MM's wife called me today

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

Hello! I started a thread about 2 weeks ago with my story so I won't go too much into the back story.

 

Since I typed that, we have had very little contact. It was pretty obvious to me that they had their 'talk' and he has once again decided to stay.

 

He had sent me an e-mail almost like apologizing for how busy he was and how little contact he had with me these past 2 weeks. I was livid because it was like he was acting like that last conversation we had never happened.

 

During that conversation we discussed housing arrangements (should we stay here, buy something smaller?), we discussed places around here he could get a job, we discussed which airport he would fly into. And then he's acting like it never happened?? wtf

 

I sent him a very harsh e-mail over the weekend in response to his email where he is telling me sorry he hasn't been in touch but he's been busy. I basically told him that she is right, he should have no contact with me. I gave him a bit of a hard time about his actions and told him he cannot play with my emotions like that and basically said goodbye and wished him luck.

 

That was 3 days ago and I have not heard back from him since.

 

Today I get a call from his wife. I recognize the area code so I let it go to VM luckily. She left a very sticky sweet message telling me that it's about time her and I had a talk.

 

I will not call her back. Ugh!!

 

I'm curious what she has to say but not enough to call her.

 

I'm assuming this can only lead to bad things? Drama? More confusion?

 

What do you all think? I have read stories on these boards where the OW talks to the BS but I just want out at this point. I won't bring more drama into my life by talking with her.

[Owl]

Not likely that the two of you would have a pleasant conversation, but might well have a PRODUCTIVE one.

 

It might well provide closure for the both of you.

 

Not saying you have to do this, but it's something to consider.

[KathyM]

I agree with the poster above that talking to her is the least you can do to give her clarity and help her resolve her situation which your actions have put her in. She is probably on the fence right now, wondering whether to leave this asswad, or whether to stay and work on the relationship, and she needs to find out from you if her husband has been contacting you. I think you should give her the answers she needs. And don't respond to this jerk of a man when he contacts you.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

I would not call it hooking up with him over an extended period of time.

 

He came out to see me while they were separated and divorce paperwork had been started.

 

We started a physical relationship and then the short story is that he went back to his wife and we have been in text and e-mail contact on and off but have not continued any sort of affair (he lives 1000's of miles away).

 

She knows everything already I'm sure of it. And I am done so I really don't need the extra drama in my life. If they have decided to work out their issues after his affair with me, then leave me out of it at this point. That's how I feel.

 

He told me that his marriage was over when we started our physical relationship. I don't feel like I owe it to her. I just don't. I am open to the fact that I could be wrong but I just don't feel like I need to be talking to her at this point. I'm moving on.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

I guess I hadn't really given it much thought that it might provide both of us with some closure. I don't know I'm on the fence now after reading your responses

[carhill]

OP, IMO, making that call and leaving a civil message took some clear maturity of character. If you wish this to process out in a healthy way, a similar response would be, in my opinion, the clear way to proceed.

 

If the two of you can remain civil and mature about this, as Owl mentioned, it's highly likely that the conversation will be productive. It may be unpleasant, as such contentious conversations can be, but looking at it as a point along the path to a healthy resolution can mitigate such feelings.

 

I hope you find a resolution which works for you. I faced this sort of thing a number of decades ago and lacked the maturity to handle it well. Best wishes to you.

[KathyM]

I would not call it hooking up with him over an extended period of time.

 

He came out to see me while they were separated and divorce paperwork had been started.

 

We started a physical relationship and then the short story is that he went back to his wife and we have been in text and e-mail contact on and off but have not continued any sort of affair (he lives 1000's of miles away).

 

She knows everything already I'm sure of it. And I am done so I really don't need the extra drama in my life. If they have decided to work out their issues after his affair with me, then leave me out of it at this point. That's how I feel.

 

He told me that his marriage was over when we started our physical relationship. I don't feel like I owe it to her. I just don't. I am open to the fact that I could be wrong but I just don't feel like I need to be talking to her at this point. I'm moving on.

Suit yourself. You were continuing to keep up the relationship through Emails, phone calls, etc., even after he went back to his wife. So I do think it would be the kind thing to do to give her assurance that you are now stepping aside and are no longer going to take any kind of communication from him. I don't see that one phone call, under the circumstances, is going to create a huge amount of drama for you, since you are no longer going to be in the picture, but if you don't think you can handle it, so be it.

[Calcmag]

I'm another who thinks it may prove helpful to both of you to have a conversation for the reasons outlined earlier by other posters.

[HopingAgain]

I agree with the consensus. You owe it to yourself AND to her, to give and receive the truth of this affair. Use this as an opportunity to regain your personal power from this relationship as well as allowing his wife to have the dignity she deserves in receiving feedback from you about the affair. Don't run away from this. Put the final nail in the coffin of the affair and THEN you will be able to move on with more confidence and closure.

