When did you start to feel better?

[1calgal]

I have a question for OW who have been out of their A longer than I. I feel like I should be getting over this by now. But instead I still have so many miserable moments and think about MM constantly. It's been over a month since NC and almost three months since D day and LC. So why do I still feel like crap? Why do I still hope he'll contact me? Why do I come so close to contacting him? It's insane.

 

I left my husband of 18 years shortly after the A started. So in a sense it's been a double whammy. It's now less than 6 weeks until our divorce is final. I don't want him back though. I don't have respect for him. But I should have no respect for MM either. He lied to his wife over and over. I never lied to my husband. So why does this have such a hold on me? I just feel so alone.

 

When did things start to feel better for you? Is there a light beyond the tunnel? I need some encouragement!

[Goodbye]

I think your grief is probably complicated by your new status as single woman. Even if you wanted/needed a divorce, 18 years of marriage is a long time and it is an adjustment. I was also married 18 years and I'm still getting used to the thought of not being a married woman. I sort of eased into the "thing" with the exMM, in part, to not deal with the grief. I wish I had some advice. I'm getting better overtime. Do you have some support, like a therapist?

 

Is your exMM still with his W? I think I held onto anger because we never really had a D-day...my MM kind of just got re-absorbed into his marriage...no real consequence.

[whichwayisup]

I have a question for OW who have been out of their A longer than I. I feel like I should be getting over this by now. But instead I still have so many miserable moments and think about MM constantly. It's been over a month since NC and almost three months since D day and LC. So why do I still feel like crap? Why do I still hope he'll contact me? Why do I come so close to contacting him? It's insane.

What you actively doing to prevent yourself from thinking about exMM constantly? Hanging onto the memories, reliving them, remembering, fantasizing etc, just makes those feelings stick around. By doing this, you're preventing yourself from grieving the loss, letting go so you can heal properly. Hanging onto hope, allowing yourself to have hope is another reason why you're still this miserable.

It does take time to get over any relationship, yet it seems A's take longer because of the intensity of it all and the addictiveness of the feelings felt during the A.

 

Make a list of fun things you want to do with friends and family. DO them! Keep busy and tire yourself out so at night time you can sleep. Put the TV on if need be to distract your mind from drifting thoughts about him. Be proactive, DO NC in your mind too. The less you think about him, the better you will feel.

 

I left my husband of 18 years shortly after the A started. So in a sense it's been a double whammy. It's now less than 6 weeks until our divorce is final. I don't want him back though. I don't have respect for him. But I should have no respect for MM either. He lied to his wife over and over. I never lied to my husband. So why does this have such a hold on me? I just feel so alone.

 

Glad that you and your H are divorcing, though it's still a loss, and you need to grieve that too.

 

you invested yourself way too much into exMM and that's probably why. Your feelings clouded your better judgement and even though you want to not respect exMM, you still do because you love him.

 

Get busy, make yourself do stuff. Sitting around and being miserable isn't helping.

 

You're not alone though, you have family, friends, neighbours..

[KentuckyGent]

OM here and I'm 7 mos. LC and 2 mos. NC until recently. I'm still not "over it". Until she initiated LC again recently I was managing somewhat but still had lots of hard and difficult moments.

[Ladydrib]

I have a question for OW who have been out of their A longer than I. I feel like I should be getting over this by now. But instead I still have so many miserable moments and think about MM constantly. It's been over a month since NC and almost three months since D day and LC. So why do I still feel like crap? Why do I still hope he'll contact me? Why do I come so close to contacting him? It's insane.

 

I left my husband of 18 years shortly after the A started. So in a sense it's been a double whammy. It's now less than 6 weeks until our divorce is final. I don't want him back though. I don't have respect for him. But I should have no respect for MM either. He lied to his wife over and over. I never lied to my husband. So why does this have such a hold on me? I just feel so alone.

 

When did things start to feel better for you? Is there a light beyond the tunnel? I need some encouragement!

 

Just like he lied to his wife, he most likely lied to you too. It's the lies which you remember that keep you holding on to hope. Each time you remember something that made it seem like you really had a future, set it aside in a mental compartment and label it a "lie". This will help you let go of hope. I believe that's the first step to moving on. You have got to find a way to stop thinking he might come back and stop wanting him to come back. That is what is holding you back.

