My Story as a fWW

[Bittersweetie]

I've been here a while now but most of my story is here and there in different threads. So I thought it might be helpful to have things in one place, especially for other WWs or BHs trying to understand their WWs. I've been here long enough to know that my story has similarities to other A stories yet is also my own so my thoughts and solutions may not apply to others. But I hope it helps in some way.

 

My H and I are currently over 3.5 years from d-day. Besides one VM just after d-day, I've had no contact with xOM since. I haven't seen or spoken to xOM in four years now...d-day for us was a few months after the A ended. My A happened while my H and I were living in separate parts of the country. He came back about when the A ended. I was considering telling him what I did but I was afraid and selfish and scared. D-day occurred when I found out I had HPV and so I told my H.

 

H was, of course, very upset. He packed a bag and left. It was just before the holidays. We didn't speak for ten days. Looking back I think that was a good thing in that we both were able to take some time alone to figure out what steps to take moving forward. For me, I knew I wanted to be with my H. I'd realized that before d-day. So I started reading books ("Not Just Friends" was actually the first one I read...it's always recommended by posters here and I agree) and spending time online. I was terrified because I wasn't sure if my H was interested in staying together with me.

 

My H took that time to decide not to decide. At that time, we had no children, but had been together 15 years. We had a long history. So he decided to not make a decision. However, that did not mean I was home-free or off the hook. I gave him all my passwords. I texted whenever I went somewhere. The texting thing galled me at first, until I realized it was a way to start rebuilding trust. Of course it was like putting a penny in a jar the size of a car, but I had to start somewhere.

 

We each started individual IC. We didn't do MC, but created our own sessions. Every week we set aside a time to talk specifically about the affair. I answered questions, painful ones. The first few times my H made plans for himself after our sessions so that we could both have some alone downtime. I think having the Talk Time was good for us because we both understood that anything that came up then was to be taken seriously. And that it was a time to listen too.

 

I did trickle truth. I left out a couple of aspects of the A to protect myself. But my H found out part of it and I told him the rest six months later. Like many WS, I didn't think leaving out a couple of things would be a big deal...but of course it was. My H was upset but at that point he said, "I can't monitor you forever. What you do is up to you."

 

To be honest I think that him saying that helped me realize I needed to grow up. I was sticking to NC, but more so for him than me...at that point I said to myself, "I want to be a better person. For myself." I knew that we were still 50/50 on whether we were going to stay together, but regardless I wanted to rebuild my integrity and be healthier for myself moving forward.

 

In IC and on my own I looked at why I did such a thing. At the time, I thought my H was supposed to make me happy and he wasn't, so I looked to fill in the gaps elsewhere. Now I know that I am in charge of my happiness...others can only enhance it. My H was working a lot and angry a lot...I tried to talk to him about it but I see now I wasn't assertive enough. I thought a passing "Please stop working so much" would do it. And when things didn't change, I again thought I could fill in the gaps with someone else. Our physical relationship wasn't ideal either but we both shied away from facing it, thus no improvement. Again, filling in gaps I thought.

 

So I spent a lot of time thinking about things. I realized I am a selfish person. I'm an only child, and used to getting what I want. My H even said that he sees now he enabled me to continue doing that. Like I mentioned earlier, I thought someone else could make me happy. I thought I'd tried all I could to fix things with my H and I when in reality it was some half-assed attempts. I was also looking for some serious validation.

 

All these things, these reasons, were about me. I was one messed up person, so much so that I chose to hurt the one person who cared about me more than anyone else. I lied to him. There are life choices that he would've made differently if he'd known what I'd been doing.

 

That's why I advocate truth now. If we had been more honest before the A, and stated to each other the issues we were having with the other, I think it would've brought us to a better place earlier. I've learned now that being honest even about the not-so-good things is necessary to have a full, healthy relationship and partnership. It gets rid of building resentment, growing anger, those feelings that can undermine stuff. Each partner knows where they stand.

 

I wish I'd had the guts earlier to say to my H, "These things aren't working. What do we need to do to fix it?" Instead I took the coward's way out by trying to fix it on the side. It was the worst choice I ever made and I don't recommend it to others at all ever.

