I'm a female sex addict

[AutumnMoon]

There is no DSM for sex addiction and if there was your manifestions wouldn't apply. The common definition of a sex addict is one who trades sex for the feeling of love or self-esteem outside of a "normal" relationship. What you are is a gambler looking for a high or thrill. A gambler and not a good one at that.

 

A good gambler knows that his risk should be much less than his return. You on the other hand are risking 100% of your marriage and 50% of your children's lives for what? Maybe a 10 or 20% increase in the satisfaction with your life. An increase that you acknowledge could be provided by your husband.

 

Your real thrill then comes from the deceiving of your husband each day the other 28 days a month when you embrace him and tell him of your love and as you say he is clueless.

 

When it comes crashing down you'll be posting a new thread singing a new tune, "The thrill is gone" comes to mind.

 

Twosadthings

 

I never should have named this thread what I did, I can see its confused people.

 

I don't need to get into my past enough to try and "prove" sex addiction .. I feel if I was to lay it out it would be painfully obvious who I was to anyone that knows me.. And yes my husband is aware of 90 percent of the past.

 

I'm not saying the sex addiction is the reason for this current situation I'm in. I think the situation I am in has helped 'Medicate' the addiction in a sense.

[AutumnMoon]

It seems to me that you are posting on this forum so that you can find out if anyone else has experienced what you are experiencing.

 

Is that correct?

 

If so, I can assure you that lots and lots of people have been/and currently are right where you are. Women and men, both.

 

Your issues are not with sex, your H or OMM. They are with yourself. Of course, that creates dysfunction with others, i.e. H and OMM both of whom you have dysfunctional relationships with.

 

It is only a matter of time until your relationships with both H and OMM are no longer under your control and you enter a zone of desperation.

 

Until then, you are probably beyond help, sadly.

 

Yes and just for human discussion on the situation because I have no one in real life who really would understand.

[AutumnMoon]

I'm pretty familiar with all the "sex addiction" ideas. I've done extensive reading on Patrick Carnes, Barbara Steffens and the like. Been to COSA meetings, and SAA meetings with my ex boyfriend.

 

You should not be thinking abot sex addiction in my opinion. You have a problem with intimacy, and vulnerability, and self esteem. Another poster who mentioned vulnerability in bold nailed it. I'm sorry I'm being short and succinct, its just kind of late. I will try not to be so cranky tomorrow and come back to this thread and explain what i mean better and with a nicer disposition.

 

I have major issues with self esteem and vulnerability. I won't claim otherwise. I would love your input. I don't think the sex addiction is WHY I started an affair I only brought it up because I feel like the affair has balanced a lot of those feelings and I was curious about other people's thoughts.

[AutumnMoon]

By your posts it is clear OM is very important to you. And you spend a lot of time with OM and have amazing sex. That is standard in many affairs.

 

But, your H is away a lot. How can you be certain he does not have an OW. This may very well be the reason you have the freedom to spend so much time with your lover. At this time the mind of your H is elsewhere and he cannot detect all the massive signs of your affair.

 

BTW, always use a condom with your lover, please be safe.

 

And never have sex with your H if you were with your OM early in the day. Just keep all compartments separated.

 

I wish you luck. I understand the admiration and support you get from OM is important to you, but at some point it may not be enough to keep you happy.

 

I would never say I'm certain he's not. I don't trust anyone. Anyone could be cheating. I believe that. I don't think he is though.

[stillafool]

I'm curious if you work or are you a stay at home mom? I'm thinking like Pierre that your husband more than likely is having an affair or his own since he is away most of the week. It's hard to see that when you yourself are caught up in an affair.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

You are very right though about not wanting to be vulnerable in front of my husband like I have been with this other guy.. It a very different relationship.

 

 

Yes, and that's the thing... the only commonality between the two is you!

 

And it has been no more than a function of your own conscious choices (with no "addiction" involved here) to apply yourself to the other guy while at the same time disengaging yourself from your marriage.

