Affair sex

[Baby123]

When reading the boards it is clear that a lot of people in A's believe the sex to be better than regular sex.

 

Me and my xMM are really battling the addiction to the rush and the sex. We do love eachother still, but sex was a massive part of our relationship.

 

Will regular sex ever compare to A sex?

[bentleychic]

I've only been with two people in my life that way, exH and MM, so I really don't have a lot to compare it to. MM is better in many ways than exH was, but I know why part of that is. I won't share why here, but it's not a situational thing at all. I assume if we end up together after the affair, things will calm down some, but I think all relationships tend to do that when you can get it from your partner whenever you want it as opposed to once or twice a week.

[cocorico]

When reading the boards it is clear that a lot of people in A's believe the sex to be better than regular sex.

 

Me and my xMM are really battling the addiction to the rush and the sex. We do love eachother still, but sex was a massive part of our relationship.

 

Will regular sex ever compare to A sex?

 

Regular sex with whom?

 

I don't think it being an A has anything material to do with it, but rather the compatibility between the partners. Having transitioned our R from an A to a M, we found that our sex life did not nosedive into boring, routine M sex. It still has all the passion, intensity and wonder it had during the A, with the addition of another layer of intimacy built up through the decade we've been together.

[glowing]

We have been married a little over a year (affair began 4 years ago), and the sex has only gotten better. As amazing as it was in the beginning, I figured it would settle once we were officially together. The freedom to be together whenever we want, having him in bed with me every night...it's wonderful

[glowing]

Regular sex with whom?

 

I don't think it being an A has anything material to do with it, but rather the compatibility between the partners. Having transitioned our R from an A to a M, we found that our sex life did not nosedive into boring, routine M sex. It still has all the passion, intensity and wonder it had during the A, with the addition of another layer of intimacy built up through the decade we've been together.

 

Or, you know, what she said

[cocorico]

Even for old people?

 

 

Affair sex is usually better because SEX is between the ears. The hurdles make it better.

 

Sooner or later SEX enters a calm phase if the affair couple becomes a normal couple. From that point on one needs a bit of imagination.

 

Speak for yourself, sweetie How many As have you transitioned into Ms? I'm curious as to the basis of your claims, given that two members who _have_ successfully transitioned As have posted the complete opposite.

 

And no, we were a normal couple during the A too, no need to become one later.

 

Still, glad you had hurdles to make it exciting for you. Some of us had enough excitement just being together, no need for athletic equipment.

[ladydesigner]

Affair sex with xAP was very disappointing. My WH is the one who I am compatible with sexually. I was seeking out validation and emotional support during my A. It had absolutely nothing to do with the sex.

 

And on a side note I have to agree with strongernow65. Reconciliation sex and hysterical bonding, after my WH's A with MOW, was and still is the best sex I have ever had. We are really connecting on a spiritual level sexually than we ever have.

[BruisedBNBroken]

There may be another mechanism in play regarding affair sex:

 

Note how most newbie OWs say that the sex is amazing. But, they also mention that sex was crappy or non existent in the current (MOW) or prior relationship (single OW).

 

Could it be that good sex simply feels off the charts for people that were having no sex or mediocre sex. Just check out the threads: What is the common denominator in the people having the affair?

 

If they are currently married they hardly have sex. If they are recently divorced they never had sex. If they are single they are tired of the ho hum scene with single men and they are not getting any.

 

This. Exactly. At least for me. In a sexless marriage and sex with xAP was off the charts, not because he was especially amazing at it or we were necessarily completely physically compatible, but because it had been so long, that any physical intimacy and physical touch was just so great to me.

[MissBee]

For me personally the A sex wasn't the greatest sex I'd ever had actually. So non-A sex did compare as the really good sex I had didn't happen the A. The A sex was good but not over the top the best.

[MissBee]

This. Exactly. At least for me. In a sexless marriage and sex with xAP was off the charts, not because he was especially amazing at it or we were necessarily completely physically compatible, but because it had been so long, that any physical intimacy and physical touch was just so great to me.

 

I often wonder about this too.

