I'm a female sex addict

[AutumnMoon]

I'm sure Im opening myself up to a lot of criticism even mentioning how easily I am betraying my husband, but I would like to know how common sex addiction is in affairs..

My affair partner and I are both married and intend to stay that way. We both have sex with our spouses (him a lot less than me) but we want more and crazier situations than either of them provide.. It's not even that my husband is unable to.. He probably would if I was more vocal about it but I feel like I do not want him to see me that way as well as the fact my attraction to him is not even close what it is to the other guy.

 

I do my best to keep him happy though I really do at least when he's around! He's often not. My husband I'm talking about.

 

The other guy... We have crazy rough intense sex that is seriously addictive and I can't seem to get enough, I do care a lot about him too.. We connect great emotionally and are great friends.. But I am abosolutly in total lust with him. I don't want it to fade or go away. How do I keep the sexual tension and lust alive and still keep balance.. We both intend to stay in our marriages.. Yes we are safe and tested and there is no pregnancy or std risk.. The only risk is absolute devastation to our families if we are caught... But can we keep this even a little more about the awesome rush of endorphins?? I wanna know how much you love that, and how to make it last...

 

As for sex addiction .. I'd say both me and my OMM are the same sex drive wise and our fantasies are almost parallel .. Our spouses not so much .. His wife has a very low sex drive and only interested in basic love making.. My husband has a high sex drive but not comparable to mine.

 

I don't know how specific I need to get but until I was in this affair I was tense and frustrated a lot and so was OMM.. We both feel a lot more content and balanced and happy now..

 

I'm nervous it won't last. It's been about a year now.

 

I do feel I'm using him for the rush I get.. And him the same.. We get off on everything about this.. As terrible as that sounds, the secret .. Everything.. And it's almost like we use each other to keep our desires and urges from affecting our daily lives.. Our one hour escapes are almost like medication.

 

What do you think about it?

 

I want to be clear.. Not trying to use sexual addiction as an excuse. I'm a big girl I make my own decisions and this affair was a choice.. It happened very gradually.. I had time to stop it and did not. It's not an excuse but I do think its a huge reason I made the decision as well as why I continue.

 

I do know his wife. He does know my husband. We have compartmentalized the affair better than you could probably imagine..

Edited September 2, 2013 by AutumnMoon

[KathyM]

I think you are going to let your addiction to the thrill to ruin your husband, your family, and your marriage. Is it worth it? Cheap thrills as opposed to a healthy marriage and family who loves you? Are cheap thrills your priority in life? Something worth living for? Not worth it IMO.

[AutumnMoon]

I think you are going to let your addiction to the thrill to ruin your husband, your family, and your marriage. Is it worth it? Cheap thrills as opposed to a healthy marriage and family who loves you? Are cheap thrills your priority in life? Something worth living for? Not worth it IMO.

 

That's exactly what it is. Searching for a thrill. But I'm focused on my family, they are the priority but I feel like I'm better at that with the thrill to look forward too! .. I was down a lot before this.. I have always been very high functioning and feel like I have that back now. My husband would claim our relationship has improved in the last year and so would his wife's.

 

Again I'm not saying that makes this ok.. I get why it's morally wrong. I figure that would be discussed but I understand that already..

 

Right now I'm curious how long I can make the rush and the thrill last.. as wrong as that may be.

[Calcmag]

 

Right now I'm curious how long I can make the rush and the thrill last.. as wrong as that may be.

 

From my own experience, the rush and thrill will last as long as the affair is still an affair.. Possibly longer if you were to both divorce, keep seeing one another, but NOT settle into a conventional relationship together.

[Speakingofwhich]

Is there a possibility you could be a little bit bipolar? I'm not suggesting that you are but it might be something to check into given your description of yourself. Just a possibility, that's all.

 

Here's my concern for you: Right now, you have things seemingly well under control. But, they're not likely to stay that way. Eventually, you may find your emotions for this man growing and becoming a problem for you. You could end up having all kinds of pain from this relationship. My friend, you have no idea what you may be in for! I'd advise you to get out of the A while you can! I doubt you'll choose to do that, though.

