I'm a female sex addict

[AutumnMoon]

As I said women that crave validation are awesome in the sex department. Your H is a fool for not giving you the affirmation and attention you want. OM has picked on this and I am certain he is very good at providing you with attention. Most OMs are good at this. Once i realized this simple concept I almost always had EAs with my female coworkers. All I ever did was to pay a bit more attention that the H at home. These men take the wife for granted and if the wife needs external validation this is the kiss of death.

 

But, you must think about the destructive path you are on. I suggest you stop having sex and simply use OM as a close friend to get your validation. If you keep having sex and have a d-day it will be very messy. Most men tolerate an EA, but not a PA. Furthermore, your children would be as devastated as your H.

 

 

You have been warned, please be careful.

 

I think that's very good advice..

[Speakingofwhich]

I don't trust anyone because I can lie like nobody's business.. With not a glint of it on my face or smile.

I do feel guilty about it. But I can still do it really well and have always been able too so I've never learned to trust people, I always assume they could be just as easily lying.

 

Herein (the bolded) lies the crux of all of your problems.

 

When you lie to someone else you first must lie to yourself. You have written in this thread that you are "successful at home." Is that the truth?

 

Do you believe that having sex with a man other than their father is being a successful mother to your children? As long as they don't know about it?

 

You see, Autumn, Truth has a way of exposing itself. It always does. And your children know this about you on some level. Maybe not consciously at this point. But, the truth will out itself. At this point they may only sense you lack integrity.

 

But there will come a time when at least one of them fully realizes what you have done/are doing.

 

You are impacting their lives in a way you don't realize. Because you aren't able to tell yourself the truth. You are teaching your children, by modeling lies, not to be truthful. This will totally mess up their lives.

 

Also, if it's so easy to lie to those you meet face-to-face then why should anyone on this thread believe you wouldn't lie to us?

 

How can we trust that our posts to you are effective if you are able to switch the truth around in this thread easily, as you say you do irl?

 

How can you ever figure out your problems if you can't tell the truth?

 

The first thing you need to go to counseling about and deal with is learning the importance of truth and how to live it.

[JPMC]

I had an affair because I needed validation. I have wasted 6 years of my life living in a fantasy/dream world and no reality. I love my wife, always have. Like you Autumn, I was addicted to the thrill, still am. It's your ego, habit and the release of dopamine. It's stronger than a cocaine rush, and your body craves it.

 

I can honestly say, what you're doing isn't healthy. The sneaking around and thrill weighs on you. Have you noticed the guilt you feel when you go home? You can't look your husband in the eye?

 

Men, unfortunately take things for granted. They are hunters and something seems to happen once the chase is over. We take things for granted. I'm trying my best to be grateful for what I have. I'm trying to forget and move on from my intense affair with my soul mate and best friend/favorite person in the whole wide world. But take a step back from that sentence, it was the validation/massage of the ego.

 

That's not love. Love is a shared life with admiration and respect. Not a rush. It's amazing how we don't tell our partners what we want. We go outside to get it. Why? If you communicate, you might find what you want under your nose.

 

My wife is beautiful, a great wife and mother. A nice, bubbly wonderful person, who is secure. Great in the bedroom, organized, makes a lot of money. Cooks dinner every night, keeps the house clean.

 

My XAP is beautiful, great in the bedroom, smart and funny. But she is emotionally needy, broke and borderline bankrupt from a contentious divorce, disorganized, late for everything, 1000 miles away, completely irrational and no sense of logic. Mother is bi-polar, has two kids of her own. I know in my head that if I threw it all away, I'd regret it in 3 months. Why have I wasted all this time? Because she validates me. When you're in an affair, your ap and you think you're the greatest things ever. It's just not true. It's emotion.

 

I have found over the last 2 weeks, that I'm determined to get over this. I've asked her to leave me be with the cyber stalking and at night, have reflected on what a great day I had. Be grateful for what you have.

[AutumnMoon]

What does him being homophobic have to do with how he has sex with you? I'm confused about that.

And I do hear you on this. My exH thought I was a raging pervert because as a young bride I shyly suggested that we introduce a silk scarf as a blindfold one time. His reaction left me screwed up for several years afterwards.

 

Because I like women and men? And because I like the kinds of sex he considers for gay men ha ha no other way to put it.

And ya, I'm called a four letter word the begins with S in a mocking way just for suggesting things I want to do.. He'll even try them sometimes but mock me mercilessly afterwards to the point I've stopped suggesting. He doesn't do this in a dramatic abusive way.. To make that clear.not a reason to divorce your children's father.

[Calcmag]

Because I like women and men? And because I like the kinds of sex he considers for gay men ha ha no other way to put it.

