MM told me he has to stop EA because of his W. Can't let him go.

[CODgirl]

I started a new job about a month ago. Almost immediately I hit it off with one of my coworkers. He is 32. I am 25. His wife is A LOT older than him. 40 I think.

 

At first our communication was limited to him coming over to my desk every afternoon to chat. We have so much in common, we play the same video games and love the same music and movies. Soon we were talking more, taking breaks together etc. I even asked him to run work errands with me and he agreed.

 

There was definitely more than a friendship developing as we were really beginning to flirt. He talked about his wife in very generic terms like he told me about the vacation they went on but he never talked about her with any passion or interest. He told his wife he would be working late just so we could hang out after work and talk every night. We never went out any where but we had talked about eventually doing something after work when he could find the time.

 

I was having a lot of family problems and he provided lots of support and advice. It got to the point that I was going to him almost daily for help. I kept telling him how I didn't know how I would get by without him and he told me he would always be there to help.

 

I gave him my phone number on particularly bad day and told him I could really use friend. He texted me later that night to see if I was OK which set off 3 day marathon texting session. He told me he was being discreet from his wife but every time I contacted him he wrote back almost immediately. The messages started out about my problems but progressed to flirting, and some suggestive content. He told me he liked talking to me and was looking forward to seeing me at work on Monday.

 

This was around midnight on Sat. At 2 am I got a message from my brother that got me very upset and I reached out to him to see if he was awake to talk. I did not hear back from him but figured the wife was around. At 7pm on Sunday he called me and told me that our friendship was a mistake. He said it was unfair to his wife who he loves and that he cannot jeopardize his marriage. He said I am a great person and that he likes me very much but that for the sake of the marriage we were going to have to be strictly professional from now in.

 

That was a week ago and since then he has been polite but all business. I have tried to talk to him about other stuff but he always says he is sorry but has to get back to work. It is killing me being around him. I know we have something and I can't imagine his wife could have as much to share with him. I want to message him and tell him I miss him but think that maybe if I just am patient he will stop trying to placate his wife and resume what we have.

 

Has this happened to anyone? Will the MM come back on his own or would a little push help? I can't help but feel he misses me too.

[CarrieT]

I know we have something a

Nope. You have nothing but a fantasy and a crush.

 

I can't imagine his wife could have as much to share with him.

That is because you are projecting what you want into the situation.

 

I want to message him and tell him I miss him but think that maybe if I just am patient he will stop trying to placate his wife and resume what we have.

Leave him alone. He told you he is working on his marriage.

 

Has this happened to anyone? Will the MM come back on his own or would a little push help? I can't help but feel he misses me too.

It has happened all too often. But you shouldn't go there and you know it.

[fanine]

Run away as fast as you can. I beg you. He has done the honourable thing. He sees this is wrong. He has not tried to have sex with you. If there is something wrong with his marriage he will sort it out alone, and far better for him to do that away from you. Be grateful he has been honest now and try and find a single man who can give you these things. Good luck x

[Speakingofwhich]

Honestly, he's making a very wise decision that will benefit not only he and his wife, but you, too! Honor his decision and he will respect you. If you continue to push it, you will only become annoying in his eyes. Find a single guy. Sorry, don't mean to be harsh. It's for your own best good!

[MissBee]

CODgirl....

 

Listen to what this man is saying. You all are not even in an affair, he has realized things are becoming inappropriate and is letting you know he loves his wife and wants to maintain a professional friendship. You have to respect that. ALL of us are susceptible to developing outside attraction, you and he may have done so, but he put the brakes on it.That's what honorable men do. He never pursued you for an affair but things developed innocently until he realized it was getting to be too much. That's not the same kind of dynamic as MM who are out trolling for an affair and don't care one way or another or who are saying they are so unhappy and are actively making themselves available for an affair.

