I need some advice on my LDR, not sure what to do anymore....

[conster1181]

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Hi Everyone,

 

I need some advice on what to do with my LDR. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and most of it has been apart. We had met before I was moving back home to my parents for a year. We had both become 200% comfortable with each other in no time. When we are around each other everything feels right that we are together. We are both extremely happy go lucky. He always says that there is just something about me. Meaning that he doesn't know why we had meet and that he is happy that we did, and that I brought light back into his life, and about how much he cares about me and loves me. We also had agreed that when I move back out there next year to finish school that we will move in together. Since I had left, I never brought that up, he has brought that up to me a few times about us moving in with each other. And he was the one that had asked me to when I move back. Lately it seems like I am in a no win relationship. He doesn't really pick up a phone to call me at all. It seems like I am the one that has made all the trips to see him.

He tells me also all the time that if it were not for me then he wouldn't be where he is at right now. Which is the truth. I had bailed him out of getting an OUI on his driving record. We have done thru a lot during the time that we have been together. From one of my graduations, to auto accidents, losing licenses, to all kind of things.

The only thing that we have ever argued about is him calling me. i don't see what is so hard about picking up a phone to call someone. Does anyone else?

Right now he is also working like 20 hours a day 7 days a week. I am lucky if I get to talk to him at the most of 5 minutes every day, or every other day. And thats with me calling him. He will tell me that he will call me back and doesn't. I don't get it. The reason why he works so much because he is trying to get his own business started and also because he is a mechanic, so when a big rig breaks down at any hour he gets a call to go and fix it.

I do know that he is also stressed out because of his working hours and other things also right now.

I also do know that he does have ADD. Some times I wonder is that is also part of the problem with him calling me. He also has broken promises to me. I don't like the fact that I have been let down by him. And he knows that because I make him aware of my feelings about that. But then he just did that again this past weekend.

He always tells me if I don't hear from him for a while not to worry and that everything is OK.

Should I be worried or am I looking into this way to far? Any advice that you can give would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening!

[Boogie]

I'm not sure how far away you two are, but it seems to me that there are a few minor issues you need to think about... First off, while his not calling you would normally be problematic, the fact that he's working so much suggests that he's really busy -- not that he doesn't care about you. Has this always been a problem, or was he more attentive -- even by phone -- before his business situation changed?

 

Second, what promises has he broken? Sounds to me that he's very busy and he means well but has a tough time following through because his business situation is occupying all his time.

 

The good news: he's obviously not disinterested in you, which would normally be a possible reason why one stops calling the other. The bad news: if there isn't any pattern other than this, he may be the type of person who doesn't show his feelings, which could be a problem down the line.

 

Seems to me that you have several options: the first is to plod along with the situation, complaining here and there (or worse, keeping silent thereabout); second, to tell him you can't continue on this path unless he makes changes; or third, cutting back how often you call him and let him come to you. If he continues to not contact you, then he's either not ready to move forward with you or he's not committed to the relationship. However, odds are he'll find a way to meet you in the middle. If you make it easy for him, then he'll be able to be less motivated and more lazy. Similarly, if you are the one going to him and he never comes to you, then you need to let him come to you the next time. If between now and the time you are moving back, if he doesn't make any attempt to see you or contact you, then the writing is on the wall.

 

However...I think if you've let him know where you're at emotionally, and show him that you will meet him only halfway but expect him to put forth effort, he will get the message. If you are willing to end the relationship if he is unwilling to be there for you as you are for him, then you should at least let him get the message that you are no longer willing to be in a one-way relationship.

 

The one thing to keep in mind is that his business situation might preclude him from coming to visit you, and that is something which is out of his control. Plus, depending on the distance, he might not be able to afford to do so. However, a three-minute phone call to say he misses you and was thinking about you is really not unreasonable a demand -- and his not doing so is really inexcusable, even if he is working 18-hour days. More importantly, even if he isn't a "phone" person, and doesn't have much time to himself, knowing you need some reassurance and interest from him should be all the motivation he needs to call you for even a few minutes a day. If he's unwilling to do that, then that speaks volumes. And finally...if he does improve (ie start calling you), don't push him to the point where he's staying on the phone but falling asleep. Meet him in the middle, but no further.

