This is what dating is going to really be for me, isn't it?

[Inflikted]

As a 24 (almost 25) year old guy that's never dated or done anything with a girl in any capacity, I'm finding myself coming to a pretty depressing realization. Personally, I have a hard time finding a girl I ACTUALLY wanted to date. I've encountered a whole of two girls that I actually wanted to date.

 

But I've tried to be open-minded to just dating whoever and seeing if anything comes of it, and via online dating, I've "asked out" over 100 girls in the last year alone (though all rejected me in one way or another).

 

So I've come to realize that this means I don't get to ever date the girl I really like, does it? If I want to actually date, settle down, and get married, I'm going to have to take what I can get, won't I?

 

I mean, clearly, the girls I really like are more preoccupied with "cooler" "hotter" guys that I can't compete with, and even the girls I think are just okay don't want to date me. So what does that leave me with?

[fallenheart]

Yeah, based on what you said, you sound pretty damn screwed.

 

Also sounds like you're trying for girls that are beyond your means. Why should those hot girls choose you? What do you have to offer them? They're HOT...all guys want them. They know they can get money, security, luxury in exchange for their looks. Can you offer all those things? Or should they be with you cause you're a "really nice guy."

 

Be more realistic.

 

Have something to offer a girl.

 

They have options....why in the world would they choose you?

 

And the sad fact is, not everyone is gonna get a girl. You aren't entitled to one. Lots of dudes are gonna end up dying alone. A LOT of the guys that post on this board actually.

[Inflikted]

I'm not pursuing "hot" girls, though. Personally, I don't really care much about looks. I've always been more attracted to a girl I get along with really well, and it's rare for me to find that. I've only found a handful of girls I've really connected with in that way, and much like every other girl I've asked out, they all rejected me.

[Moe'sTavern]

Why is it so rare for you to find a girl you get along with?

[Inflikted]

I have no idea. I mean, I almost never "dislike" a girl, but I just don't happen to meet many girls that make me think "Wow, I really enjoy her company, I'd like to spend more time with her". It just never seems like there's much "chemistry" there, yanno? There's often "friendly" chemistry, but "more than friends" chemistry isn't something I find much at all.

[carhill]

Based on your backstory, there was a disconnect during peer integration where some key interactions affected you negatively and IMO the impacts of those interactions on your psyche has carried forward into your young adult life. Two aspects you mentioned were shyness and your stature (5'2-5'3).

 

That's where we are. All that past stuff is the past. The rejections are history. You're still 5'2-5'3 and that's not going to change. Where do you go from here?

 

If you could snap your fingers today and change something about yourself which affected you in a positive way, what would it be? Nothing to do with others or things not changeable, like your physical height, rather realistic aspects which you feel would improve your life.

 

Here's a tip: We all go through life alone and we die alone. How we view ourselves and feel about ourselves is key to personal health. The old adage 'love yourself first' is very apt.

 

FWIW, women didn't start saying 'yes' to my date requests with any regularity until I was in my early-mid 30's. At the other end of it, having done all the relationship and marriage stuff, it really isn't that important. Living, that's important. Good luck.

[clia]

I have no idea. I mean, I almost never "dislike" a girl, but I just don't happen to meet many girls that make me think "Wow, I really enjoy her company, I'd like to spend more time with her". It just never seems like there's much "chemistry" there, yanno? There's often "friendly" chemistry, but "more than friends" chemistry isn't something I find much at all.

 

Are you sure you're attracted to women? Serious question.

[Inflikted]

Well, yeah, there have been a handful of girls I wanted to date, and there was a girl I fell for hard last year. So I don't think that's the issue.

[fallenheart]

I think a lot of guys also have this belief that their "soulmate" has to be just like them...into all the same things. Same hobbies and interests and beliefs. Why would anyone want to date a clone of themselves?

 

I've found in my experience that's simply not necessary. You don't NEED your girlfriend to be your best friend or anything like that. If you wanna sit around and watch sports or play video games or whatever, that's what guys friends are for.

 

All you really need with a girl is a romantic connection and sexual compatibility. Guys are always whining about not "connecting" with a girl, but what does that really mean? If you mean she doesn't wanna watch sci-fi movies all day, is that really important?

 

If you mean the two of you stare blankly and have nothing at all to talk about, well then I guess there is a problem.