 

 

Were you in fact applying yourself completely and appropriately to the marriage into which you entered, you could and would know the same degree of intensity there at home.

 

It is precisely because you won't make yourself vulnerable at home, that you know only limited if any rewards there at all.

[harrybrown]

Why don't you do the things you do with the OM with your husband? Try doing these things with your husband. The OM is not a man and he is not future material. He will cheat on you now and in the future. If you can not go NC with the OM, at least tell your husband about your A. Let him feel the knife you are stabbing him with and twist it several times. Let your husband be free to find someone that will not give him STDs. When you have your A, do you ever think about your husband and the pain he will have when he finds out about your A? You will turn your life upside down for some cheap thrills and you could get this from your husband, but you are too selfish.

 

At least tell your husband about the A and see if he wants a divorce or an open marriage. You do not love your husband or you would not do this to him. Tell him and set him free. Then you can have your AP and not live in the fantasy land.

[KathyM]

I never should have named this thread what I did, I can see its confused people.

 

I don't need to get into my past enough to try and "prove" sex addiction .. I feel if I was to lay it out it would be painfully obvious who I was to anyone that knows me.. And yes my husband is aware of 90 percent of the past.

 

I'm not saying the sex addiction is the reason for this current situation I'm in. I think the situation I am in has helped 'Medicate' the addiction in a sense.

Medicate the addiction? No. Any more than alcohol would medicate an alcoholic. It will only give him a quick fix to feed his addiction while his life is spiraling downward. That is the situation you are in, you just don't realize it. You are feeding the addiction at the expense of your husband and family, as well as yourself.

[Speakingofwhich]

Yes and just for human discussion on the situation because I have no one in real life who really would understand.

 

You're saying that you posted about the issue for the purpose of discussing it with other humans. Why are you wanting to discuss it? Do you want to accomplish something or is it part of the addiction; as in have sex with OMM and then talk about it? Not being harsh, just trying to help you process.

[AutumnMoon]

Most women with low self esteem are horny as hell.:love:

 

 

Been horny and good in bed brings HUGE validation and temporary elevation of the self esteem.

 

Many men know women with low self esteem can be great in the sac and most love sex. However, the men that get married to these women are doomed to be cuckolded. No man can provide validation to a woman 24/7. At some point even the best guy in the planet will fail to keep his wife happy. At that points she seeks happiness elsewhere. So you are normal!

 

 

Your H seems like a great guy that gives you plenty of sex, but this no longer elevates your self esteem----------therefore you needed someone else to obtain validation and affirmation. And when you have sex with OM you put in 110% effort.

 

 

And as you said, this is not about the sex. However, sex is a great tool to obtain validation.

 

I wouldn't say anyone in my life would peg me as self conscious. I'm a busy woman and I am in shape .. I take care of myself, my kids are happy and healthy, I'm successful at home and in my career.. My self esteem issues are largely in my own head and I'm aware of it and its never been something other people have even noticed. This guy did maybe. I do care a lot about what people think. Way to much. I do look for validation, wherever I can get it.

 

I'm not going to get into a character bashing session about my husband.. Don't feel the need too but his priority has always been his career not me or our children, we are ok together and it works, our kids are happy and he's away the majority of the time, if not work, hunting, fishing ect.

 

I'm home. I work full time and raise 4 kids. The affair takes up thoughts In my head for sure so time there.. But otherwise it's only once it twice a month we actually meet. We see each other a lot though but not in 'affair mode' if that makes any sense.

[AutumnMoon]

Do you know why you do not trust anyone?

 

 

Not been able to trust in a relationship is not natural and a cause of stress.

 

 

What would you do if your husband has an OW?

 

I don't trust anyone because I can lie like nobody's business.. With not a glint of it on my face or smile.

I do feel guilty about it. But I can still do it really well and have always been able too so I've never learned to trust people, I always assume they could be just as easily lying.

