affairaddict Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 I spent a good while reading threads and trying to make sense of stuff I suppose. I'm hurt that within everyone else's 6/12month plus EA Mm talks of love and says ILY and I didn't get that. Even at the end when I told him that, and it was very clear this was the last words between us from me - nothing. Now I felt that he did but I can't make the excuse he's terrible with feelings cloud things, he obviously just didnt . I know deep down I'm very loveable and have loads of qualities but I can't shake the feeling that I didn't even fit the mould as low as that sounds. I was/am in fog feeling in love and textbook how you feel yet it seems it can't have been mutual. Even if it wasn't real love and "fog" he never made it known he felt that. So now I feel like it was nothing, the emotional connection talking every day and the kissing and all the moments I thought had deep feeling behind can't have meant anything if I was just "liked" ugh Do I even make any sense ? Gutted today. Angry /crying. Link to post Share on other sites
KentuckyGent Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 So if I am to understand you, you're saying that you're hurt because some of us were told by our married APs that they loved us or ILY? Look where it got 90% of us. For the most part, it turned out that those words, if not outright FALSE, were merely hollow expressions with little to no meaning. Trust me, I wish mine had never claimed her deep, unending love for me and that i'd never felt that way for her. Wish I had been told at the outside that it was merely a fling or affair. The "talks of love" meant jack **** in the end when it was jerked out from under us. It meant nothing in the long run/. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author affairaddict Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 Hey yeah I know it sounds f up! I know I should be happy I'm dealing with a man who accepts the situation is wrong and accepts my decision to end it , and generally never said anything to mislead and accepts NC. But you know those demons and whispers in the back of your mind ... Yeah you meant nothing.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author affairaddict Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 I mean myself of course. Link to post Share on other sites
KentuckyGent Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 Well I got multitude ILYs "we're soulmates", future faking, and other expressions of love and I STILL feel and know that I really meant nothing. In other words, those demands and whispers (shouts really) that I never meant **** to her are not only in the back of my mind but in the very front and never go away. So just because they say it and pretend they feel it doesn't make it true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author affairaddict Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 I don't get any of it . I've tried. Why compartmentalise and not mean it when the emotional connection has obviously gone at home because there is definitely something gone wrong for a man/woman to have EAs . Link to post Share on other sites
KentuckyGent Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 I never said they were lies. I'm saying they ultimately meant nothing. In fact, my ex-MW goes to great pains to point out that none of the hurt was ever intentional and that she was in essence "flying blind" within the A as it was (she claimed) her first. I have my doubts as she was very good at covering her tracks. So yeah there may not have been evil intent, it was all still ultimately a charade as it is for the vast vast majority of us APs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author affairaddict Posted September 3, 2013 Author Share Posted September 3, 2013 Are the men that don't talk to you when they're with the W , weekends etc.. Definite compartmentalisers ? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 During those moments you two spent together it was special, and there was a connection, don't minimize that. It's just the afterwards, it didn't last and he was able to disconnect and detach quickly. Hope you feel better! And good that you see you ARE lovable. You are! He wasn't ever in a position where it could lead to something else more serious. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 I don't get any of it . I've tried. Why compartmentalise and not mean it when the emotional connection has obviously gone at home because there is definitely something gone wrong for a man/woman to have EAs . It is not always this way. MM like to paint us BS's as evil, abusive, witholding sex yadda yadda. Truth of it is there are two in the M and two have figure out what is wrong, not one taking an easy exit. My WH has problems being emotionally intimate and is very conflict avoidant and somewhat of a Narcissist. Combine those types and it makes sense why he ran from me (had A) when he should have been talking to me. I had no idea what was going on. We were not fighting, HE was always in a bad mood because HE was having an A. It sounds like the only people happy during an A are the WS's everyone else seems to be somewhat miserable if you ask me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KentuckyGent Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 It's just the afterwards, it didn't last and he was able to disconnect and detach quickly. So why then do they just easily come and go in and out of your life? Why do they, like my situation, call to "check in" once a week or so (ignoring you all other times) after months of being absent? What are the damn motives? Why do they tell you they'll never offer you more than friendship again and easily tell you the whole A was a mistake? Why can I not, for the love of GOD!!!, block her number once and for all? Why would I do almost anything to be with her knowing she doesn't want me? Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 So why then do they just easily come and go in and out of your life? Why do they, like my situation, call to "check in" once a week or so (ignoring you all other times) after months of being absent? What are the damn motives? Why do they tell you they'll never offer you more than friendship again and easily tell you the whole A was a mistake? Why can I not, for the love of GOD!!!, block her number once and for all? Why would I do almost anything to be with her knowing she doesn't want me? They do it simply for an ego boost to help them feel better. If they get you to respond then it still must mean that you like/love them:sick: The last question YOU need to figure out. Why you let yourself accept so little from someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 So why then do they just easily come and go in and out of your life? Why do they, like my situation, call to "check in" once a week or so (ignoring you all other times) after months of being absent? What are the damn motives? Why do they tell you they'll never offer you more than friendship again and easily tell you the whole A was a mistake? Why can I not, for the love of GOD!!!, block her number once and for all? Why would I do almost anything to be with her knowing she doesn't want me? Ego feed! To check in to make sure you're still into them, for selfish reasons. Some men (and women) are capable of just being..D*cks! As for the rest of your paragraph? Only you can answer that. Why do you want someone who doesn't want you and treats you like crap, like second fiddle? What is it that you're getting out of it? Link to post Share on other sites
smoky eyes Posted September 3, 2013 Share Posted September 3, 2013 Did he say ILY to his partner? I know this sounds crazy, but I have a friend in 7+ year relationship (not an affair) whose boyfriend has never said he loves her. It would drive me completely nuts, but she says he acts as if he does and she's happy... Link to post Share on other sites
KentuckyGent Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Why you let yourself accept so little from someone else. I suppose because it's better than getting nothing from everyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Nothing is better than disrespect. I don't understand how its so difficult to understand that a healthy person ends one relationship before they start another. That anything that is done/said in an affair can not be taken to the bank, as they are bankrupt of any morals/character. As for why ap accept this arrangement? I have no freaking idea!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 I spent a good while reading threads and trying to make sense of stuff I suppose. I'm hurt that within everyone else's 6/12month plus EA Mm talks of love and says ILY and I didn't get that. Even at the end when I told him that, and it was very clear this was the last words between us from me - nothing. Now I felt that he did but I can't make the excuse he's terrible with feelings cloud things, he obviously just didnt . I know deep down I'm very loveable and have loads of qualities but I can't shake the feeling that I didn't even fit the mould as low as that sounds. I was/am in fog feeling in love and textbook how you feel yet it seems it can't have been mutual. Even if it wasn't real love and "fog" he never made it known he felt that. So now I feel like it was nothing, the emotional connection talking every day and the kissing and all the moments I thought had deep feeling behind can't have meant anything if I was just "liked" ugh Do I even make any sense ? Gutted today. Angry /crying. Bingo to the bold. It's interesting you mention that. Because as I answered another poster, I don't think it would help you to have had him utter fake words of ILY. That may hurt now, but in the long run you will hopefully heal faster. As much as I respect Pierre's opinion. I disagree that the partners are "loved" in the affair bubble. Lusted? Absolutely, a selfish sort of love? (again that's not true love) yes. But not really "loved" which is something most humans crave. People who love do not treat others so disrespectfully and they certainly don't "hurt" the one they love. The theory that "Love hurts," only sells songs and movies, it shouldn't have a place in a healthy and loving marriage. So don't let his or anyone's words validate you or who you are. You are worthy of love. REAL love. Seek first to find happiness within you, all else will follow. It takes time and a true soul searching, but it is very much possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 As much as I respect Pierre's opinion. I disagree that the partners are "loved" in the affair bubble. Lusted? Absolutely, a selfish sort of love? (again that's not true love) yes. But not really "loved" which is something most humans crave. I absolutely agree with this. I believe this thought process does not help people to move forward. To really examine how/why they allowed such self disrespect to occur. It keeps the bloom on the rose....when there wasn't even rose to begin with. My hope is that those that have been hurt by infidelity (no matter what alphabet soup they want to identify with), that they learn from it. They learn about themselves,they learn to make themselves happy, they become empowered, they become a whole person. That they never allow themselves to drop to lowest emotional IQ in the room. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 If the man loves you, you won't end up being angery and crying now. If all the empty words and felt connection confuse you, just see how sad you feel now and how doubtful you are about your lovableness. If a man truly loves you, he won't endure to see you sad and crying alone. If a man truly loves you, you would feel valued by him Link to post Share on other sites
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