[Inflikted]

I'm not necessarily looking for a "clone" of myself. I'm not overly concerned with shared interests, I'm more concerned with shared outlooks on certain things, I'm looking for someone that shares my sense of humor, I'm looking for someone I can really talk to and spend time with without feeling bored or awkward. I don't want a girl that's basically just going to be "the person I spend a little bit of time with and have sex with". I want a girl that I genuinely enjoy spending time with. Someone I can laugh with, talk with, do things with, and not feel like I'm just going through the motions with some random girl.

[Inflikted]

Truth be told, over the last several months, I've been becoming angrier and angrier about my dating situation in general.

 

Not to mention, I'm angry about a lot of smaller, specific things, as well. I'm angry that after more than a year, I still have lingering feelings for the last girl I really liked. I'm angry that I still see her (not by choice) often enough for it to be an issue for me. I'm angry that one of her exes that cheated on her is also a mutual "friend". I'm angry that every time the three of us are together, she and he are still pretty flirtatious with each other, and constantly hang on each other. I'm angry that whenever they disappear, I wonder what they're talking about, what's going on between them, if they're sleeping together. I'm angry that she used to hang out with me a lot (until I asked her out), but preferred dating douchey "cool guys" like this guy and the last jerk that cheated on her. I'm angry that I'm going to be spending a bit of time tonight with her and this other guy, having to sit by while they hang on each other, while I drive myself crazy wondering why she's so enthralled with some jerk she used to date that cheated on her. I'm angry that this other guy knows how much I like(d) this girl, and doesn't even seem to care, despite him telling me he's my friend.

 

Ugh. I used to beat myself up over this whole situation, but now it all just makes me mad. I'm not mad at her, specifically, I'm just mad at the way things work in the world. Here's a girl who's so smart and mature for her age, has such a bright future ahead of her, and is someone I connect with amazingly, better than anyone, honestly. She and I are practically kindred spirits. And yet, someone like me isn't an attractive partner to her. She'd rather give herself to guys that are stupid and immature, guys that are full of themselves, guys that aren't content having just one woman in their lives. And all for what? Because these guys are "hot"? Because they're "cool", and "rugged", and super masculine?

 

That's what really grinds my gears, so to speak. I can find a girl who's smart, and funny, and down to earth, and she and I can really connect, but I'm never going to be "the guy" she has eyes for, because there's always going to be a guy out there who's "hotter", "cooler", more "masculine", etc. I can't compete with that. I'm not that guy, and I never will be. I always hoped that crap like that doesn't REALLY matter to women. People have always told me that women are less shallow than men, and will generally be more attracted to a good person, with a warm personality and a kind heart. And I've tried to be a "good person", I've always tried to be the best person I could be, but I really have to wonder, what's the point? Women don't care about a "good person". The world doesn't care about a "good person". A "good person" isn't exciting, it's not sexy, it's not attractive.

 

That's why I think I'm screwed, because I'm not built for today's generation. I'm too "old fashioned" for my age. I don't want to be a wild and crazy partyer, I don't want to have multiple sex partners, I don't want to "play the game". I just want to be a good person that can find and attract a great girl. But the world just doesn't work that way, at least not anymore. People are so sexually charged and sexually driven, these days, and I don't have a place in this generation. No girl is ever going to see a short, quiet, goofy-looking guy like me and think "Ooh, I want to get naked/ have sex with him!". It's just not going to happen. At my core, this "sexually driven" mentality people have is one of the things I'm the angriest about.

[TheGuard13]

That's what really grinds my gears, so to speak. I can find a girl who's smart, and funny, and down to earth, and she and I can really connect, but I'm never going to be "the guy" she has eyes for, because there's always going to be a guy out there who's "hotter", "cooler", more "masculine", etc. I can't compete with that. I'm not that guy, and I never will be. I always hoped that crap like that doesn't REALLY matter to women. People have always told me that women are less shallow than men, and will generally be more attracted to a good person, with a warm personality and a kind heart. And I've tried to be a "good person", I've always tried to be the best person I could be, but I really have to wonder, what's the point? Women don't care about a "good person". The world doesn't care about a "good person". A "good person" isn't exciting, it's not sexy, it's not attractive.

 

No, to many people, a good person isn't exciting, sexy or attractive. So find someone who it is attractive to if that's what you really want.