 

Now, my H and I are doing very well. We have a one-year-old, which has been challenging since our baby was early and had to have a couple of surgeries. I think the legwork we did before baby has made our relationship stronger and able to handle those challenges better. I consider myself so fortunate to have him as an H and to have our baby. No offense to anyone...but I don't think there's any luckier girl out there than me.

 

This was a long post...I hope it helped someone in some way. And also there are so many posters here who have helped me...thank you all for sharing your stories. I truly appreciate your courage to do so.

[BetrayedH]

Kudos to you, Bittersweetie. As hard as the process must have been for both of you, it was a good read for me and I'm sure it will be for others as well.

 

Best of luck to you both on your continued reconciliation.

[janedoe67]

First, I admire your courage and honesty. I also admire your willingness to take full responsibility for your actions and doing the work you have needed to do and doing it for such good reasons. It shows a lot of strength, compassion, true repentance, and character.

 

I did want to ask about what you said about your complaints prior to your affair. Do you believe any of them were valid? Do you believe that your lack of assertiveness was the sole reason that things did not improve in your marriage? Do you/did you believe that the complaints you had prior to the affair should be addressed during reconciliation, or do you believe that since you cheated, it sort of renders any complaints you might have had about the marriage invalid?

 

This is something I know people have varied opinions about, and for insight into my own situation, I would love to hear your take on it as a FWW.

[aliveagain]

I guess you both have a life long permanent reminder of your affair. Just think if he had left, your beautiful child might not have made it into this world, a consequence that somehow was made right. I am glad you are here sharing your experience with other's that may still be in their affairs. Most never expect to get caught, most never expect to get an STD, most never expect to get pregnant, almost all lie about using protection. Without knowing how long your affair lasted, was the thrill that you got from the affair worth what you would have lost? Are you the same person that had the affair?

[Bittersweetie]

Well from what I've read here, there are going to be people here that advise to not tell a spouse about an affair. They advocate lying in order to protect themselves. Not sure if they would even advocate the truth when a disease has been contracted.

 

Glad to hear your husband gave you a 2nd chance. Takes strength to do that with someone that has betrayed you. Thats not to say he would have been weak if he decided to leave you, because honestly, thats what I would have done.

So hopefully you take his forgiveness and make the most out of it.

 

Curiosity question, did you infect him with HPV too? If not, has he been wearing condoms? Or does he not care if he too contracts it if he is only to be with you anyway. Just curiosity, you don't have to answer if you don't want to.

 

I've spent enough time here and other places to realize that second chances are not a given. I am very fortunate that my H gave me that second chance and I work hard to make sure he doesn't regret that choice. And that work benefits both of us; working on myself has made both of us better and healthier people.

 

In terms of the HPV, I don't know if my H has it, from my understanding it is much harder to detect in men. The only time he hasn't used protection is when we were trying to conceive. But without going into too much detail, it is most likely I acquired it from xOM.

 

Thanks for your post!

[Bittersweetie]

Kudos to you, Bittersweetie. As hard as the process must have been for both of you, it was a good read for me and I'm sure it will be for others as well.

 

Best of luck to you both on your continued reconciliation.

 

Thanks BH. Knowing what you've gone through your words mean a lot.

[Bittersweetie]

First, I admire your courage and honesty. I also admire your willingness to take full responsibility for your actions and doing the work you have needed to do and doing it for such good reasons. It shows a lot of strength, compassion, true repentance, and character.

 

I did want to ask about what you said about your complaints prior to your affair. Do you believe any of them were valid? Do you believe that your lack of assertiveness was the sole reason that things did not improve in your marriage? Do you/did you believe that the complaints you had prior to the affair should be addressed during reconciliation, or do you believe that since you cheated, it sort of renders any complaints you might have had about the marriage invalid?

 

This is something I know people have varied opinions about, and for insight into my own situation, I would love to hear your take on it as a FWW.

 

Thanks Jane.

 

My complaints before the A...they were valid. I do believe I rewrote history to make them bigger during the A, but even still they were valid. The issue was that both my H and I avoided conflict and didn't bring up our issues to each other. I'd bring it up while he was on the laptop...and think to myself, "There! I brought it up!" And then get upset when nothing changed. Now, I see that my H probably didn't take me seriously because I didn't communicate that I was serious. If that makes sense. That's why I like our "Talk Time" now, because things brought up there we both know are serious and address them as such. I would say that because both of us avoided conflict and were a bit passive, that led to our issues not being resolved.