[CarrieT]

He came out to see me while they were separated and divorce paperwork had been started.

Unless you were his paralegal/lawyer, you do not know for a FACT that the divorce paperwork was started.

 

You only know what he told you and considering his wife is still in his life, the odds tilt in favor of him being a liar on many levels.

 

The only way you will really know what is going on is to talk to his wife and find out what stories he has been telling her.

[darkmoon]

what do you hope to achieve by meeting with her?

 

she is not a friend, so she wants to see if you're cute

 

she could have a brother/dad/cousin who'd beat you up

 

let it go, drama over

[Goodbye]

Unless you were his paralegal/lawyer, you do not know for a FACT that the divorce paperwork was started.

 

You only know what he told you and considering his wife is still in his life, the odds tilt in favor of him being a liar on many levels.

 

The only way you will really know what is going on is to talk to his wife and find out what stories he has been telling her.

 

 

 

Actually, in most states you can follow divorces online...you can see when the action was first filed and by whom and all motions that follow.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

When a man tells you that he is separated and divorce papers have been filed and you believe him and decide to go forward, it might be naïve for me to believe it but I did.

 

I did carry on the relationship through texts and e-mails but what I thought he was doing while he was back there (who knows now) was taking care of business, finishing up paperwork, packing to move cross country.

 

Obviously I am now questioning this. You really don't have to take the tone with me that some of you are. It's not helping. I'm not saying I'm 100% innocent in this, yes he was still a married man. But I was acting with the knowledge of what he told me at the time.

 

I called her and she picked it up and then hung it back up. I called him after. He told me she had gotten his password to his computer and saw the last couple of emails back and forth between us. He had no idea why she called me and he apologized. He said he never should have gotten me involved and that he was sorry.

 

I'll tell you what the emails said:

 

My e-mail to him said that the silence was deafening and I'm assuming that the conversation with her didn't go the way he had planned.

 

He emailed me back and said sorry he's been busy and yes, it had been a rough week and she doesn't want him to talk to me anymore. (and he hadn't. He hadn't reached out to me at all actually I don't think.)

 

I e-mailed him back and told him that she was right, if they were going to work on their marriage he should not be in touch with me at all so it was best if we cut contact. I said some other stuff but that was the gist.

 

Then I wished him well and said goodbye. That was Saturday and I hadn't heard from him since and figured I wouldn't. Figured it was done.

 

So that's it. He apologized for her calling me and I said it was o.k and we said goodbye. I won't call her back. She hung up when I called her I'm assuming she changed her mind on talking to me.

[stillafool]

Definitely talk to the wife. If you are done with him this is the way to complete closure. He will never tell you the complete truth nor her. The two of you will find the truth through your conversation. You don't even have to leave home; just call her back.

[Speakingofwhich]

I would have taken the call when she called and would call her back now. The more truth is exposed the better it is for you and everyone concerned.

 

She's not your enemy. Try to think of a close girl friend who has gone through the experience she has gone through and how you would want her to be treated and if possible treat her that way.

 

You might want to prepare yourself with the caveat of keeping your voice tone unemotional throughout the call, if at all possible.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

Just 14 days ago you were planning for him to move out there and possibly "buy something smaller", as in buy a house together? (if i read correctly) I wouldnt call that being over and done with.

 

I'm saying I'm done now after these new developments. 2 weeks ago he told me he was talking to her that evening and that he would finalize the divorce paperwork and pack his things and move out here.

 

That's not what happened so now I am definitely done.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

what do you hope to achieve by meeting with her?

 

she is not a friend, so she wants to see if you're cute

 

she could have a brother/dad/cousin who'd beat you up

 

let it go, drama over

 

They live 1000's of miles away. No meeting up at all, she just called and wanted to talk to me.

[Speakingofwhich]

I see you did call her back. I posted before seeing your last post. Good for you calling her back!

[KathyM]

When a man tells you that he is separated and divorce papers have been filed and you believe him and decide to go forward, it might be naïve for me to believe it but I did.

 

I did carry on the relationship through texts and e-mails but what I thought he was doing while he was back there (who knows now) was taking care of business, finishing up paperwork, packing to move cross country.

So that's it. He apologized for her calling me and I said it was o.k and we said goodbye. I won't call her back. She hung up when I called her I'm assuming she changed her mind on talking to me.

You said in your OP that he has ONCE AGAIN decided to go back to his wife. That doesn't sound like he was only there to pack up, but that he actually had decided to reconcile with her. Going back to his wife means to reconcile, not just to physically go back for the purpose of packing up. In any case, if you called her and she hung up on you, she must have changed her mind in talking to you, so I don't see the point in this thread.

