I'm a female sex addict

[Lokie]

I'm fairly new to these boards and I find the use of letters for words (affair, other woman, etc.) like talking about genitalia to children. But I digress...

 

I tend to feel that if sex addiction were all about orgasms, then it would be different. But it's usually about sexing it up with someone outside of yourself, which in turn leads me to agree with the validation piece others were mentioning. This is beyond hot sex, IMHO. It's about fear of revealing who you really are to your "H," about your fear of being completely honest, then being rejected.

 

My sticking point is the cruelty of misleading someone by not being honest and respecting them enough to make their own decision to stay or go.

[2sure]

I never should have used the term in the title maybe it never should have been brought up at all except exactly that.. You hear it as an excuse for affairs contestant in the media right now. When the term was first brought up to me about how I was functioning about 8 years ago. Three different people seperately.. Two different counsellors I was talking to within a year of each other and my family doctor.

 

I used like a drug as a mood stabilizer and it was the only way I was able to feel any love it real connection to anyone.. I never followed up on it and am not going to list all the other aspects that led to get discussions about it as an addiction because I don't see the need..

 

I'm not a troll, I've changed nothing yet.. I've left out things that would out me for who I am but that's it.

 

Im surprised three different therapists diagnosed you as a sex addict. My XH tried to get a diagnosis of that for legal reasons when I was divorcing him. They had to come up with something else . A quick search will give you the basics. Do you look at porn often, pay a lot for sex or porn, have many partners, had any legal problems stemming from your addiction?

 

It sounds like you like sex, use it to relieve stress and for recreation...so you're having an affair.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Because I like women and men? And because I like the kinds of sex he considers for gay men ha ha no other way to put it.

And ya, I'm called a four letter word the begins with S in a mocking way just for suggesting things I want to do.. He'll even try them sometimes but mock me mercilessly afterwards to the point I've stopped suggesting. He doesn't do this in a dramatic abusive way.. To make that clear.not a reason to divorce your children's father.

 

 

 

A. Doe your husband know you are "bisexual"?

 

B. Are you talking about anal? (even though in your words there is "no other way to put it")

 

 

 

... and on that last note: "... that depends on whether you actually care about said children"

 

 

You've done precious little in this thread but to make up excuses for every individual factor that you yourself have created or caused, as if to blame anything/anyone and everything/everyone who isn't you for the frustration which inspired you to begin the thread in the first place.

[AutumnMoon]

Im surprised three different therapists diagnosed you as a sex addict. My XH tried to get a diagnosis of that for legal reasons when I was divorcing him. They had to come up with something else . A quick search will give you the basics. Do you look at porn often, pay a lot for sex or porn, have many partners, had any legal problems stemming from your addiction?

 

It sounds like you like sex, use it to relieve stress and for recreation...so you're having an affair.

 

I haven't been diognosed.. Both counsellors suggested it and said we should follow up and we never did.

 

Your last statement is correct.

[junkelope]

I understand your situation, however I think you are going about it wrong. You don't have a shot at keeping the endorphins and lust up with your OMM forever. At some point in every relationship, the excitement dies down, and things start to become, well... routine. This is why the first two weeks of having sex with someone are always the most intense. I bet you can't recount the 5th to last time you had sex with your H, or OMM without thinking hard, but I sure as hell bet you can instantly pull up the first couple in your mind. Point being, it's going to die down. And there isn't going to be enough love and commitment to your OMM to back it up, unless you leave your H. So I have a solution for you, OP. There's a way to keep up the endorphins forever.

 

Leave the A. Return to your faithful H, and pick something else to fall in love with. For me it's riding horses. The competitive aspect, the feeling of one body two souls, the notion that there is always something more to learn, always a bigger fence to jump, always a special horse to bond with- that revitalizes me. Find a passion, and fall in love with that. It can be a sport, writing, cooking, whatever. Make it social, make it fun, let it be time that you recharge, let it build you as a person. Fall in love with it. You will not regret it. There has to be some part of you that is disappointed by your A. Create something you love that makes you more proud of yourself, not less.

[2sure]

I am not a sex addict. Addicted to the attention, validation, ego massage, escape from ordinary life, raising my self esteem. Absolutely.

 

A lot of people use sex to escape anxiety.

 

That was exactly my X. He has a bottomless need for NEW validation , that would shock anyone who knew him. I think this is what affairs are about usually.

[2sure]

You joined a few days ago and have so many threads, same as always. Same subjects, same phrases, same non issues.

[AutumnMoon]

A. Doe your husband know you are "bisexual"?

 

B. Are you talking about anal? (even though in your words there is "no other way to put it")

 

 

 

... and on that last note: "... that depends on whether you actually care about said children"

 

 

You've done precious little in this thread but to make up excuses for every individual factor that you yourself have created or caused, as if to blame anything/anyone and everything/everyone who isn't you for the frustration which inspired you to begin the thread in the first place.