 

If you really believe that everyone is like you posted above, only caring about appearance, sex, etc, then it's some combination of your attitude and beliefs or your dating pool that's the problem. There are plenty of women out there who may well like cool, masculine guys, but who don't ONLY want that, or who don't want that in a partner compared to other things. Sounds like you're hung up on the wrong kind of girl, one in particular.

[Inflikted]

I'm bitter and angry NOW, but this isn't how I've always been. I've been trying to keep my head up, stay positive, and approach everything with a healthy attitude over the years, but all the failures and rejections and all of that have just beaten me down over the last few months, and now I just feel anger and resentment about this topic.

 

Yeah, it'd be nice to find people that ARE looking for a good person, but that's not exactly easy to weed out. I was positive the last girl I liked was looking for someone like me, and I've never felt that way before, but I was wrong. And you'd think that with the 100+ girls I've attempted with over the last year, I should've gotten at least one date, but nope.

[string of letters]

Truth be told, over the last several months, I've been becoming angrier and angrier about my dating situation in general.

 

Not to mention, I'm angry about a lot of smaller, specific things, as well. I'm angry that after more than a year, I still have lingering feelings for the last girl I really liked. I'm angry

<snip>

 

Get over this. NOW! At the risk of stating the totally obvious, this is only hurting - perhaps quite a lot - and is not remotely helping. A few suggestions:

 

1) Try meditating every day, just 15 minutes will help, the most important thing is to make time for it every day, no matter what. Don't think of this as something 'exotic'. For now, don't worry about some difficult posture or shutting off your thoughts. Just sit perfectly still, pay attention to your breath, and try to watch your thoughts arise dispassionately. Shifting from 'thinking' to 'observing your thoughts' is generally a lot easier than people might think, and it's a great start. Focus on clearing anger from your mind.

 

and/or

 

2) Look up Cognitive Behavior Therapy. Seeking out a 'therapist' can seem daunting, so for now why not just look into what CBT involves? Try reading a couple of books, and see if it makes sense to you. The brain is amazingly flexible, so try looking into 'neuroplasticity' too. I'm not going to give you some worthless New Age drivel about how, 'If you make the right changes internally, the external world will fall into place', but the key is that, if nothing else, you need better coping strategies, and you need to learn how to let things go.

[Inflikted]

Yeah, I know "being angry" isn't healthy, and whatnot. But again, I haven't been "angry" for the last several years about this, this is a fairly recent thing, and it's just me responding to the world around me. I mean, let's look at everything that's piled on...

 

I struggle for 6-7 years to find many girls I have even the slightest interest in (and the ones that I attempt to ask out say no) - that bummed me out, but I did my best to keep my chin up and persist on. Last year I met an awesome girl that I had amazing chemistry with - My confidence and my happiness when through the roof, and I felt on top of the world. I asked this girl out and she said no - I felt bad, but I had the misguided notion that I could win her over in time. I found out she had dated that one jerk before me - This made me both angry and sad at the same time. I found out she was dating some other jerk - Again, anger and sadness. This was the last straw, and I started giving my best shot at the online dating thing. I spent months writing to girls, and in all, wrote to over 100, and got nowhere - This got me angrier and angrier.

 

It's just mounting frustration, really, and I just can't handle it anymore. I've done my best to keep my chin up over the last several years, but I can't do it anymore. The fact that I'm attracted to so few girls absolutely sucks, in and of itself, and the fact that the few I am attracted to want guys that I can never compete with makes it even worse. Then there's the fact that I can ask out more than 100 women and not get a single date out of it. That just makes me feel completely worthless and unlovable.

 

While I understand it's not healthy, and it doesn't help anything, I don't see any good reason why I SHOULDN'T be angry. I absolutely should be angry. Not at anyone in particular, but this is just such a soul-crushing place to be in. Finding love and having a happy healthy relationship was always one of my biggest life goals, and to know that I'll never be able to attain that just makes me mad. Why don't I deserve it? Yeah, I'm angry NOW and my attitude and outlook RIGHT NOW isn't so great, but these last few months of mounting anger and frustration shouldn't negate all the years I spent trying to stay positive and optimistic.

 

That's another big core thing that makes me mad -- Why don't I deserve to find and be with someone great? Why is it that none of my good qualities matter? Why is it that I'm not worth a damn to anyone?