[Calcmag]

I hit post too soon. Also wanted to say, I think your thread title is a bit misleading. I dont think you're a sex addict, I think you're addicted to the thrill of affair sex. Yea, I was too

[KathyM]

That's exactly what it is. Searching for a thrill. But I'm focused on my family, they are the priority but I feel like I'm better at that with the thrill to look forward too! .. I was down a lot before this.. I have always been very high functioning and feel like I have that back now. My husband would claim our relationship has improved in the last year and so would his wife's.

 

Again I'm not saying that makes this ok.. I get why it's morally wrong. I figure that would be discussed but I understand that already..

 

Right now I'm curious how long I can make the rush and the thrill last.. as wrong as that may be.

When you are obsessed and addicted to the thrill, your family and your marriage will take a back seat. Just like an alcoholic who is addicted to alcohol. His family and marriage takes the back seat, and his priority becomes his drinking. Don't kid yourself. Your relationship with your husband is a fake. You are cheating him out of an authentic, honest, real, loving relationship because you are cheating on him. But I guess thrill seeking is more important to you than your husband or family. Unfortunate.

[AutumnMoon]

I hit post too soon. Also wanted to say, I think your thread title is a bit misleading. I dont think you're a sex addict, I think you're addicted to the thrill of affair sex. Yea, I was too

 

I made another thread better explaining the thrill side as I see it.. I guess I'm curious about the sex addiction side because it's a brought up so much when discussing people who cheat or have affairs..

 

When I say I am a sex addict. I need sex at least once a day, to a few times a day or I am noticeably frustrated and stressed, sometimes to the point of panic attacks. This is on top self pleasure. And it's not just the amount of sex.. Obviously because I have a sex life with my husband. I need variety and risky situations and sometimes a little craziness to get what I want.. I think about sex in the most mundane of situations it's almost always on the back of my mind, I suppress it pretty well, especially since the affair started. This has all been discussed with my doctor, it's nothing new.. Although that affair has not been mentioned.

 

He has described dealing with similar feelings.

Edited September 2, 2013 by AutumnMoon

[AutumnMoon]

When you are obsessed and addicted to the thrill, your family and your marriage will take a back seat. Just like an alcoholic who is addicted to alcohol. His family and marriage takes the back seat, and his priority becomes his drinking. Don't kid yourself. Your relationship with your husband is a fake. You are cheating him out of an authentic, honest, real, loving relationship because you are cheating on him. But I guess thrill seeking is more important to you than your husband or family. Unfortunate.

 

I get what you are saying and have thought about it a lot! We try our best to not take time to think about this a lot.. We get together on average once or twice a month and have given up texting in between .. Which seems silly I'm sure .. But that in itself took a lot of time and attention away from our kids and spouses.

 

I do think about it though. It's as if having this to focus energy on has made me better balanced at home.. In my other life.. I do feel I have two.. But her second takes about about 24 hours a month.

[Calcmag]

I made another thread better explaining the thrill side as I see it.. I guess I'm curious about the sex addiction side because it's a brought up so much when discussing people who cheat or have affairs..

 

When I say I am a sex addict. I need sex at least once a day, to a few times a day or I am noticeably frustrated and stressed, sometimes to the point of panic attacks. This is on top self pleasure. And it's not just the amount of sex.. Obviously because I have a sex life with my husband. I need variety and risky situations and sometimes a little craziness to get what I want.. I think about sex in the most mundane of situations it's almost always on the back of my mind, I suppress it pretty well, especially since the affair started. This has all been discussed with my doctor, it's nothing new.. Although that affair has not been mentioned.

 

He has described dealing with similar feelings.

 

If he's similar, you two are probably a very good match. However you both need to be aware of the possibility that one or other of you may cheat within the affair. My exMOM was similar to what you describe, not just needing variety but risk taking too. He continued to have other partners during our affair, and also after he eventually divorced. I never expected monogamy with him. Perhaps that's another reason the thrill was still there after approximately 10 years together.

[AutumnMoon]

I get what you are saying and have thought about it a lot! We try our best to not take time to think about this a lot.. We get together on average once or twice a month and have given up texting in between .. Which seems silly I'm sure .. But that in itself took a lot of time and attention away from our kids and spouses.

 

I do think about it though. It's as if having this to focus energy on has made me better balanced at home.. In my other life.. I do feel I have two.. But her second takes about about 24 hours a month.

