Sexless dating leads to...

[Tim_horton]

Someone on one of the other forums suggested I get advice here. Apologies if it is not a strict marriage issue. I am dating someone for two years and we have never had sex. It isn't for religious reasons - i could accept that if i felt she WANTED sex but was abstaining for this - she says it's because she's afraid to get pregnant but I don't feel the desire is there either.

 

She wants more of a commitment from me but I'm afraid this isn't going to get better with moving in/marriage. We are taking a break and I miss her but it has gotten really hard for me. I need some kind of physical intimacy, even if it isn't intercourse. I feel like a weirdo. And I don't think I would be able to last another year. And I want kids, too.

[Nyla]

Fear of pregnancy can be greatly mitigated by using two forms of birth control.

 

If there are no religious reasons, it looks like your girlfriend just isn't interested in sex.

 

Not sure why you stayed with her for this long. Tell her how you feel. I certainly wouldn't marry a man I hadn't slept with.

[Mr. Lucky]

she says it's because she's afraid to get pregnant but I don't feel the desire is there either.

So then she must be a virgin as I'd assume this fear would prevent any partners, not just you.

 

You're with someone who's using sex as a weapon against you from Day 1. Why would you waste two years of your life on this ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[ThomasD]

If your report is accurate and complete, it does indeed sound like her sexual appetite is well below your desires. Does she think this is typical, or acceptable?

 

My wife and I were wedding-night virgins after dating for a little over a year (including our engagement). From rather early in the relationship it was apparent that she WANTED sex - with ME in particular - even though we did, in fact, abstain. Since getting married we have enjoyed sex a lot, as well as enjoying a lot of sex - so it's not accurate to say that a girl who refuses sex before marriage is a frigid prude.

 

You don't indicate what sort of physical intimacy you think would meet your desires at this point in your relationship, or where on the spectrum from hand-holding to full intercourse your current level of lovemaking falls. Don't automatically assume her pregnancy concerns are merely an excuse. However, if that IS a major factor then she may have a generalized fear of sex (or emotional intimacy) that would be a significant problem in any long-term arrangement, probably requiring some professional help to resolve.

 

Two years is a lot of time and emotion to invest in another person, then simply walk away. If you two can't reach a mutually acceptable solution I hope you can part with at least an understanding of each other's needs and desires in this area.

[oldshirt]

 

I feel like a weirdo. And I don't think I would be able to last another year.

 

No, you are a perfectly normal and healthy adult man. The weirdo is the one who dates a woman for more than two WEEKS without seeing any sign of attraction and desire from the woman he is seeing.

[oldshirt]

 

My wife and I were wedding-night virgins after dating for a little over a year (including our engagement). From rather early in the relationship it was apparent that she WANTED sex - with ME in particular - even though we did, in fact, abstain. Since getting married we have enjoyed sex a lot, as well as enjoying a lot of sex - so it's not accurate to say that a girl who refuses sex before marriage is a frigid prude.

 

 

This is a real key point that needs to be driven home. There are a lot of couples who's values and morals lead them to abstain from intercourse until commitment/exclusivity/marriage.

 

HOWEVER they still experience and express desire and find ways to deal with that desire.

 

In your case she is not even citing religious/moral reasons for the abstinence. The fear of pregnancy is just the excuse she is using to keep you at bay. Noone on the planet has ever gotten pregnant from giving a blow job. If she wanted to, she would.

 

The reason she is pushing for commitment is NOT so that she can express sexuality in a committed relationship - she is pushing for a commitment to show that you will still support and provide for her EVEN THOUGH SHE IS NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

 

In other words she is wanting the commitment to prove to her that you are a gullible chump and will stay with her even without sex.

 

.. And so far it is working for her and you are being the perfect emasculated chump for her.

[jimmytwowheels]

There are several reasons why a person might not be comfortable in engaging in sexual activity, but she's the one that has to provide you with a good reason. Meaning you need to talk to her and explain the importance you attach to a meaningful physical relationship that will deepen your connection.

Personally, I wouldn't have gotten to the 2 years. My brother is very religious and married at 28 with another virgin, but they still displayed physical affection and fooled around just a bit.

[Madman81]

Someone on one of the other forums suggested I get advice here. Apologies if it is not a strict marriage issue. I am dating someone for two years and we have never had sex. It isn't for religious reasons - i could accept that if i felt she WANTED sex but was abstaining for this - she says it's because she's afraid to get pregnant but I don't feel the desire is there either.

 

She wants more of a commitment from me but I'm afraid this isn't going to get better with moving in/marriage. We are taking a break and I miss her but it has gotten really hard for me. I need some kind of physical intimacy, even if it isn't intercourse. I feel like a weirdo. And I don't think I would be able to last another year. And I want kids, too.

Do you and she do ANYTHING physically intimate, beyond kissing? Oral, manual stimulation, etc.? If not, I think you're right on the money about the desire element being missing on her part.

 

She may simply be not a sexual person. Obviously that's not a problem as long as the other partner feels the same way. Which you don't, so it's a problem, and a critical one at that.

 

Fair enough, sex isn't the only important thing in a relationship, but it's pretty bloody important, for a bunch of reasons. A sexless relationship wouldn't work for me, and there's absolutely NOTHING weird about that. If you don't believe us on LS, ask any relationship counselor or expert you like and they'll tell you the same thing.

 

Two years is a very long time to let such a situation go on, but with her saying she wants more of a commitment, the time to deal with this is NOW. And you need to be blunt. You need to point out the passage of two years, the lack of really any physical intimacy, the fact that you see it as an indispensable part of a relationship, and that you can't commit to a relationship that lacks it.

 

I'll leave this part to you, but you may even need to end things, now. Two years with no sexual intimacy of any kind certainly suggests that she hasn't missed it. Don't doom yourself by committing to a relationship that is highly unsatisfying in such a critical respect.

[pteromom]

If she's gone two years without ANYTHING - no oral or hands or anything at all - I think you can safely assume that she either has no desire for sex, or she has no desire for sex with you.

 

After two years, you should be able to have a very frank and open discussion with her about this.

 

I absolutely would not move forward unless and until this is resolved.

[yessy21]

This is something ....eh?

 

well... you have emotionally committed... And that should be enough to spark up a flame between you two.

 

What is she really afraid of?

 

Her desires seem way off. If there's no finger action or twisty going around then there is definitely something deep going on.

 

I MEAN the majority of the human population gets Horny and erotic when with a partner.

[Sparty97]

So wait...SHE wants more of a commitment from YOU? You've been with her for two years and haven't had sex... I can not think of a greater commitment.

[janedoe67]

Take it from someone who KNOWS...

 

If this is already an issue, do not marry her. It will not change. It will not get better.

 

You are not a freak for wanting physical intimacy with someone you love.

 

Had I heeded the advice I am giving you...well, it's complicated because I wouldn't have my two amazing kids....but a lot of heartache I will never be able to adequately describe would have been avoided. There is very little that is more painful than craving the intimacy we were designed to crave and the only person from who you can morally get it refusing to meet that need. It is like a kind of slow death.

[smoky eyes]

My boyfriend's ex wouldn't have sex for the first year of their two year relationship. He said she had major body hang-ups although I've seen pictures and she was a normal, pretty girl. He said she'd been fat as a child, lost weight and was a tiny little person, but still hated her body.

 

It did eventually drive them apart.