 

He has suggested I am gay a lot. Or bisexual I've denied it because he gets upset about it.

 

Yes, I meant anal sex, I meant that there was no other way to put it because I was explaining what him being homophobic had to do with it. I meant to be more specific I'm sorry.

[AutumnMoon]

You joined a few days ago and have so many threads, same as always. Same subjects, same phrases, same non issues.

 

I apologize for wasting your time?

They are not non issues to me.

[2sure]

I forgive you.

[ladydesigner]

AutumnMoon I have a question for you and you do not have to answer if you prefer not to, but were you ever abused as a child or teen? The reason I ask this is because I have had impulsive sexual behavior that has ranged from extremely high libido and reckless to not wanting it at all. I was sexually abused as a child and raped as a teenager so I think alot of my deviant sexual behavior stems from that. If I look back it looks like I'm all over the map. Since my WH's A with MOW I want to have sex like 3 times a day, my WH is starting to worry .

 

Also just an fyi I am a fMOW and the fact that I let myself have an A is enough to call it impulsive.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

He has suggested I am gay a lot. Or bisexual I've denied it because he gets upset about it.

 

Yes, I meant anal sex, I meant that there was no other way to put it because I was explaining what him being homophobic had to do with it. I meant to be more specific I'm sorry.

 

 

 

OK, you win points... (even for enhanced clarity, by now)

 

It is perfectly fine, and not indicative of anything 'gay' at all, that a woman might like anal sex.

 

To associate the two exclusively would be akin to associating oral-on-males to being 'gay'.

 

However, I... I... I... also have a bit of compassion for a male who might not want to go at his woman's butt with the, um, passion/fervor she might like, based on his own lack of eagerness to have anyone or anything return the favor.

 

I mean, there could be males out in this world who would love to have-at the willing butt of a partner of their gender preference, who (in the interest of 'fairness') refrain from same for simply not being the types who could handle reciprocity (be it a woman with a strap-on, or a gay male), perhaps for anatomical reasons and limitations.

[AutumnMoon]

OK, you win points... (even for enhanced clarity, by now)

 

It is perfectly fine, and not indicative of anything 'gay' at all, that a woman might like anal sex.

 

To associate the two exclusively would be akin to associating oral-on-males to being 'gay'.

 

However, I... I... I... also have a bit of compassion for a male who might not want to go at his woman's butt with the, um, passion/fervor she might like, based on his own lack of eagerness to have anyone or anything return the favor.

 

I mean, there could be males out in this world who would love to have-at the willing butt of a partner of their gender preference, who (in the interest of 'fairness') refrain from same for simply not being the types who could handle reciprocity (be it a woman with a strap-on, or a gay male), perhaps for anatomical reasons and limitations.

 

I'm well aware there is nothing 'gay' about it at all but it does that does not change my husbands opinion and yes, he'll often try what I want to try and then call me a slut or gross after so it's not something I do anymore. I know what he likes, I know what I like that he's willing to do and I don't push it further. He's not a prude.. He would do a lot of things but its the way he treats me after. And even during like its really all for him. It's not a reason for divorce but it does affect a person.

[AutumnMoon]

AutumnMoon I have a question for you and you do not have to answer if you prefer not to, but were you ever abused as a child or teen? The reason I ask this is because I have had impulsive sexual behavior that has ranged from extremely high libido and reckless to not wanting it at all. I was sexually abused as a child and raped as a teenager so I think alot of my deviant sexual behavior stems from that. If I look back it looks like I'm all over the map. Since my WH's A with MOW I want to have sex like 3 times a day, my WH is starting to worry .

 

Also just an fyi I am a fMOW and the fact that I let myself have an A is enough to call it impulsive.

 

This has been mentioned so many times to me as a possibility but I have nothing but good memories of being a child. All come back to when trying to figure out the source of things was when I was around 12 I went through a growth spurt.. Quiet honestly I was a 34DD at 12 and suddenly became very very aware of my body. The kind of men that pay attention to you for that are all older. And I worked it. I'm not going to get very descriptive of my teen years because people around me are well aware but from 12 until 18 I looked to sex for a connection to people and for a mood stabilizer, for recreation whatever you want to say. All the men were older than me but I wouldn't call it rape. They weed not older than me by that much nor was it abusive unless that's what I wanted although maybe coerced.

 

I liked feeling used. And I used sex as a way to feel love and connection and if I felt bad after I didn't care because there was always more supply. I gravitated to men that use women. My husband was the first man I had to chase. I was faithful to him physically for about 8 years.

 

I was raped at 17 in a very violent situation BUT it was because of the situation I had put myself in and the behaviour started years before that so it wasn't the cause of it. I almost look back now as I went into that willingly.. I didn't want it to happen but it was staring me in the face and I let it happen and I did not do much other than cry to really protest. It's like I want to be punished I have no idea.