[Scales]

Allow me to be the person to say to forget all this "get over it" and "its unhealthy" stuff. Don't let anyone say "you'll never get a girl with that attitude" kind of BS. If you spent 6 years losing at boxing and getting knocked out, and someone says "hey just keep trying, you'll get it one day" it just seems ridiculous. Even though we are durable, there is only so much emotional damage a person can take before we have had enough. Also there are plenty of *******s out there with the crappiest attitudes who have emotional maturity of three year old on pills and can even barely start to "love themselves". They get plenty of chicks without needing to meditate, they don't give a crap.

 

If I could make a real criticism here it is that you are paddling against the current dating system. If you are looking to be honest and meet someone who you connect with on amicable terms in a nice, vibrant, not to crowded location, I would say forget it. The trick to fixing your failures will be in how you perceive dating and girls in general. Changing how you look at the situation will allow you to change your behavior letting you be more competitive. I wish I could tell you that men and women were out there being honest and looking for solid, meaningful relationships but that just isn't true currently. I believe presently many people are scared to throw their cards in so they just sleep around until they find someone they don't mind being next to. If you resist this it will make things difficult. Being angry will only drive women away unfortunately. Try to get back in there and fight for it like you want it, because if I was you I could do anything. If I knew that no girl would ever date me, I could act however I want around girls. Its almost like there isn't any pressure. I would say when you are ready to date again, try doing things completely differently every time and see what works for you. You've got to be able to have fun and enjoy the process or you will hate every minute of it. Best of luck.

[string of letters]

OP, you mentioned that you have more or less 'asked out' 100 women during the past year. Assuming you really mean someting around 100 (instead of 100 just being a way of saying 'a lot'), that's once every 3-4 days, which is pretty intense. There must have been a lot of variation, but could you give, say a typical scenario of what this involved? Maybe you could give one online example and one real world example of what happened. If you give more details, it's possible that someone could give you some suggestions.

 

By the way, if your rejections include 'sent a message to a woman on an OLD, got no reply', very few of us would even think of that as a 'rejection' per se. It's very much par for the course for males, and (once you get over the initial shock) is not worth sparing any thoughts on, and definitely not worth keeping stats about. Who knows who lies on the other end of those profiles?

[Inflikted]

There must have been a lot of variation, but could you give, say a typical scenario of what this involved? Maybe you could give one online example and one real world example of what happened. If you give more details, it's possible that someone could give you some suggestions.

 

By the way, if your rejections include 'sent a message to a woman on an OLD, got no reply', very few of us would even think of that as a 'rejection' per se. It's very much par for the course for males, and (once you get over the initial shock) is not worth sparing any thoughts on, and definitely not worth keeping stats about. Who knows who lies on the other end of those profiles?

 

I do include a lack of reply as a rejection. I understand why you (and others) may disagree with that notion, but I don't see why not. Before I write to a girl, I try to see if the site shows her as being recently active (so I'm not writing to anyone that hasn't signed on in over 2-3 weeks), and I often see that a girl viewed my profile some time after I messaged her, so obviously she took the time to give me a look but ultimately decided I wasn't worth responding to.

 

As for examples, well, I don't have many "offline" examples, because I don't really get out enough to meet girls offline. I typically only ask out a girl offline if I really think we get along well; the last time I did was about a year ago, when I had fell hard for a girl I know at work. Before I asked her out, we were getting along great, and honestly, I actually thought she was into me before I ever fell for her. I had a really hard time with the rejection, because I like(d) her more than I've ever liked anyone before.

 

Online, well... Most of the time if a girl actually responds to me, we'll message back and forth a couple times with some basic "get to know the other person" kind of stuff, then she'll just stop responding. I did think I was doing pretty well with a girl online recently; we had a bunch in common, so I messaged her, and we wrote back and forth and seemed to hit it off pretty well. She brought up that she and I should text each other, so we swapped numbers and spent an hour or two texting back and forth. I was running out of things to say, and it was getting late, so I texted her that I was going to turn in for the night, and that we would text again soon, and she seemed on board. Tried texting her a couple times after that, and no response.

 

Have you considered wearing lifts?

 

Eh. I thought about it a few years ago, but it just seemed too silly to me. Besides, there's a bit of dishonesty there, really. I mean, if I'm dating a girl and she thinks I'm 5'6" or whatever, then we get to a point where the shoes come off and I'm down to 5'1", that's a pretty jarring difference. I just don't want to have to "lie" about it, yanno? Seems pointless. She's going to find out about it eventually, so why try to hide it to begin with?

 

As far as the shyness goes, that's something that can be changed if you change your habits. Just get out there and talk to people.

