for an interesting bar conversation, they would be buying drinks for the guy sitting in the corner by himself or the overweight grandma sitting at a bar table knitting and having a glass of Pinot Grigio.

 

Ha! I pretty much said the same to her, and asked her how she would feel if I was in a bar and bought a drink for a woman...

[Babolat]

She said "why not accept a free drink as long as you make it very clear you are accepting it socially, you are not available, you are not interested in the man that way should the man show that kind of intent"

 

If she was my friend and telling me she was frustrated her bf didnt understand that she had integrity and he was being a pain in the ass about her bar going activities--- My question to her would be: Why consistently put yourself in situations where you have to deal with this nonsense? Do you want to be single or be in a relationship? Why don't his feelings matter? What point are you trying to prove to this guy?

 

I brought this up too last night; why do you want to put yourself in a sexually charged environment so often, where men will want to buy you drinks?

[Babolat]

that what if he tried to slip something into her drink.

And..I brought this up last night. She said "Yeah, I have heard of this happening before".

 

I told her one of my major concerns with her being out drinking, with a male friend, with her gfs, in a sexually charged atmosphere, was just that, something bad could happen. She contends she knows what she is doing, she does not allow herself to get so intoxicated she does not, she has her boundaries and lets those around her know them. I said "still".

[Betterthanthis13]

I think those are valid questions. What was her answer?

[Babolat]

It's not like she did this every weekend while we dated. In 12 months I can think of 5-6 times. All of those times were with her gfs, usually a girls night out to celebrate a birthday, 2 times where when her male best friend came into town for the weekend and her, him and other mutual friends would go out. She invited me to go out with them the 2 times her male friend came into town. I declined.

 

The other times were nights at a friends house, heavy drinking and partying, and she would sleep over. I always told her I was not worried about her friends, what they may do, it was the guy that showed up that she did not know, that "could" do something bad to her while intoxicated. She said this never happened and she alwasy knew who she was partying with.

 

End of the day I did, and do trust her, as far as not "looking", not cheating, not leading a man on intentionally. Her and I are different in how we view this and mostly because of our lifestyles growing up. I really did not party much, she did, almost every night from high school thru her mid 30s.

 

She worked in bars, she was a bartender, she held jobs where it was her job to host parties, entertain high profile folks, make sure they got their drinks and attention...just a different lifestyle. Last night she was very adoment in stating she still kept her integrity and was and is not that type of woman; she prided herself on that and still does.

[Babolat]

I think those are valid questions. What was her answer?

 

To the me buying a strange woman a drink in a bar, she said she knows me and knows I would not do that. She said if I did, and my intentions were more than just being a gentlemen, being social, yes, that would bother her.

 

She said what if I was with a group of friends, there was a girl in the group I did not know, yet she was with the group, would I buy a round of shots/drinks for everyone? My answer was yes. She said that is pretty much how she views what she does..

[Betterthanthis13]

It's not like she did this every weekend while we dated. In 12 months I can think of 5-6 times. All of those times were with her gfs, usually a girls night out to celebrate a birthday, 2 times where when her male best friend came into town for the weekend and her, him and other mutual friends would go out. She invited me to go out with them the 2 times her male friend came into town. I declined.

 

The other times were nights at a friends house, heavy drinking and partying, and she would sleep over. I always told her I was not worried about her friends, what they may do, it was the guy that showed up that she did not know, that "could" do something bad to her while intoxicated. She said this never happened and she alwasy knew who she was partying with.

 

End of the day I did, and do trust her, as far as not "looking", not cheating, not leading a man on intentionally. Her and I are different in how we view this and mostly because of our lifestyles growing up. I really did not party much, she did, almost every night from high school thru her mid 30s.

 

She worked in bars, she was a bartender, she held jobs where it was her job to host parties, entertain high profile folks, make sure they got their drinks and attention...just a different lifestyle. Last night she was very adoment in stating she still kept her integrity and was and is not that type of woman; she prided herself on that and still does.