[conster1181]

Hi Boogie,

 

Thanks for replying. Well right now we are 5 hours apart, I am currently in Upstate NY and he is out in MA. The thing with him not calling developed once he started working so much. Over the summer I had worked a 9-5 job and he was working at Overnight Transportion 3-11 so I would get a phone call every night when he got home from work. I guess that is just what I am use to is the call every night and I dont get that anymore. Not only that but when we both had out own places down in RI he would either come over every night or I would get a phone call to go there every night. When we were both in the same state we had spent a lot of time together. And I miss that!

 

The promises are kinda stupid but not really. It's just that we would set up a weekend to get together and spend time with each other. The past 3-4 times that we have, he has either just canceled out at the very last minute after I already made plans for the weekend. Then I look stupid going out cause Im the third wheel. Then this past weekend he had kept telling me over and over again not to worry that he was going to be out here and he never showed up. That hurt this past weekend cause I really wanted to see him. We had made that plan about a month ago and kept on talking about it each week. Not only that but he know that we were going to get together this past weekend also because my birthday is during the week this week.

 

I have told him in Sept that I didn't like how everything was going. We had gotten into an agruement about it. Things changed for a little while I was able to talk to him a little more then what I did before. I would get a text message here and there. I don't even get that anymore. But he keeps telling me also that this is more like a once in a life time thing for him to do on getting his own shop and business owned up. I understand that also. When we were arguing on the phone that one night he was like I just dont know what else I can do or what you want me to do. The way that I was going with the converstion was like well do you want to still be in a relationship, but I didn't state it to him. All my hints were towards that and he was just like I just need some time to get all of this underway and what not so he can set himself up for the future. He never stated that he didn't want to be with me.

 

I think that he is ready to move forward cause like I said he is the one that keeps bringing up the living sisuation about me moving out there and in with him. Some times I even think that if I was out there that would most likely be when I would get to see him is at night when we are sleeping. (I miss him holding me at night time too )

 

I am wondering if I had been making it easy for him cause he always knew the times that I would call him. One night when I called he was like I was wondering when you were going to call cause he was driving to a road call. I was like you know you can pick up a phone and call me also. He was like yes I know, but you know me, I just dont have the time to and I was waiting for your call, this way i can keep the radio blasting so I would be able to keep my eyes open a bit longer.

 

Thanks again!

[Boogie]

Well...there are some good things in there and there some things that are not-so-good. First, the good things -- he has, in the past, been attentive and responsive to your feelings and needs, so he knows how he should be behaving. Also, he is asking you for time, not suggesting the two of you should take some time and see where you're both at.

 

The negatives are sort of varied: first, the living situation is most likely a double-edged sword. You should not seriously consider living with him until he gives you a ring, if only because he seems like he's spent a lot of time making you wait. Inasmuch as living together can be nice, it can also be misery -- and without the commitment of a ring, it is a lot easier for it all to dissolve. As a guy, I know a lot of women who are not against the idea of living with someone prior to marriage, but beyond the promise of marriage there is a ring, period. So think about that.

 

Also, I can see him not being able to send you a text message while he's driving, but he should have more sense than to actually tell you he was waiting for your call. The next time he gives you that line, make sure you don't call him the next night. See if he calls you back, and when. If he doesn't call until late, then you should ask yourself what you think he is thinking of. It literally takes three minutes to call and say "Hi, it's me, I didn't know if you were around or awake but I wanted to let you know I was thinking about you." I don't understand why more guys don't get it -- it's an easy way of making a woman happy -- and unless you are really NOT thinking of someone, calling them and telling them you ARE thinking of them is a nice smile-inducer. For him to admit he was waiting for you to call him is not cool. It probably means that he doesn't know better, but until you let him know it's unacceptable, it will continue. Actions, not words, are what what tell the tale.

 

Overall, I think he's a good guy who is overwhelmed with work and doesn't know better in how to handle a relationship and a huge workload. That in and of itself isn't fatal, but you need to somehow let him know that as things are, you aren't satisfied. And as a man, I know that if the woman isn't satisfied, the relationship is not going to last.

 

Not much here beyond what you already knew, but I think you need to take affirmative action in order to get the relationship where you need it to be. One way or the other, you need to get through to him what you need in order to be happy, and if he doesn't get it, is unwilling or unable to do so, then the writing is on the wall.

 

Good luck! :-)