[AutumnMoon]

You're saying that you posted about the issue for the purpose of discussing it with other humans. Why are you wanting to discuss it? Do you want to accomplish something or is it part of the addiction; as in have sex with OMM and then talk about it? Not being harsh, just trying to help you process.

 

What do I want to accomplish? Talking about things is extremely therapeutic .. Not sure what other reason I need. I do have conflicted emotions about it and know its unlikely to go perfectly smooth from here on out.. I do welcome input, I'm just curious I guess what other people think.

[AutumnMoon]

Medicate the addiction? No. Any more than alcohol would medicate an alcoholic. It will only give him a quick fix to feed his addiction while his life is spiraling downward. That is the situation you are in, you just don't realize it. You are feeding the addiction at the expense of your husband and family, as well as yourself.

 

I understand that, I realize it sounds insane.

[Betterthanthis13]

I have major issues with self esteem and vulnerability. I won't claim otherwise. I would love your input. I don't think the sex addiction is WHY I started an affair I only brought it up because I feel like the affair has balanced a lot of those feelings and I was curious about other people's thoughts.

 

What do you mean by balanced those feelings?

[AutumnMoon]

What do you mean by balanced those feelings?

 

After talking or being with him my emotions feel balanced, I'm not having sexual thoughts interrupt my every day tasks and I feel confident and so much better able to deal with anything that comes up..

[fanine]

I'm just interested to know really is it worth the risk continuing this, looking at what you could lose if this all came out?

[AutumnMoon]

OK, you have plenty of company. I believe most men and women in affairs are often looking for external validation. Many forum members think I am crazy for bringing this up, but it is extremely common. The good news is that you know about it. Most folks have no clue they are seeking external validation.

 

All of us love some validation, but some folks simply need it way too much. Interestingly, a Harvard lawyer may have low self esteem whereas the maid that cleans houses for a living may have excellent self esteem.-------that is life.

 

Your OM somehow knew you needed validation and he is very good at making you feel wanted and desired.

 

 

 

Exactly, the poor guy does not realize you are the type of woman that needs attention. Most women like men that pay attention. He may be a good guy but he is one of those persons that is happy on his own, so he is out and about doing his own thing. Because he is happy on his own he cannot imagine there are people that need attention and validation to feel happy.

 

I do need a lot if external validation I've always known that, wouldn't deny it. I get it by being successful and high profile in my field.. I take good care of myself, I attract men when I enter a room but don't go after them.. This guy was different.. We connected differently.. He's just like me!

 

My husband, is well aware of 98 percent of my wants and needs the only things he is unaware of is some sexual desires I have and I've not told him of those because he's been very very open in her past of his judgment of them,

 

My husband made a choice a long time ago that I'm the mother and he's the man. He lives his life me and the kids live ours. He's not a bad guy but he doesn't care to notice my loneliness even when I wave it in his face.

[KathyM]

After talking or being with him my emotions feel balanced, I'm not having sexual thoughts interrupt my every day tasks and I feel confident and so much better able to deal with anything that comes up..

t

On the contrary, the longer you keep him in your life, the more you will obsess about him, and the more he will be on your mind and distract you from your marriage and family. You don't seem to see this "relationship" as destructive, but it is very much destructive to not only your marriage and your feelings for your husband, but also destructive to you since you are investing the emotions into this man instead of to your husband and family. You are basically cheating your husband out of the passion and love that should be directed to him, you are jeopardizing your children's home, stability and family, and you are bringing yourself down, because you are depriving yourself of a loving and fulfilling marriage by investing your emotions into a man who is a dead end and who will cause the demise of your family. You don't seem to see the destructiveness of this EMR to your husband, your marriage, your family, or yourself, unfortunately.

[AutumnMoon]

t

On the contrary, the longer you keep him in your life, the more you will obsess about him, and the more he will be on your mind and distract you from your marriage and family. You don't seem to see this "relationship" as destructive, but it is very much destructive to not only your marriage and your feelings for your husband, but also destructive to you since you are investing the emotions into this man instead of to your husband and family. You are basically cheating your husband out of the passion and love that should be directed to him, you are jeopardizing your children's home, stability and family, and you are bringing yourself down, because you are depriving yourself of a loving and fulfilling marriage by investing your emotions into a man who is a dead end and who will cause the demise of your family. You don't seem to see the destructiveness of this EMR to your husband, your marriage, your family, or yourself, unfortunately.

