Anna-Belle Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 BUT she seems okay with being the other woman while he takes steps in his own pace to end his committed relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Anna-Belle Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 That is what we were discussing. She said herself, her actions are that she is OK with being OW, but what she has been telling him (and us) is that she is not ok with it. Well, it's actions that counts not words, right? For me I was the OW under protest. I did not want to be the OW. Yet I'd rather be the OW than not have a relationship with the man I loved. Maybe it's similar for the OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 BUT she seems okay with being the other woman while he takes steps in his own pace to end his committed relationship. That's the whole problem- her actions aren't matching her words. She doesn't want to be OW, doesn't want anyone knowing she was OW- but continues to accept the role. There is a disconnect there. Is she OK with being OW? Probably not, but his attention feels too good to give up. So she's hoping and waiting. She is loving the idea of this man- not the reality of this man. I feel like OP is ignoring obvious negative traits about this man's character. She admitted that she feels empty without him, and that her needs have been neglected for a long time. This is a trap that many single moms fall into. Their loneliness and vulnerability get taken advantage of because their need for attention and validation are so strong. And so easy to meet. As my teenager would say "OP is thirsty". Her thirsty-ness is causing rationlization (net happiness). It's understandable. I get it. I just think it's unhealthy. You shouldn't medicate self worth issues with a man. It works in the short term, but never in the long term. What often happens in these situations is that the mother gets all wrapped up in the drama & pain of her relationship, while the kids needs are marginalized. I'm not saying that is happening with OP, but it's something she should be aware of. Lots of single moms (and even married ones in affairs) say they unintentionally became distant from their kids due to the emotional turmoil of an affair, or a relationship with an unhealthy person. It's so hard to see when you are in the thick of it. I guess I just want to give OP an outsider's perspective. I suspect that her need for attention and validation are the motivation for her choices, and I don't think that is smart. Especially when you have small children. As is my usual motivation for posting in OW forum, I want OW to feel that they are worth more than this. Not just to logically know & say that they deserve more, but to actually live their lives in ways that reflect their worth. I want OW to consider that their MM is really a damaged and selfish man- to evaluate the actions and life choices of this man, and not base their opinon on the way he makes them feel. I want OW to understand that what feels like love, and what feels like a strong connection, is often just a manifestation of our own issues (usually from our family of origin). I don't think all MM are horrible, manipulative jerks... some are just screwed up, confused individuals that will make your life miserable if you let them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 9, 2013 Author Share Posted September 9, 2013 BUT she seems okay with being the other woman while he takes steps in his own pace to end his committed relationship. Yes. I am. And we actually discussed things brought up by some of you. He's leaving her. He's evaluating himself to see what's holding him back from just saying it. Besides the one time when he couldn't reassure me we'd be together on the other side of this, he's maintained that hes leaving her. I can't force him to say words. I've pointed out that this current state puts undue strain on all of us. In the end, no, I don't want to be the other woman. Today is today, and today I am, and I'm continuing to love my friend through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
It-is-what-it-is. Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 Yes. I am. And we actually discussed things brought up by some of you. He's leaving her. He's evaluating himself to see what's holding him back from just saying it. Besides the one time when he couldn't reassure me we'd be together on the other side of this, he's maintained that hes leaving her. I can't force him to say words. I've pointed out that this current state puts undue strain on all of us. In the end, no, I don't want to be the other woman. Today is today, and today I am, and I'm continuing to love my friend through this. Ok...then nevermind. Link to post Share on other sites
shortee Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 (edited) BUT she seems okay with being the other woman while he takes steps in his own pace to end his committed relationship. Really? and how has he taken steps to end his committed relationship? He is all words no action. He's not married. They have no kids. They have no legal ties to each other. Yet he goes there and spends time with his current gf and only made vague references to his unhappiness with her. Why can't he just gently tell his gf that it's not her fault, he's not happy, and he would like both of them to move on. His actions are not of a man planning on leaving his current relationship. His actions are that he is stringing along his current gf and manipulating the OP. She seems to be easily manipulated and makes excuses for his inaction. Or stringing along the OP and lying to both partners, which makes him a sociopath. This "evaluation" of himself sounds like bs and more manipulation. Actions speak louder than words. You don't see that he's using psychological buzzwords to create a false impression of the truth. But it's quite obvious to any outsider that he's not leaving her any time soon. Edited September 9, 2013 by shortee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 Can you tell me why you believe him now? Link to post Share on other sites
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