 

At least that's the plan.. The push pull game he's been doing though has me thinking about him too much and I'm trying to learn to navigate that..

[AutumnMoon]

If he's similar, you two are probably a very good match. However you both need to be aware of the possibility that one or other of you may cheat within the affair. My exMOM was similar to what you describe, not just needing variety but risk taking too. He continued to have other partners during our affair, and also after he eventually divorced. I never expected monogamy with him. Perhaps that's another reason the thrill was still there after approximately 10 years together.

 

He's much more likely to find another person on the side than me although we've both discussed it and I tried it once.. To see if it was the same kind of thrill as with him.. It's not at all. He says he feels the same. But I don't expect monogamy from him and neither does he from me and I think that's why we don't feel the need for other people right now? I know he's texted other girls because he's told me. If I felt I had to lie to him I would not be into this anymore at all..

[AutumnMoon]

Is there a possibility you could be a little bit bipolar? I'm not suggesting that you are but it might be something to check into given your description of yourself. Just a possibility, that's all.

 

Here's my concern for you: Right now, you have things seemingly well under control. But, they're not likely to stay that way. Eventually, you may find your emotions for this man growing and becoming a problem for you. You could end up having all kinds of pain from this relationship. My friend, you have no idea what you may be in for! I'd advise you to get out of the A while you can! I doubt you'll choose to do that, though.

 

Bi polar has been brought up a lot in my life, I've never been diognosed but I have told my doctor of my concerns.. It's obviously mild if I am because it's me who thinks I might be not my family or my doctor.

[road]

The sex with your BH will never be as good as with your OM.

 

And it has nothing to do with the thrill you get from cheating.

 

The sex will be sex rate for your BH because you will never bring to your marriage bed what you bring to your affair bed.

 

The sex can never be as good because you double cheat on your BH. Cheating by having an affair. Then cheating by holding back what you do. Only giving it to your OM.

 

The only way you can make your affair worse is if the OM was your BH's brother.

 

Tell your BH and set him free. BH deserves a woman that will give him all in and out of the bedroom. You are not a sex addict.

 

Feelings for your BH can never recover as long as you have continued contact with the OM. So again set your BH free. Confess and move out.

[AutumnMoon]

The sex with your BH will never be as good as with your OM.

 

And it has nothing to do with the thrill you get from cheating.

 

The sex will be sex rate for your BH because you will never bring to your marriage bed what you bring to your affair bed.

 

The sex can never be as good because you double cheat on your BH. Cheating by having an affair. Then cheating by holding back what you do. Only giving it to your OM.

 

The only way you can make your affair worse is if the OM was your BH's brother.

 

Tell your BH and set him free. BH deserves a woman that will give him all in and out of the bedroom. You are not a sex addict.

 

Feelings for your BH can never recover as long as you have continued contact with the OM. So again set your BH free. Confess and move out.

 

I'm not using the sex addiction as the reason for the affair. It just is my reality.. The affair was gradual, it didnt 'just happen' ...I've been aware of the sex addiction for years. Actually the affair has seemed to medicate and soothe the addiction to can function better in other situations.

 

I've considered the moral side, I sound heartless I'm sure but it would be impossible to explain everything that's going on. Again not that those are excuses I'm not trying excuse the behaviour away just better understand it.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm sure Im opening myself up to a lot of criticism even mentioning how easily I am betraying my husband, but I would like to know how common sex addiction is in affairs..

My affair partner and I are both married and intend to stay that way. We both have sex with our spouses (him a lot less than me) but we want more and crazier situations than either of them provide.. It's not even that my husband is unable to.. He probably would if I was more vocal about it but I feel like I do not want him to see me that way as well as the fact my attraction to him is not even close what it is to the other guy.

 

I do my best to keep him happy though I really do at least when he's around! He's often not. My husband I'm talking about.

 

The other guy... We have crazy rough intense sex that is seriously addictive and I can't seem to get enough, I do care a lot about him too.. We connect great emotionally and are great friends.. But I am abosolutly in total lust with him. I don't want it to fade or go away. How do I keep the sexual tension and lust alive and still keep balance.. We both intend to stay in our marriages.. Yes we are safe and tested and there is no pregnancy or std risk.. The only risk is absolute devastation to our families if we are caught... But can we keep this even a little more about the awesome rush of endorphins?? I wanna know how much you love that, and how to make it last...