 

We did address all complaints during reconciliation. Even ones that had nothing to do with the A. Complaints on both sides. I am fortunate as well that my H recognized that some of his actions led to our marriage not being as healthy as it could've been. Not that that excused my A...but he decided to work on himself and our relationship as well. Personally I don't think that the fact I had an A renders my complaints before or after invalid; that thinking doesn't lead to a healthy dynamic. Talking about and working through the issues together is what strengthens the marriage. But that's JMO, hope it helps.

[dichotomy]

 

Of course it was like putting a penny in a jar the size of a car, but I had to start somewhere.

 

 

There were many things that struck a cord in your post. However this statement really hit home. My reconciliation with my wife has been long and drawn out, much better recently, but mostly it has felt like this statement above.

 

Yes you have to start somewhere and as long as the penny's are being dropped in the jar ...then things are moving.....but it does seem like a large jar that might never get filled sometimes.

[Bittersweetie]

I guess you both have a life long permanent reminder of your affair. Just think if he had left, your beautiful child might not have made it into this world, a consequence that somehow was made right. I am glad you are here sharing your experience with other's that may still be in their affairs. Most never expect to get caught, most never expect to get an STD, most never expect to get pregnant, almost all lie about using protection. Without knowing how long your affair lasted, was the thrill that you got from the affair worth what you would have lost? Are you the same person that had the affair?

 

Hi alive,

To answer your questions. Any thrill I got from the A was not worth what I would've lost. Sometimes it makes me feel physically ill how much I risked because I thought I deserved something extra.

 

I am not the same person, yet I am. I see the poor coping skills I had before and during the A and I've worked hard to deal with things in a healthier way. I recognize how the choices I made have affected others and taken away their choices and I have decided no longer to be that way. I want to treat people better and have higher expectations of how people should treat me too, so not subjecting myself to other's crap. That's some of the differences. Yet I still enjoy life, I laugh, and read, so part of me hasn't changed. And another major thing that has changed is that I'm a mother. That certainly changes perspective on stuff!

[Bittersweetie]

There were many things that struck a cord in your post. However this statement really hit home. My reconciliation with my wife has been long and drawn out, much better recently, but mostly it has felt like this statement above.

 

Yes you have to start somewhere and as long as the penny's are being dropped in the jar ...then things are moving.....but it does seem like a large jar that might never get filled sometimes.

 

I know what you mean. The jar will probably never get filled, but no matter what I am going to keep adding to it. Maybe by now I have enough to fill a Fiat!

[janedoe67]

Thanks Jane.

 

My complaints before the A...they were valid. I do believe I rewrote history to make them bigger during the A, but even still they were valid. The issue was that both my H and I avoided conflict and didn't bring up our issues to each other. I'd bring it up while he was on the laptop...and think to myself, "There! I brought it up!" And then get upset when nothing changed. Now, I see that my H probably didn't take me seriously because I didn't communicate that I was serious. If that makes sense. That's why I like our "Talk Time" now, because things brought up there we both know are serious and address them as such. I would say that because both of us avoided conflict and were a bit passive, that led to our issues not being resolved.

 

We did address all complaints during reconciliation. Even ones that had nothing to do with the A. Complaints on both sides. I am fortunate as well that my H recognized that some of his actions led to our marriage not being as healthy as it could've been. Not that that excused my A...but he decided to work on himself and our relationship as well. Personally I don't think that the fact I had an A renders my complaints before or after invalid; that thinking doesn't lead to a healthy dynamic. Talking about and working through the issues together is what strengthens the marriage. But that's JMO, hope it helps.

 

Thank you so much for answering my questions. I agree that NO degree of marital discord, neglect, or even abuse EVER justifies an affair. It's like treating a head cold by blowing up your head.

 

It sounds like both you and your husband strove to do more than just work through your affair; it sounds like you both actually wanted a new, fulfilling, intimate marriage. I love that - I too think that the real goal of recovery is not just that you stayed married, but that you create a successful and intimate marriage, one where the A is part of the tapestry of the past and not the defining characteristic.