 

You don't know what his relationship is like with his wife. He married her for a reason and he's not like some MM who are saying all kinds of bad stuff about her...he's told you he loves her. You all haven't been texting and it got a bit much, but he really hasn't said much of anything to you neither have you gotten physical neither has it been some ongoing PA. For your own sanity you have to respect that he is a decent guy who is already taken and doesn't want to get into an affair. Don't convince yourself he misses you too. Think about it: which one makes him a better person, the fact that he is forthright with you and won't enter an inappropriate relationship or the fact that he would? I understand it can feel flattering and special to be able to get a MM to be in a relationship with you, but usually it's a dead-end and this man is saving you the drama of stringing you along and then dropping you, as he never wanted to leave his wife to begin with. This man doesn't want an affair and even if he did, why settle for being his secret OW, when he loves his wife and isn't leaving her? He isn't the last man on earth. Respect his wishes and find a new friend.

Edited September 2, 2013 by MissBee

[Ladydrib]

I started a new job about a month ago. Almost immediately I hit it off with one of my coworkers. He is 32. I am 25. His wife is A LOT older than him. 40 I think.

 

At first our communication was limited to him coming over to my desk every afternoon to chat. We have so much in common, we play the same video games and love the same music and movies. Soon we were talking more, taking breaks together etc. I even asked him to run work errands with me and he agreed.

 

There was definitely more than a friendship developing as we were really beginning to flirt. He talked about his wife in very generic terms like he told me about the vacation they went on but he never talked about her with any passion or interest. He told his wife he would be working late just so we could hang out after work and talk every night. We never went out any where but we had talked about eventually doing something after work when he could find the time.

 

I was having a lot of family problems and he provided lots of support and advice. It got to the point that I was going to him almost daily for help. I kept telling him how I didn't know how I would get by without him and he told me he would always be there to help.

 

I gave him my phone number on particularly bad day and told him I could really use friend. He texted me later that night to see if I was OK which set off 3 day marathon texting session. He told me he was being discreet from his wife but every time I contacted him he wrote back almost immediately. The messages started out about my problems but progressed to flirting, and some suggestive content. He told me he liked talking to me and was looking forward to seeing me at work on Monday.

 

This was around midnight on Sat. At 2 am I got a message from my brother that got me very upset and I reached out to him to see if he was awake to talk. I did not hear back from him but figured the wife was around. At 7pm on Sunday he called me and told me that our friendship was a mistake. He said it was unfair to his wife who he loves and that he cannot jeopardize his marriage. He said I am a great person and that he likes me very much but that for the sake of the marriage we were going to have to be strictly professional from now in.

 

That was a week ago and since then he has been polite but all business. I have tried to talk to him about other stuff but he always says he is sorry but has to get back to work. It is killing me being around him. I know we have something and I can't imagine his wife could have as much to share with him. I want to message him and tell him I miss him but think that maybe if I just am patient he will stop trying to placate his wife and resume what we have.

 

Has this happened to anyone? Will the MM come back on his own or would a little push help? I can't help but feel he misses me too.

 

He definitely loves his wife and certainly values her much more than you. That's why he told you he cannot "jeopardize his marriage". You need to forget about him. Not so that "maybe he'll come back to you" but because he's made himself clear.

 

It sounds as though you have a lot of growing up to do, regardless, before you get into any relationships which you would hope to become long-term. I say this because if you are evaluating your compatibility with this man based on "playing similar video games", do you really think this will be an important factor to you 5-10 years down the road?

 

If you can't get him out of your head simply by respecting his wishes and respecting the fact he's married, then you need to change jobs.

 

I know you might feel hurt now, but trust me, it could have gotten much worse.

[Goodbye]

Leave him alone. He did the right thing. Now you should do the same.

[Feb]

I started a new job about a month ago. Almost immediately I hit it off with one of my coworkers. He is 32. I am 25. His wife is A LOT older than him. 40 I think.

 

At first our communication was limited to him coming over to my desk every afternoon to chat. We have so much in common, we play the same video games and love the same music and movies. Soon we were talking more, taking breaks together etc. I even asked him to run work errands with me and he agreed.

 

There was definitely more than a friendship developing as we were really beginning to flirt. He talked about his wife in very generic terms like he told me about the vacation they went on but he never talked about her with any passion or interest. He told his wife he would be working late just so we could hang out after work and talk every night. We never went out any where but we had talked about eventually doing something after work when he could find the time.