And ya, I'm called a four letter word the begins with S in a mocking way just for suggesting things I want to do.. He'll even try them sometimes but mock me mercilessly afterwards to the point one stopped suggesting. He doesn't do this in a dramatic abusive way.. To make that clear.

 

I'd missed that you're bisexual, sorry. Yes makes complete sense now.

I was the same four letter word too.

Do you really have to stay married to him? you two are horribly incompatible sexually from what you're saying.

[Betterthanthis13]

Yes, very accurate.

 

So forget for a minute if infidelity is right or wrong, or what will happen to both your families if Dday happens. Take all those issues and put them aside for a moment and think only about yourself.

 

Do you feel confident that you deserve to have all of your needs met? Has anyone ever told you that it's perfectly normal and good to want to get all your needs met?

[AutumnMoon]

Herein (the bolded) lies the crux of all of your problems.

 

When you lie to someone else you first must lie to yourself. You have written in this thread that you are "successful at home." Is that the truth?

 

Do you believe that having sex with a man other than their father is being a successful mother to your children? As long as they don't know about it?

 

You see, Autumn, Truth has a way of exposing itself. It always does. And your children know this about you on some level. Maybe not consciously at this point. But, the truth will out itself. At this point they may only sense you lack integrity.

 

But there will come a time when at least one of them fully realizes what you have done/are doing.

 

You are impacting their lives in a way you don't realize. Because you aren't able to tell yourself the truth. You are teaching your children, by modeling lies, not to be truthful. This will totally mess up their lives.

 

Also, if it's so easy to lie to those you meet face-to-face then why should anyone on this thread believe you wouldn't lie to us?

 

How can we trust that our posts to you are effective if you are able to switch the truth around in this thread easily, as you say you do irl?

 

How can you ever figure out your problems if you can't tell the truth?

 

The first thing you need to go to counseling about and deal with is learning the importance of truth and how to live it.

 

I was specifically referring to how others see me. We were talking about my self esteem and that other people might pick up on it.. To outsiders.. I'm very successful at home. My kids are happy healthy and we are all active in the community.

 

If you've noticed I haven't talked about my kids much here. Hurting them is what makes me feel so guilty about everything. It's where the pain comes in. It's not unthought about at all. I know in the long run especially if we are found out ill be devastating them. The last year though has been full of happiness for them.. They would say I've been the best mom I've been in years.. It's sad I guess to other people to hear that but it's the truth. I asked how long these feelings could last.. I know they won't forever.

[AutumnMoon]

I'd missed that you're bisexual, sorry. Yes makes complete sense now.

I was the same four letter word too.

Do you really have to stay married to him? you two are horribly incompatible sexually from what you're saying.

 

Don't be sorry, I don't think I mentioned it.

 

We have what most would describe as a great sex life as sad as that is. Would it make sense to end our whole family dynamic where they are all happy just because of how I feel sexually or for my own emotional needs.. If I was depressed or non functioning I guess maybe.. But Im not.. So I feel that it would be so selfish.

 

And yes. I get the irony.. The affair is selfish I know but I feel like its helping them at least right now.

Edited September 4, 2013 by AutumnMoon

[fanine]

I'd missed that you're bisexual, sorry. Yes makes complete sense now.

I was the same four letter word too.

Do you really have to stay married to him? you two are horribly incompatible sexually from what you're saying.

 

Also was this an issue when you first met? If so, did you ever think it would lead to problems down the road?

[AutumnMoon]

So forget for a minute if infidelity is right or wrong, or what will happen to both your families if Dday happens. Take all those issues and put them aside for a moment and think only about yourself.

 

Do you feel confident that you deserve to have all of your needs met? Has anyone ever told you that it's perfectly normal and good to want to get all your needs met?

 

I guess I deserved that before I had four kids with the same man. It's perfectly normal for me to WANT my needs met yes I see that, but it's more important that my kids and all of their extended family are happy first in my personal view I guess... Right now both sides get together.. We spend a lot of time for the kids together and I'd be sacrificing a lot of that I know it for a fact just because I know both sides of the family really well.

Edited September 4, 2013 by AutumnMoon
Yes I totally get I'm risking all that with the affair that doesn't need to be stated again, it's clear.

[AutumnMoon]

Also was this an issue when you first met? If so, did you ever think it would lead to problems down the road?

 

It was an issue I guess.. But being the first guy who didnt treat me like an object I latched on to him maybe. I didn't know I was bi sexual and had never had a doctor say I was hyper sexual or had a sex addiction yet because at that point most of my past was carefully hidden.