[Speakingofwhich]

I also think she may call back.

[canuckprincess]

I would not call it hooking up with him over an extended period of time.

 

He came out to see me while they were separated and divorce paperwork had been started.

 

We started a physical relationship and then the short story is that he went back to his wife and we have been in text and e-mail contact on and off but have not continued any sort of affair (he lives 1000's of miles away).

 

She knows everything already I'm sure of it. And I am done so I really don't need the extra drama in my life. If they have decided to work out their issues after his affair with me, then leave me out of it at this point. That's how I feel.

 

He told me that his marriage was over when we started our physical relationship. I don't feel like I owe it to her. I just don't. I am open to the fact that I could be wrong but I just don't feel like I need to be talking to her at this point. I'm moving on.

 

I believe you should call her back, answer her questions truthfully and if she becomes nasty then hang up. Maybe he has told her everything and she just needs you to verify it or he has completely down played the affair and in which case you may be the only one that will give her the truth. If they are trying to save the marriage she needs confirmation that the affair has end and you need to reassure her that if he contacts you again that you will tell her. Again only talk to her if she's not being nasty or abusive towards you. Good luck

[canuckprincess]

Here a clue for your lovely MM who has "no idea" why she called you....maybe because her world was just shattered upon the discvoery her husband had been in a relationship with another woman and in fact planning on moving across country to be with her, all unbeknownst to the wife, and her dear husband was trickle truthing her so she was searching for some clarity and real answers"

 

I tell you.... there should be a book: "Stupid Sh&t MM Say to Cover Their Arses"

 

Lol I think all us ow's should band together and right the book. I have some great ones. I'm also sure the bs's would have just as many.

[whichwayisup]

She probably hung up as he walked in the room so my guess is, she'll call back at some point. If that happens, hear her out, tell her your side of things and do let her know that you are not in the picture anymore, that things are over between you and her husband so not to worry that you'll be in contact. Wish them well and ask her not to contact you again, as well as him.

[Mrs. Ambivalent]

Will try to answer specific questions and then give the latest developments. Just hung up the phone with her.

 

When I said 'once again' this is what I meant.

 

He left my place to go back there and finalize the divorce and pack the rest of his stuff. I'm not sure at what point he decided to stay, but he did.

 

At one point, I think about 6 weeks after he left here, he told me something vague like 'things are not going the way I had planned and this is going to take me longer than I thought. I will not ask you to wait for me, you have waited too long already'.

 

I took that as my cue to move on and start dating because to me, he was obviously being vague for a reason and I had ASSSUMED he had gone back to his wife although he didn't tell me. It's an obvious assumption but he never said it specifically.

 

Then about a month later he calls me and tells me that he is talking to her that evening and that as long as I will still have him, he will be moving here to be with me and that's when we discussed specifics about living arrangements, him getting a job, etc.

 

Well that never happened. So when I say decided to stay with his wife 'again' that's what I meant. When he went back the first time he told me it was to help his adult son with something, to possibly put his place on the market if she couldn't afford to keep it and to pack the rest of his stuff.

 

I'm not sure when or how or why but at some point he obviously got back together with her.

 

Anyway.

 

So she called me again and I called her back. She said she is getting conflicting information from him and wants to hear from me what is going on. She said that he has promised her that we wouldn't be in touch any longer but then she found some e-mails over the weekend and she wants to know if and why we are still talking.

 

She did say a lot of things to me that confirm that she knows all about me and what happened. At one point she said 'I know that he has fallen in love with you and you two were planning on spending the rest of your lives together'.

 

I told her that I knew he had decided to stay there, that he was still there with her so that's where he wanted to be and that I had moved on and was dating again. I agreed that it would be inappropriate for us to keep in contact if they were going to stay married and I promised her that I would not reach out to him again.

 

She actually apologized and said if she had not kicked him out that this would not have happened and I seem like a nice person and she was sorry I had gotten involved in their mess. She said she was sorry over and over.

 

I told her that I was sorry, that if I had any idea their marriage wasn't over that I wouldn't have gotten involved either. I told her that wasn't my style to lure away a married man. He had told me it was over and that's the information I went with.

 

So we actually had a nice chat. In the conversation, I now know that he was honest about some things and had lied about others.

 

I'm happy I called her. And I'm definitely moving on.

[whichwayisup]

Nice closure for you both and it's even better that you each took the time to 'hear' each other out, and speak with respect and honesty.

 

Sad situation though, you all got hurt..Though if he had just been up front and honest from the get-go it would have saved a lot of pain and heartache.