None of that really sounds like a problem to me- it sounds like a responsible person who really likes to party. So you asking her to change that is equivalent to her asking you to drastically increase your partying. Neither person is really wrong here, just different lifestyle choices. Though I disagree with her position on accepting drinks, that's pretty minimal in the grand scheme of things if she does know how to handle herself and isn't an unfaithful type of person.

 

Look at it like city people vs country people. Neither is wrong- but if you are one or the other, it could be very difficult to switch lifestyle completely

[Babolat]

None of that really sounds like a problem to me- it sounds like a responsible person who really likes to party. So you asking her to change that is equivalent to her asking you to drastically increase your partying. Neither person is really wrong here, just different lifestyle choices. Though I disagree with her position on accepting drinks, that's pretty minimal in the grand scheme of things if she does know how to handle herself and isn't an unfaithful type of person.

 

Look at it like city people vs country people. Neither is wrong- but if you are one or the other, it could be very difficult to switch lifestyle completely

 

This is exactly how I feel, and I realized I got worked up over all the texting this weekend, taking her comments out of context. Talking with her in person last night helped a lot. She had a lot of passion and emotion when she spoke last night, which showed me she really cares and was really bothered with how she thought I was categorizing her, or the bucket I was putting her in. She kept saying over and over "I am not that type of woman".

 

I did try to increase my partying while we dated. And sometimes all was well, though sometimes I simply did not want to, which is when I declined to join her. Or, on some occassions I felt "stuck" when the drinking was increasing and there did not seem to be an end in sight on a particualr night, and I just wanted to go home. That happened a few times, where she was very tipsy, or drunk, engaged in a conversation, usually an emotional one (crying by one or all) with her gfs.

 

The unknown for us at this point is are we closer now in our partying lifestyle than we were when we dated. I am actually drinking/going out a little more, not a lot. She even said last night it would be fun for us to go out and "catch a buzz" tohgether but she is afraid to, afraid how I will react.

 

We have been out a few times in the past 5 months, had 3-4 drinks. In her mind that does not count, as she put it she did not get a buzz, we drank over a long period of time. In her mind, when you drink, you drink for a reason, to get a buzz. I don't necessarily disagree, though I commented that a lot of folks drink for the taste, like having a glass of wine with dinner or drinking a beer or two. She does not view drinking that way. Again, a difference.

Edited September 5, 2013 by Babolat

[Betterthanthis13]

This is exactly how I feel, and I realized I got worked up over all the texting this weekend, taking her comments out of context. Talking with her in person last night helped a lot. She had a lot of passion and emotion when she spoke last night, which showed me she really cares and was really bothered with how she thought I was categorizing her, or the bucket I was putting her in. She kept saying over and over "I am not that type of woman".

 

I did try to increase my partying while we dated. And sometimes all was well, though sometimes I simply did not want to, which is when I declined to join her. Or, on some occassions I felt "stuck" when the drinking was increasing and there did not seem to be an end in sight on a particualr night, and I just wanted to go home. That happened a few times, where she was very tipsy, or drunk, engaged in a conversation, usually an emotional one (crying by one or all) with her gfs.

 

The unknown for us at this point is are we closer now in our partying lifestyle than we were when we dated. I am actually drinking/going out a little more, not a lot. She even said last night it would be fun for us to go out and "catch a buzz" tohgether but she is afraid to, afraid how I will react.

 

We have been out a few times in the past 5 months, had 3-4 drinks. In her mind that does not count, as she put it she did not get a buzz, we drank over a long period of time. In her mind, when you drink, you drink for a reason, to get a buzz. I don't necessarily disagree, though I commented that a lot of folks drink for the taste, like having a glass of wine with dinner or drinking a beer or two. She does not view drinking that way. Again, a difference.