Back then I was especially terrible at predicting how Id feel emotionally in the future.. I worried only about what was expected of me.. And that was to work, be successful, settle down get married and have kids. So I did.

[AutumnMoon]

OP

 

The problem is that you expect others to make you happy. This usually leads to profound unhappiness.

 

I should be happy with exactly what I have. I fake that I am like nobody's business, but until now I didn't really feel it.

[AutumnMoon]

Annnnnnnnyway, to answer one of the OPs initial questions without getting caught up in the wording of her original post....

 

How can you keep this rush going? There's no singular method or methods that will ensure you can sustain the level of excitement of your affair in the long term, there's really just no way to tell. It sounds like the rush of merely having extramarital sex is not the sole source of the thrill. From what you've (vaguely) described, you are participating in some risky sexual behaviors (I can really only think of a handful of types of "risky" sex that doesn't involve even more additional parties) so I'm assuming you're having what, public sex? Engaging in D/s or similar fetishistic (<--- I honestly can't even believe that's a word:confused:) sex? Threesomes?

 

Well, in truth, it could go either way but even the thrill of that wears off eventually in most cases. There's only so much risky, fun sex you two can have before it becomes routine. What you will likely see happening is one or both of your upping the ante; your trysts might become more lurid, frequent or closer to home, you might begin to engage with other other parties etc. Since you're already doing what "couples" do to spice things up, I imagine you two will push each other to even further extremes. Group sex?

 

I understand that whatever sex you're engaging in is something you don't feel free to share with your husband and that's your business, why you don't try to have the best sex you could have with your husband I have no idea but it's none of my affair. Whatever it is, it seems like you've created some kind of Madonna/whore complex within yourself in which you play the 'good wife' to your husband and the whore for you lover. That's common enough but as I said, one or both of you will in all likelihood get bored. When, however, is anyone's guess.

 

He's already suggested group sex. He does very often. Right now that seems too risky.

[Betterthanthis13]

I guess I deserved that before I had four kids with the same man. It's perfectly normal for me to WANT my needs met yes I see that, but it's more important that my kids and all of their extended family are happy first in my personal view I guess... Right now both sides get together.. We spend a lot of time for the kids together and I'd be sacrificing a lot of that I know it for a fact just because I know both sides of the family really well.

 

 

Right I'm a mom too I get that- kids come first, sometimes we make sacrifices for our kids for the greater good.

 

But you still deserve to have all of your needs met as a human being, as a woman, by the man you married and had all those kids with. Do you think he is capable of meeting all your needs?

 

I get that he has been unwilling to do so, but is he capable?

[thefooloftheyear]

Right I'm a mom too I get that- kids come first, sometimes we make sacrifices for our kids for the greater good.

 

But you still deserve to have all of your needs met as a human being, as a woman, by the man you married and had all those kids with. Do you think he is capable of meeting all your needs?

 

I get that he has been unwilling to do so, but is he capable?

 

Uhmmm....all good relationships are grounded on "give and take"...If everyone just has the attitude, " I want ALL MY needs met", then you might as well forget about being in a relationship, because its very difficult, if not impossible to get ALL your needs met without some compromise..

 

 

Ask anyone in a successful LTR and they will probably list compromise as their number one reason for success..

 

 

If you do get it, great. But the reality is that sometimes you have to give in to something for the greater good..

 

YMMV

 

TFY

[Calcmag]

Don't be sorry, I don't think I mentioned it.

 

We have what most would describe as a great sex life as sad as that is. Would it make sense to end our whole family dynamic where they are all happy just because of how I feel sexually or for my own emotional needs.. If I was depressed or non functioning I guess maybe.. But Im not.. So I feel that it would be so selfish.

 

And yes. I get the irony.. The affair is selfish I know but I feel like its helping them at least right now.

 

I'm completely misunderstanding, I thought you were unhappy with your sex life with your H and it sounded as if you two were very incompatible.

So, since I'm misunderstanding so much and clearly not helping the discussion I'll bow out of it.

Wishing you the best.

[AutumnMoon]

I'm completely misunderstanding, I thought you were unhappy with your sex life with your H and it sounded as if you two were very incompatible.

So, since I'm misunderstanding so much and clearly not helping the discussion I'll bow out of it.

Wishing you the best.

 

Oh.. I'm definitely left wanting a lot more from our sex life. I'm saying if we described it to other people or if he was to say.. Then it's a "good" sex life.

[JPMC]

Because I like women and men? And because I like the kinds of sex he considers for gay men ha ha no other way to put it.

And ya, I'm called a four letter word the begins with S in a mocking way just for suggesting things I want to do.. He'll even try them sometimes but mock me mercilessly afterwards to the point I've stopped suggesting. He doesn't do this in a dramatic abusive way.. To make that clear.not a reason to divorce your children's father.