[wrinkledforhead]

I've dated on an off in the last several years since I left my children's father. I had a satisfying sex life, by myself or with a partner. My sex life with MM was fantastic, and especially since I've been able to act out some fantasies I've had as well as explore his.

[wrinkledforhead]

Really?

 

In my experience masturbation is nothing like the real deal.

 

Oh, the two don't even compare! But it's still satisfying, nonetheless.

[Baby123]

Mine and MM's sex was always incredible. I'd had my fair share of lovers, and even when single had FWB situations but something about the A, being secret, the intensity of the situation, the longing for one another made it so much more then anything I've ever experienced. Being with a man who was also so appreciative of my body considering he did not fancy the BS was also a major turn on.

 

Ah I miss the sex from my MM, and the love.

[carhill]

Will regular sex ever compare to A sex?

 

Presuming the relationship continues post-affair, that would be one clear way of comparing. Limerence can be a mind-altering state and time usually is the cure. One factor to ponder is reflection upon all of one's romantic relationships and examining the progression of sex and feelings surrounding sex in each of those, presuming one has more than one sexual relationship in life. Compare. See how it went. Honestly examine one's feelings over time. A pattern should emerge, specific to one's style and psychology. That's the sign. Good luck.

[Baby123]

I agree, it is validation, but the wrong kind of validation and both partners do everything they can to satisfy the other. I am very concerned that i'm going to want to break LC and resume a physical affair, for the rush and the sex. Maybe that's just an excuse to get the love back.

[ladydesigner]

Excellent post.

 

 

I have said before: That men that claim the wife never wants sex must be doing something wrong in the marriage. These men cannot turn the wife on to have good sex. Hence these men may be good lovers only on the short term and very poor lovers on the long term.

 

 

Gawd thank you for posting this. Reading all you OW saying us BS's are dried up just kidding. There actually was a time that I wasn't in the mood for sex and it was when I suspected my WH had his first A's. In our M it has been ALL about HIM. I supported him, helped him through school, acquire jobs, raising 2 kids and work full time, etc. My WH wanted me to just **** him when he got home, sometimes would just whip it out on the spot. Really romantic huh, especially after doing so much for HIM and getting nothing in return. I have explained this to my WH. it is a very hard thing to admit not being sexually attracted to your mate and not understanding why. I understand now, my WH does too, but at what cost? Our family is like wreckage that we are sifting through trying to make sense of what happened.

[cocorico]

Yeah, MM says: "My wife is not interested in having sex with me". Sometimes these men have no clue about how to romance a woman in a long term relationship. They are very good at the onset, but lose the charm in the long term.

 

If a cheating man says: "My wife is always willing to have sex with me" it simply means he is turning her on.

 

Or, he BW *is* the problem.

 

If a MM can sustain, and improve, a sex life with a different partner over the long term, way beyond the A, it does suggest that

1) the BW was the problem; or

2) the compatibility between the two was low.

 

However much it sticks in the craw for some to admit, sometimes it's not just a nasty mean old MM to blame for everything wrong in the world. Some BWs have blood on their own hands.

[cocorico]

Presuming the relationship continues post-affair, that would be one clear way of comparing.

 

 

Having transitioned our R from an A to a M, we found that our sex life did not nosedive into boring, routine M sex. It still has all the passion, intensity and wonder it had during the A, with the addition of another layer of intimacy built up through the decade we've been together.

 

Point proven, then

[carhill]

Though seldom chronicled here on LS, relationships which begin as sexual affairs in real life can and sometimes do continue and strengthen post-affair and post-termination of the prior primary relationships.

 

Relevant to the OP's question, it appears that they see a clear delineation between 'regular' sex in their M and 'affair' sex with their sexual partner/FWB. If that is their only experience (one marriage and one affair), it somewhat limits the ability to effectively compare and extrapolate from their own personal experience and results. Further, as each relationship in life exists in the continuum of life, no person is the same person, psychologically, at each point along the continuum; we change constantly. Ergo, as an example, even if the OP had 'great' sex with her spouse in the past and it morphed into 'meh' sex over time, she is not the same person she was during that time, so it is entirely possible that a new experience could work out exactly the same or be completely different. That said, with more experiences to be examined, clearer patterns of 'sameness' or 'change' can be identified and processed, providing a modicum of guidance along the continuum.