 

As for sex addiction .. I'd say both me and my OMM are the same sex drive wise and our fantasies are almost parallel .. Our spouses not so much .. His wife has a very low sex drive and only interested in basic love making.. My husband has a high sex drive but not comparable to mine.

 

I don't know how specific I need to get but until I was in this affair I was tense and frustrated a lot and so was OMM.. We both feel a lot more content and balanced and happy now..

 

I'm nervous it won't last. It's been about a year now.

 

I do feel I'm using him for the rush I get.. And him the same.. We get off on everything about this.. As terrible as that sounds, the secret .. Everything.. And it's almost like we use each other to keep our desires and urges from affecting our daily lives.. Our one hour escapes are almost like medication.

 

What do you think about it?

 

I want to be clear.. Not trying to use sexual addiction as an excuse. I'm a big girl I make my own decisions and this affair was a choice.. It happened very gradually.. I had time to stop it and did not. It's not an excuse but I do think its a huge reason I made the decision as well as why I continue.

 

I do know his wife. He does know my husband. We have compartmentalized the affair better than you could probably imagine..

 

 

 

I don't think you've cited any data which would suggest this is "sex addiction" at all. So far it hasn't created any consequences for the rest of your life, etc.

 

 

The following line:

 

"He probably would if I was more vocal about it but I feel like I do not want him to see me that way"

 

reminds me of a woman I know who would tell me things that she wouldn't tell her therapist for reasons of not wanting to adversely impact her therapist's image OF her.

 

 

You and your husband proooooooooooobably have everything you would need to be contend with him and only him... but you are not willing enough to make yourself vulnerable in front of your husband... so you give it all to the other guy instead, and then wonder why you are so drawn to the other guy.

[AutumnMoon]

I don't think you've cited any data which would suggest this is "sex addiction" at all. So far it hasn't created any consequences for the rest of your life, etc.

 

 

The following line:

 

"He probably would if I was more vocal about it but I feel like I do not want him to see me that way"

 

reminds me of a woman I know who would tell me things that she wouldn't tell her therapist for reasons of not wanting to adversely impact her therapist's image OF her.

 

 

You and your husband proooooooooooobably have everything you would need to be contend with him and only him... but you are not willing enough to make yourself vulnerable in front of your husband... so you give it all to the other guy instead, and then wonder why you are so drawn to the other guy.

 

Being told I'm a sex addict comes from two counsellors and my doctor. It's not an excuse for the affair, I'm not trying to use it as one.

 

I've mentioned the panic attacks and stress caused by it but not in the original post, sorry for the confusion.

I have not described all the ways it has affected my life and I don't intend to here.. But the affair seems to be self medication.. I was just wondering if other people have been in similar situations.

 

As for not sharing everything with my husband.. It's a crappy situation and I do wish it was different and am hoping one day it will be but again without getting too specific my husband has been very judgmental in the last about people who like the very things I like.. So yes.. I have chosen to not share certain things about myself with him.

[AutumnMoon]

You and your husband proooooooooooobably have everything you would need to be contend with him and only him... but you are not willing enough to make yourself vulnerable in front of your husband... so you give it all to the other guy instead, and then wonder why you are so drawn to the other guy.

 

You are very right though about not wanting to be vulnerable in front of my husband like I have been with this other guy.. It a very different relationship.

[Speakingofwhich]

Do you think it's possible that there is/was (now and before the A) unresolved anger between you and your H?

 

Do you feel H controls you or your life situation?

 

Do you feel H is a controlling person in general?

 

Are you open to posting more about your R with H?

 

You may be a sex addict, but the information you've provided here doesn't seem to indicate that. However, since you've been diagnosed as such by three different professionals it seems it may be possible that the info you haven't shared with us here is such that they used it to make their diagnosis.

 

You mentioned you've had some mood disorders and anxiety can certainly cause a person to be hyper sexual.

[AutumnMoon]

Do you think it's possible that there is/was (now and before the A) unresolved anger between you and your H?

