wrinkledforhead Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 Is the middle of the end always this painful? His end with her. Guilt. Fear. Depression. Anxiety. Occasional objectivity. Aloneness. Three people and we're all hurt and broken. Link to post Share on other sites
Red Wolverine Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 Is the middle of the end always this painful? His end with her. Guilt. Fear. Depression. Anxiety. Occasional objectivity. Aloneness. Three people and we're all hurt and broken. This sparked the end for he and I so get ready. Regardless of how this turns out, it's not easy to watch/hear about another person being devastated and not feel those things. Strange contradiction to get what you want yet feel terrible in the process. Very telling. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 Cause and effect happening now. First - when you two became close it caused him to rethink his primary R. And consider ending it. A reaction to the new action. Second - he intends to leave - new action - and now will need time to adjust to her reaction to his new action. It takes time to sort through the emotions of the new action and the reactions that follow with the reactions. What he does or doesn't do while the reaction is taking place will tell you about him. Is he reassuring you that he still intends to follow through on his intentions? Is communicating openly and honestly? Is he a man of his word? If not, he may not be able to leave her. What is he doing the past few days? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 Cause and effect happening now. First - when you two became close it caused him to rethink his primary R. And consider ending it. A reaction to the new action. Second - he intends to leave - new action - and now will need time to adjust to her reaction to his new action. It takes time to sort through the emotions of the new action and the reactions that follow with the reactions. What he does or doesn't do while the reaction is taking place will tell you about him. Is he reassuring you that he still intends to follow through on his intentions? Is communicating openly and honestly? Is he a man of his word? If not, he may not be able to leave her. What is he doing the past few days? Yes to the entirety of the first part. He went to her Friday and he went to her last night. She's a mess. He feels guilty. Depressed. Pain. Loss. Last night was to answer questions. She doesn't understand. She's in denial its over. She offered to work through it. He shut that down. She's begging him to stay. He leaves. She cries. I'm over here in somewhat of a state of shock. He hasn't wavered in his decision to leave her since he decided to a little over a week ago. The process is killing all of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 Yes. He opens and communicates honestly. And still. He has broken his words a few times. Not frequently, and usually with just cause. And of course I always understand, because I'm the mistress. I say that with a small bit of bitterness. And then again he always works to understand me, too. It's not one-sided. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 Has HE been totally honest with HER? It might look like this: I am ending this because I want to explore feelings I have growing for someone else... IF he not putting his truth out to her - of course she's gonna think there is something they COULD work on together! I'd be pissed if my guy went back last night - because that means he's spending his time and energy focused on HER feelings! And it probably means he's not being honest with her! And it probably means she is pursuading with sex!!! And you can bet they COUKD have any conversation by PHONE... But if his body is with her - you can bet she's gonna manipulate to get him back. WHY did he say he had to go to her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 This was the end for me and xMM. When reality hit, despite all of his words of deep love for me beforehand, he couldn't do it. It hurts like crazy. I ask myself daily how could he do that. It is because it is easier (no one gets hurt but me) and he doesn't have the courage to do what your xMM is doing. His wife lost 30 pounds in a year and couldn't handle losing him. I knew it was a lost cause when he couldn't move out (due to financial reasons? Yeah right) I knew the longer he stayed there, the more confused everyone would be. His wife and daughters made him feel guilty and awful about himself. At least, your MM is standing up for what he wants. I hope it is a decision he feels is the right choice and has no regrets down the road. That is what I feared with xMM that he would blame me for his guilt down the road. Good luck to you. Honesty is the best medicine. The truth is hard for those in denial. Hopefully his wife will come to see that she is better off with a man who loves her fully. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 I would not expect that he went over to see her so that she could yell and scream at him. What did he say was his reason for going to see her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 But if his body is with her - you can bet she's gonna manipulate to get him back. Very true. Very true. With xMM not able to leave, he was easily manipulated. I can only imagine what the conversations were like in the house. Probably from wife and girls degrading comments about me left and right. Comments to make xMM feel guilty. "I wonder who will cut the grass. the girls will miss these everyday moments with you if you leave. Etc." I was also a fool to believe they didn't have sex. I was naive. They still slept in the same bed. Duh. If your xMM is leaving, he better do it cleanly and honestly. It is more fair to everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Calcmag Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 