[Red Wolverine]

Seriously, the moment I realized he was a weak coward, my feelings came to a screeching halt. I've never been so open in trusting my heart as I was with him.

 

Knowing he wasn't strong, but rather selfish, changed everything for me.

 

I'm a realist and at this point in my life, I'm not prepared to raise a man. I have two children for that.

[Feb]

Seriously, the moment I realized he was a weak coward, my feelings came to a screeching halt. I've never been so open in trusting my heart as I was with him.

 

Knowing he wasn't strong, but rather selfish, changed everything for me.

 

I'm a realist and at this point in my life, I'm not prepared to raise a man. I have two children for that.

 

I love this Red. I'm also a realist.

 

1cal -- From my observations, the people who seemed more successful in "getting over it" were able to separate what they were really in love with. At first you will say, "Well duh, I'm in love with my MM". A lot of times that's not really the case, especially when you look at what kind of man MM is. There is a thread out here about things you will NOT miss about MM -- take a look at that and see if those traits sound familiar. A lot of us figured out we were really in love with:

-The man we THOUGHT the MM was, or the man we thought he COULD be with enough of our love and understanding (not who he was ... we'd see the red flags, but swept them under the rug)

-The future faking fantasies that were never realistic to begin with

-The addiction and excitement of the A itself

-The external validation, that usually came in the form of a lot of words, but very little action.

-The need solve problems and save our poor, helpless MMs from their horrible circumstances.

 

All of the above are not very tangible and 'real' things, and certainly not something you could build a long-term relationship out of.

[happy stillmore]

Ditto what Red Everyone said!

 

I remind myself that everything he said was lies. I also trusted him like no other. Now I'm angry that I may not trust that way again. Damn him!

 

I also choose to picture my 52 year old xMM as a child who needs his momma. She packs his lunch and drives him to work. I imagine she even slicks his few hairs down with her spatted on hand.

[Cocochai]

It's the good memories your still holding on to along with the emotional connection you two had. You two were forced to end the A as well. All A's seem harder to move on when there wasn't a true closure especially on the OW's part.

 

The reality is, you have a choice to move on and find a good Guy you truly deserve to have in your life. who wont want to share you and take away your full happiness. Your MM for whatever reason decided to stay with the BS either to make things right, or to find another AP she doesn't know about. Either way, his actions spoke louder then words.

 

I'm about a month on NC but I actually tried to kerp myself busy and connected with another Single guy when I least expected it. It truly made me realize I lost my worth so much with the MM that I'm actually dating in public instead of feeling used for sex. I still think about him but, more so the punk way he ended things which reminds me how insensative and selfish he truly is.

 

I told my new guy everything I wasn't going to tolerate and so far... Things are great.

 

You deserve better OP!!

[Feb]

The other huge factor I forgot to mention, is self-esteem. Those that worked on getting their self-esteem back, and worked on why they had an A or a relationship with a MM or MW in the first place appear to do the best in terms of permanent healing.

 

Those that just went through the motions of trying NC and LC without working on themselves, usually slipped from NC and spent long periods of time pining away for their AP.

[Red Wolverine]

Ditto what Red Everyone said!

 

I remind myself that everything he said was lies. I also trusted him like no other. Now I'm angry that I may not trust that way again. Damn him!

 

I also choose to picture my 52 year old xMM as a child who needs his momma. She packs his lunch and drives him to work. I imagine she even slicks his few hairs down with her spatted on hand.

 

I don't believe he lied. In fact, as odd as it sounds, it was the most honest relationship I ever had. I will trust and love again but it will take time.

 

What changed my perspective was knowing he put himself above his wife and I. It's not that he picked his wife..... He chose HIMSELF out of fear. Realizing that was profoundly disappointing.

 

I'm sure no one is more disappointed in him than he is. When push came to shove, he did what was safe for him. That choice impacted me, but more importantly, it robbed his wife of her own choice.

 

Once I knew that, I had to give her a choice and get out of the way.