 

Do you feel H controls you or your life situation?

 

Do you feel H is a controlling person in general?

 

Are you open to posting more about your R with H?

 

You may be a sex addict, but the information you've provided here doesn't seem to indicate that. However, since you've been diagnosed as such by three different professionals it seems it may be possible that the info you haven't shared with us here is such that they used it to make their diagnosis.

 

You mentioned you've had some mood disorders and anxiety can certainly cause a person to be hyper sexual.

 

Yes sure.. Lots of unresolved anger.

I've definitely suppressed a lot of things in our relationship.

 

I have no intention to get too deep into the sex addiction or feel the need to 'prove' it.. I do get a lot more than sex from the affair.. Friendship and connection and someone that pays me attention and appreciates me.. I get more out of it than sex.

 

I feel though that the sex and rush I get from the affair has helped me tremendously with the constant sexual thoughts and risks I probably would have taken otherwise. I wondered if other people had experienced that.

 

A sex addict doesn't have to have a bunch of different partners.. I feel like I'm self medicating my issues.. I don't know how long it will last though, it's been a year.

 

I am not saying I'm out of control. I feel very much in control and have thought about each step before it happened. And I feel in control of my emotions better than I ever have.

Edited September 3, 2013 by AutumnMoon

[AutumnMoon]

You need to resent your H to have an affair. That is pretty standard.

 

 

 

 

You get a tremendous amount of external validation, appreciation, admiration, etc from the affair. This is your drug and you are great in the sac because this greatness provides you with more admiration and acceptance.

 

OTOH, your H does not appreciate you as much as OM. Your H may be a better lover with a larger penis, but he does not give you the admiration you deserve.

 

 

 

 

The drama is off the charts. Furthermore, the hurdles fuels the passion. Affair sex is always better because in the end SEX is between your ears.

 

 

 

 

Exactly!

 

 

 

Is your H having an affair too?

 

 

It's unlikely he's having an affair, but he would be 100 percent certain that I'm not so.. Anything is possible. He works away most of the week.

[KathyM]

You should tell your husband that you have this "addiction." He has a right to know what the situation is so he can decide if he wants to open the relationship or find someone who shares his same values for the marriage.

[Betterthanthis13]

I'm pretty familiar with all the "sex addiction" ideas. I've done extensive reading on Patrick Carnes, Barbara Steffens and the like. Been to COSA meetings, and SAA meetings with my ex boyfriend.

 

You should not be thinking abot sex addiction in my opinion. You have a problem with intimacy, and vulnerability, and self esteem. Another poster who mentioned vulnerability in bold nailed it. I'm sorry I'm being short and succinct, its just kind of late. I will try not to be so cranky tomorrow and come back to this thread and explain what i mean better and with a nicer disposition.

[twosadthings]

There is no DSM for sex addiction and if there was your manifestions wouldn't apply. The common definition of a sex addict is one who trades sex for the feeling of love or self-esteem outside of a "normal" relationship. What you are is a gambler looking for a high or thrill. A gambler and not a good one at that.

 

A good gambler knows that his risk should be much less than his return. You on the other hand are risking 100% of your marriage and 50% of your children's lives for what? Maybe a 10 or 20% increase in the satisfaction with your life. An increase that you acknowledge could be provided by your husband.

 

Your real thrill then comes from the deceiving of your husband each day the other 28 days a month when you embrace him and tell him of your love and as you say he is clueless.

 

When it comes crashing down you'll be posting a new thread singing a new tune, "The thrill is gone" comes to mind.

 

Twosadthings

[Speakingofwhich]

I am not saying I'm out of control. I feel very much in control and have thought about each step before it happened. And I feel in control of my emotions better than I ever have.

 

It seems to me that you are posting on this forum so that you can find out if anyone else has experienced what you are experiencing.

 

Is that correct?

 

If so, I can assure you that lots and lots of people have been/and currently are right where you are. Women and men, both.

 

Your issues are not with sex, your H or OMM. They are with yourself. Of course, that creates dysfunction with others, i.e. H and OMM both of whom you have dysfunctional relationships with.

 

It is only a matter of time until your relationships with both H and OMM are no longer under your control and you enter a zone of desperation.

 

Until then, you are probably beyond help, sadly.