From OP's previous info, this guy is not married or living with the woman he's breaking up with. And also they haven't had sex for quite some time, by his choice apparently, so I'm sure she can't tempt him to stay that way I do hope this man will actually go through with this. At one point in my A, exMM was leaving his W. But he said she was so devastated he simply couldn't go through with it....that was BS as it turns out but of course I believed his side of the story and felt sorry for him being imprisoned by the 'psycho b*tch' and it was quite some time before I found out the real truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Calcmag Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 He does her a disservice by dragging it out, making her cling to hope. This. Now he's saying he's ended it, and gone back yesterday to answer her questions - give her 'closure' I guess - now its time for him to go NC with her and stay NC. They are not married. They dont share property together or have kids. There is no reason at all for him to have any further contact with her. That would be the fairest thing to do for her anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 Since it's something most of us haven't done before none of us would probably do it perfectly. At least he's doing it! When my psychologist Xbf broke off with his fiancee, he did it after our first or second date so I didn't have to be a part of it. I was unaware it was happening except for once when she called his house and I was there. She was yelling/shouting into the phone. He was calm, firm and brief with her. However, I'm sure they'd already had plenty of conversations unbeknownst to me as the break up took several weeks. So, I wouldn't be concerned that this seems to be dragging out. He's doing it the way he needs to do it in order to move on and not have to go back and retread territory that you and he need to have behind you as you begin a new phase of your R. Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 Calcmag, I can relate totally. I wouldn't hear from him on the weekends until like noon. He complained he was a prisoner on the weekends. I'm now wondering if it was the total opposite. Making love on weekends mornings and doing errands together on weekends. I wish I knew the truth. It would help me heal. I need to know why he stayed when he said he was so unhappy. This man needs to separate totally for everyone's sake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 He wavers. I'm shattered. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 So sorry Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 Wrinkledforehead, There is pain either way. We will be there for you. Others have walked this path before you. No matter which way it ends, there are people here to talk you through it. Be strong. You are not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 Wrinkledforehead, There is pain either way. We will be there for you. Others have walked this path before you. No matter which way it ends, there are people here to talk you through it. Be strong. You are not alone. I'm falling apart. I've been in a state of shock. I shook for three hours. I can't stop staring at walls. I can't make sense of this. I can't eat. My body rejects it. My sleep is haunted by nightmares. I can't make sense of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 I'm in so much pain Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 I think that's part of the hard part of A's. A lot of it just really does not make sense at all. I'm sorry, hon. Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 I don't know if this will help, but If he gets his ducks in a row, and you can be together, then that's great. However it will still be a long hard road. And if he doesn't, well you dodged a bullet... because if he couldn't man up now when the chips are down, do you really want him anyway? Hope this helps. Its harsh but its my reality, too. (((Hugs))) Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 I don't know if this will help, but If he gets his ducks in a row, and you can be together, then that's great. However it will still be a long hard road. And if he doesn't, well you dodged a bullet... because if he couldn't man up now when the chips are down, do you really want him anyway? Hope this helps. Its harsh but its my reality, too. (((Hugs))) I deserve more. I have so much to offer as a person. I have value. How could he say for months that he has to leave her and go through the preparation to do so and steel himself for it and then crumble in the face of her pain? And even as I say that I know the answer is commitment. But I don't understand. I don't understand the waver. Why even bother putting everyone through this if he's going to stay with her? He should have let me go when I had the resolve. I should have been stronger. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 I think that's part of the hard part of A's. A lot of it just really does not make sense at all. I'm sorry, hon. Thank you. I'm grief stricken. I'm heart broken. I'm going to need a lot of help to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 Does he wavered = he's changed his mind completely? Link to post Share on other sites
KentuckyGent Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 I'm right with you Wrinkled. Wish I could say it is easy but it isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 Does he wavered = he's changed his mind completely? No. He says he doesn't know if he can be with me but the answer isn't no. I ask him if he is going to be with her and he says he doesn't know. He was so firm in his resolve. I don't understand what happened. I'm falling apart I need a hug I can't stop crying Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts