cali1 Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 28 year old male, divorced 2 years ago. My ex-wife and I dated from age 16-24. We married from age 24-26, which is when she left and cheated on me with a colleague 16 years older than her in the radio/entertainment industry. This took place when I was on a 2 month work trip, the longest we had been away from each other... We still live in the same city but have gone our separate ways. She ended up marrying that guy after just 6 months of dating about 1 year ago. After no contact and an ugly divorce, she sent me the following email today: "I'm sorry this comes out of the blue. I am not trying to get your attention, or open up old wounds. I just want to give you my heartfelt apology for the confusion and pain I caused you, and all the reprocussions my leaving has had on your life. And please don't take this as me looking down on you or feeling sorry for you. I just have wanted to acknowledge what I did to you, and how I know that you never did anything but love me and provide for me. I want to acknowlegde how sudden my change of heart felt must have felt to you, and how much pain I caused you by leaving so quickly, without giving you the chance to fight. There was nothing you could have done to change what happened, but you deserve my respect for dealing with it, and picking up the pieces. You're a strong person, and a good man. Thank you for loving me for all those years. You helped shape who I am." So...what are your thoughts?! Most obvious is to ignore and forget, move on. I unfortunately still have feelings for her but they have subdued quite a bit. Also not interested in being friends with her. Thanks for any insight and opinions you may have. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 Hmmm. I'm suspicious. My cynical side wonders if all is not well in paradise, or maybe she's in a 12-step program and apologizing for her past transgressions. Who knows? I know I wouldn't reply just for the purpose of avoiding the possibility of future contact. You may get a different perspective from someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Misfortune Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 It's just for her to feel better. They never apologize when in the heat of their new relationship or when they're screwing you over. They only apologize when something goes sour in their life and they now have to deal with the stuff that they did to others. I'm in the same situation where my wife left me and she hasn't apologized. Probably never will until she hits the same point as ur ex; that's how they work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 It is for her own peace of mind b/c she feels it needed to be said. I actually sent something similar to an ex-boyfriend a few years ago. Not quite as detailed, but sort of a "Sorry how things ended, I hope you're happy and doing well in life. Thank you for being there when I needed a shoulder and I'm sorry I never said this sooner." type of thing. I didn't want anything from it and specifically told him that I didn't expect a response. (I didn't get one and feel it was for the best, though I did kind of open the door for him to say whatever he wanted, I suppose.) Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 Most obvious is to ignore and forget, move on. ^^^ THIS ^^^ She is fishing. Don't bite the bait. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 Sounds like she's growing up. Maybe she experienced pain and now understands better what you went thru but maybe still doesn't understand fully what this email might trigger for you emotionally. I'm just guessing. I would delete it and try to forget it. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 It's just for her to feel better. They never apologize when in the heat of their new relationship or when they're screwing you over. They only apologize when something goes sour in their life and they now have to deal with the stuff that they did to others. I'm in the same situation where my wife left me and she hasn't apologized. Probably never will until she hits the same point as ur ex; that's how they work. Not to play devil's advocate, but if it takes someone to be face down in the mud for them to repent, better it happen even at that humiliating point than never at all. I only say this because I know how our Lord works. He breaks people like clay. If, at that point, we don't forgive that person once they've changed, then it becomes OUR wrong and God is displeased with US--even though the other person technically caused it. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 It's just for her to feel better. They never apologize when in the heat of their new relationship or when they're screwing you over. They only apologize when something goes sour in their life and they now have to deal with the stuff that they did to others. I'm in the same situation where my wife left me and she hasn't apologized. Probably never will until she hits the same point as ur ex; that's how they work. ^^^^^ That is what it was for me. Down and out and looking for forgiveness from me. Forgiving ended up not being as difficult as I envisioned. But forgiveness doesn't mean taking back. It just helped me get on with life. I was tired of always being angry about the past. My advice - just let it go. She, in no way, offered herself up. She said there was nothing you could have done to change it. While it sounded as if she could be sincere and realized how poorly she treated you, there isn't anything in it for you other than that. Leave it be and keep on going. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Misfortune Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) Not to play devil's advocate, but if it takes someone to be face down in the mud for them to repent, better it happen even at that humiliating point than never at all. I only say this because I know how our Lord works. He breaks people like clay. If, at that point, we don't forgive that person once they've changed, then it becomes OUR wrong and God is displeased with US--even though the other person technically caused it. I didn't say not to forgive her. What he chooses to do with it/he is his decision. I'm just saying that she's only apologizing because her life isn't going as well as it was. I already forgave my scum of wife without ever receiving anything but disrespect and indifference from her. I just recently apologize to a few of my exes, ONLY after things went south for me. Sure I felt I did a few of them wrong but I never apologized until things weren't blissful for me anymore. It's just how most people work. I wouldn't respond unless I wanted to open a line of communication again. It's years later, the dust has settled. Edited September 3, 2013 by Misfortune Link to post Share on other sites