 

I think I do. I'm in denial about it maybe but I've definitely thought about all of it. A lot.

[fanine]

I do need a lot if external validation I've always known that, wouldn't deny it. I get it by being successful and high profile in my field.. I take good care of myself, I attract men when I enter a room but don't go after them.. This guy was different.. We connected differently.. He's just like me!

 

My husband, is well aware of 98 percent of my wants and needs the only things he is unaware of is some sexual desires I have and I've not told him of those because he's been very very open in her past of his judgment of them,

 

My husband made a choice a long time ago that I'm the mother and he's the man. He lives his life me and the kids live ours. He's not a bad guy but he doesn't care to notice my loneliness even when I wave it in his face.

 

You say your husband doesn't care to notice your loneliness. Have you really sat down properly with him and made him fully aware of this. Rather than just hinting on it. Surely it would be better to emotionally invest in your husband rather than another man? Would you rather have a complete relationship with him rather than having two men in your life?

 

What is his problem with some of your sexual desires? Does he not approve?

[Betterthanthis13]

After talking or being with him my emotions feel balanced, I'm not having sexual thoughts interrupt my every day tasks and I feel confident and so much better able to deal with anything that comes up..

 

So basically your H meets some of your needs but not all of them. MM fills in the gaps by meeting the needs that your H isn't, so after seeing MM you feel balanced- is that a good summary?

[stillafool]

He's not a bad guy but he doesn't care to notice my loneliness even when I wave it in his face.

 

Have you considered that your H may be involved with another woman and this is why he lets you lead your life and he lives his. If you've been obvious that you are lonely and he doesn't respond, something is off. Most men/husbands want their wives happy because otherwise it will affect their sex life. He may not be as innocent as you think.

[AutumnMoon]

You say your husband doesn't care to notice your loneliness. Have you really sat down properly with him and made him fully aware of this. Rather than just hinting on it. Surely it would be better to emotionally invest in your husband rather than another man? Would you rather have a complete relationship with him rather than having two men in your life?

 

What is his problem with some of your sexual desires? Does he not approve?

 

Of course I would rather that. I've been with my husband for about 10 years. Yes I've made my feelings aware to him but not all my sexual feelings. For one he is extremely judgmental about women liking sex at all! He likes it because he benefits from it but says horrible things to me after.

And he's extremely homophobic... he likes sex for his pleasure and does care at the time that I feel pleasure too and I do.. But the way he makes me feel after makes me almost want to avoid sex with him altogether but I don't do that. I don't turn him down, if he's home and wants it I provide and with full effort.. I love him for a lot of reasons but its a huge issue I've learned to live with.

[AutumnMoon]

So basically your H meets some of your needs but not all of them. MM fills in the gaps by meeting the needs that your H isn't, so after seeing MM you feel balanced- is that a good summary?

 

Yes, very accurate.

[Calcmag]

Of course I would rather that. I've been with my husband for about 10 years. Yes I've made my feelings aware to him but not all my sexual feelings. For one he is extremely judgmental about women liking sex at all! He likes it because he benefits from it but says horrible things to me after.

And he's extremely homophobic... he likes sex for his pleasure and does care at the time that I feel pleasure too and I do.. But the way he makes me feel after makes me almost want to avoid sex with him altogether but I don't do that. I don't turn him down, if he's home and wants it I provide and with full effort.. I love him for a lot of reasons but its a huge issue I've learned to live with.

 

What does him being homophobic have to do with how he has sex with you? I'm confused about that.

And I do hear you on this. My exH thought I was a raging pervert because as a young bride I shyly suggested that we introduce a silk scarf as a blindfold one time. His reaction left me screwed up for several years afterwards.