 

That's not the cause of this though. Because the behaviour all started years before that incident so I don't even like it brought up. I think I've only talked about it three times ever.

Edited September 5, 2013 by AutumnMoon

[Betterthanthis13]

^^^

 

What Pierre said.

[Betterthanthis13]

I got shut down earlier in the thread, I wasn't phrasing it right or something, but what I was getting at was, it would benefit you to take a hard look at what needs you actually have that your husband isn't meeting, and determine if there is a way he can do something to meet them. I am sure it all goes back to low self esteem, and the need for validation.

[AutumnMoon]

None of the reasons for some of my behaviour I've listed are excuses for the affair.

 

I went into it knowing what I was doing.

[Artie Lang]

you and your husband seem to be on different wavelengths, sexually speaking. he might not be a prude, but he's just not a good fit(no pun intended).

 

 

i don't think you're a sex addict, per se. you're just not getting what you want at home. the illicitness and the secrecy of the affair only adds to the naughtiness; hence, the staisfaction you're getting from this OM.

Edited September 5, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Betterthanthis13]

None of the reasons for some of my behaviour I've listed are excuses for the affair.

 

I went into it knowing what I was doing.

 

Ok- so now that some time has passed, do you still feel like you made the right choice for yourself by entering an A?

 

Not what's right for your family. For yourself.

[ladydesigner]

AutumnMoon thanks for taking the time to reply and I am sorry for all you have suffered. I too used to let men (always older) use me too when I was in High School. I always relied on my looks and always attracted the real a**holes. Either they would be controlling or non-committal types.

 

My father was very emotionally cold to me growing up and I have always searched for approval and validation through men because I never got it from my father until recently. Sometimes if we do not have a great parental figure growing up that can cause low-self esteem too.

[AutumnMoon]

Your family is not your priority. Otherwise you wouldn't be engaging in behavior that is destructive to them.

 

Someone whose family is their priority do not engage in affairs.

 

 

 

 

You are asking us to help you feel good about continuing on with this behavior? Really?

 

You don't have to give input or read anything that offends you, but are welcome too. I love my family and as insane ad my situation is right now this is working. It won't forever and will have to end at some point, maybe even soon, but it's happening, morally wrong or not.

[AutumnMoon]

Whatever you do in the bedroom goes as long as you give consent. Good for you for being assertive.

 

I just have a question. I personally don't do anal sex because of the issue of fecal material. I am more than happy to play in there, but no more than that.

 

 

It has always been my understanding that most women submit to anal sex to please the male lover. Are you truly enjoying the anal or do you do it to be a good girl? I ask because I think you enjoy the domination (been roughed up) and the submission more than the actual act.

 

 

Are you truly bisexual? Or do you simply fall in love with whomever meets your emotional needs?

 

I did it at first because a certain guy I was with really wanted me too. I didn't enjoy the feeling at first but I did like feeling used (its hard to explain, i get off on feeling dirty) and I did like knowing how much he liked it so I continued and eventually I learned to love it and Ill crave it. I'm like that with lots of things most people would assume I just do for the guy I guess.

I don't really understand why.

 

I don't know if I can label myself as anything properly. I said bisexual I didn't know another way to describe myself here, I've never used the term in real life about myself.. I'm attracted to both men and women sexually but I'm much more attracted to men, and I do think it has to do with wanting a sexual partner to have power and strength over me and yes I do think I want people's love and acceptance and I try to get that with sex. I haven't had a sexual relationship with a woman since I was a teenager though.

 

Also.. Anal sex does not have to involve fecal material.. I've never had that happen. Although I'm sure it does happen to people.

[William]

Did some editing due to a previously banned member intruding. Some posts have been deleted. Carry on.

[AutumnMoon]

For you.

 

How do you correlate betraying your husband and loving him? And what is your plan if your husband ever finds out?

 

I actually booked an appointment today to talk to someone because right now I really feel like nobody is hurt as long as they don't know.

 

I feel like I'm in control right now but I know they can change and him finding out would break my heart for him and my kids.

 

Right now I just tell myself it's helping me cope.. But this isn't who I ever wanted to be.

[AutumnMoon]

OK, I got it. It is the idea of being used that turns you on.

 

My wife gets off on the concept of providing pleasure. If she provides a lot of pleasure then she is more horny, but at the same time in control. My wife does not want me to exclusively pleasure her because she will reach orgasm very quickly. But, I believe she is a pleasure giver because she also has self esteem issues. She always want to prove how great she is.

 

I suggest you scale down your affair to an EA.

 

 

Have phone sex with OM and then do your H for the real deal.

 

 

Make your H be as kinky as you,

 

I'm not sexually attracted to my husband. I picture the other guy.. And did for years before I even knew he was thinking about me too.

 

I don't know how to get past that. I'm sexually attracted to almost everyone BUT my husband. I don't understand why,