 

I don't get this. If you're bisexual, what does it have to do with sex gay men have? Is your AP providing you with fulfilling this fantasy? What is it?

 

That was one of the things that my ex AP would do for me that my wife would never do. Alternative practices. Just the two of us mind you.

[JPMC]

Annnnnnnnyway, to answer one of the OPs initial questions without getting caught up in the wording of her original post....

 

How can you keep this rush going? There's no singular method or methods that will ensure you can sustain the level of excitement of your affair in the long term, there's really just no way to tell. It sounds like the rush of merely having extramarital sex is not the sole source of the thrill. From what you've (vaguely) described, you are participating in some risky sexual behaviors (I can really only think of a handful of types of "risky" sex that doesn't involve even more additional parties) so I'm assuming you're having what, public sex? Engaging in D/s or similar fetishistic (<--- I honestly can't even believe that's a word:confused:) sex? Threesomes?

 

Well, in truth, it could go either way but even the thrill of that wears off eventually in most cases. There's only so much risky, fun sex you two can have before it becomes routine. What you will likely see happening is one or both of your upping the ante; your trysts might become more lurid, frequent or closer to home, you might begin to engage with other other parties etc. Since you're already doing what "couples" do to spice things up, I imagine you two will push each other to even further extremes. Group sex?

 

I understand that whatever sex you're engaging in is something you don't feel free to share with your husband and that's your business, why you don't try to have the best sex you could have with your husband I have no idea but it's none of my affair. Whatever it is, it seems like you've created some kind of Madonna/whore complex within yourself in which you play the 'good wife' to your husband and the whore for you lover. That's common enough but as I said, one or both of you will in all likelihood get bored. When, however, is anyone's guess.

 

 

This is absolutely true. In my affair it went from normal, to a little unorthodox, to bizarre, to the possibility of bringing in another woman. The ante always got upped. And Pierre is right, low self esteemed women are great in bed and I not knowing it on the time preyed on it. I knew I could get anything I wanted with a little coaxing.

 

What was funny when we reunited a couple years later. It was pretty straight up except for one session. No toys or accoutrements

[lionoftheforum]

I love the term "sex addict." It's like a topic straight off of Oprah or Dr. Phil.

 

On top of that the OP is clearly a troll.

[AutumnMoon]

I love the term "sex addict." It's like a topic straight off of Oprah or Dr. Phil.

 

On top of that the OP is clearly a troll.

 

I never should have used the term in the title maybe it never should have been brought up at all except exactly that.. You hear it as an excuse for affairs contestant in the media right now. When the term was first brought up to me about how I was functioning about 8 years ago. Three different people seperately.. Two different counsellors I was talking to within a year of each other and my family doctor.

 

I used like a drug as a mood stabilizer and it was the only way I was able to feel any love it real connection to anyone.. I never followed up on it and am not going to list all the other aspects that led to get discussions about it as an addiction because I don't see the need..

 

I'm not a troll, I've changed nothing yet.. I've left out things that would out me for who I am but that's it.

[lionoftheforum]

I’m in the camp that doesn’t see sex as a hang-up, a personal defect, or something that needs to stay deeply private. I understand not everyone wants to hear about sex lives and that’s fine. Not the point. Sexual repressiveness is harmful, not healthy. Therefore there is no such thing as sex addiction. As a matter of fact all humans want it almost all of the time. Too much evidence to claim otherwise. As long as its not ruining your life, who cares?

[JPMC]

I am not a sex addict. Addicted to the attention, validation, ego massage, escape from ordinary life, raising my self esteem. Absolutely.

 

A lot of people use sex to escape anxiety.

[lionoftheforum]

I am not a sex addict. Addicted to the attention, validation, ego massage, escape from ordinary life, raising my self esteem. Absolutely.

 

A lot of people use sex to escape anxiety.

 

This. What's the probelm?

[Betterthanthis13]

Uhmmm....all good relationships are grounded on "give and take"...If everyone just has the attitude, " I want ALL MY needs met", then you might as well forget about being in a relationship, because its very difficult, if not impossible to get ALL your needs met without some compromise..

 

 

Ask anyone in a successful LTR and they will probably list compromise as their number one reason for success..

 

 

If you do get it, great. But the reality is that sometimes you have to give in to something for the greater good..

 

YMMV

 

TFY

 

Of course you are absolutely right. No one person can meet all of your needs, I wasn't suggesting that. I was asking if she thought he was capable of trying to meet all of them.

Edited September 4, 2013 by Betterthanthis13