 

See, I don't really classify myself as "shy". When I think "shy", I think of someone who's nervous around people and purposely avoids people. I consider myself more "reserved" and super introverted. Being around people I don't know doesn't necessarily make me "nervous" or uncomfortable, but I just don't know how to approach people, and most often, I have trouble relating to and connecting with people.

[smoky eyes]

Honestly, I would work on the being introverted and staying at home thing. Getting new hobbies and meeting new people can turn your life around... maybe not relationship-wise at first, but in general, and make you happier, which makes a relationship more likely to happen.

 

This always sounds like life-affirming BS, but really, it makes a huge difference. And if you were meeting loads of girls, frequently, maybe you wouldn't get fixated on one, and wouldn't be so hurt by her bad dating choices.

[Beast_117]

I'm almost 22 a virgin everything when it comes to women.

 

I don't care anymore though..that "drive" that makes you desire a relationship is just gone. I honestly don't care if I grow old alone.

[MilkyWay]

Quote from OP Inflikted

That's what really grinds my gears, so to speak. I can find a girl who's smart, and funny, and down to earth, and she and I can really connect, but I'm never going to be "the guy" she has eyes for, because there's always going to be a guy out there who's "hotter", "cooler", more "masculine", etc. I can't compete with that. I'm not that guy, and I never will be. I always hoped that crap like that doesn't REALLY matter to women. People have always told me that women are less shallow than men, and will generally be more attracted to a good person, with a warm personality and a kind heart. And I've tried to be a "good person", I've always tried to be the best person I could be, but I really have to wonder, what's the point? Women don't care about a "good person". The world doesn't care about a "good person". A "good person" isn't exciting, it's not sexy, it's not attractive.

 

That's why I think I'm screwed, because I'm not built for today's generation. I'm too "old fashioned" for my age. I don't want to be a wild and crazy partyer, I don't want to have multiple sex partners, I don't want to "play the game". I just want to be a good person that can find and attract a great girl. But the world just doesn't work that way, at least not anymore. People are so sexually charged and sexually driven, these days, and I don't have a place in this generation. No girl is ever going to see a short, quiet, goofy-looking guy like me and think "Ooh, I want to get naked/ have sex with him!". It's just not going to happen. At my core, this "sexually driven" mentality people have is one of the things I'm the angriest about.

 

 

Hello Inflikted,

women also feel this way.

We hate it when guys who we are interested in, are not into us and

go for the "hotter", "cooler" "supermodel" types that we cannot compete with.

 

TO The women of loveshack:

do you agree?

How many of you have been friend-zoned by a hot guy that you are interested in?

How many times did this happen to you in your dating/social lifetime?

Edited September 10, 2013 by MilkyWay

[GuyIncognito]

It really has less to do with other guys being "cooler", "hotter", "more masculine" and a lot to do with how you present yourself and speak about yourself. You could make yourself all of those things if you wanted. Work out and eat healthier, ask a stylish female friend to give you clothing advice, get a better haircut, do more manly things (sports, outdoors, etc), even speak with a deeper voice... but none of that will help you if there isn't confidence to back it up.

 

Some of those changes may give you more confidence, but at some point you just have to accept and be proud of who you are and show that to other people - not just girls you're interested in, but everybody. Demand respect and admiration - not with words, but with your demeanor and actions. If you believe that you are cool and attractive - and really, really convince yourself of this - then others will start to believe it too.

 

Start by identifying at least one thing about yourself that you are proud of and embrace it. Specifically, this should be something you do, not something you are. If you can't instantly think of something, then you still need to grow as a person and find out what you love and what you are good at.

 

And also, quit writing these other guys off as "jerks". Maybe they are, but that isn't the point. She isn't attracted to them because they are jerks or because they are promiscuous. There is something else there and I guarantee you part of it is how they present themselves and the confidence they have in themselves. They don't sit there longing for her affection, they are just themselves and she gravitates towards them because they don't need her. Needy people are unattractive no matter how they look and what they wear.

 

Instead of writing these guys off, try to really see what she sees. Set aside your jealousy and try to identify all the redeeming qualities of her ex and other guys she is attracted to. How do they act? What do they say? What do they do with their lives? Its easy to demonize them, but even if they are *******s, there will still be some positive things about them. Learn from those and apply them to your own life where it fits.