[happy stillmore]

When I said my xMM lied, I was referring to our future dreams. I do believe he loved me. We talked about putting our love on a pedestal, cherishing what we have. To me, those words were lies. If he had truly believed those words, he would never have chosen a life without me in it. I do understand the fear he had of hurting his family and wife. But, there comes a time in your life where you have to decide your happiness. He chose the safer road. I get it. Still hurts.

 

I do wonder how he feels about himself. About me. Whether he feels sad or relieved that his life is simple again. Am I a dream already forgotten?

[thefooloftheyear]

Sometimes people forget that even though it wasnt a "conventional" relationship, in most of these cases there was/is a genuine attachment and love for the other person in the affair.

 

That being said, why should it be any different than any other breakup? Sure, some people are stone hearted and can kick it out of the box and move on the next day as if nothing happened, but the reality is that most people are going to go through a process of "greiving the loss." This takes time and patience and certainly one month of NC isnt going to be enough for most people. You just need to hang in there and ride it out.

 

Time has a way of taking care of these things..Until then, you just need to take care of yourself and "fake it til you make it"

 

TFY

[1calgal]

Just like he lied to his wife, he most likely lied to you too. It's the lies which you remember that keep you holding on to hope. Each time you remember something that made it seem like you really had a future, set it aside in a mental compartment and label it a "lie". This will help you let go of hope. I believe that's the first step to moving on. You have got to find a way to stop thinking he might come back and stop wanting him to come back. That is what is holding you back.

 

I really like this advice. I still have trouble believing that he lied to me. But logically it must be true.

[1calgal]

Seriously, the moment I realized he was a weak coward, my feelings came to a screeching halt. I've never been so open in trusting my heart as I was with him.

 

Knowing he wasn't strong, but rather selfish, changed everything for me.

 

I'm a realist and at this point in my life, I'm not prepared to raise a man. I have two children for that.

 

Yes, you are right. I must face the fact that he is either weak or selfish. It is a double-edged sword, however. Because then I have to admit to myself that I was duped. I put him on a pedestal, right from the beginning. It ended before I got the chance to see all his worts.

 

One thing that really bugs me is that he gets to go back to his perfect little life without any consequences. He has everything and I have nothing. From the last I heard, his wife was pulling out all the stops to please him. And my life has all been turned upside down.

[1calgal]

OM here and I'm 7 mos. LC and 2 mos. NC until recently. I'm still not "over it". Until she initiated LC again recently I was managing somewhat but still had lots of hard and difficult moments.

 

Yikes, you're scaring me. I hope I feel better in 6 months! Crap.

[WakingUp]

Yes, you are right. I must face the fact that he is either weak or selfish. It is a double-edged sword, however. Because then I have to admit to myself that I was duped. I put him on a pedestal, right from the beginning. It ended before I got the chance to see all his worts.

 

One thing that really bugs me is that he gets to go back to his perfect little life without any consequences. He has everything and I have nothing. From the last I heard, his wife was pulling out all the stops to please him. And my life has all been turned upside down.

 

Darling girl, think hard about this.

 

You weren't duped... you trusted and believed. And don't lose your ability to trust and believe in the future, because you have to have faith in the world.

 

And hey, he hasn't gone back to a perfect little life. There will be consequences, trust in that. He either has to work hard to be happy in his marriage or he will just keep doing what he did with you. That is not a happy little life!

 

You are the one with everything. All the opportunities that lie ahead of you, seize them! Make them happen! This is the beginning of your future!

 

He however, doesn't have options. BUT YOU DO!

 

Once you realise these things, progress begins. Use this experience to feel your freedom again.

 

Sending hugs. It will be OK, you will be OK.

[maidai]

Darling girl, think hard about this.

 

You weren't duped... you trusted and believed. And don't lose your ability to trust and believe in the future, because you have to have faith in the world.

 

And hey, he hasn't gone back to a perfect little life. There will be consequences, trust in that. He either has to work hard to be happy in his marriage or he will just keep doing what he did with you. That is not a happy little life!

 

You are the one with everything. All the opportunities that lie ahead of you, seize them! Make them happen! This is the beginning of your future!

 

He however, doesn't have options. BUT YOU DO!

 

Once you realise these things, progress begins. Use this experience to feel your freedom again.