[aliveagain]

Hi alive,

To answer your questions. Any thrill I got from the A was not worth what I would've lost. Sometimes it makes me feel physically ill how much I risked because I thought I deserved something extra.

 

I am not the same person, yet I am. I see the poor coping skills I had before and during the A and I've worked hard to deal with things in a healthier way. I recognize how the choices I made have affected others and taken away their choices and I have decided no longer to be that way. I want to treat people better and have higher expectations of how people should treat me too, so not subjecting myself to other's crap. That's some of the differences. Yet I still enjoy life, I laugh, and read, so part of me hasn't changed. And another major thing that has changed is that I'm a mother. That certainly changes perspective on stuff!

 

That statement "how much I risked because I thought I deserved something extra" that's what I have such a hard time understanding, such a selfish, selfish statement. The innocence that is lost at that moment can never be given back. You and your husband are still together, I can't imagine the hurt, the pain, the anger you both had to work through to get to this place together, I congratulate you both. Unfortunately for some of us it's "Acta est fabula" The drama has been acted out....Augustus.

 

You and your husband get to create a new future together but not the one that could have been. That doesn't mean it isn't as loving or as rewarding but it will always be different. I like you am a parent of two amazing daughters, the loves of my life so I understand your other comment, your a mother. Unfortunately there are so many mothers on this site that don't think being a mother is enough to stop them from having an affair. That goes for fathers too. Sorry for my questions but I never intend to make the same mistake again so understanding the "why" is important to me.

[janedoe67]

You and your husband get to create a new future together but not the one that could have been. That doesn't mean it isn't as loving or as rewarding but it will always be different.

 

I would say that the key to dealing with this is to make the CHOICE to dwell in reality and not in the "if onlys." Deciding where to dwell is always a choice that we can make.

[waterwoman]

I would say that the key to dealing with this is to make the CHOICE to dwell in reality and not in the "if onlys." Deciding where to dwell is always a choice that we can make.

 

 

Yes! 100%. There is no point in 'if onlys' in fact I think they are utterly counterproductive. Funnily enough I was thinking about this recently. My eldest just got his GCSE results (UK national exams at age 16). They were pretty dire!! In the old days, pre-affair, I would have sat and pondered and worried and probably made myself miserable and him guilty and inadequate - but he has a place in college to do a practical non-academic course that he longs to do. What else matters? The fact that he isn't academic like me is irrelevant. We are dealing with the NOW and the things that are, not the things that might have been.

 

Good post bittersweetie. I hope you are both proud of yourselves for the recovery you have made x

[Bittersweetie]

That statement "how much I risked because I thought I deserved something extra" that's what I have such a hard time understanding, such a selfish, selfish statement. The innocence that is lost at that moment can never be given back. You and your husband are still together, I can't imagine the hurt, the pain, the anger you both had to work through to get to this place together, I congratulate you both. Unfortunately for some of us it's "Acta est fabula" The drama has been acted out....Augustus.

 

You and your husband get to create a new future together but not the one that could have been. That doesn't mean it isn't as loving or as rewarding but it will always be different. I like you am a parent of two amazing daughters, the loves of my life so I understand your other comment, your a mother. Unfortunately there are so many mothers on this site that don't think being a mother is enough to stop them from having an affair. That goes for fathers too. Sorry for my questions but I never intend to make the same mistake again so understanding the "why" is important to me.

 

Alive, I completely understand that the path we took may not be the one for everyone. I was very selfish and did things that hurt people. I wish I could take that away but I can't so I made the choice to strive to be a better and healthier person moving forward. There was a time I wished I could go back and change things and made different choices...but I just wasn't sure if that was a positive outlet for my energy. My H likes to say, "You may not be able to control where you started, but you can control where you're going."

[BetrayedH]

Looks to me like you've earned your "f" , Bittersweetie.

[janedoe67]

Looks to me like you've earned your "f" , Bittersweetie.

 

I like the tense you used in this sentence, BH.

[BetrayedH]

I like the tense you used in this sentence, BH.

 

3.5 years. NC maintained. TT is long done and over with. I don't hear anything I shouldn't in her posts. Now she's posting to support others. Sounds to me like a real corner has been turned. That's worth recognizing and celebrating.

[Bittersweetie]

Looks to me like you've earned your "f" , Bittersweetie.