So imagine you get back together- there are several ways to compromise. You go out a bit more and she goes out less (I think that's the approach you were/have been trying, which isn't making anyone happy)

 

Or you each accept than other for how they are, she goes out and parties, you trust her and don't question her to death or judge her for it, and accompany her only when you actually feel like it. She does not pressure you to go out, ever

 

Or take turns. You go out with her on her terms for 6 months, as much as she wants, match her drink for drink, and have fun (no complaining- buy some Advil)

Then for 6 months you are in charge of the social agenda and she puts in the same effort to enjoy life at your pace with no complaining

[Betterthanthis13]

None of those options sound appealing to me. Lol

[Babolat]

Honestly, it sounds like no matter what she does, she keeps being put into a position to have to defend herself to you. That gets so old after a while.

 

I think you're better suited to a librarian type who doesn't go out to bars and doesn't get any male attention. I mean that sincerely. It appears you have a huge problem with your ex because men found her attractive and were offering her drinks or dinner, etc.

 

That a fair assessment. I had no issues with her getting attention from men. It's how she handled/handles that attention that I have an issue with. And I have no issues with girls nights out at a bar. My ex wife did it. Never once did I even think about trust.

 

One piece I am leaving out here is one time, when her male best friend was in town, they went out to party at various bars/clubs, I stayed out with them until midnight then I went home. Before leaving, I asked her if she was going home at the end of the night. She said probably. I said if you don't, come to my house. I never heard from her until 8PM the next day. I have a problem with that. I was very worried about her. She ended up spending the night in his hotel room with another female friend.

 

On top of that, I later found a text in her phone where a man was texting her that night/morning at 3AM asking her to meet him for breakfast. She replied "Hi darling, who is this". He replied "I am the good looking man you were talking to at the bar". She did not reply back. She told me once she knew who it was she did not reply.

 

When I asked her why she gave out her #, she said he would not leave her alone at the bar. Later that changed to he was trying to get into the cab so she gave it to him to get rid of him and later that changed to "I was talking to a group of folks, we were leaving, I gave my # to all of them out loud, he must have written it down". Later that changed to "I am in sales/marketing, I network, I am always giving my # out and men just call me"

 

So, I think I have reasons for being concerned.

 

I believe there was no intent with her in the above incident. I trusted her then, and still do. It's the fact the she regularly puts herself in an environment where something bad could happen; a man could slip something into her drink, she gets drunk and sexually assaulted, she jumps in a cab with new friends, ends up who knows where as she is drunk/intoxicated, she drinks until she passes out at her friends houses.

 

I have no issues with a man flirting with or talking to my woman and I have no issues with her going to a bar to have fun. Do it with class, dignity and respect though. And, maybe she does, I never saw her in these environments with her gfs, male friends, and I am sure a lot of this is my association with what goes on in bars, which I never did.

Edited September 6, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

Honestly, it sounds like no matter what she does, she keeps being put into a position to have to defend herself to you. That gets so old after a while.

 

I understand this...

 

In 12 months of dating, I recall 3-4 times where we talked about our differences in drinking, and I did not attack her, accuse her, judge her. I would say the difference concerned me. She would say "I am not changing, accept me for who I am. I have plans to slow down more, but not now"

 

Ironically, since I broke up with her, she is making changes.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Oh lord.

 

 

Thank god my man would just be happy he isn't the one paying for them.

If a man wants to buy me a drink **** yeah I'll accept.

 

 

 

 

Insecurities dude, not attractive. My man knows it takes a lot more than buying me a drink to whisk me away.

[Divasu]

It's not like she did this every weekend while we dated. In 12 months I can think of 5-6 times. All of those times were with her gfs, usually a girls night out to celebrate a birthday, 2 times where when her male best friend came into town for the weekend and her, him and other mutual friends would go out. She invited me to go out with them the 2 times her male friend came into town. I declined.

 

The other times were nights at a friends house, heavy drinking and partying, and she would sleep over. I always told her I was not worried about her friends, what they may do, it was the guy that showed up that she did not know, that "could" do something bad to her while intoxicated. She said this never happened and she alwasy knew who she was partying with.