 

I was having a lot of family problems and he provided lots of support and advice. It got to the point that I was going to him almost daily for help. I kept telling him how I didn't know how I would get by without him and he told me he would always be there to help.

 

I gave him my phone number on particularly bad day and told him I could really use friend. He texted me later that night to see if I was OK which set off 3 day marathon texting session. He told me he was being discreet from his wife but every time I contacted him he wrote back almost immediately. The messages started out about my problems but progressed to flirting, and some suggestive content. He told me he liked talking to me and was looking forward to seeing me at work on Monday.

 

This was around midnight on Sat. At 2 am I got a message from my brother that got me very upset and I reached out to him to see if he was awake to talk. I did not hear back from him but figured the wife was around. At 7pm on Sunday he called me and told me that our friendship was a mistake. He said it was unfair to his wife who he loves and that he cannot jeopardize his marriage. He said I am a great person and that he likes me very much but that for the sake of the marriage we were going to have to be strictly professional from now in.

 

That was a week ago and since then he has been polite but all business. I have tried to talk to him about other stuff but he always says he is sorry but has to get back to work. It is killing me being around him. I know we have something and I can't imagine his wife could have as much to share with him. I want to message him and tell him I miss him but think that maybe if I just am patient he will stop trying to placate his wife and resume what we have.

 

Has this happened to anyone? Will the MM come back on his own or would a little push help? I can't help but feel he misses me too.

Hi CODGirl,

Listen to the other people on this board --forget this man and move on. In addition to being the morally right thing to do, ending this will save you a lot of pain down the road. I really wish I had the same morals and strength as your co-worker and stopped the flirting and texting before it was too late. I'm pretty sure my ex-co-workers wishes he had stopped it early on as well.

 

 

You are young, articulate and have a bright future ahead of you. There are so many guys your age that are single and with no baggage, and I'm positive a lot of them share the same interests with you as well. If COD is for "Call of Duty", there is no shortage of single guys that have that in common with you.

 

 

I don't want to lecture you like a mom, but life experience has taught me a lot of things I wish I listened to before. You have a lot of working years ahead of you. My guess is that down the road there will be another MM that will express interest in you, but he might not be as honorable as your current co-worker, and will be willing to take it further. This is when YOU need to stop it from going further. Read the boards and look at the turmoil affairs have caused.

 

 

Stay away from your co-worker and give him his space. Don't text him anymore. Don't be snotty, rude, or unprofessional. If you do need to engage with him for work purposes, keep it professional. Don't play any games with him like flirting with another guy to try to make him jealous. It only makes you look immature and silly. Over time, you guys will both look back on this as a brief mistake, and be able to work with each other without awkwardness.

[whichwayisup]

I know we have something and I can't imagine his wife could have as much to share with him.

 

One month of talking, flirting and texting with you vs his wife, whom he married and lives with, shares a life with and has children with.

 

Sorry but if you can't let go of him, quit your job and please seek counseling because this is not normal thinking. It's distorted and whatever you feel for him is based on the white knight syndrome as well as you making him out to be perfect. He's far from it and he is UNavailable to you. Don't befriend older MM, let alone any MM and rely on them as a close friend. He should not have allowed this to happen to begin with, but good for him for realizing it's wrong and ending it before something happened between you two physically. I get that you're hurting but he isn't yours..He never was.

 

You've put down his wife, put your own spin on how their marriage is because he hasn't shared any personal info about her or their life together to you, so you are assuming a lot.

 

Anyway, respect him and his wishes, leave him alone. Focus on your job and stop trying to find ways to talk to him at work. Again, if you can't handle seeing him around the office, start looking for another job asap.

[Feb]

Oh, and the texting him at 2am - beyond inappropriate.

 

It's possible to be friends with a married co-worker. I'm friends with one. He and I are like brother and sister. That is the only appropriate relationship with someone married. But yours has now gone past that. Continuing to contact him will probably put your job in jeopardy.