 

I guess if I was to earn an F at some point in my life, this is the time...

 

But in reality it's a journey rather than a destination...that's how I look at it. I don't want to become complacent for myself or my relationship. And starting to share more here, maybe that's the next step of growth for me. Thanks!

[BetrayedH]

Bittersweetie,

 

May I ask how your H is doing now? Any particular turning points for him? I'm guessing that the big TT reveal at 6 months was a huge stumbling block. But I'm also guessing that his decision to not make a decision changed at some point, too.

[Bittersweetie]

Bittersweetie,

 

May I ask how your H is doing now? Any particular turning points for him? I'm guessing that the big TT reveal at 6 months was a huge stumbling block. But I'm also guessing that his decision to not make a decision changed at some point, too.

 

My H is doing well now. For a long time he was still unsure whether he wanted to stay in the relationship, but that doesn't seem unusual from what I've read from stories here. I think a turning point was about 1.5 years after d-day and I was still holding back a little (not information, just a piece of myself). I felt I had to have a piece that wasn't attached to my H in case he left. But then I thought, how was I going to move forward, or have us move forward, if we weren't both 100% in? And I decided I was going to be 100% in, be totally vulnerable, go for it. My H probably thought I was crazy because it was late at night and I'd been trying to go to sleep, and I just walk in the living room and say, "You don't have to respond, or agree, but I just wanted you to know I'm all in with us." Him hearing that helped and after that things started to improve even more.

 

He still feels uncertain sometimes. When we were deciding whether to have a kid he felt unsure sometimes because he realized something like that would tie me to him forever. We kind of had a ticking clock because of my age. But we made the decision together and now we have a great little boy. He may still trigger from time to time, and not tell me, but I am here to support him in whatever he needs. All he has to do is ask, and even if he doesn't I ask anyway.

 

Long answer for a short question...sorry...must get out and start talking to adults again.

[harrybrown]

Did you love the OM? During the A, what did you think of your husband?

[Bittersweetie]

Did you love the OM? During the A, what did you think of your husband?

 

I did not love the OM. I liked him very much and probably would've fallen in love with him if he had given any encouragement. However, what I liked and would've loved was the projection I had of OM, not the real person. In reality, I didn't know him all that well. I projected onto him everything I needed and wanted at that time, thus making him into the "perfect" man.

 

I still loved my husband during the A. As I mentioned, we were living in different cities at that time so we had little face-to-face time which gave us little chances to connect. Plus our marriage wasn't the greatest at that time, and trying to fix things long distance is even more challenging. Once we were back living together, I rediscovered what an amazing man he is (for real) and loved him. So when d-day happened I knew I wanted to stay with him.

 

Hope this helps.

[BetrayedH]

My H is doing well now. For a long time he was still unsure whether he wanted to stay in the relationship, but that doesn't seem unusual from what I've read from stories here. I think a turning point was about 1.5 years after d-day and I was still holding back a little (not information, just a piece of myself). I felt I had to have a piece that wasn't attached to my H in case he left. But then I thought, how was I going to move forward, or have us move forward, if we weren't both 100% in? And I decided I was going to be 100% in, be totally vulnerable, go for it. My H probably thought I was crazy because it was late at night and I'd been trying to go to sleep, and I just walk in the living room and say, "You don't have to respond, or agree, but I just wanted you to know I'm all in with us." Him hearing that helped and after that things started to improve even more.

 

He still feels uncertain sometimes. When we were deciding whether to have a kid he felt unsure sometimes because he realized something like that would tie me to him forever. We kind of had a ticking clock because of my age. But we made the decision together and now we have a great little boy. He may still trigger from time to time, and not tell me, but I am here to support him in whatever he needs. All he has to do is ask, and even if he doesn't I ask anyway.

 

Long answer for a short question...sorry...must get out and start talking to adults again.

 

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. Sorry for my delay; I was out of town for a long weekend.

 

I think your "all-in" statement was probably a serious turning point for both of you. It would've mattered to me. I think I could always tell that my WW was still tentative (I could tell that she was still judging whether or not I was an adequate husband and had an internal deadline for when I needed to be over it).

[motoducati]

In one of your previous posts you made reference to a career decision your husband regretted making while he was still unaware of your affair. How did you two discuss and resolve this situation?