hayewils Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 To hell with her.. Ignore it like it never happened. Roll on, you dont deserve to be treated like second hand trash! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 Most obvious is to ignore and forget, move on... Also not interested in being friends with her. If the above are true, what possible reason - or temptation - would you have to respond ??? Think back to the time of her affair and the pain, hurt and mental anguish involved. And then ask yourself if you have any interest in signing up for that program again ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery2Me Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 Advice...Continue living your life....Let-It-Go! This is the predictable ending to the affair fog even if it took 2yrs and divorce to clear. She's still at square one, unhappy in life, and looking to place it all at your feet. It appears that you have moved forward, yes feelings are still there, but she has NOT done the work you have. As you know divorce is hard work, and she after trying to avoid it has realized this. Real truth she is not missing you, rather looking for a soft place to fall....let her ass it the hard ground you know. Life can be a cruel teacher, and it is NOT your responsibility anymore to look out for her. Say nothing.......she still would through you under the bus. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 Hmmm. I'm suspicious. My cynical side wonders if all is not well in paradise, or maybe she's in a 12-step program and apologizing for her past transgressions. Who knows? I know I wouldn't reply just for the purpose of avoiding the possibility of future contact. You may get a different perspective from someone else. I agree. Sounds like an amends letter for step 9. She's owning how she participated and that she hurt you. She never asked you to respond and didn't ask for you to contact her. Leave it as it is. Do not respond. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 I agree with several here.It's very 12 step "make amends" sounding to me. There is not one good reason to respond to her. REVITUP 2 Link to post Share on other sites
96nole Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 I would certainly question the authenticity of any letter resulting from a 12 step program. She "acknowledges" what she did to you. She "acknowledges" the pain it caused you. I say don't acknowledge you got the email. Whatever caused her to write that email is her problem. Don't make it yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
maidai Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 I would not respond. Let her deal with it herself. Accept it for what it is an apology and move on. x Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 I agree. Sounds like an amends letter for step 9. She's owning how she participated and that she hurt you. She never asked you to respond and didn't ask for you to contact her. Leave it as it is. Do not respond. Real amends are meant to be done face to face - her letter is the cowards way to apologize - half hearted. And no way to interact to see how the other half takes the apology. Still - no response is necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 There is an old Scottish proverb that says, "confession is good for the soul". I think it's as simple as that. In this case at least she's consistent as it seems to be only her soul she's worried about. OP, do take anything positive from the email? Any comfort to you in knowing how she feels? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
CptSaveAho Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 Real amends are meant to be done face to face - her letter is the cowards way to apologize - half hearted. And no way to interact to see how the other half takes the apology. In your bitter deluded fantasy world maybe An apology is an apology And your second statement is false, if I were to do something wrong and later apologize, I am not responsible for your emotional response based on my apology. Its your responsibility to handle your emotions in a mature manner and if you can't then the apology wont matter Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Well at least she acknowledges she did you wrong and appears to have a semblance of a conscience. Just be glad you have no ties to her and keep on keeping on. She did that for HERSELF. F her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 In your bitter deluded fantasy world maybe An apology is an apology And your second statement is false, if I were to do something wrong and later apologize, I am not responsible for your emotional response based on my apology. Its your responsibility to handle your emotions in a mature manner and if you can't then the apology wont matter I was referring to the instructions in step 9 of a 12 step program. Those instructions are clear - to go to the person directly unless its not at all possible. And those instructions are designed to set things right FOR the one that was harmed - not necessarily the one doing the apology - that is where I was pointing out that hers seemed one side = to relieve her guilt. She may not be in a 12 step program... She didn't ask him to respond... So I suppose there's no need to communicate with her. I didn't get the feeling the OP bases his emotional well being (or not) on her apology. And stop making assumptions about my character - you have no idea how happy I am everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Friend, she married a guy who has no issue banging another man's wife. My guess is she's getting a taste of her own medicine. If he's a radio DJ he's probably making it with some young groupie. She just realized her mistake, his s**t stinks after all. Don't reply. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 It's just for her to feel better. They never apologize when in the heat of their new relationship or when they're screwing you over. They only apologize when something goes sour in their life and they now have to deal with the stuff that they did to others. I'm in the same situation where my wife left me and she hasn't apologized. Probably never will until she hits the same point as ur ex; that's how they work. It is for her own peace of mind b/c she feels it needed to be said. I actually sent something similar to an ex-boyfriend a few years ago. Not quite as detailed, but sort of a "Sorry how things ended, I hope you're happy and doing well in life. Thank you for being there when I needed a shoulder and I'm sorry I never said this sooner." type of thing. I didn't want anything from it and specifically told him that I didn't expect a response. (I didn't get one and feel it was for the best, though I did kind of open the door for him to say whatever he wanted, I suppose.) That was not XWW on a fishing trip. I could be wrong. That was not an apology. XWW is trying to make herself feel better. You must block the email address she used and do not respond. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Friend, she married a guy who has no issue banging another man's wife. My guess is she's getting a taste of her own medicine. If he's a radio DJ he's probably making it with some young groupie. She just realized her mistake, his s**t stinks after all. Don't reply. Probably true. Cheat with you they will cheat on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 (edited) "I'm sorry this comes out of the blue. I am not trying to get your attention, or open up old wounds. Yet that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I just want to give you my heartfelt apology for the confusion and pain I caused you, and all the reprocussions my leaving has had on your life. Translation: I really did a number on you. I wonder if I still have the power to do it again? The drama was a rush. And please don't take this as me looking down on you or feeling sorry for you. I just have wanted to acknowledge what I did to you, and how I know that you never did anything but love me and provide for me. I bet she didn't say that on d-day, but she wasn't bored then. I want to acknowlegde how sudden my change of heart felt must have felt to you, and how much pain I caused you by leaving so quickly, without giving you the chance to fight. Umm...ok, I'm wondering now, you did want to fight...right? There was nothing you could have done to change what happened, but you deserve my respect for dealing with it, and picking up the pieces. I crapped all over your life but it didn't destroy you. I'm impressed! You're a strong person, and a good man. Translation: this is me being condescending. Thank you for loving me for all those years. You helped shape who I am." That's an insult. My take in bold, FWIW. Leave it alone. Edited September 4, 2013 by Steadfast 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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