 

Most importantly, stop fixating on 1 or 2 women. Obsessing over someone isn't going to make you more attractive to them and it is also going to make you overlook other people in your life. It sounds like you really don't give people much of a chance to show themselves to you. There are probably already women in your life who are also shy and goofy and afraid to open up. If you spend your whole life pre-judging people, you'll never give them an opportunity to feel comfortable enough to connect with you. Surely you can find people who share at least 1 or 2 of your interests or outlooks on life? If not, maybe you need to expand your horizons and try to get yourself interested in what someone else enjoys.

 

One more thing, you say you've messaged hundreds of women online trying to get dates. Well guess what, I bet it showed in your messages to them. Even if you take time to tailor your responses to each women, the fact that you are just trying to get a date with basically anyone is going to come off in your interactions. You may not see it, but I promise that it does. Women don't want to date for the sake of dating they want to meet someone who truly finds them unique and interesting, not someone that just doesn't want to be alone.

 

I know its hard to hear stuff like this, but if you really want your dating outlook to change, then you should take a long look at yourself and figure out how you can be a better person and start to see the hidden qualities in other people.

[Eddy B]

As a 24 (almost 25) year old guy that's never dated or done anything with a girl in any capacity, I'm finding myself coming to a pretty depressing realization. Personally, I have a hard time finding a girl I ACTUALLY wanted to date. I've encountered a whole of two girls that I actually wanted to date.

 

But I've tried to be open-minded to just dating whoever and seeing if anything comes of it, and via online dating, I've "asked out" over 100 girls in the last year alone (though all rejected me in one way or another).

 

So I've come to realize that this means I don't get to ever date the girl I really like, does it? If I want to actually date, settle down, and get married, I'm going to have to take what I can get, won't I?

 

I mean, clearly, the girls I really like are more preoccupied with "cooler" "hotter" guys that I can't compete with, and even the girls I think are just okay don't want to date me. So what does that leave me with?

 

First thing you should do is to define exactly what you search for in a girl. You need to have clear standards.

 

Then take on a personal journey of becoming your best self and developing yourself, so you can actually start dating these girls.

[GuyIncognito]

I'm almost 22 a virgin everything when it comes to women.

 

I don't care anymore though..that "drive" that makes you desire a relationship is just gone. I honestly don't care if I grow old alone.

 

Geebus... you are 22. You have a long time before you have to worry about growing OLD alone. If your drive is gone because you are instead in love with/passionate about something you do and are committing your life to (art, science, whatever), then that is great. Continue doing that.

 

If your drive is gone just because you are already throwing in the towel and accepting defeat at 22, then please take a moment to get your head out of your ass before continuing to read...

 

Can you hear me now? Good. Here are a few tips:

 

1) Don't get hung up on being a virgin, even if you haven't kissed a girl. Don't worry about it, really. Some people are late-bloomers. I was a virgin til 23. Its not a big deal. Once you get over it, things get a lot easier. Your body will know what to do when the time comes as long as your mind steps out of the way and lets nature take its course. If you psyche yourself out about doing "it" right, you will end up doing it wrong. So just don't worry about it. Let it happen when the time comes.

 

2) Act like you've been there before. Even if you haven't done something, just relax and act like you're experienced. Convince yourself that it is true and have confidence that you can do it. Being nervous and conciliatory won't do you any favors. Before you approach a woman, try to imagine that you've already slept with her and she is already smitten with you. Don't say that to her, just try to make yourself believe it. It will help give you the confidence to approach her without worrying about your inexperience.

 

3) Take a shot or two before you talk to a girl you're interested in. Don't get drunk, just a couple drinks to get the nerves out. If you get to the point where you are going on a date and think there may be kissing/sex/touching involved, masturbate before the date. (Just don't get it in your hair a la Something About Mary). I'm not kidding about this. It relieves your sexual tension for one and will keep you from getting an embarrassingly eager/early erection when you kiss/hold hands/whatever.

 

4) (optional) If none of that is working or you're too stubborn to try it and you just can't get past the virginity thing, then just get it out of the way. Go to a bar and find some lonely cougar who is just looking for fun. Strike up a conversation with her and then let it slip that you're a virgin and you want an experienced woman to show you the ropes. You might have to try this a few times, but eventually, someone is going to take you up on the challenge just for fun. I realize this isn't what you want - nobody does - but things get a lot easier once you don't have inexperience to dwell on or use as a crutch. Its a boon to your confidence and that will manifest itself in all aspects of your life - work, relationships, hobbies - whatever.