 

This is a great post. I agree it is possible to be friends with a married co-worker of the opposite sex. The general rule of thumb is if you are ok with sharing any of your emails or texts with your spouse or their spouse, it's appropriate and not crossing the line. Same with conversations -- if you wouldn't have that conversation with your co-worker in front of your spouse, you probably shouldn't be having that conversation.

[CODgirl]

I do appreciate everyone's feedback. I understand that he is trying to do right by his marriage. It just feels like what we have or had was so special. I never felt such an instant bond with anyone before. It is hard to believe that one day he was giving me his special smile and telling me I was an incredible person and the next he won't even pass my desk on his way to his office.

 

He seems so much younger than his age that I was just convinced that he would be better with a woman who was not so much older. I keep re reading our texts and thinking about all of our conversations. He chose to stay at work an hour late each night rather than go home to his wife. I know I have to stop reading too much into that but finding someone who really gets you is so rare. I guess I just keep wishing he sees that too.

 

I won't pursue him but it sure hurts bad.

[Ladydrib]

I do appreciate everyone's feedback. I understand that he is trying to do right by his marriage. It just feels like what we have or had was so special. I never felt such an instant bond with anyone before. It is hard to believe that one day he was giving me his special smile and telling me I was an incredible person and the next he won't even pass my desk on his way to his office.

 

He seems so much younger than his age that I was just convinced that he would be better with a woman who was not so much older. I keep re reading our texts and thinking about all of our conversations. He chose to stay at work an hour late each night rather than go home to his wife. I know I have to stop reading too much into that but finding someone who really gets you is so rare. I guess I just keep wishing he sees that too.

 

I won't pursue him but it sure hurts bad.

 

I'm sorry.

 

It's better to hurt and accept reality.

 

Stop reading the texts. Delete them. It will help you heal.

[fanine]

You will be okay. It is only a month, and the feelings may feel genuine but you do hardly know him. A few hours here and there at work, text messages. Not like you went on dates etc.

Best to not keep going over everything. Delete messages etc so you aren't tempted to keep looking. Age is also just a number. You are much younger than him as well.

Being 40 is not over the hill you know My current bfriend is 9 years younger than me. Age is not an issue unless you are teenagers.

Down the road you will thank him for being honourable.

Good luck and try and move on. You have only just started a new job as well. Get out and about with your friends, and you will meet a single guy soon who will make you feel good x

[CarrieT]

He seems so much younger than his age that I was just convinced that he would be better with a woman who was not so much older.

For starters, go back to your first post:

 

I started a new job about a month ago. Almost immediately I hit it off with one of my coworkers. He is 32. I am 25. His wife is A LOT older than him. 40 I think.

Ummmm.... you are seven years younger than him.

 

A wife that is eight years older is not a LOT older.

 

Get some perspective on that fact. You both are roughly the same age difference than the guy and with her, he has history and a reason he married her. You have a month.

 

I keep re reading our texts and thinking about all of our conversations.

The best thing you could do would be to delete them. It is keeping you in that fantasy world of "what if" and you should get away from that. Again, you are projecting.

 

He chose to stay at work an hour late each night rather than go home to his wife.

Maybe he actually had work to do. Maybe she was at a job as well? There are dozens of reasons that they might have been apart during that time.

 

I know I have to stop reading too much into that but finding someone who really gets you is so rare. I guess I just keep wishing he sees that too.

Once again, you are projecting so much possibility into something that was so illusive - and mostly non-existent.

[Calcmag]

Following on from what Fanine wrote. OP you made a point of the age difference between the MM and his W. It's 8 years. But you are 7 years younger than the MM ! Isn't there some hypocrisy there?

It's not your call as to whether he's better off with someone of a different age. He picked his wife.

[Wambo]

Has this happened to anyone?

 

Not me.

 

 

Will the MM come back on his own

 

No! He loves his wife or otherwise he wouldn't putthe stop to the EA in it early stages.

 

or would a little push help?

 

Nope because any teasing or mind games will piss him off and create a toxic working environment.

 

 

I can't help but feel he misses me too.

 

But he doesn't.

 

 

 

 

Other than that you are very lucky. Your situation is minor compared to others.

[Calcmag]

Cross posted with CarrieT in my earlier post.