 

Sending hugs. It will be OK, you will be OK.

 

I agree with all above. I am a month out of my relationship and coming up to a month in NC. We were very much together as he and his wife had been apart 3 years. She knew we were together for 2 and was not bothered. Then suddenly click she wants him back. We had words and 2 days later I find he is there.

 

I made my own life hell for a week thinking exactly what you are thinking that he has slipped back into his comfortable home life with her. Reality is he jumped straight back into the hell that was his marriage and caused a 3 year split with a divorce just about to be finalised. The defining moment for me was having the shock of the facebook she had made him deactivate re appearing literally in front of my eyes 3 weeks later when I was not suspecting it. All the stuff we did together and ALL the photos of me and him are still on there for everyone who knows us to see. He and his wife have not even added each other as friends. Must be going swimmingly then lol! I have now blocked him but before I did I saw him selling his hobby gear and commenting to friends who he partook of his hobby with *he would be with them in Spirit* when they were heading out for a game and arranging future games. This is all the stuff she stopped first time round and a big contributing factor in the marriage breakdown etc because he was allowed to work go home, work go home. His children have disowned him, his family and friends who lived it the first time round with him are upset, confused and pulling away. It could not happen to a nicer bloke.

 

I realised then that you do not get a proverbial bed of roses without sleeping neck deep in s**t and it helped. I can only begin to imagine the horror of what he jumped back into and the look on his face. He is back being ruled, probably stewing, realising his mistake and I am out having fun. She cheated repeatedly, she made his life hell, he does not trust her and her guilt means she does not trust him. Would I rather be me with the chance of a new life or him rotting getting more miserable in his old?

 

It still hurts. I still get the odd moment but I just mentally chastise myself and find something to do.

Edited September 3, 2013 by maidai

[1calgal]

Thank you to everyone who responded with words of encouragement. I didn't think I could do it but today I was able to block him from my mind nearly the entire day. Every time I started to go in that direction I stopped and told myself "nope!" Also, I keep trying to think of the bad and not idiolize the good. And it really helped. It helps to be back at work. My work requires focus and it's a great way to block out obsessive thoughts. The weekends are harder.

[fanine]

Be strong and you will be okay. He will not be happy. My xMM lied to me he was separated. I then found out there was another OW. His life is a mess. These guys will not change unless they really recognise their problems, and I don't think many do. So outwardly he may seem happy and not care, but inwardly these guys are,dead. Many have hollow hearts and are simply far too selfish.

 

You are different though and you can move on and have a wonderful life. Take care of yourself, do some new things. That has given me some new excitement in my life. Make sure you connect with friends. One day you will look back and think thank god I got out of this. He can never get out of himself. Take care x

[Red Wolverine]

Yes, you are right. I must face the fact that he is either weak or selfish. It is a double-edged sword, however. Because then I have to admit to myself that I was duped. I put him on a pedestal, right from the beginning. It ended before I got the chance to see all his worts.

 

One thing that really bugs me is that he gets to go back to his perfect little life without any consequences. He has everything and I have nothing. From the last I heard, his wife was pulling out all the stops to please him. And my life has all been turned upside down.

 

He doesn't have a perfect little life. He doesn't have everything.

 

He has no self-respect. He has made two women profoundly unhappy. He is selfish. Selfish people are never happy long-term.

 

You can be happy. You have freedom and choices. Choose it, then work towards it.

[KentuckyGent]

Be strong and you will be okay. He will not be happy. My xMM lied to me he was separated. I then found out there was another OW. His life is a mess. These guys will not change unless they really recognise their problems, and I don't think many do. So outwardly he may seem happy and not care, but inwardly these guys are,dead. Many have hollow hearts and are simply far too selfish.

 

You are different though and you can move on and have a wonderful life. Take care of yourself, do some new things. That has given me some new excitement in my life. Make sure you connect with friends. One day you will look back and think thank god I got out of this. He can never get out of himself. Take care x

 

 

Like! Like! Like! Like!

[fanine]

Like! Like! Like! Like!

 

I should have said women/she as well of course - it's not only men who are like this - as you have found out ...

[JPMC]

Once you let hope die, it gets easier. Let go of any hope.