 

Even if you ignore everything else I'm saying, just don't give up on yourself already. That "drive" is likely "gone" because you have already succumbed to defeat, but you are 100% capable of still molding yourself into the person you want to be and as someone who can have amazing relationships in life. It won't be easy, there will be turbulence, but the only way you will fail is if you give up before you ever really try.

 

Good luck.

[Inflikted]

Some of those changes may give you more confidence, but at some point you just have to accept and be proud of who you are and show that to other people - not just girls you're interested in, but everybody. Demand respect and admiration - not with words, but with your demeanor and actions. If you believe that you are cool and attractive - and really, really convince yourself of this - then others will start to believe it too.

 

Yeah, but despite how I may sound on here, I think offline, "lack of confidence" isn't really an issue. I'm pretty satisfied with who I am as a person. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I have flaws, but generally speaking, I feel like I'm a good guy, with a good sense of humor, a warm personality, and a good direction in life.

 

I have more of a "quiet confidence", though. Heck, the other day, one of my classmates noted how laid back and "chill" I am, and while he and I aren't super close or anything, I don't act any differently around him than I do the rest of the world, so I took that as a compliment, because that's how I want to come off, so I must be doing something right.

 

But I guess maybe "quiet confidence" just isn't that appealing and "attractive", to women...? I dunno.

 

And also, quit writing these other guys off as "jerks". Maybe they are, but that isn't the point. She isn't attracted to them because they are jerks or because they are promiscuous. There is something else there and I guarantee you part of it is how they present themselves and the confidence they have in themselves. They don't sit there longing for her affection, they are just themselves and she gravitates towards them because they don't need her. Needy people are unattractive no matter how they look and what they wear.

 

Instead of writing these guys off, try to really see what she sees. Set aside your jealousy and try to identify all the redeeming qualities of her ex and other guys she is attracted to. How do they act? What do they say? What do they do with their lives? Its easy to demonize them, but even if they are *******s, there will still be some positive things about them. Learn from those and apply them to your own life where it fits.

 

Yeah, but I never "sat there longing for her attention". Well, at least not before I asked her out, anyway. When I was actually pursuing her, I felt like I was doing everything right. She seemed to enjoy my company, I was able to play it cool and not be a "puppy dog" to her, we developed a fun flirty little dynamic where we liked ruffling each other's feathers, so to speak, and teasing each other a bit.

 

And that's the same stuff she does with the guys she is/ was attracted to, at least from what I've seen. She hangs around them, she has back and forth banter with them, etc. So I don't really get what it is that makes them better than me. I mean, I know I didn't help my case AFTER she rejected me, because I did get a bit mopey and act weird around her, but before that (and even now, after time has passed), she and I have always had a really great dynamic.

 

I wasn't trying to say that she likes them BECAUSE they're "jerks", I just feel frustrated that she continuously gives herself to guys that don't end up treating her too well. Like I said, I just honestly don't get what she sees in these other guys that is "better" than me. I feel like I'm just as fun and interesting to be around as them, except I'm a bit more grounded, stable, and dependable. So what the heck is it?

 

First thing you should do is to define exactly what you search for in a girl. You need to have clear standards.

 

Well, ideally, I want a girl that is very similar to me in certain ways, but also different in key aspects.

 

I'm not particularly into girls that are the overly cutesy "girly girl" type. Not that I like a "tomboy", but I want to be with a girl that is down to earth. I consider myself to be smart and mature, and that's something else I look for in a girl, someone who I feel I'm on the same page with. I have a very snarky, sarcastic sense of humor, and I want to be with a girl that not only gets my humor, but shares it, as well; being able to laugh together is very important to me. I want to be with a girl that's not afraid to say exactly how she feels about any given topic, regardless of how harsh that may be. I want someone I can "play" with; I like playful teasing and banter, that keeps things interesting, and I have a very difficult time finding someone I can develop this with.

 

And again, there are certain key differences I like. For instance, I can be a bit uptight about certain things, so I like someone that can show me that it's okay to unwind a bit. I'm a bit more passive and easy going, so I'd like someone with a slightly more "aggressive" personality.

 

Then take on a personal journey of becoming your best self and developing yourself, so you can actually start dating these girls.

 

And how exactly do I do that? I don't even really know what that means. I have to be able to even FIND these girls before I can date them, and that seems to be hard enough as it is.