[sweet_pea]

It hurts now, but it has only been a month. Imagine how much it would hurt if it were 12 months.

 

He did the right thing by putting a stop to the inappropriate relationship. Now it's your turn to do the right thing and not pursue or push.

[psm04]

You might feel bad now, but believe me, it is not as much hurt as what you would be experiencing months or years down the road if you continue to pursue this.

 

He might come back to you, but I highly suggest that you do not get back into the intimate friendship with him. I made that mistake two years ago. Every time things ended because one of us loved our spouses, it was the whole 'let us be friends'. And each time, we ended up falling back into it more than the last time. It's not worth it. Respect his wishes, and stay strong for both of your sake.

[MissBee]

I do appreciate everyone's feedback. I understand that he is trying to do right by his marriage. It just feels like what we have or had was so special. I never felt such an instant bond with anyone before. It is hard to believe that one day he was giving me his special smile and telling me I was an incredible person and the next he won't even pass my desk on his way to his office.

 

He seems so much younger than his age that I was just convinced that he would be better with a woman who was not so much older. I keep re reading our texts and thinking about all of our conversations. He chose to stay at work an hour late each night rather than go home to his wife. I know I have to stop reading too much into that but finding someone who really gets you is so rare. I guess I just keep wishing he sees that too.

 

I won't pursue him but it sure hurts bad.

 

CODgirl,

 

Gently, I think you've really built up this "special" connection a lot more than what it seems to be. His "special smile", instant bond YOU felt, YOU convinced yourself he would be better with you. A lot of this doesn't seem like anything real that he has expressed, just your own fantasy of what you want it to be. For some OW, the MM does go out of his way to say a lot of stuff and woo them and really give them reason to believe they have something special, but in your case, this isn't even an affair and he really doesn't seem to have done that. He smiles at you and you guys text sometimes when you needed a friend, and it got flirty then he stopped and said he loves his wife and wants to keep things professional. Sorry hon, but you've run farther along with this than what was really there for him.

 

Do you do this with other men too? I ask because it may be something you need to work on in general. It is strange to be so hurt and attached to someone that, from the look of it, you didn't really have a deep or lengthy relationship with.

[georgia girl]

CODgirl,

 

I agree with the other posters. He was probably flattered and genuinely was having some fun with you, but you got way too far ahead of him emotionally. The text at 2 am probably sent him running for the hills. It probably also prompted a serious discussion at home about blurred boundaries.

 

Leave him alone. More than anything, I think you risk making yourself look foolish or worse at your new job. And stop living the fantasy. What you see as real wasn't. Do this for yourself and you will be happy.

[bentleychic]

Leave him alone and be grateful that it ended before you fell any harder.

 

/voice of experience

[randomwoman]

Unfortunately, I think you needed too much support from him too soon. Maybe the relationship would have slowly developed over time and he would have been able to/want to support you during an emotional situation but you have to hook them prior to "letting the crazy out". Letting the crazy out includes reaching out for this emotional support IMO. Men are usually uncomfortable with emotional topics with people they love, let alone someone they just recently started communicating with.

 

I think he saw the huge red flags. There is nothing wrong with you as a person, it just wasn't the type of relationship he went into it looking for and it wasn't to the point yet where he felt obligated to provide that emotional support.

 

Good luck.

[randomwoman]

You seem to be saying that if the OP had played her cards better she would have gotten the MM. Actually I think the situation here is that this MM wasn't looking for any kind of relationship outside of his marriage. I think he got caught up for a little while in it but then quickly came to his senses and got out.

 

What you say about men is true of single men but cheating MM actually love love love the damsel in distress. Rescuing the OW is how the cheater gets her hooked. A needy vulnerable OW is liking finding gold to the man who is looking to cheat on his wife. What better way to create an instant emotional bond? Rescue the OW and it's like 0 to 100 MPH on the OWs emotional scale.

 

Depends what kind of wife they have or what kind of man they are. If they have a needy woman at home or are generally turned off by neediness, they don't fall for this damsel thing. If they are only looking for sex, they certainly won't sign up for high maintenance prior to sex even taking place. Who knows..men are all different, darn them.