 

End of the day I did, and do trust her, as far as not "looking", not cheating, not leading a man on intentionally. Her and I are different in how we view this and mostly because of our lifestyles growing up. I really did not party much, she did, almost every night from high school thru her mid 30s.

 

She worked in bars, she was a bartender, she held jobs where it was her job to host parties, entertain high profile folks, make sure they got their drinks and attention...just a different lifestyle. Last night she was very adoment in stating she still kept her integrity and was and is not that type of woman; she prided herself on that and still does.

 

 

5-6 times within 12 months? That's the equivalent to going out once every two months and that is hardly a lot. My impression (from how you painted it), was she was going out all the time.

 

Whatever the case may be, you've essentially taken on the role of a parent. IF she's the type that is looking for a father figure, it will work to your advantage. If she's not looking for a father figure, it will kill off the relationship altogether. Power struggles can only last for so long...

[Babolat]

5-6 times within 12 months? That's the equivalent to going out once every two months and that is hardly a lot. My impression (from how you painted it), was she was going out all the time.

 

Whatever the case may be, you've essentially taken on the role of a parent. IF she's the type that is looking for a father figure, it will work to your advantage. If she's not looking for a father figure, it will kill off the relationship altogether. Power struggles can only last for so long...

 

Well, there were many, many more heavy drinking weekends, these were just the ones at bars. Other times were with me, at a family event/weekend, friends parties, etc.

 

From a psychological point of view, yeah, she probably is looking for a father as hers abandoned her when she was 5, her mom did too.

 

miss_jaclynrae, if your man is OK with you sitting in a bar letting men buy you drinks all night when he is not present, you delivering a message that you are available because you are accepting those drinks, or maybe not available but interested, he is a better man that I am.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Well, there were many, many more heavy drinking weekends, these were just the ones at bars. Other times were with me, at a family event/weekend, friends parties, etc.

 

From a psychological point of view, yeah, she probably is looking for a father as hers abandoned her when she was 5, her mom did too.

 

miss_jaclynrae, if your man is OK with you sitting in a bar letting men buy you drinks all night when he is not present, you delivering a message that you are available because you are accepting those drinks, or maybe not available but interested, he is a better man that I am.

 

 

 

I don't understand how you automatically assume because I accept the drink means I am delivering a message I am interested?

You know how many people, men and women I meet at bars?

Believe it or not, the only person I really talk about IS my man, if a guy wants to buy me a drink knowing I have a man, that is his problem. Not mine.

[Divasu]

Well, there were many, many more heavy drinking weekends, these were just the ones at bars. Other times were with me, at a family event/weekend, friends parties, etc.

 

From a psychological point of view, yeah, she probably is looking for a father as hers abandoned her when she was 5, her mom did too.

 

I didn't read that part, my apologies.

 

So, it is excessive...

 

Male friends who she's known for awhile buying her drinks when she's out with a group of friends is one thing, but if she is constantly having men who are strangers approach her and buy her drinks one-on-one, it does not look good. Sounds like she's coasting off of free drinks quite often.

[Babolat]

I didn't read that part, my apologies.

 

So, it is excessive...

 

Male friends who she's known for awhile buying her drinks when she's out with a group of friends is one thing, but if she is constantly having men who are strangers approach her and buy her drinks one-on-one, it does not look good. Sounds like she's coasting off of free drinks quite often.

 

As she put it to me when we talked last week "It's a free drink, why not accept it!"

 

I don't know how much 1:1 there was while we dated in bars, my guess is little. And, as I have processed the group setting, where the girls are out having a good time, a man or group of men send drinks their way, I am OK with that.

 

miss_jaclynrae, we'll agree to disagree. If a woman delivers a message that she is not available and she lets a man buy her drinks still, to me, low class, and the woman is using the man for free drinks. And the man may hear "boyfriend, husband, SO", but he is not getting the message "I am not available" if you are accepting drink after drink...he ain't buying you drinks cause he is a nice guy..he wants something, you know it.