 

Perhaps this is the downside of having a psychologist for a MC and getting into such discussions with him. It kind of sterilizes what should otherwise be pleasurable and beneficial life experiences of sexual and emotional interactions with fellow humans. At the time, it served its purpose, that being achieving clarity, which perhaps the OP is seeking as well.

[fanine]

Though seldom chronicled here on LS, relationships which begin as sexual affairs in real life can and sometimes do continue and strengthen post-affair and post-termination of the prior primary relationships.

 

Relevant to the OP's question, it appears that they see a clear delineation between 'regular' sex in their M and 'affair' sex with their sexual partner/FWB. If that is their only experience (one marriage and one affair), it somewhat limits the ability to effectively compare and extrapolate from their own personal experience and results. Further, as each relationship in life exists in the continuum of life, no person is the same person, psychologically, at each point along the continuum; we change constantly. Ergo, as an example, even if the OP had 'great' sex with her spouse in the past and it morphed into 'meh' sex over time, she is not the same person she was during that time, so it is entirely possible that a new experience could work out exactly the same or be completely different. That said, with more experiences to be examined, clearer patterns of 'sameness' or 'change' can be identified and processed, providing a modicum of guidance along the continuum.

 

Perhaps this is the downside of having a psychologist for a MC and getting into such discussions with him. It kind of sterilizes what should otherwise be pleasurable and beneficial life experiences of sexual and emotional interactions with fellow humans. At the time, it served its purpose, that being achieving clarity, which perhaps the OP is seeking as well.

 

I would say the best sex I have ever had was with my xMM. I did not know at the time he was a MM though. I think it was the best because of me. I am far more confident in my body now I am in my 40s even though my body is not quite as good as it was! But I have a confidence in my own body image. I was willing to let go, enjoy it....No hang ups I am too fat, no eating disorders. I am finally happy in my own skin at this age. So you are right that in different stages of our lives, the sex will be different as we are not the same person.

[JPMC]

The first time around, it was off the charts great. The best ever. The newness, experimentation and everything.

 

Two years later, I thought it would be like before. It was still great because I'm so attracted to her and she's great, but it wasn't what I remembered. Honestly, it took a LONG time to achieve climax. And unlike before where it would be 4 times in a day, I was tapped out doing it 5 times in 3 days.

 

My wife has gotten significantly better because I communicated what I like. I wish she would move around more but that's okay.

[AutumnMoon]

For me affair sex has been the best I've ever had, but the relationship was hugely based on close friendship and lust and we are very limited to when we can have actual physical contact.. So it's intense and secretive and a huge rush.. All goes back to being a lot in the mind.

[GreySkyMorning]

The sex was fantastic. However, it wasn't the physical part that made it so great. I was deeply in love. That was the first time I'd ever really experienced making love. Physically, I've had better, but it didnt even compare to what xmm and I did together because the emotional connection made all the difference.

 

Man I wish I could still do casual sex.

[Baby123]

The sex was fantastic. However, it wasn't the physical part that made it so great. I was deeply in love. That was the first time I'd ever really experienced making love. Physically, I've had better, but it didnt even compare to what xmm and I did together because the emotional connection made all the difference.

 

Man I wish I could still do casual sex.

 

with you MM or in general?

[GreySkyMorning]

with you MM or in general?

In general. Does that make me sound horrible? I miss sex greatly. I'm 43 yrs old and before xmm, I was single for ten years. I just wasn't looking for anyone or even making myself available to anyone. I had a few flings, friends with bennys things, but not a lot of contact. Then with xmm, we only got together about every month and a half. So there was a lot of time without sex then too. Now I really miss it. I have this fear that I'll never be in a relationship again and I'll turn into a dried up old lady.

 

I just can't bring myself to do the casual sex route though anymore. Theres a guy I work with that would be a good friend with benefits type and we've joked around a little bit with it, but I can't make myself get to the point of enjoying anything with him. I have no libido anymore. What's up with that?

Edited September 5, 2013 by GreySkyMorning
added info