 

The 28 year woman I hung out with for about a month a while back, I knew she had a boyfriend yet she let me take her out and buy her drinks anyway. She delivered a message to me "I have a boyfriend, but....."

[RedRobin]

OP, I suggest you stop buying women drinks and stuff unless you know them well.

 

This little tradition is stale and ridiculous in an age where women can and are expected to pull their own weight financially.

 

Personally, I don't have the highest regard for women who accept such from strangers without at least offering to pay for themselves. Intentions become quite clear in that case.

 

OTOH, if you want the kind of woman you have to pay for and buy things for in order to keep her around... then go ahead.

 

That probably is the best way to bridge the age gap and lots of other gaps... (ie the 28 year old).... Dangle the $$...

[veggirl]

I don't accept. I agree with you Bab, it gives off the vibe of "I'm technically taken but..." and it just doesn't sit too well with me. Plus, neither me or my bf are so broke that we are gonna high-five over saving $7 or whatever on a freakin drink

[StanMusial]

If he bought me one too then its OK.

 

Years ago there was this one sleazeball that used to hang around my old crew infrequently. He was a wannabe player that never tried to talk to any girls except the gf's in our group when they were out with us. I actually knew him for a few years and never saw him with a girl. Anyway we were at the bar one night and he walked up and handed a beer to my gf. I took it out of her hand and said, "Thanks Billy" over my shoulder and told my gf "C'mon let's dance" and pulled her out on the dance floor. I enjoyed my free beer.

 

The point is, you have to nip that mess in the bud. Even if a girl has no intentions beyond enjoying a free drink, she is putting herself in a bad position by accepting.

[Divasu]

As she put it to me when we talked last week "It's a free drink, why not accept it!"

 

I don't know how much 1:1 there was while we dated in bars, my guess is little. And, as I have processed the group setting, where the girls are out having a good time, a man or group of men send drinks their way, I am OK with that.

 

miss_jaclynrae, we'll agree to disagree. If a woman delivers a message that she is not available and she lets a man buy her drinks still, to me, low class, and the woman is using the man for free drinks. And the man may hear "boyfriend, husband, SO", but he is not getting the message "I am not available" if you are accepting drink after drink...he ain't buying you drinks cause he is a nice guy..he wants something, you know it.

 

The 28 year woman I hung out with for about a month a while back, I knew she had a boyfriend yet she let me take her out and buy her drinks anyway. She delivered a message to me "I have a boyfriend, but....."

 

Valid points. But I am confused on something...Why were you spending time one-on-one with a taken woman? You're against the whole premise of it, yet, are doing it yourself?

[dichotomy]

My view - If a woman is an a semi serious relationship she does not accept drinks from strangers.

 

Again it it was me - the way I would present it "I am not insecure nor mistrusting, but it is a sign of disrespect to the me and my commitment to you for you to accept gifts from strange men. "

[carhill]

My view - If a woman is an a semi serious relationship she does not accept drinks from strangers.

 

Again it it was me - the way I would present it "I am not insecure nor mistrusting, but it is a sign of disrespect to the me and my commitment to you for you to accept gifts from strange men. "

I agree and, given the equality of the day, I would opine that works both ways, in that a committed man should not accept a drink from a lady, as women IME routinely buy drinks for others these days.

 

IMO, your assertion is not new. It was common, or so I was told by my mom, back when she was dancing with servicemen at the USO clubs in the early-mid 1940's. Of course, the servicemen would buy her drinks, which she accepted from some while she was single. Receiving drinks, and dancing with different men, was part of the social climate back then. She never drank much, being the child of an alcoholic father, but accepted non-alcoholic drinks. It was supposedly very disrespectful for a stranger to buy a woman a drink who was married or appeared to be together with another man, as well as to ask her to dance. In some ways, times have changed, but I think these principles of social behavior should remain upheld.